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Does this happen?
So the RABF is ending his treatment (longterm). He is nervous (but not against) of resuming things and is asking for room to adjust to his new life.
At the same time he says he cares alot, feels very attached to me and wants to take things one day at a time.
Is this par for the course when someone leaves rehab?
So I have been respecting his wishes and staying as distant as I can. We both admitted it is hard to stay distant. He said it was hard for him too. And he understands how difficult this has been for me.
I miss him. Thought that when the rehab doors opened that he would be so ecstatic to talk to me. Instead he is scared to
Any experienced wisdom on this?
I don't want him out of my life and I have been doing very well all these months but am a bit heartbroken that we were once so very close and now he is asking for room but making it sound like it is 'for now' and not forever.
I'm just a bit confused
So the RABF is ending his treatment (longterm). He is nervous (but not against) of resuming things and is asking for room to adjust to his new life.
At the same time he says he cares alot, feels very attached to me and wants to take things one day at a time.
Is this par for the course when someone leaves rehab?
So I have been respecting his wishes and staying as distant as I can. We both admitted it is hard to stay distant. He said it was hard for him too. And he understands how difficult this has been for me.
I miss him. Thought that when the rehab doors opened that he would be so ecstatic to talk to me. Instead he is scared to
Any experienced wisdom on this?
I don't want him out of my life and I have been doing very well all these months but am a bit heartbroken that we were once so very close and now he is asking for room but making it sound like it is 'for now' and not forever.
I'm just a bit confused
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Yeah, I think it's pretty much par for the course. I'm sure he IS scared, nervous, worried, about his sobriety, about you, about readjusting after rehab. I think it's fantastic he stuck it out the whole time. Really. A LOT of people check themselves out way before they are ready.
Give it some time. I know you feel like all you've GIVEN is time, but that was because of the forced separation.
He will be different--some of it you may like a lot, some of it you may find hard to figure out, some of it you may dislike. You both have a lot of adjusting to do. The whole dynamic of the relationship has changed a bit.
Try as much as you can to let go of your expectations of how the relationship "should" look and work on getting to know each other in new ways.
Hugs,
Give it some time. I know you feel like all you've GIVEN is time, but that was because of the forced separation.
He will be different--some of it you may like a lot, some of it you may find hard to figure out, some of it you may dislike. You both have a lot of adjusting to do. The whole dynamic of the relationship has changed a bit.
Try as much as you can to let go of your expectations of how the relationship "should" look and work on getting to know each other in new ways.
Hugs,
.
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I did know him sober mostly so that is good. I suspect he will go back to being that person who I knew sober which is a very kind and sweet guy. The intensity of the program may have changed him some though. How could it not if the goal is to change his thinking and view of alcohol.
I am proud of him for sticking this out and feel bad for complaining. But I am confused and am not sure if he is pushing me away or just wanting space. He said he wanted space until things were sorted out. His sponsor and therapist told him to 'cool' things until further notice'. That sounds hopeful right?
How long would that take though? Not that there is a time frame. If someone else came along who I could see/date I probably would as he sorts out his life. But he is the one I think about and feel close to.
I am proud of him for sticking this out and feel bad for complaining. But I am confused and am not sure if he is pushing me away or just wanting space. He said he wanted space until things were sorted out. His sponsor and therapist told him to 'cool' things until further notice'. That sounds hopeful right?
How long would that take though? Not that there is a time frame. If someone else came along who I could see/date I probably would as he sorts out his life. But he is the one I think about and feel close to.
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And Lexie's point about getting rid of my 'should's and expectations are what I'm going to remind myself to do.
Trying not to take this personally because we were very close before he went in. Now he has to stay distant I just hope that distance gradually eases up as he feels more in control.
Do I say hi? Talk to him? Or just leave him alone? I want him to know that I am supportive of his need for room and that I am not disappearing because of it. It isn't NC but maybe the same rules apply? I probably should just wait until he intiates contact I s'pose.
Trying not to take this personally because we were very close before he went in. Now he has to stay distant
I just hope that distance gradually eases up as he feels more in control.Do I say hi? Talk to him? Or just leave him alone? I want him to know that I am supportive of his need for room and that I am not disappearing because of it. It isn't NC but maybe the same rules apply? I probably should just wait until he intiates contact I s'pose.
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Okay. He has 'learned' about all these 'tools' he can use in the 'real world' and now he has to learn how to actually use them.
That is why Sober Living Facilities, or Halfway Houses, or Recovery Home for Addicted Men or women have come to be.
This allows them more 'freedom' than an inpatient rehab but they still have rules and regulations and they 'earn' privileges as they improve. They live with other sober folks who have also learned the tools and are now learning how to use those tools in the real world.
Not only do they do ALL the cooking, but ALL the cleaning and laundry, and yard work, etc They have a set number of meetings to attend each week and with many of the 'homes' a 'sponsor' is also a requirement. Slowly they earn more freedom so that they can have more 'social' time, and then 'overnights' and then weekends.
This will also give you the time you need to continue to work on your recovery, working the program you would like to see him work.
This is very REAL and he MUST devote a lot of time to his recovery, until he feels comfortable in the real world. Even then, there will still lots of time spent in meetings and probably with his sponsor one on one. You are still going to feel
ignored
left out
'he doesn't love me'
etc
etc
etc
That is why working on yourself and building your OWN LIFE is so important, that way the time you do spend together will mean more. And as time goes on, and if he stays clean and sober, your 'together time' will probably increase.
Lexie said some really great stuff. Please read it again and again.
Put your expectations at the back of the closet and shut the closet door. This is truly going to be a "One Day At A Time" new adventure for both of you.
Actually it sounds like he was being extremely honest with. He doesn't know what the future holds. Heck he doesn't even really know himself yet or who he really is.
Now is the time for you to turn to AlAnon or private counseling with a therapist/counselor that specializes in addiction, for you.
J M H O
Love and hugs,
ps: time to take the 'focus' off of HIM and put it back on YOU.
That is why Sober Living Facilities, or Halfway Houses, or Recovery Home for Addicted Men or women have come to be.
This allows them more 'freedom' than an inpatient rehab but they still have rules and regulations and they 'earn' privileges as they improve. They live with other sober folks who have also learned the tools and are now learning how to use those tools in the real world.
Not only do they do ALL the cooking, but ALL the cleaning and laundry, and yard work, etc They have a set number of meetings to attend each week and with many of the 'homes' a 'sponsor' is also a requirement. Slowly they earn more freedom so that they can have more 'social' time, and then 'overnights' and then weekends.
This will also give you the time you need to continue to work on your recovery, working the program you would like to see him work.
This is very REAL and he MUST devote a lot of time to his recovery, until he feels comfortable in the real world. Even then, there will still lots of time spent in meetings and probably with his sponsor one on one. You are still going to feel
ignored
left out
'he doesn't love me'
etc
etc
etc
That is why working on yourself and building your OWN LIFE is so important, that way the time you do spend together will mean more. And as time goes on, and if he stays clean and sober, your 'together time' will probably increase.
Lexie said some really great stuff. Please read it again and again.
Put your expectations at the back of the closet and shut the closet door. This is truly going to be a "One Day At A Time" new adventure for both of you.
Actually it sounds like he was being extremely honest with. He doesn't know what the future holds. Heck he doesn't even really know himself yet or who he really is.
Now is the time for you to turn to AlAnon or private counseling with a therapist/counselor that specializes in addiction, for you.
J M H O
Love and hugs,
ps: time to take the 'focus' off of HIM and put it back on YOU.
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Originally Posted by Babyblue 
His sponsor and therapist told him to 'cool' things until further notice'. That sounds hopeful right?
How long would that take though?
How long would that take though?
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I love this place!!! So much wisdom 
So the key then is to let go of all expectations and allow him room to ease back into life. He is not yet in sober living but is in the transitioning phase. In a month I think he goes to sober living.
- give him room
- don't have expectations
- space to do his recovery work/ meetings
- take it one day at a time
Got it.
Yes he is being honest. This must work for him 100%. So that is why I wrote this thread because I don't want to push someone in a fragile state.
I have been doing much better in my recovery. I do see a therapist and she has been very helpful. I am trying to learn how to play guitar too! Its kind of fun. But I sound like a screeching cat
So the key then is to let go of all expectations and allow him room to ease back into life. He is not yet in sober living but is in the transitioning phase. In a month I think he goes to sober living.
- give him room
- don't have expectations
- space to do his recovery work/ meetings
- take it one day at a time
Got it.
Yes he is being honest. This must work for him 100%. So that is why I wrote this thread because I don't want to push someone in a fragile state.
I have been doing much better in my recovery. I do see a therapist and she has been very helpful. I am trying to learn how to play guitar too! Its kind of fun. But I sound like a screeching cat
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 173
I am rooting for both of you, too, Babyblue! I am the queen of impatience sometimes 
, so I understand how hard it is for you to know that he is still not completely ready to come back to you. You told me that my RA friend was still putting the pieces back together; so is your RABF, I would imagine, on an even bigger scale, since he has been away longer. Those four steps you wrote out are a good plan to follow; please hang in there!
Am glad your recovery is going well. Good luck with that and with the guitar lessons, no matter what you think it sounds like. Just have fun!
, so I understand how hard it is for you to know that he is still not completely ready to come back to you. You told me that my RA friend was still putting the pieces back together; so is your RABF, I would imagine, on an even bigger scale, since he has been away longer. Those four steps you wrote out are a good plan to follow; please hang in there!Am glad your recovery is going well. Good luck with that and with the guitar lessons, no matter what you think it sounds like. Just have fun!
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I'm just gonna throw an example out there. One of the things AA teaches is to exercise "rigorous honesty". People who are newly sober and trying to practice that have been known to put their large feet in their mouths. They are learning to navigate the waters between kindness and honesty. So try to cut him some slack if he expresses some of his feelings in, um, less than graceful ways. Not that you can't (or shouldn't) express that something hurts your feelings (if it does), but try not to flip out over it. Appreciate that he is trying to learn to be honest. You can respond by saying calmly how you feel, or even taking a "time out" yourself if you feel yourself about to overreact.
Easy does it. One day at a time.
Easy does it. One day at a time.
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Join Date: May 2005
Location: Upstate NY
Posts: 1,637
Aw Babyblue... I'm rooting for you guys too!! Patience is key here... With him and yourself. I love what Laurie posted... Take all that free time and energy and put it into recovering your relationship with yourself. You won't regret it!!
Have fun playing your guitar!!
Shannon
Have fun playing your guitar!!
Shannon
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Originally Posted by Babyblue
I love this place!!! So much wisdom
So the key then is to let go of all expectations and allow him room to ease back into life. He is not yet in sober living but is in the transitioning phase. In a month I think he goes to sober living.
- give him room
- don't have expectations
- space to do his recovery work/ meetings
- take it one day at a time
Got it.
Yes he is being honest. This must work for him 100%. So that is why I wrote this thread because I don't want to push someone in a fragile state.
I have been doing much better in my recovery. I do see a therapist and she has been very helpful. I am trying to learn how to play guitar too! Its kind of fun. But I sound like a screeching cat
So the key then is to let go of all expectations and allow him room to ease back into life. He is not yet in sober living but is in the transitioning phase. In a month I think he goes to sober living.
- give him room
- don't have expectations
- space to do his recovery work/ meetings
- take it one day at a time
Got it.
Yes he is being honest. This must work for him 100%. So that is why I wrote this thread because I don't want to push someone in a fragile state.
I have been doing much better in my recovery. I do see a therapist and she has been very helpful. I am trying to learn how to play guitar too! Its kind of fun. But I sound like a screeching cat
And...as Laurie mentions above...take this time to focus on your own recovery.
Detachment is huge for me. There will be things that come to the surface that remind you of the old drinking behavior. That's normal. Lots of confusion, too. I manage by remaining detached and focusing on myself...by telling myself every day not to put too much emphasis on an outcome (few expectations) but to just enjoy the moment.
Early recovery is a bumpy time. Keep your focus on you as best you can.
Good luck! ; )
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Posts: 1,637
You just dont know what he is or isn't thinking.... And trying to figure it out will drive you insane. Get out of his head, and back into today Babyblue! Worrying about what the future may or may not be means you are missing out on the present.
I lost some great opportunities of happiness because I was too preoccupied with what tomorrow may be. I can tell you that my projections tended to be far scarier, sadder than reality. I was always prepared for the worst.... And had a response/solution ready for any and all situations. Good god... I lived life on the edge of a nervous breakdown... Never relaxing and enjoying anything. I desperately needed answers... NOW... And i needed clarity so that I could know for certain which direction I needed to go.
Turns out when I let go of my need to know everything, and my need to have all the answers... I accept life on life's terms... I am much happier. I go with the flow and am grateful for today, no matter what it brings. I know that I'm right where I am suppose to be, just for today. I'll deal with tomorrow... Tomorrow!
Just take care of you... And you will find happiness.
Thanks for letting me share!
Shannon
I lost some great opportunities of happiness because I was too preoccupied with what tomorrow may be. I can tell you that my projections tended to be far scarier, sadder than reality. I was always prepared for the worst.... And had a response/solution ready for any and all situations. Good god... I lived life on the edge of a nervous breakdown... Never relaxing and enjoying anything. I desperately needed answers... NOW... And i needed clarity so that I could know for certain which direction I needed to go.
Turns out when I let go of my need to know everything, and my need to have all the answers... I accept life on life's terms... I am much happier. I go with the flow and am grateful for today, no matter what it brings. I know that I'm right where I am suppose to be, just for today. I'll deal with tomorrow... Tomorrow!
Just take care of you... And you will find happiness.
Thanks for letting me share!
Shannon
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Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 588
"I lost some great opportunities of happiness because I was too preoccupied with what tomorrow may be. I can tell you that my projections tended to be far scarier, sadder than reality. I was always prepared for the worst.... And had a response/solution ready for any and all situations. Good god... I lived life on the edge of a nervous breakdown... Never relaxing and enjoying anything." Gettingby
This was (and sometimes is) me. If it was just a situation I was worried about, e.g what if he loses his license I would sit and ask myself: what is the worse that can happen? and I work work out what I thought the worst could be and how I (not him, of course) would handle it. If I figured out I could handle it, I would relax a little and put it aside. I had a plan!
But I could never, ever do this with relationships. I was always trying to figure out why someone did or said something, and never in my favour, and stew and worry. I would worry that I read the other person wrong and missed social cues, or worse that I was misunderstood!
What a waste of my time and energy!
"Another person's opinion of me is none of my business" helps alot, but it is something I need to work hard on for my serenity.
This was (and sometimes is) me. If it was just a situation I was worried about, e.g what if he loses his license I would sit and ask myself: what is the worse that can happen? and I work work out what I thought the worst could be and how I (not him, of course) would handle it. If I figured out I could handle it, I would relax a little and put it aside. I had a plan!
But I could never, ever do this with relationships. I was always trying to figure out why someone did or said something, and never in my favour, and stew and worry. I would worry that I read the other person wrong and missed social cues, or worse that I was misunderstood!
What a waste of my time and energy!
"Another person's opinion of me is none of my business" helps alot, but it is something I need to work hard on for my serenity.
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I think it is ok to ask questions. Getting inside his head isn't good so thank you for pointing that out. It is more that I am wanting to be true to MYSELF here. This is about me, not him. He is doing what he has to.
I want to respect his boundaries but not if it means I'm in this ambiguous state of our situation. That to me isn't fair of him, recovery or not. I seek to understand because out of that understanding I grow as a person, we (if there is one) grow in closeness.
Yes some things are that way just because they are but when you are talking about a persons actions (or inactions) in a relationship, one person does have a legitimate stance in asking questions.
I know I won't ever know what a person is thinking. I can only go by his actions. But the basis of them are due to... recovery? he is just a jerk? he has amnesia? Those are they types of questions I ask.
I am just really triggered right now because sometimes I feel like I am way too accomodating, that I overprotect him when he is an adult. As adults we have responsibilties to those we care about (or say we care about) and to avoid situations or people is just as unhealthy as to try to get in someone's head.
Not sure if this makes sense. But this is just as much about his avoidance as it is about his recovery.
I want to respect his boundaries but not if it means I'm in this ambiguous state of our situation. That to me isn't fair of him, recovery or not. I seek to understand because out of that understanding I grow as a person, we (if there is one) grow in closeness.
Yes some things are that way just because they are but when you are talking about a persons actions (or inactions) in a relationship, one person does have a legitimate stance in asking questions.
I know I won't ever know what a person is thinking. I can only go by his actions. But the basis of them are due to... recovery? he is just a jerk? he has amnesia? Those are they types of questions I ask.
I am just really triggered right now because sometimes I feel like I am way too accomodating, that I overprotect him when he is an adult. As adults we have responsibilties to those we care about (or say we care about) and to avoid situations or people is just as unhealthy as to try to get in someone's head.
Not sure if this makes sense. But this is just as much about his avoidance as it is about his recovery.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
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We all have character defects (like an urge to avoid) that we drag with us into recovery. That's what the Step work is for.
So he isn't "all better" yet.
I know what it is that you want to know: are you wasting your time waiting, should you move on? All I can suggest is that you make this time count for YOU. I know I've wasted a TON of time in my life waiting to see how various things would work out (not only in relationships, but in other areas of my life) before I did anything to make my own situation better. It's something I'm still working on, but I'm getting better about not needing to know the outcome.
I forget, bb, are you in Al-Anon? Do you have a sponsor? These are the kinds of things that are good to kick around with a sponsor, and also good to address in your own Step work.
I think what you're feeling is normal, but I also think that you are hurting yourself to the extent that you are putting your life on "hold", so to speak, waiting to see what remains of your relationship with him.
Hugs,
So he isn't "all better" yet.
I know what it is that you want to know: are you wasting your time waiting, should you move on? All I can suggest is that you make this time count for YOU. I know I've wasted a TON of time in my life waiting to see how various things would work out (not only in relationships, but in other areas of my life) before I did anything to make my own situation better. It's something I'm still working on, but I'm getting better about not needing to know the outcome.
I forget, bb, are you in Al-Anon? Do you have a sponsor? These are the kinds of things that are good to kick around with a sponsor, and also good to address in your own Step work.
I think what you're feeling is normal, but I also think that you are hurting yourself to the extent that you are putting your life on "hold", so to speak, waiting to see what remains of your relationship with him.
Hugs,
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I guess I'm just realizing that there is no relationship. Maybe there never was. At least not the kind I am used to or wanted. It started out great (as they do) and I stuck it out through his relapse because I didn't want him to feel abandoned. So the irony is now I feel abandoned.
I know he isn't well. Far from it. In fact he is kind of weird sounding but that is probably because he has been in such an insular environment for a while.
I stopped going to al-anon because I figured the reason I was going was because of him and where it not for him, I would have never heard of al-anon (not having any alcoholism to deal with in my own life as a child or adult). I get more out of therapy but maybe I'll try meetings again. The meeting near me was a book study and I prefer the 'regular' type meetings so I'll look again.
I am hurting myself. It is 5 am, I barely slept. I let my guard down and he hooked me back in again. He isn't a bad person, but one who has some serious things to work on and I do need to give him the room.
I know he isn't well. Far from it. In fact he is kind of weird sounding but that is probably because he has been in such an insular environment for a while.
I stopped going to al-anon because I figured the reason I was going was because of him and where it not for him, I would have never heard of al-anon (not having any alcoholism to deal with in my own life as a child or adult). I get more out of therapy but maybe I'll try meetings again. The meeting near me was a book study and I prefer the 'regular' type meetings so I'll look again.
I am hurting myself. It is 5 am, I barely slept. I let my guard down and he hooked me back in again. He isn't a bad person, but one who has some serious things to work on and I do need to give him the room.
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