I can't ever trust a man again
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: Aliquippa, Pa
Posts: 26
I can't ever trust a man again
So here I am...it's 2am and the jerk is STILL up screaming and carrying on. He's out of alcohol and I'm hoping that he's having a very painful withdrawl. Anyway..that's why I'm up.
Since I was awake, I began chatting to a friend who is on my facebook. At least I thought he was a friend. I met him at my last job. He's always been a flirt but I never encouraged it. He let me know in no uncertain terms that if I ever get divorced ...well, he'd like a chance to make me happy.
When I told him about my crappy week, he asked if I'd like to come to his house to talk. I said that while it's a really nice offer, I look like crap, I feel like crap and my eye is swelled. His response? Oh well, I guess we'll talk next week when you look better. Huh?
I was dumbfounded...but at least I know how shallow HE is. I also discovered that there's no way in HELL I'm ever going to allow another man in my life. All they want to do is insult and hurt you to make themselves feel better. It's even worse when you get older and you lose your youthful beauty. They can't see past the outside anymore. Why is that? Why can a woman continue to love a man regardless of his looks all the way through death..but a man starts to lose interest when she turns 30?
Ok..I've only had one man in my life and I'm being to over generalistic. Its not fair to the good guys out there I guess. I'm just hurt and I guess I'm venting.
Just ignore the ramblings of this very tired and exhausted wife of an emotional vampire.
Since I was awake, I began chatting to a friend who is on my facebook. At least I thought he was a friend. I met him at my last job. He's always been a flirt but I never encouraged it. He let me know in no uncertain terms that if I ever get divorced ...well, he'd like a chance to make me happy.
When I told him about my crappy week, he asked if I'd like to come to his house to talk. I said that while it's a really nice offer, I look like crap, I feel like crap and my eye is swelled. His response? Oh well, I guess we'll talk next week when you look better. Huh?
I was dumbfounded...but at least I know how shallow HE is. I also discovered that there's no way in HELL I'm ever going to allow another man in my life. All they want to do is insult and hurt you to make themselves feel better. It's even worse when you get older and you lose your youthful beauty. They can't see past the outside anymore. Why is that? Why can a woman continue to love a man regardless of his looks all the way through death..but a man starts to lose interest when she turns 30?
Ok..I've only had one man in my life and I'm being to over generalistic. Its not fair to the good guys out there I guess. I'm just hurt and I guess I'm venting.
Just ignore the ramblings of this very tired and exhausted wife of an emotional vampire.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Wendy,
He may have been trying to kid you. Whatever. If I can make a suggestion, this is NOT the time to hook up with a knight in shining armor. Good guys are out there, and you will learn to trust again. But, as you recognize, your emotions are not in a good place to establish a new relationship.
Work on getting yourself healthy, work on extricating yourself from this relationship (if that's what you want to do), and you will meet someone attracted to the new, healthy you.
Hugs,
He may have been trying to kid you. Whatever. If I can make a suggestion, this is NOT the time to hook up with a knight in shining armor. Good guys are out there, and you will learn to trust again. But, as you recognize, your emotions are not in a good place to establish a new relationship.
Work on getting yourself healthy, work on extricating yourself from this relationship (if that's what you want to do), and you will meet someone attracted to the new, healthy you.
Hugs,
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Memphis, TN
Posts: 2,884
Wendy, as a good guy no offense taken. After separating from my AW I won't say I can't ever trust a woman again but as of this moment I have NO desire for a relationship ever again. Good Lord, I went through all sorts of emotional anguish determining if I wanted to keep one of the cats from our relationship.
BTW, I did but I have established strong boundaries about catnip and late night howling.
Your friend,
BTW, I did but I have established strong boundaries about catnip and late night howling.
Your friend,
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: Tennessee
Posts: 255
Lord knows, I'm the last person who should be giving relationship advice. We men do tend to be a little more shallow when it comes to criteria for choosing a companion. It's not fair, and I can't explain it.
That being said, there are good men out there, and, with luck, you'll get the opportunity to meet one some day. In the meantime, perhaps you will find some peace without a man in your life.
You deserve to be happy.
That being said, there are good men out there, and, with luck, you'll get the opportunity to meet one some day. In the meantime, perhaps you will find some peace without a man in your life.
You deserve to be happy.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: Aliquippa, Pa
Posts: 26
Originally Posted by LexieCat 
Wendy,
He may have been trying to kid you. Whatever. If I can make a suggestion, this is NOT the time to hook up with a knight in shining armor. Good guys are out there, and you will learn to trust again. But, as you recognize, your emotions are not in a good place to establish a new relationship.
Work on getting yourself healthy, work on extricating yourself from this relationship (if that's what you want to do), and you will meet someone attracted to the new, healthy you.
Hugs,
He may have been trying to kid you. Whatever. If I can make a suggestion, this is NOT the time to hook up with a knight in shining armor. Good guys are out there, and you will learn to trust again. But, as you recognize, your emotions are not in a good place to establish a new relationship.
Work on getting yourself healthy, work on extricating yourself from this relationship (if that's what you want to do), and you will meet someone attracted to the new, healthy you.
Hugs,
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Originally Posted by Wendy1967
Just ignore the ramblings of this very tired and exhausted wife of an emotional vampire.
Today, I know I deserve better, and I won't settle for less.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Northeast USA
Posts: 213
One of the things my al-anon sponsor told me is that you get yourself healthy, learn how to build healthy relationships in al-anon (and set boundaries with the not-so-healthy people in your life) and THEN you can start looking for new relationships, whether they are platonic or romantic. It definitely makes sense.
I do think there are good people out there, you just have to get yourself healthy and happy first.
I do think there are good people out there, you just have to get yourself healthy and happy first.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
Wendy I think it is natural to be in that place (not trusting me or others in general) right now. As you continue to walk towards recovery, emotional safety, and a safe environment, you will feel less vulnerable because you'll be strong in yourself and you'll have created your own safe place.
It is also OK to not have a relationship or even want one. I don't have one and have no desire for one right now.
I'm a cat person. My arm chair theory - people with co-dependent behaviors are cat people. Cats are all about us trying every which way to win them over - while they basically come and go and do as they please. They will demand treats from time to time and then blow us off and not need us for much. They do have their moments when they adore and love us and we feel worthy and soak it up like we won the lottery, lol.
My xah was a dog person. He wanted that animal that would do exactly as he said, when he said it, that followed him around and adored him just for existing - no matter how good or bad he actually treated the dog.
LOL - don't take that to seriously SR Peeps. I'm just being silly and that matches up to my relationship to well!
It is also OK to not have a relationship or even want one. I don't have one and have no desire for one right now.
Originally Posted by m1k3
Good Lord, I went through all sorts of emotional anguish determining if I wanted to keep one of the cats from our relationship.
BTW, I did but I have established strong boundaries about catnip and late night howling.
BTW, I did but I have established strong boundaries about catnip and late night howling.
My xah was a dog person. He wanted that animal that would do exactly as he said, when he said it, that followed him around and adored him just for existing - no matter how good or bad he actually treated the dog.
LOL - don't take that to seriously SR Peeps. I'm just being silly and that matches up to my relationship to well!
Guest
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,049
Just another view Wendy. You did mention that you looked like crap, which may have insinuated that you weren't fit to be in the company of a man.
His comment may simply have been an acknowledgement to you not feeling up to meeting with him physically and emotionally. Do you have a girlfriend instead to talk to? You are likely vulnerable right now and understandably so.
His comment may simply have been an acknowledgement to you not feeling up to meeting with him physically and emotionally. Do you have a girlfriend instead to talk to? You are likely vulnerable right now and understandably so.
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Upstate NY
Posts: 1,637
I have found that reaching out to my Al-anon friends has been the best support/gift I could give myself. I love my other girlfriends/guyfriends a ton - but none of them really understand what I am going through, and what I'm trying to accomplish with my recovery. When I reach out to them, the help/support they give tends to confuse me and muddy the waters, so to speak!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 696
Emotional Vampire.....LOL - Thanks for the good laugh today!
I have those days too, those are the days, I grab my shovel and plant
beautiful flowers, sweat in the hot sun, exhaust myself, take a relaxing
bath & go to bed early.....
I have those days too, those are the days, I grab my shovel and plant
beautiful flowers, sweat in the hot sun, exhaust myself, take a relaxing
bath & go to bed early.....
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Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
I wouldn't interpret his words as "you have to be pretty to be with me" -- I would interpret them as an acknowledgement of the sentiment in what you said, which was "I don't want to come over to your house tonight." If he had insisted that you come even though you looked like crap, you might have felt like he was trying to push you. So it's not easy being a guy either. I hear.
The damage an alcoholic relationship does to your ability to trust can be significant. I'm experiencing it. I'm with a good man, but I'm still sort of waiting for the monster in him to appear, subconsciously. I'm waiting for him to start yelling at me or telling me what I can and can't do, wear, say, and eat. Which is so far from his nature. It's infuriating that I still sort of fear that he's going to morph into Mean Man. But one day at a time, with patience, I learn to trust him. Rebuilding your ability to trust is a slow process, but remember, you didn't get to where you are in a day either.
The damage an alcoholic relationship does to your ability to trust can be significant. I'm experiencing it. I'm with a good man, but I'm still sort of waiting for the monster in him to appear, subconsciously. I'm waiting for him to start yelling at me or telling me what I can and can't do, wear, say, and eat. Which is so far from his nature. It's infuriating that I still sort of fear that he's going to morph into Mean Man. But one day at a time, with patience, I learn to trust him. Rebuilding your ability to trust is a slow process, but remember, you didn't get to where you are in a day either.
Trudging that road.
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Seattle Wa
Posts: 6,840
DaDada Mean Man I just got this image of some guy wearing a cape and flying into the room lol
I urge you to be good to yourself while you are going through this rather difficult period in your life.
Its OK to be where you are at and not trusting is probably a good thing for right now as it may keep you from japing into another one.
When it becomes destructive not trusting a man is when you have been out of a relationship for 10+ years and the thought of getting into one makes you want to hurl.
Glad you have SR to vent as it has helped me on so many different levels
I don't know where you are spiritually but, I know I start my day off with knowing no matter what I am not alone there is a HP that loves me and only wants the best for me
I urge you to be good to yourself while you are going through this rather difficult period in your life.
Its OK to be where you are at and not trusting is probably a good thing for right now as it may keep you from japing into another one.
When it becomes destructive not trusting a man is when you have been out of a relationship for 10+ years and the thought of getting into one makes you want to hurl.
Glad you have SR to vent as it has helped me on so many different levels
I don't know where you are spiritually but, I know I start my day off with knowing no matter what I am not alone there is a HP that loves me and only wants the best for me
Present
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: "Happy Rock" (Gladstone) Oregon
Posts: 1,252
I'd be a cat AND dog person if I had a yard and enough money to take more animals for regular vet visits and care. I adore our four-legged friends.
Wendy, I hear you and understand how you feel. I've had a front-row seat to that movie. What I've learned is that a man who waits in the wings while I'm in a committed relationship, usually has a few other committed women for whom he's also waiting. It's safer that way; he's not the man who has to commit. Doesn't that sound like a committable offense??
<snort gurgle giggle>Yeah, it usually makes sense to take some time between getting away from one and getting into another. Making some deep, serious changes so you don't get a repeat telecast or an even worse horror show.
A therapist once explained to me that men are very visual. He said that is enough for the initial attraction, but for a long-term relationship, for any serious involvement, there will have to be a lot more, and when it comes to the long term, a man can change his mind on what he considers to be attractive.
So the under-30 looks thing about which you talk may be enough to bait the fish's interest, so to speak, but there would have to be a lot more in order to get the fish to bite AND stay on the hook
(Some fish just steal the bait...)
Member
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Illinois
Posts: 36
After I divorced my EXAH, I was scared that I wouldn't find happiness. Even though, I hadn't been happy in a long time. Then last week, I met someone when I wasn't even looking. He is kind and considerate, and rarely drinks. We go on walks, talk alot, and have swam with the kids. He compliments me and makes me feel good about myself. He is even ten years younger than me=) I don't know if it will turn out to be anything serious, for right now I'm enjoying the moment and the companionship. You can find happinness again, you might just have to wait until it finds you.
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Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: MASSACHUSETTS
Posts: 441
Oh no I am a dog person but I will take being a dog, cat, fish person over being with an A person any day!
Don't worry about future relationships (keep it in the day) and trusting right now. It is probably too soon anyways. There are great guys in this world of ours! We are just scarred by our A's and will need time to heal and therefore trust again.
I am sure when the time is right and you have healed from all the craziness that living with an A brings to your life, you will find someone just right for you.
Don't worry about future relationships (keep it in the day) and trusting right now. It is probably too soon anyways. There are great guys in this world of ours! We are just scarred by our A's and will need time to heal and therefore trust again.
I am sure when the time is right and you have healed from all the craziness that living with an A brings to your life, you will find someone just right for you.
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Of course there are wonderful men! spiritual, healthy, deep, knowledgeable, traveled, artistic, responsible, funny, etc.
In a radio station I heard "if a man has a partner and it is not BAD, then it's good. if a woman has a partner and its not GOOD, then its bad"
I don't like shallow people and love to be around interesting ones that actually RESPECT women.
Its one of my therapy homeworks, to hang around with healthier men (and women, too) !
In a radio station I heard "if a man has a partner and it is not BAD, then it's good. if a woman has a partner and its not GOOD, then its bad"
I don't like shallow people and love to be around interesting ones that actually RESPECT women.
Its one of my therapy homeworks, to hang around with healthier men (and women, too) !
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Northeast USA
Posts: 213
Originally Posted by Thumper
I'm a cat person. My arm chair theory - people with co-dependent behaviors are cat people. Cats are all about us trying every which way to win them over - while they basically come and go and do as they please. They will demand treats from time to time and then blow us off and not need us for much. They do have their moments when they adore and love us and we feel worthy and soak it up like we won the lottery, lol.
My xah was a dog person. He wanted that animal that would do exactly as he said, when he said it, that followed him around and adored him just for existing - no matter how good or bad he actually treated the dog.
LOL - don't take that to seriously SR Peeps. I'm just being silly and that matches up to my relationship to well!
My xah was a dog person. He wanted that animal that would do exactly as he said, when he said it, that followed him around and adored him just for existing - no matter how good or bad he actually treated the dog.
LOL - don't take that to seriously SR Peeps. I'm just being silly and that matches up to my relationship to well!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Long Branch, NJ
Posts: 253
Originally Posted by Thumper
Wendy I think it is natural to be in that place (not trusting me or others in general) right now. As you continue to walk towards recovery, emotional safety, and a safe environment, you will feel less vulnerable because you'll be strong in yourself and you'll have created your own safe place.
It is also OK to not have a relationship or even want one. I don't have one and have no desire for one right now.
I'm a cat person. My arm chair theory - people with co-dependent behaviors are cat people. Cats are all about us trying every which way to win them over - while they basically come and go and do as they please. They will demand treats from time to time and then blow us off and not need us for much. They do have their moments when they adore and love us and we feel worthy and soak it up like we won the lottery, lol.
My xah was a dog person. He wanted that animal that would do exactly as he said, when he said it, that followed him around and adored him just for existing - no matter how good or bad he actually treated the dog.
LOL - don't take that to seriously SR Peeps. I'm just being silly and that matches up to my relationship to well!
It is also OK to not have a relationship or even want one. I don't have one and have no desire for one right now.
I'm a cat person. My arm chair theory - people with co-dependent behaviors are cat people. Cats are all about us trying every which way to win them over - while they basically come and go and do as they please. They will demand treats from time to time and then blow us off and not need us for much. They do have their moments when they adore and love us and we feel worthy and soak it up like we won the lottery, lol.
My xah was a dog person. He wanted that animal that would do exactly as he said, when he said it, that followed him around and adored him just for existing - no matter how good or bad he actually treated the dog.
LOL - don't take that to seriously SR Peeps. I'm just being silly and that matches up to my relationship to well!
They're still better company than the ex-husband.
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