I see it coming ...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 29
I see it coming ...
the quack, quack, quack lol.
I've been speaking my mind more and more lately and have mentioned several times that AH is drinking too much right to his face, sometimes in public as he goes to buy more beer when we have a case already at home. I keep it calm and neutral - not wanting to start a fight, just stating my observation and he hasn't reacted as if I'm starting a fight even if he doesn't like hearing it.
(sorry if this is tmi for some)
So last night I noticed him start to do his classic "I'm cutting back" tactic: get a beer out of the fridge and put it on the table but don't open it for 30-60 minutes. That way he only drinks less than or about half of what he usually does. It's hard to say but I think he only had 3 or 4 last night - he's good at sneaking empties into the recycling. He also made several sexual advances clearly stating he wanted to have sex that night and get a little 'kinky' (which I don't particularly care to do what he considers kinky).
It's freakin' 95 degrees here. The humidity is so thick it's hard to breathe - we sweat sitting still. I don't want anything to touch me much less have sex. He kept trying to pull me into an embrace or grab at me. I couldn't help pulling back - I was so uncomfortable with the heat. When I told him that I didn't really want to be touched that much because I was so hot I got the usual frustrated pulling away and muttered "when do you want me to touch you." I called him out saying that I was too hot. It wasn't a personal attack on him at all - I was simply really uncomfortable in the heat. He told me that it sure felt personal. Whatever. I'm sorry he felt that way but that's not my doing. He sure picked a heck of a time to want to get close with the heat wave. Makes me think he's sabotaging his own attempt to "cut back".
This went on a few times last night. And we did not have sex. It was just too hot. I know from past experience where this is heading - he "cuts back" a day or two and when I don't give him the kind of sex he wants he gets passive aggressive, says a variation of "I guess it doesn't matter how much I drink, I thought you didn't want to have sex when I've been drinking, but when I don't drink I don't get any either so why stop? What's my motivation?" Followed at some point with a variation of: "You don't care about me. Do you even love me?" (me: I do love you) "It's one thing to say it, but it doesn't mean a thing unless you show it."
Sigh. I see it coming but I'm not worried about fixing it this time. I'm sorry he feel the way he feels, that's his to own. Not me. I shouldn't have to give sexual incentives to keep him from drinking. That's just making me hostage in another way. Nor do I have to accept touches if I don't want to be touched. So there Mr.Duck
I've been speaking my mind more and more lately and have mentioned several times that AH is drinking too much right to his face, sometimes in public as he goes to buy more beer when we have a case already at home. I keep it calm and neutral - not wanting to start a fight, just stating my observation and he hasn't reacted as if I'm starting a fight even if he doesn't like hearing it.
(sorry if this is tmi for some)
So last night I noticed him start to do his classic "I'm cutting back" tactic: get a beer out of the fridge and put it on the table but don't open it for 30-60 minutes. That way he only drinks less than or about half of what he usually does. It's hard to say but I think he only had 3 or 4 last night - he's good at sneaking empties into the recycling. He also made several sexual advances clearly stating he wanted to have sex that night and get a little 'kinky' (which I don't particularly care to do what he considers kinky).
It's freakin' 95 degrees here. The humidity is so thick it's hard to breathe - we sweat sitting still. I don't want anything to touch me much less have sex. He kept trying to pull me into an embrace or grab at me. I couldn't help pulling back - I was so uncomfortable with the heat. When I told him that I didn't really want to be touched that much because I was so hot I got the usual frustrated pulling away and muttered "when do you want me to touch you." I called him out saying that I was too hot. It wasn't a personal attack on him at all - I was simply really uncomfortable in the heat. He told me that it sure felt personal. Whatever. I'm sorry he felt that way but that's not my doing. He sure picked a heck of a time to want to get close with the heat wave. Makes me think he's sabotaging his own attempt to "cut back".
This went on a few times last night. And we did not have sex. It was just too hot. I know from past experience where this is heading - he "cuts back" a day or two and when I don't give him the kind of sex he wants he gets passive aggressive, says a variation of "I guess it doesn't matter how much I drink, I thought you didn't want to have sex when I've been drinking, but when I don't drink I don't get any either so why stop? What's my motivation?" Followed at some point with a variation of: "You don't care about me. Do you even love me?" (me: I do love you) "It's one thing to say it, but it doesn't mean a thing unless you show it."
Sigh. I see it coming but I'm not worried about fixing it this time. I'm sorry he feel the way he feels, that's his to own. Not me. I shouldn't have to give sexual incentives to keep him from drinking. That's just making me hostage in another way. Nor do I have to accept touches if I don't want to be touched. So there Mr.Duck
Member
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Canada
Posts: 76
I am SO with YOU on this. My husband does and says exactly the same thing. When I say I don't want to have sex with him if he's been drinking, he will cut back (never skoip a night) and then throw it in my face when, if for any reason, I don't actually feel in the mood that night.
I think you're dead on - they're just using us in another way.
I think you're dead on - they're just using us in another way.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Kansas
Posts: 23
Lady,
I have a similar issue with my AW on not wanting to have sex after she's been drinking (which is pretty much every night). So she's been laying the guilt pretty heavy about lack of intimacy lately. I just don't find it enjoyable when she's in that condition. Thanks for sharing.
I have a similar issue with my AW on not wanting to have sex after she's been drinking (which is pretty much every night). So she's been laying the guilt pretty heavy about lack of intimacy lately. I just don't find it enjoyable when she's in that condition. Thanks for sharing.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 29
Glad to hear I'm not alone, although I'm sorry that others are experiencing this type of manipulation. I feel pretty strong right now although I must admit I do feel some hurt down deep. I'm not going to buy his ticket and just keep taking deep breaths and remind myself that I am an affectionate, loving person. That I like to be intimate when I feel like it. I don't have to have sex if I don't want to. I am not a cold, selfish prude if I don't feel like having sex. There's nothing wrong with me for not wanting to have sex. I do not need to be "fixed". This helps battle back the negative comments that come my way about this subject. And it's more mature than me standing there with my fingers stuck in my ears saying "I can't hear you!" 
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