Wife2anaddict

So my RAH appears to be doing very well. He’s completed 90 meetings in 90 days and now goes to meetings 6 days a week. He’s still living in the SLE, but is spending a lot of time at our home w/the kids. He’s also working 40 hrs. a week. He and I are friendly. We have not been intimate, but we are getting along well. The children are definitely positiviely influenced by our kind, civil interactions. I make a conscious effort to keep my mouth shut and out of his business. Such a simple behavioral change on my part change can make such a significant impact on the entire family dynamics. We have separated our finances. I have no access to his account or how he spends his money (it feels great to not be checking). He is paying $900/month to our household, which is certainly enough to cover where I cannot. He takes the kids to church while I get a break/clean/grocery shop etc. It’s really been a nice arrangement. He has a new hobby-fixing up cars. He got an older car for about $2500 and is enjoying fixing it up. Now, don’t get me wrong, I know it’s great that he has a new hobby, keeps his mind occupied, and his hands busy. He is really proud of what he’s done, and I try to give him praise for these things. However, it has become an obsession. I don’t mean that he just spends a lot of time on it, I mean full blown can not stop thinking about it. He’ll come in to the house for a second, and then go back out to the car b/c he just thought of a crevice he missed. He comes in the house and goes from EBAY to homedepot.com to amazon, checking on trunk liners. He was painting the gear shifter and while the 1st coat is drying, he’s already planning his day around putting on the second coat. It’s like he’s physically doing other things, but it’s obvious that his mind is focused on the car. He did not go to his meeting last night b/c he was still working on the car. This all sounds silly, but it is almost scary to watch. I can’t put into words how bizarre it is. It’s really like a full blown obsession. If it’s possible that he has switched addictions from drugs to this, then THIS is definitely his addiction. I’m trying not to worry about it. I don’t bother him about it. I just let him do it. I don’t judge or make an attempt to control the behaviors. I try to just let it go, but I guess I’m just wondering if it’s normal? In recovery, is it OK to obsess about something other than using, or is it an unhealthy behavior to obsess in general? He has told me that he wants me to tell him when I observe him stepping out of his recovery b/c he’s not always good at recognizing it. I told him that I wasn’t comfortable doing this as it was a codie behavior, but I’m thinking this is as good of a time as any to let him know Im seeing some strange stuff going on.

peaches28

I'll tell you my experience with this. My husband quit doing drugs and went into recovery, and then found himself with a lot of excess time and energy on his hands. He started shopping around for a new truck. Even though we had discussed waiting to get a new vehicle until mine was paid off, he kept looking and looking and looking. Every other day he changed his mind on what he wanted, when was a good time to get it, etc. He drove me insane with this nonsense. That's all he wanted to talk about it. So, he ended up finding one he just had to have and we got it, and what happend? Two days later he relapsed.

JoySeeker

Hmmm, I can relate fully. Mine came home one day with a bearded dragon. He said he really loved reptiles and it was a healthy hobby. A couple days later he got 2 more, a week later 3 more. Spend thousand's of dollars on supplies to build cages, then the cages weren't what he likes and was in the garage the next night building more. Each time they got bigger and more rediculous. He'd go to Lowe's and spend 350 like it was nothing, then to the Pet Store and spend couintless of dollars. To say the least it was a very unhealthy obsession and I didn't buy into that 'at least he's not spending his time using'. Well, the obsession continues. At one point there were 12 bearded dragons at one time. I could not stop it. And guess who had to take care of them and clean the cages every day? Me. He rarely did, but the smell would consume our whole place and made me completly sick to my stomach. In the span of 8 months he went through 27 Bearded Dragons and not ONE of them lived! He obsessed over feeding them, basicaly did everything wrong but "Knew it all" and even tried to breed the poor things. In 3 clutches of eggs, only 1 survived and it was the only one I could keep him from even touching. I am an animal lover and there were constant fights. Needless to say the stress was unbearable over this damn obsession. He just kept buying them and when they'd pass toss them in the garbage like leftover dinner. It was one of the sickest things I had to go thru. So NO, it is not healthy. And just like above, when he had no more reptiles...he relapsed hard. All the time he spent in this obsession was almost more away from the kids and me with his obsession then actualy using. It was one of the most irritating, out of control, obsessive craziness I have ever encountered. I wept every time one of those guys died and pleaded for him to find homes.

lightseeker

I think that a lot of people with addiction problems can also be obsessive. My ex husband got sober and immediately started into his obsessions....one after another. He was never available because he was so caught up in what he was doing.

I know you must be worried about the behaviors that you are seeing but there isn't anything that you can do about someone's addiction or their obsessions.

I wish that recovery was easier than it is....

endlesspatience

Interesting accounts. I must admit, I've been a bit more obsessive about my music since I've been in recovery - buying a lot of CDs I don't really listen to. What this says to me is the importance of switching the new health and energy I have in recovery into something positive and orientated towards helping other people. I need to make sure that my obsessions don't turn me in on myself.

hello-kitty

If someone's behavior is bothering you, you have a right to tell them you are concerned. That's not codie. Not telling them is passive agressive. What is codie is having expectations and resentments about the behavior, and then live in misery for years because of it.

Is your husband seeing a psychiatrist or a counselor? Often addiction masks other personality disorders.

Or... possibly your husband has just switched objects of addiction.

But really those are things that you have no control over. The solution to your questions and concerns lie within you. Are you obsessing over his obsessing? Are you in counseling?