Tigger's back... my story
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Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Missouri
Posts: 673
Tigger's back... my story
Hello dear F/F family. I posted a few days ago saying I was back, and would write and vent later. Now somehow I don't feel like it. But I'm going to anyway knowing I'll get wonderful encouragement, and wanting to get back into regularly being on this awesome forum.
About 2 years ago, I left my AH in a hurry after some escillating incidences with beating our dog, threats of divorce, and mega insanity, emotional abuse and fear that something physical might occur. We were no contact, going through the divorce process, and I was healing and in counseling for almost a year. Through most of that time, I was depressed, missing him, terribly hurt, and trying and mostly succeeding at hiding all that in my work.
Then, by a fluke, we were back in contact. Shortly after, we were seeing each other in elated happiness. To be short lived. The insanity of his alcoholism pulled me in again, and I allowed it to bring me down. Weekends spent together in his stinky house with him not working (fired again, although that's not HIS story), and unbathed, not having done anything during the week. First thing I had to do upon arrival from a stressful week was to go get something to eat, and clean enough to bear the icky-ness.
(By the way, by the grace of God AH and I live in separate homes. I stayed in mine after he and I got back together because my 17 YO son lives with me, and refused to live with him. Thank goodness for that! I've been staying at my home during the week, and going to his on weekends.)
I allowed myself to let him use me for this. Allowed him to verbally abuse me... I don't raise my kids right, I'm unfaithful... but he's the perfect man, loving, caring. Let's see... he opens the door for me, lights my cigs, insists that I go to the doctor for every little thing. Yup, perfect.
Weekend before last was particularly verbally abusive. I went to my counselor as usual on Wednesday, and she was wonderful as always. She asked why I was allowing myself to be hurt like that. Why I was letting his words get to me, and responding by not taking care of myself. And the thing that gets me everytime... what would I do to take care of one of my children, or fur babies, if someone were to treat them the way AH treats me. Oh yes, everyone else needs to be carefully, and even furiously guarded against anything remotely like this, but me? No... I just sit there and take it.
Bringing us to last Thursday when I emailed AH saying that the entire weekend of arguing had stressed me out, and I was going to skip my usual weekend with him this past weekend. He responded by saying that I should stay away for "a few months".
OKAY - I said with relief.
What's next? I don't know. All I can tell you is where I am today.
Tigger
About 2 years ago, I left my AH in a hurry after some escillating incidences with beating our dog, threats of divorce, and mega insanity, emotional abuse and fear that something physical might occur. We were no contact, going through the divorce process, and I was healing and in counseling for almost a year. Through most of that time, I was depressed, missing him, terribly hurt, and trying and mostly succeeding at hiding all that in my work.
Then, by a fluke, we were back in contact. Shortly after, we were seeing each other in elated happiness. To be short lived. The insanity of his alcoholism pulled me in again, and I allowed it to bring me down. Weekends spent together in his stinky house with him not working (fired again, although that's not HIS story), and unbathed, not having done anything during the week. First thing I had to do upon arrival from a stressful week was to go get something to eat, and clean enough to bear the icky-ness.
(By the way, by the grace of God AH and I live in separate homes. I stayed in mine after he and I got back together because my 17 YO son lives with me, and refused to live with him. Thank goodness for that! I've been staying at my home during the week, and going to his on weekends.)
I allowed myself to let him use me for this. Allowed him to verbally abuse me... I don't raise my kids right, I'm unfaithful... but he's the perfect man, loving, caring. Let's see... he opens the door for me, lights my cigs, insists that I go to the doctor for every little thing. Yup, perfect.
Weekend before last was particularly verbally abusive. I went to my counselor as usual on Wednesday, and she was wonderful as always. She asked why I was allowing myself to be hurt like that. Why I was letting his words get to me, and responding by not taking care of myself. And the thing that gets me everytime... what would I do to take care of one of my children, or fur babies, if someone were to treat them the way AH treats me. Oh yes, everyone else needs to be carefully, and even furiously guarded against anything remotely like this, but me? No... I just sit there and take it.
Bringing us to last Thursday when I emailed AH saying that the entire weekend of arguing had stressed me out, and I was going to skip my usual weekend with him this past weekend. He responded by saying that I should stay away for "a few months".
OKAY - I said with relief.
What's next? I don't know. All I can tell you is where I am today.
Tigger
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Well done, tigger.
Yes, all we have is today. Hope you have a good day and do something nice for yourself
so glad you are still in counseling! I just went back to therapy too and feel so much better afterwards.
Yes, all we have is today. Hope you have a good day and do something nice for yourself
so glad you are still in counseling! I just went back to therapy too and feel so much better afterwards.
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Join Date: May 2005
Location: Upstate NY
Posts: 1,637
Thanks for sharing Tigger. I understand where you are... and why you are there. I too love my AH, who is emotionally unavailable to me. Yet, for reasons that are still unclear to me... I worry about not having him in my life. I'm sick, and I need my recovery. I need to break out of the cycle I'm in... separating from him, then going back to him and accepting unacceptable behavior. I am owning my part in our dysfunction. If I want it to stop - I need to step up to the plate.
One day at a time... hang in there. I'm glad you're back!
-Shannon
One day at a time... hang in there. I'm glad you're back!
-Shannon
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Missouri
Posts: 673
Thank you! It's so good to be back, and to be welcomed, as I knew I would be!
TC - I did do something nice for myself. Got my toe & finger nails painted bright pink, with flowers on my big toes. I worked from home because my garage door is broken and pretended my car was trapped. I L.O.V.E. working at home!
Live - I think of YOU often, too - and am glad we're both here! Miss you!
Wise words Getting By. You are right. I too, am sick, and choose to allow AH and others to intrude on my well being. It's time to learn how to take care of ME. What a concept!
Love you guys!
Tigg
TC - I did do something nice for myself. Got my toe & finger nails painted bright pink, with flowers on my big toes. I worked from home because my garage door is broken and pretended my car was trapped. I L.O.V.E. working at home!
Live - I think of YOU often, too - and am glad we're both here! Miss you!
Wise words Getting By. You are right. I too, am sick, and choose to allow AH and others to intrude on my well being. It's time to learn how to take care of ME. What a concept!
Love you guys!
Tigg
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Missouri
Posts: 673
Dolly Do - if this relationship is "not in the cards" as you said. Then YIPPEE, and here's to a smooth and complete ending of it.
BWAHAHA... that's probably not in the cards either. But hey... a girl can dream.
BWAHAHA... that's probably not in the cards either. But hey... a girl can dream.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Missouri
Posts: 673
Thank you DeVonn... your post brought tears to my eyes. I don't allow that to happen often. (Perhaps it's time to start?!)
I read about your recent struggles. My heart and prayers are with you.
HUGS!
Tigg
I read about your recent struggles. My heart and prayers are with you.
HUGS!
Tigg
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Missouri
Posts: 673
JRG - THANK YOU!
Hey... since March, I've been volunteering (in my spare HA time) for a dog rescue organization. Not too long ago, we took in a brother/sister Jack Russel mix, young, about 5 months. Brindle color. GREAT personalities! Fun dogs. WAY too much energy for me in my little apartment. But fun for a couple of weeks. Got them leash trained.
Hey... since March, I've been volunteering (in my spare HA time) for a dog rescue organization. Not too long ago, we took in a brother/sister Jack Russel mix, young, about 5 months. Brindle color. GREAT personalities! Fun dogs. WAY too much energy for me in my little apartment. But fun for a couple of weeks. Got them leash trained.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,059
hey girlfriend-
good to hear from you.
on this journey, sometimes i think i'm back at the same spot on the mountain, but i discover i'm not. i see and react differently now.
i bet you'll find the same is true for you. maybe being back with him is what you require to see that you've grown and changed.
take care,
naive
good to hear from you.
on this journey, sometimes i think i'm back at the same spot on the mountain, but i discover i'm not. i see and react differently now.
i bet you'll find the same is true for you. maybe being back with him is what you require to see that you've grown and changed.
take care,
naive
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Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Wizard Land Downunder
Posts: 2,615
She's back....Yipee Tigger's back.
Just been with a friend and her Jack Russell, and what a pocket dynamo she is to keep up with. If friend is on the phone for more than 2 minutes there's a great barking to let friend know to "get off that thing and attend to ME".
I thought of you every time I came here for a peek, and wondered how you were doing so it is wonderful to see this tonight.
Don't hassle yourself about how it all turned out, or blame yourself for being there once again....heck NO-ONE ever got it right on the 1st attempt.
Look where you came from in earlier posts and celebrate the great distance you have travelled from there.
WELCOME BACK TIGGER.
Just been with a friend and her Jack Russell, and what a pocket dynamo she is to keep up with. If friend is on the phone for more than 2 minutes there's a great barking to let friend know to "get off that thing and attend to ME".
I thought of you every time I came here for a peek, and wondered how you were doing so it is wonderful to see this tonight.
Don't hassle yourself about how it all turned out, or blame yourself for being there once again....heck NO-ONE ever got it right on the 1st attempt.
Look where you came from in earlier posts and celebrate the great distance you have travelled from there.
WELCOME BACK TIGGER.
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
"Nothing is worth more than this day" (Goethe)
OMG.. Live, Freedom, naive, and Jadmack, quite some "veterans" in the same thread...!
Awww it made me teary that you felt teary when reading Freedom's post, tigger... I abandoned myself too many years.
Yeah, its time!!
PS Your nails sound beautiful!! I will have them done too.
And what are you going to do for YOU today?? yup, its a daily thing! even if its just a long nice deep breathe, or giving yourself a positive compliment...
OMG.. Live, Freedom, naive, and Jadmack, quite some "veterans" in the same thread...!
Awww it made me teary that you felt teary when reading Freedom's post, tigger... I abandoned myself too many years.
Yeah, its time!!
PS Your nails sound beautiful!! I will have them done too.
And what are you going to do for YOU today?? yup, its a daily thing! even if its just a long nice deep breathe, or giving yourself a positive compliment...
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