bleedblue

I'm new here and although I am sure if I continue reading the posts, I will find something helpful. I felt to help myself I needed to put up my own post and see what people have to say.
I have been with my husband for 4 years today. We have been married since Nov. 2009. In May 2010 we moved to our own place, after living in a basement apartment prior to that.
It wasn't until May 2010 that I started learning about the addiction. We moved into our own place and my husband got really nasty. Always angry and always at me. Whether I was being told that I was mean to his kids or just a bitch for whatever reason....
After ending up in the ER with a panic attach, he went to a general doctor who put him on cymbalta and xanax....which only led to a severe addiction to xanax, on top of whatever he was already taking that I didn't know about. I felt stupid - I thought that maybe he was sick with cancer or something, but turns out that it was the addiction that did what it did. He went to a psychiatrist - she altered the meds, but apparently he still took the painkillers and other drugs. In June 2010 he went spacey and weird on me at a party which in turn made me look like an ass in front of basically everyone I know. he claimed he was just really tired and really hot (there was no a/c).
I figured out later that he had overdosed on the xanax.
In July, when we were supposed to be having a family get together with his family, he overdosed, attacked me (because I wouldn't let him have his keys and take his kids and leave). I was protecting the children.
He landed in the hospital that night.
In September, he pulled the same crap as he did in June, again ruining a major affair.
Afterwards, I thought it was getting better...I guess I am just dumb.
In January 2011, he crashed his car........twice in one day, the second accident landing him in the hospital again. Luckily no one was hurt in the accidents, other then the cars being totalled and no one was ticketed.
sometime in Dec or Jan he took lots of money from our account and wasted it on hard drugs. 2 weeks after the accident that totalled his car....he totalled mine. That night he took so many drugs that he almost died several times in the hospital. The next day he went to rehab.
He only stayed there a few days. Then seemed to be doing really well - like he finally was on the road to recovery.
Until he had a slip up in April - but I caught on to that one right away, and he proceeded to complete an extensive out patient program, where he was drug tested every week.
Now it is just on our own, and I feel like I am constantly looking for signs or reading into things.
Like now he has a cold, and I think that his voice sounds very off. I have tried to tell him that as much as I want to trust him, I don't know how too. I have been lied to so many times, and feel like everything he has every said is an excuse (It's hot, I'm tired, I'm just thirsty.) He is adament about reassuring me that he is NOT using and that he knows it has hurt us. I am adament about wanting him to take a drug test to prove it to me.
I'm scared - I have never been more scared in my life that he is going to go back and do it again. I don't know how to find a way to trust him and don't think that until he stops refusing to take a drug test - I will ever be able to believe him and move on.
I don't know what to do. I am alone in a state where I have no friends, so far from family of any kind.
Advice please?

catlovermi

Actually, you are right to feel scared. Addiction is a monster of a foe, and rarely conquered.

This is not to say there is no hope, however. You can go on to live a wonderful life, regardless what the addict does, if you put the focus on yourself and what you want for your life.

Nar-Anon and Al-Anon are two free, community based support groups that offer support and skills to friends and family of addicts.

Take a tour through the "sticky" post section at the top of the list of topics for this forum; there is a lot of great information there!

There is a lot to assimilate, coming to terms with addiction, so I'll keep this brief, and more folks will be along to share other things.

Sending support,

CLMI

bleedblue

If the test came up positive, I would have to leave. Although it would be the hardest thing I have ever done.

Kindeyes

A question that is often asked is "when is enough....enough". It's when the pain of leaving him is LESS than the pain of staying. For some that may be never but we each get the opportunity to figure that out.

I found help in the rooms of Naranon and Alanon. It was really strange to me at first. I didn't get "it" whatever "it" was but I saw others there who had experienced the trauma that is caused by the addict/alcoholic in their lives and they seemed to get "it". So I kept going......and I'm getting "it". What is "it"? "It" is the ability to find peace whether the addict continues to use or not.

I would highly recommend going to a whole lot of Naranon or Alanon meetings and keep going until you get "it". You cannot control your husband but you do have more control than you may think right now. It's just not control of him and never will be.

You are not alone. We all have addicts in our lives whom we love dearly. If our love could cure them, none of us would need this forum.....or Alanon...or Naranon.

We care. We understand. And we welcome you to our SR family with a warmth that we hope that you will come to understand.

gentle hugs
ke

gowest

Have you thought of going to Alanon?

There is a GREAT Alanon group in NYC.
Perfect for 1rst timers even if he is a pill addict rather than an alcoholic.
Welcoming, friendly, young, old, all ages in between and often funny even in the face of heartbreak.
I highly recommend it.

12:30p Step/Trad
Children Welcome
Work The Program, Not The Problem
St Michael's Episcopal Church Parish House
225 W 99th St
Btwn Broadway & Amsterdam

2:30p Step/Trad
Children Welcome
Work The Program, Not The Problem II
St. Michael's Episcopal Church Parish House
225 W 99th Street
Btwn Broadway & Amsterdam

Eddiebuckle

I second the alanon/naranon suggestions.

The drug test is not going to help you, regardless how it comes out. If it came out negative, what do you do the next time the fear and doubt comes? The minute he is out of your sight he could be using. That is the problem, and no number of drug tests are going to change that.

You do not need a positive test result to leave this man. It does make it easier to explain to the rest of the world, but ultimately if you cannot live with the doubt you do no-one any favors by staying.

enablingwife

I'm going through the exact same thing with my husband and pills. Back and forth, always playing detective, always trying to keep things stress free so he's not too anxious. That sounds crazy huh? I take on the anxiety so HE won't use. The truth is he has relapsed 3 times now in 2 years. And there's always and exuse, always "this is the last time, I can't lost you and our girls". It's all BS. Whatever he can say to keep his "happy little family" and continue to do what he does.
The fact that he won't submit to the test makes is painfully obvious that he is using. If he wasn't he would be GLAD to prove his innocence! That's how I caught him 3 weeks ago was pulling out a drug test. He didn't even TRY to refuse it, he said "I'm not doing oxy's just suboxone"....as if that was better.
I'm sorry you are in this place, but none of this was brought on by you, nor can you fix ANY of it.
I hope you can make the best decisions for YOU.
Big HUGS your way :0)

coffeedrinker

bleedblue,

welcome to sober recovery.

this site literally gave me the wisdom and strength to leave my last addict b/f. and yes, it was the most painful, and most difficult thing i've ever gone through. i truly believe that it will be (save losing a child) until the day i die.

i do not minimize the fear that strikes you when you think "what if?" and "should i leave?" they are scary, scary places to dwell.

it took me a long time to really and truly "get it" -- all the stuff people on here say, and what we learn if we go to meetings and listen.
some people fast track it, though, and they heal much more quickly.

i promise you, if you keep coming here, if you go to al-anon, if you read al-anon or codependent-type literature, and try to hear what is being said, you will get to a different place than you are right now. square deal, solid promise.

please keep coming back

newnormal4me

Now it is just on our own

This statement stood out to me. It is not "our" problem...his sobriety and recovery is his and his alone. I agree with the others that suggested meetings, etc. for you. You need help for yourself, but different, and yours alone.

I am so sorry for where you are. I have been there. But it takes learning what you are really dealing with to be able to make healthy choices. ****{HUGS}}}

devastated

Welcome to our family.

It is so sad that we can love someone so much that we forget who we are and any goals we might have and, instead, give up so much of our own lives to try and save theirs!

Unfortunately, it doesn't work! We cannot do anything to make them give up their drugs. It is entirely up to them. Their time, their plan, their life.

I know how much you love him and always pray that tomorrow will be different; however, it doesn't sound like it's getting better, but worse.

You don't say how old you are, but bet me you have strengths you haven't even begin to "tap" into. Do you have a job? If so, perhaps you can start putting a little away for a rainy day. This way perhaps you can find a place for you to stay. You have to start concentrating on taking care of you, or the addict will pull you right down with him.

Your husband will either get better or he won't but, unfortunately, he will have to do it by himself. You cannot do it for him.

Once you can get away from the chaos, you will begin to think clearer.

Just remember, you cannot help him no matter how much you try, but you can help yourself. There is so much living to do outside of addiction! Go for it!

Hugs and prayers, Devastated

butterflyflight

Welcome, first thing I learned you have to stop playing detective. If your gut speaks, its probably right, no need for proof and never second guess yourself

hello-kitty

Hi. Welcome. Your post touched my heart. Been there and done that.

Trying to "catch" a drug addict by drug testing or whatever means rarely rarely works. They lie. They deny. We lie to ourselves because we don't really want to know the truth. It's all deception and denial. There is no honesty. That is the nature of the disease. You could catch him with a needle in his arm or a crack pipe in his mouth and he would still lie and say he wasn't using drugs.

I learned to focus on behavior. Is the way he is ACTING and TREATING you and his kids acceptable to you? It doesn't sound like it.

Once I started setting and enforcing boundaries surrounding the kind of behavior I would allow in my life (as opposed to trying to control someone elses behavior or drug use) I was able to make the changes necessary within me to find happiness and peace.

Keep reading and posting. It definitely helps.