Need some help... found out stuff I didnt want to know
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Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: hot as heck, az
Posts: 142
Need some help... found out stuff I didnt want to know
I have a "friend" who told me some information about my addict/alcoholic partner tonight and I need some help assimilating this. I told this friend that my partner left for 90 day rehab a week ago. 'K' is a heavy pot smoker, drinker and pill abuser - I distanced myself and encouraged my partner to do the same b/c K's alcohol/drug abuse was getting more prolific. This person decided to call me up tonight (drunk and high) to clear her conscience b/c she feels guilty for "sending my partner to rehab". Long story short, she shared with me that she and my partner hung out quite a bit behind my back and drank, smoked weed, and at least one occasion, she sold my partner percosets. This was approximately in April when my partner moved back in after a 30 day stint in a halfway house. K does have secondary gain b/c she also said that if my partner messes up this relationship, she'll be happy to take her place. Yeah, like I need *that*.
What I'm struggling with are my feelings of betrayal to find out yet another part of my partner's secret addict life. I am also struggling with the fact that while I knew she was compulsively drinking, I didn't know she was continuing to abuse opiates. She "relapsed" about a month ago, which according to her was the first time since she'd told me she quit almost a year ago.
I am not sure if i should "let it go" b/c she is now in rehab and working on sobriety. Maybe she'll get around to telling me when she reaches that step. Part of me wants to confront her, but I don't think that would be healthy for her at this point.
I'm just confused b/c I believed that she wants recovery and sober life, but she'd been going behind my back and using. I know that's what addicts do; but it still hurts to find out. Plus this lovely "friend" chose to unload her baggage on me, now I'm too agitated and upset to sleep. I was feeling pretty good after going to my 3rd Alanon meeting, and looking forward to seeing her next Sun for our first family visit. Now I fear all I will think about when I do see her are the lies. I was in process of writing her a letter about my feelings and happiness that she was taking this step, now i want to rip it up
FYI I am obviously new to alanon so I am still fussing with step one. I need someone a little further along to provide some feedback on what to do with all of this. Thanks for reading.
What I'm struggling with are my feelings of betrayal to find out yet another part of my partner's secret addict life. I am also struggling with the fact that while I knew she was compulsively drinking, I didn't know she was continuing to abuse opiates. She "relapsed" about a month ago, which according to her was the first time since she'd told me she quit almost a year ago.
I am not sure if i should "let it go" b/c she is now in rehab and working on sobriety. Maybe she'll get around to telling me when she reaches that step. Part of me wants to confront her, but I don't think that would be healthy for her at this point.
I'm just confused b/c I believed that she wants recovery and sober life, but she'd been going behind my back and using. I know that's what addicts do; but it still hurts to find out. Plus this lovely "friend" chose to unload her baggage on me, now I'm too agitated and upset to sleep. I was feeling pretty good after going to my 3rd Alanon meeting, and looking forward to seeing her next Sun for our first family visit. Now I fear all I will think about when I do see her are the lies. I was in process of writing her a letter about my feelings and happiness that she was taking this step, now i want to rip it up
FYI I am obviously new to alanon so I am still fussing with step one. I need someone a little further along to provide some feedback on what to do with all of this. Thanks for reading.
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Welcome to SR......you are struggling as we all do when we love someone who is addicted/alcoholic.
I have five words written on a white board on my refridgerator:
Fear
Guilt
Pity
Shame
Anger
These are five emotions that I have identified that I really need to take a look at and determine if I am feeling any one of them, it is best that I deal with the emotion first before taking any action (including conversation) with another person. If I am acting or reacting as a result of any of those five emotions, the outcome is bound to be bad.
I'm not suggesting that I bury these feelings but just that I process the feelings FIRST before taking any action. It's working fairly well for me. Not perfectly, but pretty darn good.
Particularly when I am dealing with the addict in my life (in my case my son), I find that he has the ability to trigger these five specific emotions in me and my reactions are pretty darn predictable if I act on those emotions.
I have to very consciously try to stay calm and process my feelings myself and not look toward the addict for any kind of reassurance or validation. For that I look inward and to my HP.
I am powerless over addiction and the addict. But I am not powerless over myself (with the help of my HP).
Live and Let Live. One day at a time. Let go and let God.
Those are the things that help me when I'm feeling confused or worried or fearful.
They say "Keep going back, it works if you work it." And for me.....it does.
gentle hugs
ke
I have five words written on a white board on my refridgerator:
Fear
Guilt
Pity
Shame
Anger
These are five emotions that I have identified that I really need to take a look at and determine if I am feeling any one of them, it is best that I deal with the emotion first before taking any action (including conversation) with another person. If I am acting or reacting as a result of any of those five emotions, the outcome is bound to be bad.
I'm not suggesting that I bury these feelings but just that I process the feelings FIRST before taking any action. It's working fairly well for me. Not perfectly, but pretty darn good.
Particularly when I am dealing with the addict in my life (in my case my son), I find that he has the ability to trigger these five specific emotions in me and my reactions are pretty darn predictable if I act on those emotions.
I have to very consciously try to stay calm and process my feelings myself and not look toward the addict for any kind of reassurance or validation. For that I look inward and to my HP.
I am powerless over addiction and the addict. But I am not powerless over myself (with the help of my HP).
Live and Let Live. One day at a time. Let go and let God.
Those are the things that help me when I'm feeling confused or worried or fearful.
They say "Keep going back, it works if you work it." And for me.....it does.
gentle hugs
ke
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 598
I am a mother of a recovering addict. I'm at the beginning of this journey, a little bit further along than you are in that my son only just completed a 30 day rehab.
You have discovered what is the truth about all addicts--they lie in order to be able to keep doing what they need to do to get their drugs. It's part of the disease. My son was never a liar prior to his being an addict. That is one thing I could count on for him--to tell the truth. Not so as an addict. Now that your partner is in rehab, and if she continues with the program and leaves clean and sober, you no doubt will learn more of what was really going on before rehab. It may hurt to hear the truth, but realize that lying and being an addict go together.
My son just got out of rehab. Fortunately for my husband and me we were living out of state from where he was an addict, so he didn't bother us much with his addiction so we didn't hear a lot of lies. What he did prior to rehab is coming out now--how he manipulated to get what he wanted. I don't particularly want to know all the nitty gritty of the previous three years of his life. It's shocking to learn how our son could go to such lengths to get drugs. Just this week his lawyer asked him how his back is doing (he had a prescription for vicodin and a bottle of pills in his car when he got his first DUI) and my son told the lawyer "Man, I never had any problem with my back." As a recovering addict, the truth is now coming out. The same will be true of your partner.
Think about it--how hard it will be for her to come clean with you about what she has done. I'm sure she will feel badly for hurting you when she tells you how she has deceived you. It's better to hear the truth, though. She will have a lot to work through to make right all the wrong in her life. Be patient. And keep attending your Al-Anon meetings so that you will be prepared for what lies ahead.
You have discovered what is the truth about all addicts--they lie in order to be able to keep doing what they need to do to get their drugs. It's part of the disease. My son was never a liar prior to his being an addict. That is one thing I could count on for him--to tell the truth. Not so as an addict. Now that your partner is in rehab, and if she continues with the program and leaves clean and sober, you no doubt will learn more of what was really going on before rehab. It may hurt to hear the truth, but realize that lying and being an addict go together.
My son just got out of rehab. Fortunately for my husband and me we were living out of state from where he was an addict, so he didn't bother us much with his addiction so we didn't hear a lot of lies. What he did prior to rehab is coming out now--how he manipulated to get what he wanted. I don't particularly want to know all the nitty gritty of the previous three years of his life. It's shocking to learn how our son could go to such lengths to get drugs. Just this week his lawyer asked him how his back is doing (he had a prescription for vicodin and a bottle of pills in his car when he got his first DUI) and my son told the lawyer "Man, I never had any problem with my back." As a recovering addict, the truth is now coming out. The same will be true of your partner.
Think about it--how hard it will be for her to come clean with you about what she has done. I'm sure she will feel badly for hurting you when she tells you how she has deceived you. It's better to hear the truth, though. She will have a lot to work through to make right all the wrong in her life. Be patient. And keep attending your Al-Anon meetings so that you will be prepared for what lies ahead.
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 598
Originally Posted by Kindeyes 
Fear
Guilt
Pity
Shame
Anger
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
"K" is not responsible for your partner's slide . Your partner has a choice to hang with other addicts or not. Your parner has a choice to drink, smoke weed and get back into the piils. You also have choices.
Your partner's sobriety is not one of them.
Your partner's sobriety is not one of them.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: hot as heck, az
Posts: 142
Thank you for the guidance. I wholeheartedly agreed with kindeyes - so many times I handled her behavior out of anger. It obviously worked so well and stopped the addiction in its tracks didn't it! Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.
I've had a short night's sleep to let myself cool. While i still feel yucky about what I know, I also know its probably tip of the iceberg of what else was going on. I think what's going on with me is that when I hear this stuff, I can no longer delude myself that "it wasn't really that bad". That was my reason to not go to Al Anon earlier. My idea of an alcoholic was based on a prior relationship where when that person got drunk, things happened: things were broken, she fell down, we got asked to leave clubs, multiple DUI. I thought since my current partner isn't like that it was like "addiction lite". In a way I guess its a blessing to have the information, as much as it hurts me, b/c I can't stick my head in the sand and pretend there wasn't a real problem going on.
It helps to remember that it is a disease, and lying is part of it. I *know* that she felt deep shame and guilt any other time a lie was exposed. I can only imagine the depth of shame/guilt she's carrying about all the stuff she did that I don't know about.
I've been reading the Al Anon literature I received last night which has been helpful too. Its hard to deny needing the program when you want to highlight every other sentence and think "hey, I've done that!".
Thanks for all your help.
I've had a short night's sleep to let myself cool. While i still feel yucky about what I know, I also know its probably tip of the iceberg of what else was going on. I think what's going on with me is that when I hear this stuff, I can no longer delude myself that "it wasn't really that bad". That was my reason to not go to Al Anon earlier. My idea of an alcoholic was based on a prior relationship where when that person got drunk, things happened: things were broken, she fell down, we got asked to leave clubs, multiple DUI. I thought since my current partner isn't like that it was like "addiction lite". In a way I guess its a blessing to have the information, as much as it hurts me, b/c I can't stick my head in the sand and pretend there wasn't a real problem going on.
It helps to remember that it is a disease, and lying is part of it. I *know* that she felt deep shame and guilt any other time a lie was exposed. I can only imagine the depth of shame/guilt she's carrying about all the stuff she did that I don't know about.
I've been reading the Al Anon literature I received last night which has been helpful too. Its hard to deny needing the program when you want to highlight every other sentence and think "hey, I've done that!".
Thanks for all your help.
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Right here, right now!
Posts: 3,424
NSS-
I think for me (though I very much agree with Kindeye's words) the worst was when I was starting to come out of denial. I have been separated from my exA for almost a year now, but the denial was strong until just the last few months.
There is a lot I will probably never know or a lot that was lies in my relationship. The hard part for me though was naming it as the illness of addiction. It was like ripping a band-aid off. It does get better and I feel like I am starting to come out of my own fog now.
I think for me (though I very much agree with Kindeye's words) the worst was when I was starting to come out of denial. I have been separated from my exA for almost a year now, but the denial was strong until just the last few months.
There is a lot I will probably never know or a lot that was lies in my relationship. The hard part for me though was naming it as the illness of addiction. It was like ripping a band-aid off. It does get better and I feel like I am starting to come out of my own fog now.
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