My Intro.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Western USA
Posts: 46
My Intro.
One can't imagine how i feel at finding out that after 22 years of serious drinking, now that i want to stop drinking i can't. At least for the time being.
Now that's irony!
Tommorrow i go to the HR department at work and share what i've been telling a few coworkers these last few days. I'm an alcoholic who wants to quit, but if i just put the bottle down i might die. They have some kind of thing going but knowing how skinflint the company is, a nickel and dime solution is obviously awaiting me. Funny considering the job sends more than a few of us in my department running towards a drink as soon as we can clock out.
In the past ten years i can't remember being voluntarily sober more than three days in a row. Only when i was in jail or was broke as hell and homeless to boot, would i not be drinking. And believe me, i did some serious partying on skid row. I knew a lot of people and someone always had some hustle going and would treat for a few pitchers. A few times bartenders gave me free drinks since i was a peaceful, regular kind of guy to have in the bar and helped them bounce rowdy drunks, deadbeats and all around idiots.
Well, i drank some beer when i was 16-17 but cut it out completely until just past 21. Then it was game on! The first three years or so was fun and games but after that, i realize now that something had changed. Sure, if i missed a few days it wasn't a big deal but any chance i got, i picked up at least a few 40s of malt liquor and had at it. Then it got to drinking at least two 40s of malt liquor along with a bottle of whiskey every day after work. By the late 90s it got to the point that after rent, i would be living on beer and top ramen. If i was flat broke i'd check under my sofa, dresser drawers, discarded clothing, etc to find enough change to at buy the cheapest beer i could find on sale. Eventually, it got that if i didn't have any drinks the night before, i was in one evil mood at work the next day.
And that's how it is to this day.
Being involved with music certainly didn't help. The underground punk and metal scenes are awash in alcohol and drugs. In NYC years ago, there were stores right across the street from the place where bands gigged in the Lower East Side that would sell alcohol to 12 year olds! It wasn't unusual to see 12-15 year old kids slamming down 40s! It was an unreal scene and so much fun at the time at those shows. Only recently have i've been reevaluating the effect on the kids back then. I know i'm guilty as hell. In my local scene, i would readily buy booze for my younger bandmates and our friends. It tells you something that i was the grand old man of the local bands and i was only like 22-23! Virtually everyone else was still in high school.
Add massive amounts of weed smoked as well since a couple of close friends of mine were also top dealers in our town and sometimes used my place as as stash house.
Everyone i knew was drinking and smoking like it was going out of style. To go to a show and find someone 100% sober was almost impossible and that's how it is to this day to a certain extent. Some genres are so technically demanding that it's impossible to play inebriated and pull it off, but there's plenty of alcohol at the gigs none the less. Between being in and working for a number of bands, lord knows how much i drank and how little i actually paid money for it over the years.
Now here i am now and i'm paying for it all in a way i never imagined.
Recently, i started listing exactly why i was drinking and it all comes to to social anxiety and dissatisfaction with life. As it stands, i'm a failure and a loser. I always have been. As the saying goes, i was born to lose but live to win. However, the losses have been glaringly apparent while the wins have been miniscule and insignificant in the larger scheme of things. As a result i've been dealing with a suicidal mindset since i was 17. At one time it was an all ecompassing fog and had me fully in it's clutches but in the past 2 years or so i've been freed of the worst of the mire. Not that i'm fully "cured". Every once in a while a desire to just jump out from a high window at my job seems to come over me and i've actually have mentioned my alcoholic state to others in positive terms since i know it'll kill me sooner or later if i don't quit.
I despise who i am and what i am.
I know who and what i want to be and am fairly confident that i can at least acheive part of what i aspire to. My goals are high but doable as i've seen so many others make it that i know i can also. The most serious opposition is what i see in the mirror. Mentally and physically, i must slay the inferior self and be reborn as one who deserves to step forth and conquer.
Perhaps a month or so is what i have to wait and plan. I know without a doubt that i'll have to wait until things slow down in September at work before i'll be able to detox. Until then it's the usual twelve pack + a day after work with a few cases during the weekend along with tequila and/or whiskey.
Now that's irony!
Tommorrow i go to the HR department at work and share what i've been telling a few coworkers these last few days. I'm an alcoholic who wants to quit, but if i just put the bottle down i might die. They have some kind of thing going but knowing how skinflint the company is, a nickel and dime solution is obviously awaiting me. Funny considering the job sends more than a few of us in my department running towards a drink as soon as we can clock out.
In the past ten years i can't remember being voluntarily sober more than three days in a row. Only when i was in jail or was broke as hell and homeless to boot, would i not be drinking. And believe me, i did some serious partying on skid row. I knew a lot of people and someone always had some hustle going and would treat for a few pitchers. A few times bartenders gave me free drinks since i was a peaceful, regular kind of guy to have in the bar and helped them bounce rowdy drunks, deadbeats and all around idiots.
Well, i drank some beer when i was 16-17 but cut it out completely until just past 21. Then it was game on! The first three years or so was fun and games but after that, i realize now that something had changed. Sure, if i missed a few days it wasn't a big deal but any chance i got, i picked up at least a few 40s of malt liquor and had at it. Then it got to drinking at least two 40s of malt liquor along with a bottle of whiskey every day after work. By the late 90s it got to the point that after rent, i would be living on beer and top ramen. If i was flat broke i'd check under my sofa, dresser drawers, discarded clothing, etc to find enough change to at buy the cheapest beer i could find on sale. Eventually, it got that if i didn't have any drinks the night before, i was in one evil mood at work the next day.
And that's how it is to this day.
Being involved with music certainly didn't help. The underground punk and metal scenes are awash in alcohol and drugs. In NYC years ago, there were stores right across the street from the place where bands gigged in the Lower East Side that would sell alcohol to 12 year olds! It wasn't unusual to see 12-15 year old kids slamming down 40s! It was an unreal scene and so much fun at the time at those shows. Only recently have i've been reevaluating the effect on the kids back then. I know i'm guilty as hell. In my local scene, i would readily buy booze for my younger bandmates and our friends. It tells you something that i was the grand old man of the local bands and i was only like 22-23! Virtually everyone else was still in high school.
Add massive amounts of weed smoked as well since a couple of close friends of mine were also top dealers in our town and sometimes used my place as as stash house.
Everyone i knew was drinking and smoking like it was going out of style. To go to a show and find someone 100% sober was almost impossible and that's how it is to this day to a certain extent. Some genres are so technically demanding that it's impossible to play inebriated and pull it off, but there's plenty of alcohol at the gigs none the less. Between being in and working for a number of bands, lord knows how much i drank and how little i actually paid money for it over the years.
Now here i am now and i'm paying for it all in a way i never imagined.
Recently, i started listing exactly why i was drinking and it all comes to to social anxiety and dissatisfaction with life. As it stands, i'm a failure and a loser. I always have been. As the saying goes, i was born to lose but live to win. However, the losses have been glaringly apparent while the wins have been miniscule and insignificant in the larger scheme of things. As a result i've been dealing with a suicidal mindset since i was 17. At one time it was an all ecompassing fog and had me fully in it's clutches but in the past 2 years or so i've been freed of the worst of the mire. Not that i'm fully "cured". Every once in a while a desire to just jump out from a high window at my job seems to come over me and i've actually have mentioned my alcoholic state to others in positive terms since i know it'll kill me sooner or later if i don't quit.
I despise who i am and what i am.
I know who and what i want to be and am fairly confident that i can at least acheive part of what i aspire to. My goals are high but doable as i've seen so many others make it that i know i can also. The most serious opposition is what i see in the mirror. Mentally and physically, i must slay the inferior self and be reborn as one who deserves to step forth and conquer.
Perhaps a month or so is what i have to wait and plan. I know without a doubt that i'll have to wait until things slow down in September at work before i'll be able to detox. Until then it's the usual twelve pack + a day after work with a few cases during the weekend along with tequila and/or whiskey.
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,442
Welcome and hi again BorntoBuild 
I know jobs are important - but don't you think recovery might be more important?
Busy time or not, consider yourself first here, man - Septembers a long way off....
a lot of quit dates passed me by in 20 years y'know?
D
I know jobs are important - but don't you think recovery might be more important?
Busy time or not, consider yourself first here, man - Septembers a long way off....
a lot of quit dates passed me by in 20 years y'know?
D
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Western USA
Posts: 46
Hey Dee!
I know exactly how things are at work.
I'm going to be laying some heavy things on them tomorrow but as sure as the sun rises in the east, they will find someway to screw me over considering we are in the busy season and i have a crucial (but rather menial) job in our department.
For as long as i've been at it i think i can wait a bit. Gives me more time to actually work out a proper plan of attack. Granted, what i've found out about detox has got me pretty nervous. In all seriousness, i'm actually thinking of preparing a Will of sorts and informing others that if i don't check in with them after x amount of days i didn't make it. I'm almost positive it's going to be an outpatient situation and i'm going to have to lock myself in a room alone and ride it out.
Three things can occur. I endure a week of hell and make it, succumb to my weakness and scramble for alcohol thus confirming my inferior state of being, or i die.
To be brutally honest, if i can't make it i'd rather be dead as it will be apparent that how i am is everything i am ever going to be.
Show me a good loser and i'll show you a loser.
I know exactly how things are at work.
I'm going to be laying some heavy things on them tomorrow but as sure as the sun rises in the east, they will find someway to screw me over considering we are in the busy season and i have a crucial (but rather menial) job in our department.
For as long as i've been at it i think i can wait a bit. Gives me more time to actually work out a proper plan of attack. Granted, what i've found out about detox has got me pretty nervous. In all seriousness, i'm actually thinking of preparing a Will of sorts and informing others that if i don't check in with them after x amount of days i didn't make it. I'm almost positive it's going to be an outpatient situation and i'm going to have to lock myself in a room alone and ride it out.
Three things can occur. I endure a week of hell and make it, succumb to my weakness and scramble for alcohol thus confirming my inferior state of being, or i die.
To be brutally honest, if i can't make it i'd rather be dead as it will be apparent that how i am is everything i am ever going to be.
Show me a good loser and i'll show you a loser.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 426
Originally Posted by BurnToBuild 
In NYC years ago, there were stores right across the street from the place where bands gigged in the Lower East Side that would sell alcohol to 12 year olds! It wasn't unusual to see 12-15 year old kids slamming down 40s!
I can appreciate the complication of work interfering with detox... I would try to persuade you to consider a sooner date, but you seem fixed in your schedule. Whenever you end up doing it, please be careful and consult a doctor - it can be incredibly dangerous. Best of luck to you.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Western USA
Posts: 46
Originally Posted by NobleCause
20 years ago, I was literally one of those 12 year olds pounding 40's of Crazy Horse in the LES. None of the bodegas carded or batted at an eye at the middle school set in those days. Ah, reckless youth (and where it got me).
I can appreciate the complication of work interfering with detox... I would try to persuade you to consider a sooner date, but you seem fixed in your schedule. Whenever you end up doing it, please be careful and consult a doctor - it can be incredibly dangerous. Best of luck to you.
I can appreciate the complication of work interfering with detox... I would try to persuade you to consider a sooner date, but you seem fixed in your schedule. Whenever you end up doing it, please be careful and consult a doctor - it can be incredibly dangerous. Best of luck to you.
Judging from your avatar i'm taking a wild guess after mentally sorting the faces of the little kids i saw all the time. Mainly the lil' Skins as one was a really hardcore bloke who made me pause in wonder outside a Krays gig one night by chugging down a 40 in record time. Couldn't have been more than 14 at the time.
My apologies if i'm wrong.
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Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 426
Originally Posted by BurnToBuild
I don't want to put the name so it doesn't show up on a search engine. But i damm sure know we both mean the same place. The place on Rivington street, eh? With two bodegas right across the street with a Dominican restaurant at the SE corner of the block and the heroin dealers at the other end?
Judging from your avatar i'm taking a wild guess after mentally sorting the faces of the little kids i saw all the time. Mainly the lil' Skins as one was a really hardcore bloke who made me pause in wonder outside a Krays gig one night by chugging down a 40 in record time. Couldn't have been more than 14 at the time.
My apologies if i'm wrong.
Judging from your avatar i'm taking a wild guess after mentally sorting the faces of the little kids i saw all the time. Mainly the lil' Skins as one was a really hardcore bloke who made me pause in wonder outside a Krays gig one night by chugging down a 40 in record time. Couldn't have been more than 14 at the time.
My apologies if i'm wrong.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Western USA
Posts: 46
Originally Posted by NobleCause
Correct on the first count! LES was quite a different place then. I was shipped to an upstate rehab/juvie type place after a deal gone bust when I was 14 - tho it ultimately didn't keep me clean longer than a couple of years, I think there's a good chance I might not have made it out alive at all had I not been plucked from that scene. Strange blessings.
Those were some classic times but i have some disturbing feelings of guilt every now and then when i think of the youngest members of the scene of those days. What we older guys did was F'ed up to say the least with the booze and drugs. It all did seem like it was just how things were in life but in the end, we failed to provide an alternative to the crap which Straight Edge devolved into. As **** as it might sound, it would have been better to choose your poison at say 17 rather than 12-15 years of age.
A couple of the teens i was friends with eventually ended up trying H a few years later. They were going for it no matter how many times i told them it was a dead end. Soon after, i bowed out and removed myself from the area.
Life and Death goes on
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