lightseeker

Well, I've graduated from devastated to simply wrestling with it all. Which, is a major improvement. The thought of giving someone 20,000 of my hard earned money that has abused me and created untold amount of havoc and chaos in my life just gauls me. Of course, the 20k is on top of the 60k+ that I am also losing do to the renovation that he did on my house in this terrible market.

He is sueing me for equitable distribution....which of course he has to prove that he deserves anything - but will likely result in guaranteed legal fees of greater than 20K for me. He is that vindictive that he would do this. He honestly does not have a leg to stand on but the process to prove that is expensive.

Hopefully, he will take the 20K offer (he wants 50k). If not....then bring it on. As I told my attorney this morning....I am going to have to give one of you the money....and I'd much rather give it to you than to him.

I am really working to get into/stay in the place of acceptance and not let this become any more poisionous to me than it already has been.

I am also looking at my part in all of this: trusted him to do the right thing when he had not demonstrated that trait; did not get a pre-nup because "that's not how marriage is supposed to be", allowed myself to stay in a relationship even when the abuse started (poor self care); wanted the relationship to work more than I wanted to take care of my self (self-seeking, poor self care).

I see all of the ways that I set myself up for this but it sure is a bitter pill to swallow. And I have learned an extremely valuable lesson. I hope that my experience will at least be a cautionary tale for others...love all the addicts that you want but PLEASE protect your assets and your finances. By the time that you get to where I am the love is long gone. A little bit of self-care and a prenup would have made the difference between having a home for my sons and 75,0000+ in my bank account.

I'm trusting that what goes round, comes round and I have to just let go of it. I am worth the money and that hopefully will be enough to make him go away. I have turned over every stone that I know to turn over legally. My sister is an attorny, one of her best friend's is a family law attorney, my friend is a judge, and I have a greatly respected and tough attorney. They've all chimed in. I had no idea that someone sueing you could be so expensive even when you are in the right. Some people just thrive on creating misery....and I definitely was married to one of them.

And to top it off....I got an email from him last night that said he sure hoped that I would put my animosity behind us soon so that we could go out on a date........I will be REALLY glad when my house finally closes and I can then send him to spam (which is where he belongs).

Oh....house was supposed to close today but is now delayed. The man neglected to tell anyone that he had lost his job and when the mortgage company went to verify employment it brought things to a screech. Apparently, they are coming up with family money somehow. What a mess.

Thanks for letting me vent. Any suggestions on how to put gauling things behind you would be greatly appreciated.

gowest

I am going through a financially catastrophic divorce.

A long long story too much to get into.

People always say that they are shocked that I am not more bitter about the entire situation.

This is how I deal with whatever bitterness/resentment I find bubbling up once in a while. Maybe it will help you too.

I remind myself:
I chose to stay in a marriage where I wasn't happy with the partnership.
Yes we have children - blah, blah, blah
The truth of the matter is that no one held a gun to my head and I was not chained to the bedpost.
I wanted to wake up next to my children everyday and I was afraid of changing the status quo.

My decisions cost me my financial security.
Doesn't matter that he was a jerk and at some point I "knew" it.
It was my decision and mine alone to stay for all those years.

I am truly glad for all those extra mornings I was able to have my kids home with me every day.

I have only myself to blame for not deciding to leave when I recognized that my husband was not someone I particularly liked and did not respect.

I forgive myself.
I look to the future.
I went back to school, went back to work, have worked my little behind off and will have my BSN in under 18 months.
I will be independent. I would never have motivated to do all this had it not been for the total and complete financial devastation I faced.

So good and bad has come from my choices.
Hope this helps.

gowest

Also I have one friend that I can just b*tch to when I need to vent for 15 minutes.

It really helps.
I call her up and say "do you have time for a rant and rave" and just having one person say god he is such an a**hole really helps.

I mean really, I'm moving on, but I'm not a saint

lightseeker

gowest....

thank you so much for your reply....it helps. I've been reading a book about spiritual divorce and it is helping me to look at my part in all of this. I definitely have seen it all along. I do not have children with him but we were a blended family.

I wish that I had stood up to him a really long time ago. I am adjusting to all of this. It blows me away how this whole thing turned out though. My husband is hell bent on punishing me for leaving him...he is not entitled to anything but is sueing me anyway.....it just doesn't make any sense to me.

Now I just want it to me done. But also....I don't want to be bullied by him anymore.

dollydo

I like your attitude, this is strictly business. Keep in mind that he too must pay his attorney. And people like him, love to recieve, but they do not want to give. When they have to dig in their own pockets, they have a tendency to fold.

One thing that I have learned is not to respond on a dime, if he counters, mull it around for awhile, don't jump the gun. As a side note, the 20K was the figure that was rolling around in my mind.

You will be fine,

lightseeker

dollydo,

thank you so much! That is wise and sage advice. I made a decision tonight to just let it go..... this is why I have a lawyer. I'm so worn out from it I'm about ready to say here....have 40K. I know not to do that though. I just need to hold still and wait.

Your comments were perfectly timed. Thank you so much! Donna

hello-kitty

I love the expression "I forgive myself".

It took me a long time to forgive myself for what I put myself through with my ex.