kutarua

Hi there.

My boyfriend of a few months is an alcoholic. There were some clues closer to the beginning of the relationship, but because i've never been intimate with alcoholism, I was unsure. I have worked in the bar industry, but mostly deal with bingers and have no idea what they're like the next morning. Basically I just observed his behaviour over the last few months, and he definitely abuses alcohol. Would sleep for 2 hours, then hit the bottle again. Or, if he slept in, he would pour a drink immediately upon waking "hair of the dog" style.

What happens when he's drunk is absolutely soul-crushing. He accuses me of wanting to sleep with my male friends. Goes into these jealous rages. One night we were out with his former boss and he kept whispering in my ear that he knew I wanted to f**k him. He persisted for a few hours until I snapped and grabbed his pint glass and smashed it into his chest. Thankfully no one was hurt, but it made me rage because it was so offensive. The next morning he didn't remember ANYTHING, but when I told him he was visibly mortified and apologised.

Everytime we were out after that and he would accuse me of wanting to sleep with someone (anyone, pick a guy out of the room, one that I don't even know) I would just walk away and leave alone or with friends. I didn't want to see red again because that's not normal behaviour for me. He would then call my phone and leave these horrible slurring messages that were barely understandable. Over and over again. Once again, he wouldn't remember this happening.

I would like to mention that I've never given indication that i've wanted to be with anyone but him. No flirting whatsoever. It would just set him off if I was talking to a guy.

Well, this last weekend, he started to drink early in the day. I never drink during the day. I hate it, either i'm in bed by 7pm or I drink through until last call and that's not something i've done for many years because I hate feeling like crap. Anyhow, we were supposed to go out for a nice dinner, but it was a moot point after his 10th drink. We did end up going out, but it was to a dance club. I just wanted to dance off my frustration, and he wouldn't leave. I saw one of my friends of 20 years there and hugged him hello, and he went ballistic, embarassing me in front of my peers. He shoved me away from my friend, I fell, and my friend picked me up. Boyfriend takes off and comes back to my place - his stuff was here and he had a set of keys. I waited until 6am to come home so I would be sure he was asleep. I ended up sleeping on the couch. My friend sends me a message asking if i'm ok, but I was sleeping. BF gets a hold of my phone and throws it at me screaming that i've definitely slept with him, otherwise how would he get my number. He was still very, very drunk.

Said to me that that I was a s**t with a lot of loose ends. At that point I saw red and threw him out of my apartment. He starts sending me vile texts. Later on, via text, the apologies pour in. Last text I sent him was that it was over, that his apologies are meaningless because he refuses to correct his behaviour. This was on Monday. It is now Friday night.

I've been reading about alcoholism all week. Reflecting on what happened. Now, this is where I predicitably say that he's a fantastic, gorgeous human being when he's sober. Truly. He is. Otherwise I would not have had so much patience. I've been in the dating game for a little while now after a break of about 3-4 years and have easily called it quits with men over obvious red flags.

Now, here is where my issue has been this week. He is not from this country, he is originally from Ireland. He is completely alone here. He hasn't been here long enough to make solid friendships. He has a couple of guys he'll hang out with, also Irish, but they don't drink like he does. They're the type that will have a couple pints of stout, some good conversation and go home. I am very much worried about him. I have called AA, alanon (for myself - this has had a huge impact on me). They've all told me that there's nothing I can do whatsoever.

What I would like to do is tell him that I do, in fact, care about him a great deal - but cannot continue because of his drinking. I also want to tell him that i'm here for him when he needs support, even if it's a year from now. I can escort him to an open meeting at AA.

I just don't know how to go about it. If I should just send a text and not see him, or, should I talk to him face to face. I still have a bunch of his things here, but I can just drop them off at his door while he's at work. Perhaps giving it to him face to face is an idea? I dunno, i'm at a loss. I just don't want him to feel completely alone. I'm a little bit scared of suicide.

Sorry this is such a novel. But, does anyone have any suggestions? Help?

nandm

Welcome to SR.

I do not have any real experience to share with you but I do know that ALANON helps families and friends of alcoholics in situations like yours. They teach the tools of how to deal with the alcoholic in ones life. I would suggest contacting them and see if they can help. Also there is a section for "family and friends of alcoholics" here at SR that you might find useful. Here is the link: Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

I do hope that you are able to find a solution that works for both of you.

ReadyAndAble

I'm sorry to hear you're going through this. The drinking would be bad enough without the jealousy and anger. I'm sure you'll get a lot of advice on the forum nandm posted.

I do know that my own experience mirrors the old saying: No one could have convinced me to stop drinking; I had to get there on my own. By all means encourage him, but ultimately it's up to him.

Best wishes for you both.

ForwardMotion

I'm rather new here, and I'm sure people with more experience will come along soon. But I wanted to tell you that it sucks that you're going through the pain of loving an alcoholic, we are not known for being easy with our loved ones. *****Huge Hugs****

EmeraldRose

Being an alcohlic I can tell you that until he admits he has a problem then it will never change. I don't think you want to risk your other friendships and relationships over his alcoholism so I would say drop him.
Everyone is different when they are sober and unfortunately you can't have a part time relationship with the sober side. You have to take it all -or nothing.
Personally, I would change my locks and tell him that you need to 'release' him because of his drinking. Tell him if he decides that he can be sober then you can resume your relationship. I don't know how dangerous he is but you can't let him drag you through life anymore.
If you have to get the police involved or a get a restraining order then do it. Even though you don't have 'personal' evidence you do have witness' that can confirm his behavior on your behalf.
Wishing you peace and strength.

kutarua

I took the spare keys away. He doesn't have them anymore, and because they're specialised security keys he couldn't have had any cut. Also, he only had ONE of the keys to the two locks on my door. I took one of them away when he came over after a night of drinking, while I was asleep and I had to stay awake until 5am to babysit him. Like I said though, I have them all now. I'm not concerned about future aggression from him while we are apart, and I don't have any intention of running back to him. The bad outweighed the good in the end.

I just want him to know he's not alone and i'm trying to figure out the best way to do this, face to face when I know he's sober or just via simple text (which, truthfully, seems impersonal). I appreciate everyone's kind words and advice, though, thank you.

Rusty Zipper

as your only into the relationship a few months

ajangel

One thing to be married to an alcoholic and want to stay with him to help him. Quite another to be dating one. Good thing to end it now. If I was sober, I wouldn't get involved with an alcoholic. Too much of an emotional roller coaster. I wouldn't have put up with my crap for very long. Good luck to you. You made the right decision

Pachystima

Another vote for the "run don't walk" option. You can't make him want to quit; only he can do that. He sounds as though he might have the potential for violence in him and you could wind up being hurt, or worse; it happens all the time.

kutarua

I do understand the reality and i'm not interested in persuing a relationship with him anymore. I have my life to live, and his issues really bogged me down. I was noticing that I was actually dreading his arrival, sober or not, into my home near the end there. Plus, each time I'd kiss him, i'd be sniffing his breath everytime. I don't want to live in paranoia and be constantly worried that he'll be drunk each time I see him. That's not a nice feeling.

I was just looking for advice on how to tell him that when he's ready i'm willing to support him. However, I suppose I should have said "as a friend" up above for clarity. There is some goodness in the man and I believe that each person deserves support in some way, and we were quite close those months we were together. I really believe there is potential in him. He was sober for a month and I saw his paranoia just wash away and there was a nice calm about him...but then he wanted to celebrate getting a new job and it went downhill from there and I became fed up.

PaleMale

Pepper spray is inexpensive. As others have mentioned, this guy could be dangerous, and I wouldn't be surprised if he surprises you in a walking blackout someday. His controlling and jealousy are an incendiary combination. Good luck, and I think leaving him was the right thing to do.

Zebra1275

It's good to end the relationship. He won't be alone if he goes to AA. Maybe losing you is the "bottom" he needs.

billsaintjames

Nobody deserves to be physically (or verbally) attacked. It sounds like it may be for the best if both of you moved on.

wellnowwhat

hi. 30 years in an alcoholic marriage speaking here (I'm the codie).

The alcoholics seem to have an infinite ability to find someone to help them maintain their disease. They find compassionate people who just don't want to see them __________(homeless, jobless, friendless, alone, in jail...)__________. They'll repeat this over and over again.

We see glimpses of their potential from time to time and that keeps us hooked.

It is part ego that we think we are the ones to help them not _________(fill in the blank)__________.

Truth is, anyone who helps them, isn't. (The exception to this is maybe handing over a list of contact numbers of groups who can truly be of help to the alcoholic when they decide to help themselves and then brushing your hands of the situation.)

So sorry you are in this place, so glad you're digging yourself out.

kutarua

This is exactly what I needed to hear, thank you! I wanted to offer *something*, not just walk away and never to be heard from again. As it stands at this moment, he has not heard a single thing from me since Monday afternoon and I intended to keep it that way until I could find some way to communicate to him that there is help out there for him if he needs it, and then, after that to walk away never to be seen again. Unless, of course, he needs one moment of support to accompany him to an open AA meeting. Whether it be a week from now, or 10 years from now. And it would only be under that condition.

I don't want to date him anymore. The damage that has been done is irreparable, and as someone quoted above with the pint glass, has once brought out the worst in me thereby making us a toxic pair. I'm too strong willed to put up with any sort of false accusations and macho bravado.

So, once again, thank you for that. I'm off to compile a list of numbers for him, to call my own physician and see if she can offer up any detox numbers and print up a couple of pamphlets that I can stuff in his bag of things that I can safely hang from his door while he at work.

wellnowwhat

I don't know if AA offers it, but if they can arrange a ride for him and the support to enter his first meeting, I would find this out and tell him, instead of offering to do it yourself. This (a) gives him a chance to meet someone who can provide real support one-on-one and (b) doesn't give him an opportunity to work on sucking you in. Maybe someone who knows this can respond?

Good luck with everything!

ACT10Npack

Sorry about your situation kutarua but your only dating him and not married. It's a completely different story. Just like lpnangel said in his post. Your better off walking away from him and let him deal with his alcohol abuse problems which is always something internal with the person that they are battling with them self. Taking him to AA or any self recovery will most likely be a bust. He will need to decide that he needs to change for himself. If he does not see a problem then nothing you can do will help.

Sorry about this but better off know this now before things get really serious.