hwsm

I have had no contact with my XABF for 3 1/2 weeks now. I'm having a hard time today. I miss him so much. Sunday mornings were always ours alone. He'd make french toast and bacon and we'd do the crossword puzzle together. I have a king-sized bed and miss rolling over to see him there. I've been sleeping across the top of the bed so it doesn't seem so empty.

And to be honest here, I'm really kinda hurt that I haven't heard from him. How weird is that? I mean, I blocked his number from me & my teenage son's cell phones. I was the one who initiated the no-contact. I'm mentally torturing myself here. In the past he left sticky love notes all over my Jeep, a rose on my windshield, and sent me cards and text messages. Now, nothing and I'm wondering if he's okay? I wouldn't even go to my mom's last week because I didn't want to drive anywhere near his house. I've been resisting the temptation to drive by because I'm afraid of what I might find. I've been avoiding my friends and family because I start crying at the drop of a hat and feel pathetic at times.

I must be a sick because it's like I'm craving attention from him when I know it's wrong.

blueblooms14

Hwsm,

Sending you lots of hugs. Is there something going on astronomically right now? I have had some yearning today too. I’m on day 39 of No Contact. I even go to the alcoholism section sometimes because I identify with the people who are counting days sober.

This is what I’ve been telling myself today, to stay “sober” and stay on track: That relationship must be and is a turning point for me. I will not live like that ever again. It wasn’t even really living. It was surviving, a fire-alarm life, turmoil and futility, never sustained building and creating, never deep solid relaxation. I will not live that way again. I value myself and my life, and everyone around me. I, and they, want me to be happy and stable and they want me to laugh and thrive. Just like an alcoholic, if I keep going down the codie rabbit hole, my life not only declines, but it also affects everyone around me. I do NOT want to hurt them as I hurt myself. Anyway, that’s how I wrestle my cravings down.

I really understand, hwsm. Sometimes without warning, it pulls at me again. We can do this. We ARE doing this.

One day at a time.

BBlooms

P.S. Aw, shoot, that made me all weepy. Might as well cry, hwsm. That doesn't mean we can't do this. Just processing the stuff it is time to process. Hugs again.

jamaicamecrazy

Join the club ladies. Weekends are very difficult for me. I find myself wondering what he is doing and if he is even thinking about me. Its torturous. I try to think of him as being my drug of choice. I have cravings for him but I know 1 slip can set me back in my recovery.
Be strong, do some reading, do something that even if you don't feel like it will at least provide a distraction for a few hours.
I hear it gets better. Still waiting for it to be.

hwsm

Friday night was a full moon? I don't know what it is. Even looking at the moon hurts. We always called it "our moon". Whenever we were apart we would both look at the same time. Sentimental sh*t like that gets me. I boxed up all the photos, cards, and mementos but I still have tons of pics on my cell phone and computer. Vacations we took, holidays, etc., etc. And I have cried and cried. Sometimes it just hits me like a tidal wave. Whenever my mom asks how things are going or how I am, I just choke up and can't even talk. What's scary is I'm past the being mad at him stage and starting to feel like I want him back. I almost wish he would write me a stupid email or letter making lame excuses or blaming me more. That would make me realize again that he's never going to change. Maybe I should go back and read the ones he's sent me in the past? I checked into Al-Anon meetings but in my area they are mostly combined with AA. I'm terrified to go and be a blubbering idiot.

TakingCharge999

hwsm ((HUGS))

The first days are the worst but they will pass. Cry all you need.

I recommend "The language of letting go", "The Grief club" and "Codependent no more" all books by Melody Beatty. Her compassion and wisdom is extraordinary.

Remember the deal breakers and bad moments too.

Do you like anything more than french toast? why not prepare it the next Sunday, make a new tradition? or add an extra to the french toast.

Syrup
Dulce de leche
Blueberry jam
Spreadable cheese

So you remember it can be better without him? I don't know it sounds dumb but these kind of things helped me. Or cook something entirely different?

You are mourning and it will all pass. I went to AA because it was close and I also wanted to mark 24 hours of No contact. Many days it was my only goal, to get through the day and go to a meeting. Withdrawal symptoms that are not so different from alcoholics..

Everyone was wonderful/ I always arrived teary (you could wear glasses if you are afraid!) and they welcomed me and the insight and experiences they offered were priceless. You don't have to explain anything or talk to anyone if you don't want to.

To have alcoholics share what its like for them, see what recovered ones are like, and have them listen to you and tell you you made the right choice, was very healing to me. It was like talking to healthier versions of the ex. Everyone arrives hitting bottom and suffering a great deal, no one judges you.

Believe me I isolated for MONTHS before I asked for help and I got almost suicidal and suffered way too much all alone. Its not worth it. When I went to AA, told my mom I was sad, went to therapy, posted in SR like crazy I opened my heart for fellow human beings to help me and support me and made me feel like someone understood and cared and that I was not going crazy, that others had gone through the same and survived and had a better life afterwards.

Well all that was 2.5 years ago. These days I laugh all day... I love life... I can't sleep, because I am too excited and having many ideas about what I want to do... its all about me now... my hairdo! my health, my joy, my wardrobe, my music, my tastes, my freedom, my plans, my interests, my sports, my talents, my hobbies, my true friends, my spiritual family....

I am having an affair with life and taking myself to places I enjoy and doing activities that fill my soul (music, arts etc)... all this, because I kept no contact and asked for professional help and have been honest with myself... had to take responsibility for my pain and my choices... and start to love myself and be kind to myself. And LEARN TO ASK FOR HELP. Pride is useless IMHO especially when going through difficult times.

This can be a time for transformation and deep healing. You are giving birth to a new you. Its going to be a struggle and it can feel like a very dark place, often. BUT everything improves little by little. Life takes you to a better place. Its an organic thing, a process.

I honestly believe I was saved from much pain and suffering. Today I am free of addiction. I am very very grateful. Have never felt this healthy ever. And the ex keeps drinking, he has not changed at all, I know because I work with him, got common contacts and he is exactly.the.same. I don't wish him good things or bad things anymore. Well I still got some anger and resentment but ahh its nothing compared to my intense feelings. Trust the process as Melody Beatty says.

I would have lost 3 years of my life waiting for the guy to change. Or the rest of my life, even. He is set to drinking. Nothing anyone can do. He drank before I met him, he drank when I was with him, he continues to drink without me - I have nothing to do with his problem.

I hope you can get those books, I hope you can ask for a hug if you need it, honestly mourning an alcoholic was the most painful thing in my life and the only thing I regret is not having asked for help sooner. Therapy has been my main source of support. I also went to group therapy and also arrived all teary without even being able to talk... then I hear how it is like for people who married addicts and got sons /daughters that also turned addicts or married an addict, listen to the endless cycle of suffering... this helps put things in perspective... even if I felt so bad , honestly it was nothing compared to what could have happened to my life if I continued to be there with XABF. A man in AA told me "you don't even know what pain is" when I shared my story... not in a dismissive way, more like "it could have been so much worse, be grateful you woke up in time to save your life".

Keep posting here, we get it. I've posted about the same things over and over again, over 5k posts already LOL and they haven't kicked me out! share all you need to.

Life goes on and has so many wonderful gifts in store for you. Your story goes on. I was told this when I was feeling horrible and didn't believe it. Well they were right. IT gets SO much better. Keep no contact. Remember the HALT rule. Take care of the basics. More will be revealed. Resort to your faith if you are spiritual or religious.

PM me if you wish, I am a good listener...

Freedom1990

Lots of times Alanon and AA meet at the same time, but are in different rooms of a location. That's the way our Alanon used to be.

hwsm

TakingCharge999

Thank you for your kind words. I haven't seen him in 3 1/2 weeks. We exchanged text messages around July 4th and when things got nasty, I blocked him. I got a few messages on my home phone and one text from "a friend" the next day. I guess I didn't expect this. He always "quacked" in the past, sent long rambling emails, text messages that went from one extreme to the other. I don't get it. I feel like he's probably gone way south or maybe he's seeing a professional who told him not to contact me? I don't know. The not knowing is hardest. I feel like maybe we should have sat down and said goodbye, this is it. Some type of closure.

I will look for those books. I looked up the meeting times and places again but just starting crying. I can't believe that my life has come to this. It's sooo not how thought it was going to turn out. All our plans for the future; just gone now.

I'm trying to remember the bad moments and deal breakers. The smell that made me want to puke, that I knew was liquor on his breath. I went back and read emails I sent to a friend a year ago when I first suspected he had a problem with alcohol.

What's really crazy is that the XABF told me that in his 13 years of sobriety, he was the head of his AA group, helped a lot of young people, and organized dances and stuff. He showed me all his literature and coins. He told me that if anyone knew how to quit - it was him. Nutty, huh?

I was seeing a counselor last October but got laid off my job and stopped going. I knew I needed to talk to someone when I not only thought about ending my life, but exactly how I would do it. That really scared me.

Right now I'm taking college classes to try and get a nursing degree. My baby will graduate from high school in two years and I need something to do!

You are very inspirational. Even though I can't imagine it right now, I'm so hoping to get to a better place and take better care of me. I'm not sure I'll ever be able to put my heart out there again.


I hate to sound dumb, but what is the HALT rule? I wrote him a letter and mailed it but got no reply - yet. Like I said, I'm ewas hoping that he would repeat the same stupid stuff and blame everyone else around him. It would make letting go so much easier, knowing I did the right thing.

Thank you again. Your compassinate words mean so much to me right now.

roxiestone

My experience has been that I was as addicted to him as he was to the alcohol. That it wasn't logical for me to "love" someone that was so bad for me. Taking a good hard look at my part, my victimhood in this was painful.

Because even after going no contact, I was still craving him to "come to his senses", etc etc etc. That is just my disease quacking. And yes it sucks, mightily. But my own recovery depends upon my ability to work my program as hard as I wish he would work his.

Good luck - I know this doesn't sound very supportive, but truly, I understand everything you wrote.

blueblooms14

I think Roxie makes a very important point here. It's that person that was bad for me, not just the mean, dishonest, exploitative parts. It's the whole package.

I'm more repulsed by the "good, kind, loving" times or behaviors because they ARE the sugar pill, the lure, the part that kept me in and kept me from staying strong and confident in my perception of reality. It's like Lundy Bancroft describes- the sugar and sweetness is a necessary part of the whole destructive package, which itself imbalances me in its whipsaw effect. The sugar/sweetness blinds me- that's the drug that leads me to ignore, forget, or whitewash the nasty, dishonest, exploitative things XABF did. In retrospect the sweetness is even more repulsive and insidious to me than the nasty was, because the good was the drug I swallowed to blot out reality.

I have a lifelong history of this traumatic bonding process, since I was about 3, so there is a lot of retraining to do.

jamaicamecrazy

He drank before I met him, he drank when I was with him, he continues to drink without me - I have nothing to do with his problem.

That's exactly what I told my AH in a MC session when he said I was the reason he drank. That statement was an eye opener for me. He clearly was in so much denial about his drinking and was irrational about his life. Even if he had admitted years before that he knew he had a drinking problem but chose to try to control it. I knew now he was losing any control he thought he had.
Its those kinds of things that I need to remember when I miss him. We are toxic to each other. Plain and simple.

groomer1

I have read your posts from the beginning, hwsm..your story is so similar to mine it is scary. I can only tell you with confidence that AlAnon is the way to go My first meeting, I walked into a room full of men, and they all looked at me and stopped talking. I was terrified. I said, "Is this AlAnon?" And they said, "No, this is AA, AlAnon is after us, but welcome.." When I heard the AlAnon people speak, and it was my turn, I said, "I will never be able to speak as eloquently as you all do." Guess what? Now I am not the newbie, and I CAN speak like the others. They will give you the materials, books, and daily readings. Here is a tip that works for me: when you find yourself missing the moments, all the special things you did together, etc. -come up with a mantra that is REALITY and repeat it at that moment to train your brain, so to speak. Mine is, "He is a sick man and has illnesses and addictions." Just repeat it in your head, if you are with people. It does work. Try to remember the things that hurt you, which so outnumber the good. We know this, we just choose not to remember them. We are all in this together...:codiepolice

hwsm

Thank you Groomer. Your post made me cry, but I feel like each one I read helps more and more.

I dreamed about him all last night. Part of me wants to go knock on his front door, see his face, find out if he's okay. I fought off the urge to drive by his house at 3am (so no one would see me). I want to look in his windows. Did he take all our pictures down? I do keep hoping that he will "come to his senses". I'm mad at myself for investing so much time, energy, and love into someone who I didn't realize wasn't capable of returning that to me. He wasn't abusive, but very good to me. Sometimes I wonder if it was just me. Was I crazy? What if I blamed him for drinking and he really didn't? It's just so hard to accept that it's really over. I waited so long for the type of intimacy and connection that we had. My head hurts from crying so much. Why am I doing this to myself?

Thank you. It helps reading that other people HAVE gone through this and I'm not just being a nutcase here.

Sylvie66

This is what I needed to recognize for myself - that even thinking about him so much was bad-for-me codependency. It helped, and still helps, to be able to tease apart the segments of the giant ball of pain. Did I miss my morning ride to work because I was thinking about my ABF instead of noticing the flowers on the bike path - again? The more aware I get about where my mind travels, the easier it is for me to rephrase things, and yes, go back along the bike path to name the flowers.

It gets easier. This is what recovery looks like.

- Sylvie

hwsm

My biggest fear is getting a phone call that he is hurt or worse. I'm truly heartbroken. I feel like a huge piece of my life is missing. I feel like I need to know if he's ok. I'm thinking about having a friend check on him.

jamaicamecrazy

That not knowing about him drives me crazy. I know I still spend way too much time thinking about him and yes driving by places he might be. For me the last few times I did see him I was painfully aware of how sick he is, how I can't help him, and how I don't need that in my life.
Your self doubt is something I wrestle with too. Did I make the drinking more of an issue than it really was? But when I take an honest inventory of our time together, I can't remember one holiday, one vacation or one weekend that he did not drink to get drunk. Yes we had fun, he was kind and wonderful to me, he was a great dad. But my AH changed as his disease progressed.
I know I could have written your last post and as hard as it is, I know that he is no good for me right now. In fact, a few times I saw him and I actually felt physically ill. I needed to listen to what my body was trying to tell me even though my brain was trying to fool me.
Be strong. Be good to yourself. Put your best interest first.

hwsm

That's the hard part for me because our vacations together were wonderful because he didn't drink around me. It was when he was home alone and I saw him actually "drunk" 3 times in a year and a half. My thing is 1) I can't stand the smell; it makes me physically ill and 2) it changes his personality. He's not the same man that I fell in love with. He's not mean or abusive. He has always been very good to me and my son. I can't put my finger on it but I know it bothered me.

kittykitty

Hi hwsm,
Just wanted to slip in a "I know what you mean" comment, I have been missing my ex for the past week, for some reason. I don't want to talk to him, or resume contact, I'm just curious as to how he is, especially because he seems to have finally given up on contacting me... last attempt was about three weeks ago. Funny how that happens, as soon as they leave us alone and give us what we want, we wonder where they went and what they're doing.

There is that part of me that is still hoping he finally got it, finally realized he had this problem. That's just silly, for me to continue hoping that is the case. But once in a while I find myself still thinking that way. I just want him to be happy and healthy. Perhaps my definition if that doesn't fit his, but either way, it would be nice to know that he is happy. Or would that make it worse, realizing he is happy without me? What would that do to my psyche? Ha, what a mess, right?

No matter what he has going on, if he finally "got it", and quit drinking, went to therapy, started a program, whatever, it doesn't matter to me right now. I think about it this way: If i got information about him, how he was doing, what he was doing, what would I do with that info? Would it make me go back to him if he were doing well? Would I call him if he were doing poorly? No, on both counts. Nothing is going to change as far as the decisions I have made, I don't want to get back into contact, don't want to go back to him. Even if I wanted to risk getting involved with someone recovering from an addiction (i've already vowed not to, it's just too risky for me), but if I decided to do it, it would have to be years and years of recovery before I would entertain the idea. So finding out anything about anything right now is a complete waste of time and mental space for me.

Basically, i'm bored, and lonely. Living in a new town, no friends yet, an okay but not great job, financially strapped, and wear the same clothes every week because I haven't been back to SC to pick up any more stuff, can't afford to make the trip yet. These types of circumstances are bound to put some bad ideas in my head, and one of them is contemplating checking up on the ex. Hungry, Angry, Lonely, and Tired... all opportunities for me to lose my serenity.

Stay strong, and keep focusing on you, instead of him. Unless you plan to do something with the information you may receive, I would think twice about looking for it.

hwsm

Thanks. You're reading my mind. What's really weird is your Erica Jong quote about advice - I was trying and trying to remember how that went today. Wouldn't come to me. I just soooo want him to get help. If I knew he was getting help, I wouldn't run back to him, but would hold on to an ever-so-slight hope that one day (far in the future, after much work) we could be a couple again. He wasn't a bad guy. If I found out he was worse and spiraling downward - that would reassure me that I made the right decision and even losing "the love of his life, his soul mate" would not help him.

I did send a text to a friend, asking how he was. Haven't heard anything back. I know - pathetic.

I hope you get situated soon and make new friends. You seem to have a very good head on your shoulders and a positive attitude. Thank you. Very inspiring. Hang in there girl!

**{hugs}}

groomer1

hwsm, I know how badly you want to know what he is doing and if he is okay. I told my XABF in a text, "Whenever you are tired, and you have had enough, and you want to tell it all to me, I am here." It was my way of saying, when you hit rock bottom, give me a jingle. Well, my phone isn't jingling, so you know what that means. We want to believe they are realizing what they lost and will want to change, but to quote my therapist, "If he had the presence of mind to behave in this fashion, you would not be here."

Here is a quote from Courage to Change in AlAnon: "It is necessary to look at the whole picture to make realistic choices and stop setting ourselves up for disappointment. We adapted by taking whatever part of reality suited us and ignoring the rest. Again and again, we were devastated because reality didn't go away just because it was ignored. Our lives will remain unmanageable as long as we pretend only half the truth is real. When we allow ourselves to face certain facts and confront them, we cease to give our own denial the power to devastate us at every turn."

Every day, you will be better, better, better..hugs to you..

TakingCharge999

Hugs dear hwsm.

Thank you for your kind words.
You are in a good place here in SR. And my words are kind yes but they are also true. I am not saying "oh it will get better" so you feel better. IT REALLY DOES GET SO MUCH BETTER IN WAYS YOU CAN'T IMAGINE RIGHT NOW!! HANG IN THERE!! YOU CAN DO THIS.


I haven't seen him in 3 1/2 weeks.
You are doing so much better than how I was doing after a month of No contact. To me it has taken almost 3 years and I am not done 100% yet. Guess am a slow learner lol.
You can love him and miss him and cry all day. Just keep No contact as if your life depended on it. It does. I have read so many stories and have seen so many people (I rent a place to my therapist, go figure) that go back, then come back to SR and come back to group therapy months later, even more destroyed than before.

Time+inner work+sharing with people that love you and/or get you= a happier hwsm


He always "quacked" in the past, sent long rambling emails, text messages that went from one extreme to the other.
XABF was also kind and loving then turned to a monster. Then cried all night saying how much he had gone through with her mom's death and how I was the only woman for him. Then he was a total jerk. It is the cycle of abuse. We call this "Jekyll and Hyde syndrome". You can't get Jekyll only. It comes with Hyde. And Hyde is unacceptable.


I don't get it. I feel like he's probably gone way south or maybe he's seeing a professional who told him not to contact me? I don't know. The not knowing is hardest. I feel like maybe we should have sat down and said goodbye, this is it. Some type of closure.

Oh I tried this, but you see this is like "I will just have one more drink". "If only I saw him one last time". And its never enough.
Your tears now are a step towards closure.
Anger, resentment, sadness, are steps towards closure.
Acceptance is closure.
You can get closure, its all up to you. You don't need him to get it. You can be at peace. I can tell you more about this if you wish, (some techniques I have learned in therapy and books)


I will look for those books.
I hope you do! the Grief club was the one who helped me most in the early stages... there is a chapter dedicated to the loss of an alcoholic.


I looked up the meeting times and places again but just starting crying. I can't believe that my life has come to this.
Awww... well, it IS like this now... but it won't be like this forever!! an end is also a beginning. I don't know if you are a believer but I have a lot of faith and I know even if things hurt, its all for the best, even if it takes years to get this perspective. And what about your son, if your XABF stayed around, perhaps your son would have started picking up the drink too thinking its OK. Maybe you are being spared a lot of pain that would have been in store if XABF had stayed with you.

It's sooo not how thought it was going to turn out. All our plans for the future; just gone now.
Its difficult to let go of dreams but it gets easier once life passes and you live better things in real life. Life happens where you are and in this moment... we cannot cling to the future, we will suffer; we cannot live in the past (I lived in the past all my life!! NOT a good way to live!!!)
We can only take decisions based in the present observations and options. The XABF in his worst moments? thats who he decides to be now. That was all you got. Was that enough? was that OK. was that peaceful to you?

I'm trying to remember the bad moments and deal breakers. The smell that made me want to puke, that I knew was liquor on his breath. I went back and read emails I sent to a friend a year ago when I first suspected he had a problem with alcohol.
Good. Keep it up. Make a list and have it handy. Read it often.

What's really crazy is that the XABF told me that in his 13 years of sobriety, he was the head of his AA group, helped a lot of young people, and organized dances and stuff. He showed me all his literature and coins. He told me that if anyone knew how to quit - it was him. Nutty, huh?

That is the thing with addiction, there are no guarantees. Any day can be the day. Any moment can be the moment where they relapse. I personally would not be able to relax. Although I did not face this situation as the addict I knew is still active and denying any issue.

I knew I needed to talk to someone when I not only thought about ending my life, but exactly how I would do it. That really scared me.

I also thought about it and I also was making plans and was about to buy a gun. How scary. Those are gut level responses - I am so glad you are back here and being brave and facing this. I believe..that coming from such places, makes you love life very intensely, when mourning has passed or lessened. You are forever changed. You realize how strong you are.

I would never ever go back to feeling so low and miserable. Mourning an alkie was the most difficult thing I ever did. No one should have to go through it.

I love life now even when it sucks often. You will love life once again I am sure. All this will be a passing memory. All this will bring you thoughts like "OMG, I am so glad all that is over". Remember, I am you 2 years later so you have to believe me. Believe me!!

Right now I'm taking college classes to try and get a nursing degree. My baby will graduate from high school in two years and I need something to do!

I know how difficult is to concentrate but I hope you make efforts to keep on with your studies, I almost quit my job and am so glad I kept it even when I was a zombie for many many weeks... good for you for getting a degree!!


You are very inspirational.
Aww.. thanks... well, just giving back what was given to me when I arrived. SR was a lifeline, you are in a great place for healing...


Even though I can't imagine it right now, I'm so hoping to get to a better place and take better care of me. I'm not sure I'll ever be able to put my heart out there again.

You are already on your way to getting to a better place.
And no, I hope you don't ever put your heart out there FOR SOMEONE WHO WON'T, or CAN'T, SEE ITS VALUE...


I hate to sound dumb, but what is the HALT rule?
To scan yourself often, if you are
Hungry
Angry
Lonely
Tired

Your goal is not to be any one of these things, get the 4 covered at the same time!! I'll bump a thread where you can post how you are feeling RE HALT...



I wrote him a letter and mailed it but got no reply - yet. Like I said, I'm ewas hoping that he would repeat the same stupid stuff and blame everyone else around him. It would make letting go so much easier, knowing I did the right thing.

He already did stupid stuff and blamed everyone else. Why would he have changed in a month?

I continued working with XABF, been 2.5 years or so. He is THE SAME person. THE SAME. NOTHING has changed. So don't torture yourself thinking XABF is someone different. Leave the magic to Chris Angel. Trust what you experienced.

No one changes by magic without consistent efforts, actions and raw honesty.

Thank you again. Your compassionate words mean so much to me right now.
I am glad you are in SR. You will feel so much better, but No Contact is paramount. You have already gone through the first weeks, it gets easier. Distance will bring you clarity...

More hugs!!