My theory on how I developed a drinking problem
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Join Date: Apr 2011
Posts: 77
My theory on how I developed a drinking problem
Don't care if anyone reads this really, but these are just thoughts I've always had, especially since i quit drinking, about how I let myself get so out of control...and what may have caused me to do so. I've never put my thoughts on paper before, so I thought I'd do that here.
If you do read this PLEASE feel free to share thoughts or similar experiences!!
I was raised into a pretty conservative family, not necessarily very religious, but my parents were always very strict. Sometime along the line, I developed a social anxiety problem. This may stem from insecurities I had as a child such as what I look like and what people think of me, etc. In fourth grade I moved across town and went to a new school which really made things bad. It really amplified the anxiety and the struggle to fit in was basically a struggle to survive. Anyway, to this day I still get nervous when I go see friends for the same reasons.
All throughout high school I never went out or really hung out with anyone that much. I sat in my basement and played Halo 2. It didn't bring on any anxiety therefore I had no worries. Not to mention i worked about 30 hours/week in high school. But I knew if I did go out, I'd be exposed to alcohol and my parents would KILL me if they found out I had a drink, which I never did until my senior year. The second or third time I drink I got caught, and got a ticket.
After that my parents started letting me drink with them. Only a couple beers here and a couple there. Nothing harmful. Certainly not the reaction I though they would have.
Then, senior prom night I almost killed myself from drinking so much. I had no idea what I was doing. I puked in a trash can for about 6 hours, or so I'm told. This should have been a red flag that "Hey, this dude has a problem". I mean, no one else was puking for 6 hours.
So a little later....
Enter: College
I went off to college in the fall of 2006. I was ready to put my past behind me. Meet new people and try new things, which is exactly what I did. Of course alcohol was a huge part of this.
I joined a drinking club, called a fraternity and met dozens of new people. New people to hang out with and get hammered with. The best part is that I could tolerate this now since the alcohol completely eliminated the social anxiety.
I had finally came out of my shell. Being a freshman in college is the most exciting time of my life. No parents, no responsibility, and a ton of people to hang out with. I fit in well. I couldn't believe this is what I had been missing out on.
I guess I started hanging out with the wrong crowd though. People in the frat that weren't really members anymore and who just drink and smoked pot a bunch. It seemed "cool" to do this since "Hey, look at us...we get messed up every day and still pass our classes!!"
I lived that mantra for the next 5 years, and things got way out of control. I first started noticing withdrawals around fall of 2008...eventually went on meds for anxiety from the withdrawal and then things got really bad. Those SSRI's really turn you into a zombie and help you rationalize what you're doing to yourself. I could have killed myself many times...from driving drunk, falling down stairs, falling on concrete, waking up with huge puddles of puke next to my bed. But I kept on keepin' on because "Yeah man!!! I can be a drunk and make grades at the same time!" It was my reputation. Always drinking and always drunk. If I got out of class at 10:30am, I'd start drinking. And I though it was funny, which is sad.
There was a time of desperation where I was basically crying out for help, although at the time I didn't see it that way. Basically I would be inebriated texting people that I have a problem and I need to get sober, but never actually doing so. That went on for several months. And my friends never though much of it since I was still functioning, from what they could tell.
But what they couldn't tell is that I was back to my reclusive habit of sitting by myself playing video games, except now I sat by myself and slammed Natty Light...often times staring at the wall since I had no money for cable (spent it all on beer). The very thing that busted me out of my shell, tossed me straight back in and was laughing at me as I fell into a black hole. Much of this had to do with the withdrawal anxiety, which was unbelievably bad.
Eventually I did get sober and got off meds...family and friends are proud etc. But that's for a another thread.
Anyway thanks for reading if you made it this far!! The funny thing is that I don't really regret any of it. I still have the same friends and have their support, and I'm content with who I am and where I am today. It was a life lesson, which cost a ton of money and a ton of misery. But I hope I can serve as an example to my friends and peers. To not go down my path, and to serve as inspiration in case they do.
If you do read this PLEASE feel free to share thoughts or similar experiences!!
I was raised into a pretty conservative family, not necessarily very religious, but my parents were always very strict. Sometime along the line, I developed a social anxiety problem. This may stem from insecurities I had as a child such as what I look like and what people think of me, etc. In fourth grade I moved across town and went to a new school which really made things bad. It really amplified the anxiety and the struggle to fit in was basically a struggle to survive. Anyway, to this day I still get nervous when I go see friends for the same reasons.
All throughout high school I never went out or really hung out with anyone that much. I sat in my basement and played Halo 2. It didn't bring on any anxiety therefore I had no worries. Not to mention i worked about 30 hours/week in high school. But I knew if I did go out, I'd be exposed to alcohol and my parents would KILL me if they found out I had a drink, which I never did until my senior year. The second or third time I drink I got caught, and got a ticket.
After that my parents started letting me drink with them. Only a couple beers here and a couple there. Nothing harmful. Certainly not the reaction I though they would have.
Then, senior prom night I almost killed myself from drinking so much. I had no idea what I was doing. I puked in a trash can for about 6 hours, or so I'm told. This should have been a red flag that "Hey, this dude has a problem". I mean, no one else was puking for 6 hours.
So a little later....
Enter: College
I went off to college in the fall of 2006. I was ready to put my past behind me. Meet new people and try new things, which is exactly what I did. Of course alcohol was a huge part of this.
I joined a drinking club, called a fraternity and met dozens of new people. New people to hang out with and get hammered with. The best part is that I could tolerate this now since the alcohol completely eliminated the social anxiety.
I had finally came out of my shell. Being a freshman in college is the most exciting time of my life. No parents, no responsibility, and a ton of people to hang out with. I fit in well. I couldn't believe this is what I had been missing out on.
I guess I started hanging out with the wrong crowd though. People in the frat that weren't really members anymore and who just drink and smoked pot a bunch. It seemed "cool" to do this since "Hey, look at us...we get messed up every day and still pass our classes!!"
I lived that mantra for the next 5 years, and things got way out of control. I first started noticing withdrawals around fall of 2008...eventually went on meds for anxiety from the withdrawal and then things got really bad. Those SSRI's really turn you into a zombie and help you rationalize what you're doing to yourself. I could have killed myself many times...from driving drunk, falling down stairs, falling on concrete, waking up with huge puddles of puke next to my bed. But I kept on keepin' on because "Yeah man!!! I can be a drunk and make grades at the same time!" It was my reputation. Always drinking and always drunk. If I got out of class at 10:30am, I'd start drinking. And I though it was funny, which is sad.
There was a time of desperation where I was basically crying out for help, although at the time I didn't see it that way. Basically I would be inebriated texting people that I have a problem and I need to get sober, but never actually doing so. That went on for several months. And my friends never though much of it since I was still functioning, from what they could tell.
But what they couldn't tell is that I was back to my reclusive habit of sitting by myself playing video games, except now I sat by myself and slammed Natty Light...often times staring at the wall since I had no money for cable (spent it all on beer). The very thing that busted me out of my shell, tossed me straight back in and was laughing at me as I fell into a black hole. Much of this had to do with the withdrawal anxiety, which was unbelievably bad.
Eventually I did get sober and got off meds...family and friends are proud etc. But that's for a another thread.
Anyway thanks for reading if you made it this far!! The funny thing is that I don't really regret any of it. I still have the same friends and have their support, and I'm content with who I am and where I am today. It was a life lesson, which cost a ton of money and a ton of misery. But I hope I can serve as an example to my friends and peers. To not go down my path, and to serve as inspiration in case they do.
Came to Believe
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Montgomery AL
Posts: 507
Thank you for your story. The part that I could really relate to is that alcohol "loosened" me up enough to be around people, and then alcohol made it okay for me to be a recluse. I used to take a perverse pride in how much I could drink, and that I could start at six in the morning and go until midnight. In outpatient treatment, one of the counselors said that most "social drinkers" pass out when their BAC is between .13 and .15, and I know for a fact that most days I'd be walking around (or driving around) at .3 or above, "fully functional". Sad, that. Thanks again for your post.
--Fenris.
--Fenris.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 426
I used to convince myself that having 4 drinks and getting in the car was okay. Towards the end, having that amount just made me feel 'normal' again, so i figured I wasn't affected. What a dangerous game we play. NO amount is acceptable to drive(IMO) regardless what the law is.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: Washington
Posts: 456
Thanks, R.
I can certainly relate to the social anxiety when really young. And your high school experience - very similar to mine. I never felt like I fit in anywhere either. My solitary activity was riding bike - about 500 miles a week. It made me feel good and I could do it alone.
Funny - bikes, video games, booze - made us feel good and we could do it alone.
I can certainly relate to the social anxiety when really young. And your high school experience - very similar to mine. I never felt like I fit in anywhere either. My solitary activity was riding bike - about 500 miles a week. It made me feel good and I could do it alone.
Funny - bikes, video games, booze - made us feel good and we could do it alone.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 587
I can so relate. When I started going out with friends the only thing that made sense to me was plastering me. This way when I drunk I could be all funny, lost all my hesitations and loosen up. It made myself look and feel sexy and I felt desired. Unfortunately it also made me gain weight. Since I stopped I lost 70 pounds. Still want to loose 20 but hey look at this 70 pounds just from drinking alcohol while eating junk food. You are what you eat and drink!
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