?s about Al-Anon
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Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 17
?s about Al-Anon
Next week I am going to my first Al-Anon meeting. I've thought about it for, oh, three years now, and now with so many people here telling me it will be beneficial, I've decided to put away my anxieties and just do it.
I have some ?s that might be obvious, but I don't know the answers. First, some of the groups have a separate group for kids -- what do the kids do? (I have three and they may or may not be with me, depending on what time I go). Second, if I go and feel like I'm better off listening and not talking, is that ok?
I'm concerned about how my partner will react when he learns I'm going -- he's full of deny/blame others for his drinking and is embarrassed/angry that I "think" he has a problem (his words). He will, I'm sure, be furious (he isn't physically violent but he is verbally abusive and scary when he's drunk). Not sure if I should tell him or keep it quiet.
And then finally, about the steps -- I don't know much about the steps, and how to know if/when I'm ready to work them... is that the driving force behind Al-Anon? It may be that I go and think, "oh yeah, let's start the steps!" or it may be that I think, "the steps aren't right for me," I honestly don't know. Let's just say that I go and decide I'm not ready/able/willing to go down the 12 step path, would I still be welcome at the meetings? (I'm not saying I won't, I'm just saying that reading about them and seeing them in action seem like they are very different things).
I have some ?s that might be obvious, but I don't know the answers. First, some of the groups have a separate group for kids -- what do the kids do? (I have three and they may or may not be with me, depending on what time I go). Second, if I go and feel like I'm better off listening and not talking, is that ok?
I'm concerned about how my partner will react when he learns I'm going -- he's full of deny/blame others for his drinking and is embarrassed/angry that I "think" he has a problem (his words). He will, I'm sure, be furious (he isn't physically violent but he is verbally abusive and scary when he's drunk). Not sure if I should tell him or keep it quiet.
And then finally, about the steps -- I don't know much about the steps, and how to know if/when I'm ready to work them... is that the driving force behind Al-Anon? It may be that I go and think, "oh yeah, let's start the steps!" or it may be that I think, "the steps aren't right for me," I honestly don't know. Let's just say that I go and decide I'm not ready/able/willing to go down the 12 step path, would I still be welcome at the meetings? (I'm not saying I won't, I'm just saying that reading about them and seeing them in action seem like they are very different things).
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,294
The only thing that's really scary about Al-Anon is that we think it's scary... until we try it... and then we generally discover it's one of the most healing places to spend time.
I think what the kids do will be dependent on who is there to watch them, so it would depend on the group; I don't think there is any formal program or activities that Al-Anon itself does with them, it's just child care.
You are more than welcome not to participate! Many, many people don't feel comfortable opening up in meetings, until and unless they decide to, and that's entirely OK. Just say you'd like to listen only, if it comes up.
If you have any fears of your partner being abusive upon learning about Al-Anon, you have the right not to disclose this to him. (You have this right even if you do not have fears.)
Learn as you want about the steps, and if and when YOU become ready to try them, ask another person for assistance. Al-Anon is YOUR jouney, and you will not be pressured or forced to do anything.
Finally, I'd say, that for many people there is a culture shock in the first Al-Anon meetings, and it can take trying several meetings and several different groups to adapt and find just the right fit for you. So it's normal to feel "funny" in your first meetings and not cause for concern, generally.
CLMI
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Since everyone has different experiences with Al-Anon, I am just going to share my story.
It's been one year for me, this month. My Mom sent me to that first meeting, where I sat with my arm wrapped around a box of Kleenex and cried. No one said a word about it, just got a few pats and shoulder squeezes, and lots of hugs afterwards! I went to a second meeting the next day, where I talked a bit about my situation. And then I had hard time getting back in the room after that...like others describe, did a few drive bys, then a few actual parks in the lot only to pull out and go home again, before I went INSIDE for a third time. The fourth meeting was a few weeks later, the fifth about a month later, the 6th took and I have been in the program faithfully ever since.
I think I was struggling through my own denial that I needed this resource...I am not the alcoholic darn it...plus the feeling of embarrassment that this was happening to my life. And on top of that was the fear that my husband would freak out if he found out I was going, so I hid the newcomers packet in the back of my closet. Then in the spare tire wheelwell of my car. Then left it at my Mom's. Sheesh...makes me laugh now thinking of the lengths I went to!
I have been working on Steps 6 & 7, and no it is not a requirement to work the steps or get a sponsor, but I chose to do both because I recognized the benefits in the skills I was learning. The best one of all is the fine art of detachment! Took a long time but I finally got what that means to me and what it looks like. Also working Step 4 allowed me to re-frame my own resentments in such a way that I could move forward into forgiveness, especially forgiving myself.
You will always be welcome at meetings anywhere in the world. Always. It is the one place I can just sit quietly and be, without having to explain my story. Other Al-Anon-ers just know, like the folks here. That is an amazing feeling!
It's been one year for me, this month. My Mom sent me to that first meeting, where I sat with my arm wrapped around a box of Kleenex and cried. No one said a word about it, just got a few pats and shoulder squeezes, and lots of hugs afterwards! I went to a second meeting the next day, where I talked a bit about my situation. And then I had hard time getting back in the room after that...like others describe, did a few drive bys, then a few actual parks in the lot only to pull out and go home again, before I went INSIDE for a third time. The fourth meeting was a few weeks later, the fifth about a month later, the 6th took and I have been in the program faithfully ever since.
I think I was struggling through my own denial that I needed this resource...I am not the alcoholic darn it...plus the feeling of embarrassment that this was happening to my life. And on top of that was the fear that my husband would freak out if he found out I was going, so I hid the newcomers packet in the back of my closet. Then in the spare tire wheelwell of my car. Then left it at my Mom's. Sheesh...makes me laugh now thinking of the lengths I went to!
I have been working on Steps 6 & 7, and no it is not a requirement to work the steps or get a sponsor, but I chose to do both because I recognized the benefits in the skills I was learning. The best one of all is the fine art of detachment! Took a long time but I finally got what that means to me and what it looks like. Also working Step 4 allowed me to re-frame my own resentments in such a way that I could move forward into forgiveness, especially forgiving myself.
You will always be welcome at meetings anywhere in the world. Always. It is the one place I can just sit quietly and be, without having to explain my story. Other Al-Anon-ers just know, like the folks here. That is an amazing feeling!
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Memphis, TN
Posts: 2,884
Ogilve, (go live?)
There is nothing to worry about. I live in a large metropolitan area and there are lots of meetings. Many of them have beginners meetings which are less structured and easier to step into. Search online for your area to see the meeting place and times and you should be able to find there whether or not there is a beginners meeting.
After that you move at your own pace. It is your recovery and you will manage it. Al-anon simply provides the tools and support.
Edit, one thing I found surprising when I first started is how happy so many of the people attending are. It didn't seem right that people who were living with or lived with the same issues as me could be happy. Seems normal now.
Your friend,
There is nothing to worry about. I live in a large metropolitan area and there are lots of meetings. Many of them have beginners meetings which are less structured and easier to step into. Search online for your area to see the meeting place and times and you should be able to find there whether or not there is a beginners meeting.
After that you move at your own pace. It is your recovery and you will manage it. Al-anon simply provides the tools and support.
Edit, one thing I found surprising when I first started is how happy so many of the people attending are. It didn't seem right that people who were living with or lived with the same issues as me could be happy. Seems normal now.
Your friend,
Member
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 588
My Alanon experience:
I thought about Alanon for a long time before going and did not know what to expect either.
When I climbed those steps the first time I had heavy legs. I knew I was finally, completely acknowledging there is a problem. I was greeted by a lovely, smiling women who asked if she could hug me. I nodded, because I could not even say "yes" out loud.
We all sat in a circle and the chairperson read for quite a long time and then they read the steps around the circle, and the traditions. Someone gave me a booklet with these, but they had said I could pass and not read, and that's what I did. I sat and listened and cried.
About halfway through the meeting they asked if the Newcomers (me) wanted a Newcomer's meeting apart from the circle and here someone talked to me about Alanon and I shared a bit with them. Still crying.
We rejoined the group to close out the meeting and several people gave me hugs and offered words of encouragement to keep coming back.
My first two reactions were: "these people don't look crazy" (because at that time I did feel crazy) and I wanted the serenity they already had.
My second was a little bit of anger: I thought that I would come and they would give me the magic phrase or technique to get him to stop drinking, and or they would say "yes, leave him, you are right" and absolve my conscience. Here there were suggesting that maybe I had a problem that needed fixing.
I worried about the Higher Power thing. It is a spiritual program, not a religious program. Your Higher Power could be a Christian God, Mother Earth, the collective group, Good Orderly Direction. It is what you determine it to be for you, and sometimes you don't know what it will be for you for a long time. And you are not judged on it, or lack of it, or depth of it, etc.
For the first 6 months, I did not share although I would read the steps and traditions around the circle. Slowly I began to share. Often what I thought I may say and what ended up saying were different, and enlightening.
I did not start working the steps until more than 2 years into the program.
Everyone goes at their own pace. And there are slips, and sometimes I feel like I am a newcomer again. And you see growth and relapses in others, too.
It is a kind group of people who know what you have thought and felt. You can see your experiences through their experiences and their reactions and their discoveries.
Anonymity plays an important role and gives you the confidence to share freely. It is up to you if you decide to share more, e.g. email or phone other members outside meetings. No one should acknowledge you publicly, say on the street, unless you give them the OK first. It might make for a sticky explanation of how you know that person.
My husband knows I go and puts on a "poor me" act when I leave for meetings. I used to let it bother me, but now I know that his reaction is HIS and leave it at that. Some in my group have told their families/alcoholic and some have not.
Hope this helps. This just how our meetings are and how I found Alanon to be for me. I've been to different ones with different formats, e.g. book studies, but the basics are the same.
It's a gift you give yourself.:day6
When I climbed those steps the first time I had heavy legs. I knew I was finally, completely acknowledging there is a problem. I was greeted by a lovely, smiling women who asked if she could hug me. I nodded, because I could not even say "yes" out loud.
We all sat in a circle and the chairperson read for quite a long time and then they read the steps around the circle, and the traditions. Someone gave me a booklet with these, but they had said I could pass and not read, and that's what I did. I sat and listened and cried.
About halfway through the meeting they asked if the Newcomers (me) wanted a Newcomer's meeting apart from the circle and here someone talked to me about Alanon and I shared a bit with them. Still crying.
We rejoined the group to close out the meeting and several people gave me hugs and offered words of encouragement to keep coming back.
My first two reactions were: "these people don't look crazy" (because at that time I did feel crazy) and I wanted the serenity they already had.
My second was a little bit of anger: I thought that I would come and they would give me the magic phrase or technique to get him to stop drinking, and or they would say "yes, leave him, you are right" and absolve my conscience. Here there were suggesting that maybe I had a problem that needed fixing.
I worried about the Higher Power thing. It is a spiritual program, not a religious program. Your Higher Power could be a Christian God, Mother Earth, the collective group, Good Orderly Direction. It is what you determine it to be for you, and sometimes you don't know what it will be for you for a long time. And you are not judged on it, or lack of it, or depth of it, etc.
For the first 6 months, I did not share although I would read the steps and traditions around the circle. Slowly I began to share. Often what I thought I may say and what ended up saying were different, and enlightening.
I did not start working the steps until more than 2 years into the program.
Everyone goes at their own pace. And there are slips, and sometimes I feel like I am a newcomer again. And you see growth and relapses in others, too.
It is a kind group of people who know what you have thought and felt. You can see your experiences through their experiences and their reactions and their discoveries.
Anonymity plays an important role and gives you the confidence to share freely. It is up to you if you decide to share more, e.g. email or phone other members outside meetings. No one should acknowledge you publicly, say on the street, unless you give them the OK first. It might make for a sticky explanation of how you know that person.
My husband knows I go and puts on a "poor me" act when I leave for meetings. I used to let it bother me, but now I know that his reaction is HIS and leave it at that. Some in my group have told their families/alcoholic and some have not.
Hope this helps. This just how our meetings are and how I found Alanon to be for me. I've been to different ones with different formats, e.g. book studies, but the basics are the same.
It's a gift you give yourself.:day6
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Memphis, TN
Posts: 2,884
Just a little insight. I was talking with someone after my last meeting and he made the comment that he will keep coming as long as he feels better walking out than he did walking in. He has been attending for over 10 years now.
Today is a New Day
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 1,766
Originally Posted by catlovermi 
I think what the kids do will be dependent on who is there to watch them, so it would depend on the group; I don't think there is any formal program or activities that Al-Anon itself does with them, it's just child care.
Alateen is like Al-Anon for teenagers. (Some groups allow younger children to attend as well). I've never been to a meeting, but from what I understand it's like Al-Anon but even more informal, because it is geared for children.
The adults in the Alateen room are not permitted to be related to the children in the room, since generally kids are more open about what they're really thinking if they don't know the adults.
There is a concurrent Alateen meeting at my Al-Anon home group, and it seems to help those who attend. Their meetings also last longer than ours on a regular basis, so they must enjoy them, since nobody wants to leave.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Georgia
Posts: 51
Thanks for the feedback and the advice below is a journal entry from the day I went to my first Al-Anon meeting. Sorry if it is long.
As I headed out the door I was terrified, the whole drive mortified, I talked myself in and out of it 10 times, then I was there. No backing out, I ask God to give me the courage to meet this new challange. I walked in scared to face people and admit out loud for the first time that I was married to an alcoholic. But I did it. Wasn't as hard or as scary as I pictured it being. No looks of shock, no feeling of embarassment, just a little relief followed by understanding and comfort. Made me wish I had gone long before now. But on the drive home I was left to ponder...."How did my life end up here? and "Where do I go from here?"
I would like to say I just woke up one day and it had happen. But I don't believe we should make a practice of lying to ourselves. It happened over a great period of time, and yes I saw it coming in a distance. But my life in Denialville was so nice. A place where I didn't have to deal with it at all. But as it is a progressive disease it kept getting worse not better. Much harder to ignore. As my resentment grew so did my feelings of low self esteem. I mean how could I have let this happen in my family? That is what I expected everyone would think once the curtain was down. The more I felt this way the more I blamed myself for the drinking. I mean it had to be my fault, right? Well guess what I found out today it is not my fault. "We didn't cause it, we can't control it, and we can't cure it." And what a relief, even though I knew I wasn't responsible it felt good to have people tell me to let go of the guilt. I believe how I got here is because I saw a problem I couldn't fix which led me to one I could, Myself. Now as for the where do I go from here, well that is the truely awesome part, where I go in my recovery is limitless. I have to just remember to take it one day at a time, and to continue to go and recieve comfort and advice from others who have walked this way before. I need to listen and learn and share. I need to remember I deserve love especially from myself.
I know ones life does not change suddenly but today attending my first Al-Anon meeting I believe I have taken a really big step in changing my life forever. I just have to continue to work the program
As I headed out the door I was terrified, the whole drive mortified, I talked myself in and out of it 10 times, then I was there. No backing out, I ask God to give me the courage to meet this new challange. I walked in scared to face people and admit out loud for the first time that I was married to an alcoholic. But I did it. Wasn't as hard or as scary as I pictured it being. No looks of shock, no feeling of embarassment, just a little relief followed by understanding and comfort. Made me wish I had gone long before now. But on the drive home I was left to ponder...."How did my life end up here? and "Where do I go from here?"
I would like to say I just woke up one day and it had happen. But I don't believe we should make a practice of lying to ourselves. It happened over a great period of time, and yes I saw it coming in a distance. But my life in Denialville was so nice. A place where I didn't have to deal with it at all. But as it is a progressive disease it kept getting worse not better. Much harder to ignore. As my resentment grew so did my feelings of low self esteem. I mean how could I have let this happen in my family? That is what I expected everyone would think once the curtain was down. The more I felt this way the more I blamed myself for the drinking. I mean it had to be my fault, right? Well guess what I found out today it is not my fault. "We didn't cause it, we can't control it, and we can't cure it." And what a relief, even though I knew I wasn't responsible it felt good to have people tell me to let go of the guilt. I believe how I got here is because I saw a problem I couldn't fix which led me to one I could, Myself. Now as for the where do I go from here, well that is the truely awesome part, where I go in my recovery is limitless. I have to just remember to take it one day at a time, and to continue to go and recieve comfort and advice from others who have walked this way before. I need to listen and learn and share. I need to remember I deserve love especially from myself.
I know ones life does not change suddenly but today attending my first Al-Anon meeting I believe I have taken a really big step in changing my life forever. I just have to continue to work the program
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Northeast USA
Posts: 213
You got some great advice already, but I wanted to add that I have been going to al-anon off and on for almost 5 years and I haven't formally "worked the steps" yet. I have started, but stopped... busy with life. I know the steps are there when I'm ready to work them but in the meantime, I am doing well just using other tools in the program.
Hope that helps.
Hope that helps.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Right here, right now!
Posts: 3,424
I also agree with what everyone wrote.
I live in a relatively small community (45,000) in a remote area of the country. There are not "types" of meetings in quite the same way as a result.....but each group remains different.
I have been going about 18 mths, and it took me until 4 mths ago to work the first step. It has taken me all that time to get it that first step out.
My favorite saying from Al-anon is "Take what you like and leave the rest." For me that varies at times....but knowing that there is no right or wrong from the program it is what is right for me really helps.
I live in a relatively small community (45,000) in a remote area of the country. There are not "types" of meetings in quite the same way as a result.....but each group remains different.
I have been going about 18 mths, and it took me until 4 mths ago to work the first step. It has taken me all that time to get it that first step out.
My favorite saying from Al-anon is "Take what you like and leave the rest." For me that varies at times....but knowing that there is no right or wrong from the program it is what is right for me really helps.
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