Drinking and grief: a book totally resonated with me...
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Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: California
Posts: 624
Drinking and grief: a book totally resonated with me...
I'm currently reading Caroline Knapp's book, 'Drinking - A Love Story'. If you haven't read it yet, I really suggest you do so. There have been so very many observations in there that have hit home. I've even been discussing it with my husband, and reading aloud paragraphs in there that really have struck a chord - with BOTH of us (he is still actively drinking, whilst I am 90 days sober today).
One paragraph I have just read really, really made sense to me. Her father died from a brain tumor, just like my younger sister. She was writing about the awful, slow death he had and the feelings she had watching that slow demise - it's horrific, traumatic, and I don't think you could ever forget it. It's not something I've talked about very much to anyone, even my husband and best friend, but reading this chapter has really solidified something within me. It was AWFUL, and I drank so much more because it was so awful, and it was the only way I could cry about it. Here's the excerpt that really stood out for me:
"Drinking always helped me cry: that's one thing I still miss about it. After my Dad died, I got the feeling I wasn't supposed to grieve for too long, as though my sympathy quotient was limited to about six weeks by some unwritten rule. People at work would come up to me and say, "How are you feeling?" and after a month or so I'd just nod and say, "Better, I guess." Too much mourning makes people uncomfortable and I could tell from their tone that they wanted to hear some improvement. So all that spring and summer I'd keep the grief tucked away in some small compartment all day, and then at night I'd use the drink as the key to that compartment, a tool I could use to reach down inside and open the door and weep. Or I'd drink to numb those tears: drown the feelings, keep the sadness at bay".
I had been doing that for three years, and now I'm sober, it's time to start grieving properly, with proper, healing tears and recognition of the pain and hurt I've been through, instead of covering it up with alcohol. I know I can do this now, though - feeling strong enough with mind, body and soul to approach it as healing, and not opening old wounds. Phew!
One paragraph I have just read really, really made sense to me. Her father died from a brain tumor, just like my younger sister. She was writing about the awful, slow death he had and the feelings she had watching that slow demise - it's horrific, traumatic, and I don't think you could ever forget it. It's not something I've talked about very much to anyone, even my husband and best friend, but reading this chapter has really solidified something within me. It was AWFUL, and I drank so much more because it was so awful, and it was the only way I could cry about it. Here's the excerpt that really stood out for me:
"Drinking always helped me cry: that's one thing I still miss about it. After my Dad died, I got the feeling I wasn't supposed to grieve for too long, as though my sympathy quotient was limited to about six weeks by some unwritten rule. People at work would come up to me and say, "How are you feeling?" and after a month or so I'd just nod and say, "Better, I guess." Too much mourning makes people uncomfortable and I could tell from their tone that they wanted to hear some improvement. So all that spring and summer I'd keep the grief tucked away in some small compartment all day, and then at night I'd use the drink as the key to that compartment, a tool I could use to reach down inside and open the door and weep. Or I'd drink to numb those tears: drown the feelings, keep the sadness at bay".
I had been doing that for three years, and now I'm sober, it's time to start grieving properly, with proper, healing tears and recognition of the pain and hurt I've been through, instead of covering it up with alcohol. I know I can do this now, though - feeling strong enough with mind, body and soul to approach it as healing, and not opening old wounds. Phew!
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: The Deep South
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That's powerful, Newwings! I can relate. My mom died April 2010 and drinking allowed me to cry a lot the past year. Now that I'm sober, the tears are still coming on occasion... not quite as much, not as hard and dramatic.
Seems that newly sober... my mind may have a harder shell around it
Wonderful that you were able to get so much from that book!
Seems that newly sober... my mind may have a harder shell around it
Wonderful that you were able to get so much from that book!
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