spinwc

I just found out via a mutual friend that my XABF has moved his new girlfriend (3rd one since we ended it 10 months ago) in with him. Apparently she smokes like a chimney and drinks like a fish-right up his alley.

This made me wonder: Can two drinkers actually have a relationship? Part of me thinks that they probably are a match made in heaven...party every night and no nagging about being drunk. No hiding it, no lying about it, no shame.

However, I cant imagine that the grass is actually that green. It must be highly disfunctional. I would think that "mean" would eventually come out in one or both of them.

Thank God I am no longer in that mess!

MycoolFitz

As an active alcoholic I once met a women who was also an alcoholic. I thought it would be a match made in heaven. It lasted about two weeks. I saw my drunkedness reflected in her and it made me sick.

spinwc

They have been together since the beginning of the year I guess, now live together, which IMO is way to fast in a normal relationship, much less one with an alcoholic. So i suppose something is working, for now.

Again-Thank God its not me!

StarCat

It's stressful enough to have a "relationship" where only one person is taking on all the responsibility.
Can you imagine how much worse it would be in a "relationship" where nobody takes responsibility?

skippernlilg

That match was not made in heaven. More like aitch-ee-double hockey sticks!

You dodged a bullet there.

spinwc

I dont really know the situation so to say that she is an alcoholic may not be true, however, the way it was said to me was "she likes to drink". Either way-I am sure the booze is flowing every night around 7ish, like it always did.

Bullet dodged! Whew!

Freedom1990

Define "works."

My marriage to my EXAH was perfect. By concentrating on his addictions/alcoholism, I didn't have to work on mine!

Needless to say it ended very badly.

laurie6781

I was married to my first husband for 10 years. We were both alcoholics, however I do believe his was further ahead in his progression.

It was great the first few years, then it slowly turned into the Hatfields and McCoys. I lost count of how many times the cops were at our house.

Right now he has a 'drinking buddy' and she has a supplier of booze. That will change.

Yes, be grateful it is NOT you.

Love and hugs,

JACKRUSSELLGIRL

He is on his 3rd girlfriend in 10 months?? I think that says it all!!!

I do not believe A's have relationships until they get into recovery. He just has another enabler and so does she. Good luck to them! I wonder who is going to pay the bills, keep the house clean and do the normal stuff that is required in life. I am sure there will be alot of drunkenness, fighting and chaos in his life. That is what untreated alcoholism does in our world.

iliveforyou

First, I had a relationship many years ago. At the time, I had an addictive personality. Turns out he was a heroin addict, soon after I became one full blown in days. We had so much "in common". Our mental illnesses, our pain, music, etc. I thought I had the perfect relationship. After a couple of months, the physical abuse and severe emotional abuse began. Not so "perfect" anymore.. My addict self stayed for several reasons. It ended when we both landed ourselves in prison, where he is still at.

I also had a relationship with an alcoholic and I drank with him on occasion. I watched him slowly kill himself as he had less than a year to live at that point due to liver failure and cirrhosis. This was different because he was my soul mate and very best friend. I left because I couldn't watch him kill himself. Shortly after leaving, he died. I lost my best friend and soulmate.

Two addicts having a relationship is unlikely to work and so very unhealthy.

-Jess

Pelican

Instead of asking how can their relationship prosper,
ask yourself why you are letting this take up space in your head?

Tuffgirl

From what I read, alcoholics struggle to have "working relationships" anyway...at least ones that would be defined as "healthy", so I don't think two alcoholics would be any more or less successful than one and a non-alcoholic are. Having a healthy, intimate relationship requires much more than shared activities (like we both love to drink). My bet on this one not lasting very long.

TakingCharge999

That lasts? yes, I know many destructive couples that have lasted years, seem happy in their misery. Also my dad with his "new" wife, have lasted 25 years, both are raging codependents, she controls everything and he lets her. To the extent of isolating him from his family. He is a willing hostage.

To me "a working relationship" is the one who makes both people more humane, more compassionate, more honest... better... and no one sick is able to be any of that for himself or herself so there is no way they will be able to share it with someone else. We can only give what we have.

I get you because I wondered a lot about XABF and his new GF, I don't remember where exactly but in the Stickies classic reading it says its a red flag if the partner pushes on living together too soon. I think its in the "About Abuse" section.

XABF and "new" GF moved in together right away. Its natural to wonder, I suffered for months too wondering about "them" but honestly I can't care less anymore. If other people are OK or feeling badly or having the time of their life or healing or whatever- the sun is still shining out of my window, my cats are still loving me, I still got people to love who love me, and I can keep on making my plans and going to spas and traveling and reading and learning and singing and laughing and watching "Sex and the city" reruns.

I hope you let go of the "whole package" soon! although to me it has taken 2-3 years... but hey, progress, not perfection.
We were given the gift of life, and its ours to live it. We are worth it!

PS Going from one gf to the other looks like avoidance and distraction to me. I know because I went from guy to guy, every time sicker and sicker, until it was too painful to keep on.

spinwc

Pelican-I actually dont let it take up space in my head. I happen to run into a mutual friend who told me about it and thought he finally found his match. It was just a question that I had not seen on this website before and was curious, which I thought was the purpose of this forum...to ask questions and learn from eachother. We are all here for the same reasons and have the right to ask questions that are on our mind without judgement.

marie1960

Hey if two active alcoholics find each other, good for them. That way they aren't effin up other peoples lives!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

spinwc

Thats exactly how I feel Marie!! Well said!

spinwc

Thank you for the kind post takingcharge999. You are right-it is a process. I look at where i am now compared to 10 months ago when I ended it....millions of miles! Still got a ways to go wtih myself, but I am working on it full blast.

twocsgirl

Whatever happened to this couple? Did they break up or has it lasted?

AnvilheadII

this thread is 6 years old and many of the posters haven't been heard from since......

SparkleKitty

It's a very old thread, twocsgirl, and we don't know the outcome.

But I'd bet my last dollar that it didn't work out.

Relationships that work require two present partners. Alcoholism makes you unable to be present with other people, or even, really, yourself.