Help with writing my husband a letter
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Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: NH
Posts: 3
Help with writing my husband a letter
Hi everyone - I'm new here and apologize if I'm doing this wrong! I'm a 31 year old stay-at-home mom to a 4 year old girl and I also happen to be 7 months pregnant with our second daughter. Quick background - my husband (been together 10 years) recently came home with the revelation that he is an addict (mainly to pills). Yes, it was a revelation because he hid it remarkably well from me and happened to be away often with work so it was easy to miss a bunch of signs....at least that's what I'm telling myself. Anyhow, he came home from a trip and told me that he is an addict and checked himself into detox the next day. He has been sober for one month and actively participates in not only AA meetings but an outpatient program through his detox center that meets for 3 hours four days per week. He is very positive and seems to be doing great.
Anyways, my question is this - all of the participants of this program are asked to have their SO write them a letter. This letter will be sealed in an envelope until they open it and read it aloud at the meeting. The letter is supposed to talk about things like how their addiction affected me, etc - but him being an addict is very new to me and he and I are just starting to talk about those feelings in marriage counseling. I'm not completely comfortable with airing feelings I haven't discussed with him yet in such a public way - and without me even there to talk! Is anyone familiar with these types of letters/situations? What did you do or what would you do in my situation? It's not that I don't want to talk to him about these things, but I'm doing it at my own pace and with the guidance of a counselor.
Thanks in advance for any advice! I'm thrilled to find this forum and hope to use it more frequently. I look forward to meeting you all!
Anyways, my question is this - all of the participants of this program are asked to have their SO write them a letter. This letter will be sealed in an envelope until they open it and read it aloud at the meeting. The letter is supposed to talk about things like how their addiction affected me, etc - but him being an addict is very new to me and he and I are just starting to talk about those feelings in marriage counseling. I'm not completely comfortable with airing feelings I haven't discussed with him yet in such a public way - and without me even there to talk! Is anyone familiar with these types of letters/situations? What did you do or what would you do in my situation? It's not that I don't want to talk to him about these things, but I'm doing it at my own pace and with the guidance of a counselor.
Thanks in advance for any advice! I'm thrilled to find this forum and hope to use it more frequently. I look forward to meeting you all!
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Welcome to SR......I'm glad you found us but I am sorry for the reason that bring you here.
These letters are pretty common in rehab programs. My understanding is that the letters help the addict face the damage their addiction has caused in their relationships and how it has affected those around them.
In addition, we are often in denial of the many ways that addiction has affected us. It is also a way for us to begin to understand who we have become as a result of the addiction. Addiction is a family disease and the addict isn't the only one who is suffering.
Addiction is a disease that manefests itself in behaviors. The common behaviors are lying, hiding, stealing, spending enormous amounts of money on the drug of choice (often money that was meant for bills, mortgage, or food for the family), broken promises, not dependable, emotional absence, physical absence, and the list goes on and on and on.
These behaviors often cause behaviors to develop in the people they are closest to (us) that can be just as obnoxious. Crying, pleading, threatening, cajoling, lying, playing detective, anger, yelling, and again.....the list goes on and on. Sometimes we just pull into a shell of denial and pretend that what is happening....isn't.
The relationship becomes disfunctional.
The rehab my son was in suggested that we use phrases like:
"When you did ________, it made me feel _________." or "When _________happened, I felt ____________."
When I wrote the letter for my son when he was in rehab, I was honest. I also wrote of my love and support of his recovery.
These are just some of my thoughts and experiences. I'm sure others will be along soon to give you some other perspectives. These are only my thoughts and there are so many people here at SR who have been through many years with addicted loved ones.
gentle hugs
ke
These letters are pretty common in rehab programs. My understanding is that the letters help the addict face the damage their addiction has caused in their relationships and how it has affected those around them.
In addition, we are often in denial of the many ways that addiction has affected us. It is also a way for us to begin to understand who we have become as a result of the addiction. Addiction is a family disease and the addict isn't the only one who is suffering.
Addiction is a disease that manefests itself in behaviors. The common behaviors are lying, hiding, stealing, spending enormous amounts of money on the drug of choice (often money that was meant for bills, mortgage, or food for the family), broken promises, not dependable, emotional absence, physical absence, and the list goes on and on and on.
These behaviors often cause behaviors to develop in the people they are closest to (us) that can be just as obnoxious. Crying, pleading, threatening, cajoling, lying, playing detective, anger, yelling, and again.....the list goes on and on. Sometimes we just pull into a shell of denial and pretend that what is happening....isn't.
The relationship becomes disfunctional.
The rehab my son was in suggested that we use phrases like:
"When you did ________, it made me feel _________." or "When _________happened, I felt ____________."
When I wrote the letter for my son when he was in rehab, I was honest. I also wrote of my love and support of his recovery.
These are just some of my thoughts and experiences. I'm sure others will be along soon to give you some other perspectives. These are only my thoughts and there are so many people here at SR who have been through many years with addicted loved ones.
gentle hugs
ke
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Originally Posted by Kindeyes 
My understanding is that the letters help the addict face the damage their addiction has caused in their relationships and how it has affected those around them.
Although we didn't have those letters where I went through rehab, we did have to do a written first step, and it was read to our peers. Every single one of us were called on our BS if we weren't being honest, and this painful process was so important.
KindEyes gave you an excellent format to follow, stating how you felt when he did _________.
I totally understand the discomfort of airing these feelings when you're just starting to touch on them in counseling.
I'm so glad you found us at SR, and I hope you continue to post! I hope your pregnancy is going well!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Originally Posted by cynical one
These letters are to help the addict acknowledge the wreckage of their past. IMO, they are doing them wayyyyy too early in the recovery process these days.
The rehab I attended was 12 step based, and we had to have the first 7 steps completed before discharge.
For me, it was a good experience, and I'm grateful they pushed us to work those steps.
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