LadyM

Today I've been thinking about choices. I seem to have moved emotionally from where I was a month ago and instead of a righteous anger fueling my strength, recently I have been feeling pretty sad. I'm not fighting this and letting nature take it's course - I expect sadness is common and necessary for healing.

So I'm going with it and letting it bring forward to mind thoughts of choices.

I choose to be where I am. I am sad where I am. I am sad that the only choices I seem to have are to remain where I am knowing that he won't change unless he wants to change or leave with my daughter. I am sad because I don't want to do either at the moment. I feel like I don't have the energy. I don't see another option and that makes me sad too.

I have tried reaching out to my inlaws - letting them know of my concern for AH and that I feel his drinking is not in his control. Both times I have been pushed back. It must be immeasurably hard to hear something like that about your child - especially when that child has a grandfather and uncle who are both As and you have raised him knowing about this disease from the time he could understand. Still I was hoping for some help and support. When speaking to FIL about the subject he said well, that's really something for you and (AH) to work out. MIL recognized the symptoms (AH blaming me and everything else, making excuses, hiding it ect.) but believes AH only needs a change in career - he's feeling down and lost without a direction.

If I let my mother in on this, she will just be angry with AH, belittle him to me (which makes me want to defend him - loony peron I am) and not be helpful. I think it would break my father's heart - he would be quietly angry at AH, but sad for me going through this - He already lost his mother this spring, I don't want him to be sad because of my issues.

I am sad and scared right now and that's okay. It's not at all comfortable, but must be necessary. I don't want to pick from my two choices so I feel like I'm in limbo.

A sailor once told me, when in doubt - wait. The wind may shift and everything will right itself. Just don't wait too long. A few breaths pause. Today, I choose to pause for a few breaths and see. Knowing he won't change - knowing, but not wanting to leave. All I see is a big, dark gaping, scary hole of unknown. Do I have any other choices? Does it every become less scary?

Mavis1

I used to hide the fact that my husband was drinking, I missed all sorts of events and parties and holidays because I didn't want to take him and have people really know what was going on. I remember one time saying to my neighbors my husband was on a business trip when he was actually in Billerica drying out for a month. I hated having to have that load on my shoulders, thank God this forum is here for you to talk to us about it. we understand and are not judgemental. I feel for you, my AH just passed away and although I miss the healthy/happy well adjusted sweet man he was before he drank, I don't miss the insanity, the secrets, the lies, the drinking. I wish you all the luck in the world. be strong and take care of YOU. M

gowest

I used to think that I didn't have any (good) choices.

After recovery I realized that was a lie I told myself.
I always have a choice and usually more than one.

I've learned that for me any step in the right direction is a good choice, even if the choice isn't "perfect" and the direction I am headed isn't perfectly linear.

Eddiebuckle

LadyM,

I'm sorry you find yourself at this crossroad. What's interesting is that I can totally identify with the above - from exactly the opposite position. I was the alcoholic, my girlfriend of 17 years had left, and I kept coming back to the same problem that I refused to address. It took me three years to overcome that fear: what would I be without alcohol, could I really quit, am I really an alcoholic with all the negative connotations. Ultimately the pain of staying the way I was became scarier than the prospect of quitting.

It does become less scary, once you accept that there is no other option. And then it is just a choice, a matter of doing what you say because it's the right thing. Whatever pain that occurs as a result is really nothing new, simply brought out into broad daylight instead of being hidden as it has been for so long.

I wish you well.

m1k3

LadyM, ((((hugs))))

I made my choice to leave the day the pain of staying became greater than the pain/fear of leaving.

I do not regret leaving at all. It wasn't easy but it was well worth it. I have found al-anon and SR and I am working my recovery and I am in a better place than I have been for the last 16 years.

Your friend,