twirling

okay, this is difficult for me to do. i've never posted anything online...let alone something so personal but so many of the things i have read on here have hit home. I ended up in tears while reading....because i could feel everyone's fears and pain. both of my parents were addicted to heroin throughout my childhood. they eventually found recovery together, however a relapse took my father's life when i was 19. Now my two brothers are stuck in the same addiction, facing felonies and struggling with getting sober. i'm a single mother but fell in love a year ago. i really feel like i've found someone who understands me but it wasn't until the last few months that i realized he too suffers from addiction issues. he has never been in treatment and is just coming to terms with the fact that he does himself. as is typical of addicts, i have caught him in numerous lies concerning his use lately. he's afraid i will leave him. regardless of these problems he is still one of the most gentle people i know. i know he cares about me and my daughter and there's been a lot of tears and pain the past month as his addiction seems to have spiraled. in the past his use was very sporadic and was difficult to see for what it was, especially because he has chronic pain issues from past injuries and suffers from anxiety. lots of his use was disguised as medication. i love him dearly, but i just don't know where he is really at...i don't know if he's ready to make a change or not. i didn't realize how bad it was until it was apparent he couldn't quit after promises that he would and the knowledge that i may leave him if he were to use again. anyway, he is in rehab right now. he went in after a binge with pills over the weekend, it was voluntarily however i had made him aware that i expected him to get treatment if he wanted to have a life with me and my daughter. he says he is doing it for himself and for me. BUT i guess i question this because i just found out that he found a bottle of pills i had hidden from him and he took a handful (this is after he had already been withdrawing for a couple days) literally minutes before we left to check into rehab. I don't know if the specifics even matter, but I feel like this says something about where his head is and whether he is truly wanting this or not. Is this typical behavior of someone who wants to change? I've been surrounded by addiction my entire life but I think it makes me even more confused about how to handle this! Would just like some opinions please. I really love this guy and he has a good gentle heart but obviously a major problem.

Kindeyes

Welcome to SR......you have found a forum full of people who understand the turmoil involved in loving an addict.

It sounds like you have a lifetime of turmoil. Your man is in treatment right now, right? That's a good thing.....accept it as such. Try not to second guess why he's doing it, if he'll make it, if he means it. Accept that he's there right now and he's in the hands of professionals.

Many of the inpatient treatment centers have great programs for families. With all that you have been through, have you ever checked out Alanon or Naranon? They say (I always wonder who "they" are) that the addict has a better chance of success if the people they are closest too also work a program.

Personally, I find great comfort in the rooms of Naranon and Alanon. I am working the program that I wish my loved one would work. Initially, I did it in hopes that it would get him sober somehow. But now I do it to keep my sanity. My program helps to keep me calm and has taught me that I can find peace whether my loved one continues to use or not.

In answer to your concern about him taking pills right before going into rehab. That's not unusual. Addiction is a disease. Addicts are not bad people trying to get good, they are sick people trying to get well. Only time will tell whether he is committed to recovery.

Again.....welcome to SR.....I hope you find comfort here. I did.

gentle hugs
ke

twirling

Thank you for your response, Kindeyes. Yes, he is in treatment now for his first time. I have not attended any meetings but I've decided to look into them after reading some posts on here. thank you.

I guess the reason I feel like I need to know where he's at is because I'm questioning whether I should stay with him. I've read a lot about how treatment usually doesn't work the first time...but I also realize everyone is in individual...maybe he gets things figured out and we can have the life we want together. But regardless of my love for him, I just can not stick through years and years of him trying to get well, not for my sake but for the sake of my 5 year old daughter who is not his child. Truth is, if it were just me in the picture I wouldn't question whether to stay with him and I'd give it the time it deserves. But when considering her welfare I know I have to make decisions regarding him more quickly. Is it fair to expect him to go through this treatment and never relapse? I told him I'd support him in this....Is relapse apart of recovery somehow? Or is that the redflag that would mean he isn't ready and I should move on.

And another part of me wonders if it is possible to stay with an addict without having it affect my daughter negatively if I keep myself together and am not codependent in my relationship with him? or is walking away truly the best thing for her even though he loves her and treats her well regardless of his addiction. I love this person with all of my heart and if that's the conclusion I come to it will be the hardest thing I have ever done but I need to think about my little one first. Would Alanon meetings help me with this kind of thing?

Thanks again your words they mean a lot right now...I'm sure I sound like a mess, but just like my name suggests my mind is twirling in circles right now.

twirling

who am i kidding i know the answer to my last question. my choice to stay with him if he's not well will most certainly affect my daughter. i think i'm in denial about how bad this situation is sometimes.

LifeRecovery

I understand that twirling feeling.

Your loved one will be in treatment for a little bit I am assuming? One of the things that has helped me with my loved one's addictions was realizing what I had to figure out NOW, and what could wait until LATER. I don't mean being lazy and never working on an item to figure out. More it was about for me that I would make myself crazy obsessively turning over all these decisions that I felt had to be made yesterday, when in reality I had time to make them. The trick for me was learning that I did not have to turn them over and over again until they had to be made.

You are in a great place. Al-anon meetings really helped me. As did individual counselling.

twirling

Thanks for your words. I guess you're right, there is only so much that can be done right now and I'm not in a position to make a choice either way so what's the point in going over it in my head when it's just causing me stress. I think I just need to take extra care of myself and my daughter.

Freedom1990

That's a good start!

Unfortunately there are no guarantees that even if he "gets it" after rehab that he won't relapse. The possibility is always there.

I am coming up on 21 years clean/sober next month, and it takes a lot of hard work and dedication. I've been around the rooms of recovery since 1986, and the success rate for long-term recovery is quite poor.

Continue to take care of yourself and your daughter, and check out those meetings!