Surprised and thrilled by effective boundaries
I Love Who I Am
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
Surprised and thrilled by effective boundaries
Hi Everyone
I am practicing a new type of boundary with my business partner and it's doing amazing things for me.
My usual way of dealing with boundaries has been to:
stuff resentment until I'm furious and "can't take it anymore"
avoid the person all together until I
blow up and scream, then
feel bad about it
Repeat, until I finally, truly "can't take it anymore," and do something desperate. Like, make better boundaries.
So you know how awareness is the first step in change? Well I've known this pattern, identified it for awhile, and now have a changed it to a different way of dealing with people. I'll use my narcissistic business partner as an example
Distance- distancing myself from her emotionally, while creating clearer boundaries is giving me the ability to pull back and asses the situation, view the whole picture.
It's giving me insight into how I asses her meaning asking, "does this person have the characteristics of someone I want to closely align myself with? If not, what sort of interactions do I want to have with her? Like, whether or not I want to deal with her hysterical BS and what kind of boundaries I need to have with her in order to be comfortable.
It's amazing! The whole distance thing is fantastic, but here's how I've been able to do it.
(I'm sorry this isn't more clear, I"m barfing this stuff out am on deadline but want to get this out first)
Ordinarily, I ENGAGE with her BS drama. for instance, she said she wanted to write an article for this issue of our paper (we are co-owners, I am editor). Half way through the project she sent it to me and said, I need for you to finish this.
I was furious. She does this all the time, expects other people to wait on her. Instead of acting on my anger, I forced myself to calm down and pull back and NOT interact immediately. Then, I sent her an email saying, "sorry can't finish your work for you, we'll have to put it in the next issue."
Of course, she went ballistic, about all the work she does with no hellp from me, but I don't care. I DO NOT ENGAGE. Awesome
Just now, the same thing happened. I called her about a notice she's putting in the paper that she didn't discuss with me and she started screaming and interrupting me, so I hung up and sent her an email.
Most wonderfully, as these exchanges change from her screaming and me fighting with her, to her screaming and me creating a boundary and shifting my thinking from what a bitch she is to how do I ensure i don't have these encounters with her, an amazing thing is happenning.
I am able to consider leaving the partnership. Picture it.
Abusive situations are becoming less acceptable to me. I unfortunately, embarked on this business relationship BEFORE I was able to asses her fully, to determine IF I wanted to be a partner with her.
But I do that automatically now with folks I meet, people who offer me jobs, folks who want to spend time with me. I know that with a little preventative work, I can save myself an ass load of problems.
But the key to getting out of abusive situations for me in'st just recognizing I am in them (thanks to my ****** up childhood it's taken me a long time to sort this **** out) but consciously pulling back when one of those triggers (example, her screaming at me) happens.
No I do not want to have you scream at me and interrupt me.
That's new, rather than, "dont you dare talk to ME that way!" and engaging.
Sorry this is so crazy, i have to get back to work, but please share the details of where your awareness of needing to have better boundaries actually took hold in your life and I'd love specific examples of how you created those boundaries and the effect its' had.
Thanks!
I am practicing a new type of boundary with my business partner and it's doing amazing things for me.
My usual way of dealing with boundaries has been to:
stuff resentment until I'm furious and "can't take it anymore"
avoid the person all together until I
blow up and scream, then
feel bad about it
Repeat, until I finally, truly "can't take it anymore," and do something desperate. Like, make better boundaries.
So you know how awareness is the first step in change? Well I've known this pattern, identified it for awhile, and now have a changed it to a different way of dealing with people. I'll use my narcissistic business partner as an example
Distance- distancing myself from her emotionally, while creating clearer boundaries is giving me the ability to pull back and asses the situation, view the whole picture.
It's giving me insight into how I asses her meaning asking, "does this person have the characteristics of someone I want to closely align myself with? If not, what sort of interactions do I want to have with her? Like, whether or not I want to deal with her hysterical BS and what kind of boundaries I need to have with her in order to be comfortable.
It's amazing! The whole distance thing is fantastic, but here's how I've been able to do it.
(I'm sorry this isn't more clear, I"m barfing this stuff out am on deadline but want to get this out first)
Ordinarily, I ENGAGE with her BS drama. for instance, she said she wanted to write an article for this issue of our paper (we are co-owners, I am editor). Half way through the project she sent it to me and said, I need for you to finish this.
I was furious. She does this all the time, expects other people to wait on her. Instead of acting on my anger, I forced myself to calm down and pull back and NOT interact immediately. Then, I sent her an email saying, "sorry can't finish your work for you, we'll have to put it in the next issue."
Of course, she went ballistic, about all the work she does with no hellp from me, but I don't care. I DO NOT ENGAGE. Awesome
Just now, the same thing happened. I called her about a notice she's putting in the paper that she didn't discuss with me and she started screaming and interrupting me, so I hung up and sent her an email.
Most wonderfully, as these exchanges change from her screaming and me fighting with her, to her screaming and me creating a boundary and shifting my thinking from what a bitch she is to how do I ensure i don't have these encounters with her, an amazing thing is happenning.
I am able to consider leaving the partnership. Picture it.
Abusive situations are becoming less acceptable to me. I unfortunately, embarked on this business relationship BEFORE I was able to asses her fully, to determine IF I wanted to be a partner with her.
But I do that automatically now with folks I meet, people who offer me jobs, folks who want to spend time with me. I know that with a little preventative work, I can save myself an ass load of problems.
But the key to getting out of abusive situations for me in'st just recognizing I am in them (thanks to my ****** up childhood it's taken me a long time to sort this **** out) but consciously pulling back when one of those triggers (example, her screaming at me) happens.
No I do not want to have you scream at me and interrupt me.
That's new, rather than, "dont you dare talk to ME that way!" and engaging.
Sorry this is so crazy, i have to get back to work, but please share the details of where your awareness of needing to have better boundaries actually took hold in your life and I'd love specific examples of how you created those boundaries and the effect its' had.
Thanks!
Today is a New Day
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 1,766
Hooray transformie! 
That's actually a wonderful post, and have given me plenty of good things to think about.
I've still got a lot of work to do on myself. I went to a doctor this morning, first time in a very long time, so of course its understandable that I didn't get in at 9am for my 9am appointment with all the paperwork I had to fill out.
It's not understandable to keep me sitting in the waiting room until 10:45am, though... And I am sure it would have been longer if I had not walked up to the front desk and told them that sitting in a waiting room for 2 hours was unacceptable and that either I wanted to go in within the next five minutes, or I wanted my check back and I would find a doctor elsewhere.
I was on my way back to work by 11am, after a full appointment, and the doctor even took the time to check out my knee which has started to (mildly) bother me, and have a brief discussion about how the whole waiting room incident was a big turn-off.
I feel good about the appointment, now.
And I stood up for myself, which is an improvement; past-StarCat would have sat there all afternoon.
It took me longer than it should have to decide to say something... So I still have work to do.
Progress, not perfection.
That's actually a wonderful post, and have given me plenty of good things to think about.
I've still got a lot of work to do on myself. I went to a doctor this morning, first time in a very long time, so of course its understandable that I didn't get in at 9am for my 9am appointment with all the paperwork I had to fill out.
It's not understandable to keep me sitting in the waiting room until 10:45am, though... And I am sure it would have been longer if I had not walked up to the front desk and told them that sitting in a waiting room for 2 hours was unacceptable and that either I wanted to go in within the next five minutes, or I wanted my check back and I would find a doctor elsewhere.
I was on my way back to work by 11am, after a full appointment, and the doctor even took the time to check out my knee which has started to (mildly) bother me, and have a brief discussion about how the whole waiting room incident was a big turn-off.
I feel good about the appointment, now.
And I stood up for myself, which is an improvement; past-StarCat would have sat there all afternoon.
It took me longer than it should have to decide to say something... So I still have work to do.
Progress, not perfection.
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