Jil

I love the fact that I don't regret anything I've done any more because I have made the conscious decision, not alcohol-induced. I also love that I no longer need to ask people what I did or apologize for my actions.

With that said, I often think about being in an altered state of mind, and miss it. No matter how much I occupy myself or how happy I am doing things that I love, I still miss the rush and initial feeling that alcohol gave me. Nothing else has given me that feeling, not even my happiest moment since becoming sober.

I am in this stage of jealousy towards others who are able to experience this, and wish there was some way I could get that 'out-of-my-mind' feeling, without using drugs or alcohol.

Jil

I'm sorry, I meant to put that in newcomers

Adisa1101

jil,
i definitely hear ya!!! i think im in the same state on and off; especially with it being summertime. i walk past people sitting outside and restaurants an envy taht they can do that and i cant. always thinking, that was me at one point, i did that at one point. why cant i do that again just like them? its insanity. our minds can be so draining from the thought that we put into it. ive often wondered myself how to achieve that altered, sometimes wonderful, state of mind without alcohol. maybe it exists in things weve never even known before. i would love to get "out of mind" at most times but like you said, its incredible to remember the things i say and do. without all the regret and shame that comes along with drinking. never worth it.

Dee74

I moved it to Newcomers

I missed it too, for quite a while - not so very surprising I guess when I'd spent nearly every day of the last twenty years altering my reality

But I'd stopped having fun with it - it was no longer something to do because I wanted to... I needed to do it just to feel 'normal'.

There was no rush of excitement left for me I'm afraid - but I still missed it.

As I stayed sober tho, my mind and body healed, and I changed - my perceptions and perspective did too.

I like being sober and 'in my right mind' now - I *really* like it.
It's real.

I wouldn't change the happiness I feel, or risk the joy I've found for anything.

It takes time. Stick with it Jil

D

eJoshua

I hear ya. Like they say in AA, though, play the tape through to the end. Hang in there.

-Josh

smileyblue

Jil I totally agree. Seeing people relaxing in the afternoon having a glass of wine on a sidewalk cafe. How I envy them...but have come to realize that if that was me with a friend, I would be in total inner turmoil. Wanting more, more, more...waiting for them to suggest another glass cause I felt guilty having one alone, or didn't want to suggest it as I felt then they would see me for the alchy I am.

In other words...looking at that lovely setting from the outside in is a completely different view from the inside out. One glass of wine would result in anxiety about how much more I could have, guilt, inner turmoil and warfare, self loathing, binging, hangover...vicious cycle etc etc etc etc et al.

Jil

Thanks Dee

Does anyone else have any insight into this situation?
I'm trying to gather information as to whether or not it is possible to feel this sense of release, without drugs or alcohol. If anyone has had any experience, please share !!

StPeteGrad

I will admit that there are many times I want exactly the same as you are talking about. I'm on new depression medication and finding those times to be fewer and fewer.

Dee74

I can get release from exercise, from laughing (a funny movie or just being with friends or my wife or whatever), from meditation, or by doing something I like to do - hobbies etc...

it's not the same as what you're missing tho...I don't need to escape from my life anymore, so they're additions to my life, not subtracting myself from it....if that makes sense?

edit SPG explained it better below...feeling 'at peace' is better than any high I chased for 20 years.

It's not remotely the same - but it's better

D

StPeteGrad

Since I quit drinking I have had several moment of complete "Clarity." Where I just felt "normal" and it was such an awesome feeling. It isn't a high or anything (like we addicts/alcoholics know it) but it was just VERY nice, VERY calming and reassuring. I'm hoping that in sobriety I can experience that more and more.

Ever since I had that "clarity" experience, the notion of getting artificially high pales in comparison. I took a .5mg xanax a couple weeks ago for sleep (bad idea) and I felt "different" but nothing close to how I know I can feel on my own.

I'm starting to appreciate what others say about yoga and mediation. I don't think it's a natural thing for those of us that are used to pouring "satisfaction" from a bottle to look elsewhere.

I haven't tried either yet but just writing this post makes me want to give it a shot.

Thanks Dee!

BunnyLoves

I ALWAYS feel like this nowadays! Almost 2 weeks sober, feeling good, but the first few days were awful. Alcohol was the absolute ONLY thing that made me feel a way I liked. I also wondered why I couldn't be like all the 'normal' people drinking at restaurants...thing is, they could be alchoholics as well! I drank excellent wine in excellent restaurants, I bet no one would've guessed....

artsoul

hi Jil - I suggest reading The Power of Now (by Eckhart Tolle).

There are ways of achieving consistent bliss through spiritual practice/turning off the mind, but for most of us, it's a slow process that gets us there. (Darn it!) That's because it's difficult for us to let go of our own thinking/ego/fear.

Alcohol does this, to a certain extent, but it also numbs us to the love/beauty around us, which is what we don't want. It's a false sense of well-being because we haven't actually done anything to achieve it. Normally, good feelings come from being connected to ourselves and the world around us; with alcohol we go straight for the feeling instead of the connection.......

I still miss my "easy button" every once in a while, too. But at least with sobriety we know that the moments of happiness are real (as Dee said) - we had something to do with them. (And don't forget all the pain alcohol causes either. It's tempting for our addict brain to use selective memory!

Adisa1101

bunny,
congrats on your two weeks!!! i know it may not seem like a whole lot to you but it is truly a victory. i like the way you put this. how alcohol really does make us we feel accepted; to others and ourselves. this is a very grim battle but being able to post and read what others are going through has been extremely helpful. knowing that there are millions of people out there that feel the same way the we do. congrats again!!!

Anna

Hi Jil,

I'm glad that you are feeling good.

I SO do not want an altered state of mind ever again. I hope that, as days and weeks go by, you will feel that way too. Also, I have found that meditation works really well to help me calm the chatter in my mind and to relax.

least

I used to miss that state of mind too, sometimes still do, but find that just feeling content and happy, really happy, is the best state of mind for me.

instant

You are having feelings about a fantasy. If the reality in full stacked up would you be would here on SR? The reality for me when I was in that situation (blue sky, clinking of glasses, chatter etc etc etc etc etc etc etc etc) I was trapped and my mind was full of torment, that I could not shake (even though I am "high functioning").

I am in my 70th day and I have peace of mind that is priceless. I know from previous attempts at "moderation" that I cannot drink and keep this sense of freedom.

BunnyLoves

Passed by a liquor store on the way to Wal-Mart today. I looked over at it, right inside the window, where row apon row of FULL bottles were waving at me through the window. Completely out of the blue, I went "Yuck", and stuck my tongue out at them like a 2-year old. Then I thought, "WOA! I can't believe I just did that!" The bottles just looked gross, and my Red Bull in the cup holder of my car tasted so dang good. Halleluia!!

DoubtfulDebs

wow that is so true, i've probably been that women out with her friends on a friday night with the shiny glasses of wine looking so cilivised and cool, but by the next morning me for certain plus at least one other of us were waking up feeling absolutely racked with shame and horror, possibly not knowing how we got home and not remebering much past 9 o clock in the evening, and i have to say something maybe unpopular which is that huge numbers of people have drink problems (of the blackouts, impaired working the next day and other serious material consequences) type.
very likely the people we see and envy are among those groups, yet we see them as the 'lucky ones' and imagine they sip their poison in moderation and then go home feeling pleasantly relaxed, in reality they're quite likely as messed up as us and without a way out, and will be waking up covered in vomit with a pounding head.

sorry if that sounds dogmatic, it's just i know so many people whose lives are messed up by booze and yet you'd not know to look at them specially early in the evening when they're sipping their chardonnay (later in the evening when they're throwing up, crying, in an alleyway or in the cab home, is not quite so glamourous.)

debs

Boleo

I to liked to explore altered states of mind. I not only did drugs and alcohol, I tried sensory deprivation and self-mortification as well. All worked well at first but eventually lost their thrill for me. That is why I felt like I was between a rock and a hard place in my final days of drinking.

What gives me elation today is enlightenment, satori, and epifanies. These all can be obtained from the spiritual experiences found in recovery.

Zencat

Happiness was letting go of my DOC and letting go of all those what were where I moved far beyond.

Happy to be not not included in, a once powerless position. Especially having the power of my new life to move free from addiction.