One ‘slip’ turned into full relapse
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Ireland
Posts: 59
One ‘slip’ turned into full relapse
After 42 days there was one night, no reason of course, there isn’t is there.
It seems so sad to have watched the recovering healthy person fall so far back in 10 days. This lovely person had come to life and blossomed like a flower, she is now once more the agitated self pitying sorry soul.
It is also heartbreaking to see my 16 year old Daughter who had just opened up in love to her mother, after years, clamming shut once again.
Today’s Courage to Change says “you’ll have to learn to make it whether the alcoholic does or not”. I had accepted that a couple of times before but probably pushed that away when she showed some recovery.
My early recovery was pure Al-Anon based. I felt no responsibility to fix her and I knew I did not cause it, can’t control it and can’t cure it. I then read Debra Jay’s book where she says yes Al-Anon is great but it should not be an excuse for inaction. Detach but do not create an environment where the alcoholic can simply fall apart on their own. She says this has too wide an impact in the family to completely let go.
Her thing is Intervention which she feels is not necessarily contrary to the basic tenets of Al-Anon. Anyway this greyed some of my Al-Anon thinking and has caused me distress as I perhaps do then take on some sense of responsibility. The book should carry a health warning for co-dependents!
Anyhow any "intervening" had already taken place well before the book came my way. My wife had been in two residential treatments, bounced in and out of at least one more.
Oddly she eventually found her 42 days off her own bat, right after me and the girls took off on business trip for two weeks. Maybe she was a ticking bomb as Cyrano would put it, no real programme, surfing SR, sometimes posting in the Alcoholics and Newcomers forums. I never read them but in one she told me she posted “For the first time I think I can actually do it”.
In the spirit of tradition 5 I am encouraging her to get more support, she says she will check out Life Ring (thanks Kitty P) but it may be just to appease me but I hope not. Hope she can hold onto some of what she had those 42 days.
Tonight she is on night 3 of drinking and me and my lovely girls are safely 20 miles away. We are together and putting on a brave face, but fairly heartbroken after the little taste of a happy family blew up in our face. We are keeping busy with summer activities.
My wife has developed so much self awareness around her illness. She talks openly and matter-of-factly about being an alcoholic, and knows and admits that and that alone is the only reason she drinks. She will tell me I do not impact whether she drinks or not: so much learning and work done on her part.
That same person tells me now she "needs" me and the girls at home. She won't come out and say it but she means, so she can "get sober". She knows I don't buy that but it caused me pain to leave her forlornly at our old home this evening
I do love her and hope something will come up, but for now, at the moment for her, I have done as much as I can do, I think.
Thanks for listening.
It seems so sad to have watched the recovering healthy person fall so far back in 10 days. This lovely person had come to life and blossomed like a flower, she is now once more the agitated self pitying sorry soul.
It is also heartbreaking to see my 16 year old Daughter who had just opened up in love to her mother, after years, clamming shut once again.
Today’s Courage to Change says “you’ll have to learn to make it whether the alcoholic does or not”. I had accepted that a couple of times before but probably pushed that away when she showed some recovery.
My early recovery was pure Al-Anon based. I felt no responsibility to fix her and I knew I did not cause it, can’t control it and can’t cure it. I then read Debra Jay’s book where she says yes Al-Anon is great but it should not be an excuse for inaction. Detach but do not create an environment where the alcoholic can simply fall apart on their own. She says this has too wide an impact in the family to completely let go.
Her thing is Intervention which she feels is not necessarily contrary to the basic tenets of Al-Anon. Anyway this greyed some of my Al-Anon thinking and has caused me distress as I perhaps do then take on some sense of responsibility. The book should carry a health warning for co-dependents!
Anyhow any "intervening" had already taken place well before the book came my way. My wife had been in two residential treatments, bounced in and out of at least one more.
Oddly she eventually found her 42 days off her own bat, right after me and the girls took off on business trip for two weeks. Maybe she was a ticking bomb as Cyrano would put it, no real programme, surfing SR, sometimes posting in the Alcoholics and Newcomers forums. I never read them but in one she told me she posted “For the first time I think I can actually do it”.
In the spirit of tradition 5 I am encouraging her to get more support, she says she will check out Life Ring (thanks Kitty P) but it may be just to appease me but I hope not. Hope she can hold onto some of what she had those 42 days.
Tonight she is on night 3 of drinking and me and my lovely girls are safely 20 miles away. We are together and putting on a brave face, but fairly heartbroken after the little taste of a happy family blew up in our face. We are keeping busy with summer activities.
My wife has developed so much self awareness around her illness. She talks openly and matter-of-factly about being an alcoholic, and knows and admits that and that alone is the only reason she drinks. She will tell me I do not impact whether she drinks or not: so much learning and work done on her part.
That same person tells me now she "needs" me and the girls at home. She won't come out and say it but she means, so she can "get sober". She knows I don't buy that but it caused me pain to leave her forlornly at our old home this evening
I do love her and hope something will come up, but for now, at the moment for her, I have done as much as I can do, I think.
Thanks for listening.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: CA
Posts: 428
It really is heartbreaking. It appears my AH made it to about day 55ish and is now back in full relapse again. Last weekend I could feel it coming, signs were there and the familiar smell and reclusive and irritated behavior came. Last night in the middle of our daughters birthday party he proceeded to drink a lot (of course all of it sneaking). He didn't eat dinner with us, stayed away for the most part and went to bed early. Our room was filled with the smell of beer pouring out of him when I went up later. Today I am thankful for the progress in my recovery. I was able to still enjoy my daughter's party and today not be upset or angry. I have to admit however on some level I am still disappointed. I really hate where our marriage is at and feel at a loss on what if anything I should be doing for my and our kids future. We were talking about going back to marriage counseling, but now I just see it as pointless. Thank you for sharing today's Courage to Change. I had not yet picked it up. I needed to be reminded of it.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 3,095
I'm sorry for you and your daughters... I think that anyone, no matter how involved in your own recovery, would feel saddened/let down by having that glimpse of the family you all could be and then having relapse come into play... Maybe there are those who are able to stay wholly detached from it and remain in the r/s. I finally realized I am not one of them. It hurt too much each time I found myself in your shoes and I will keep you and your D's in my thoughts tonight...
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Sending prayers and positive thoughts to you tonight...
I heard a speaker at an open AA meeting talking of a relapse he had at almost 20 years sober. He thought that so much time had passed, maybe he could go back to an occasional drink. He had one, and then wakes up several days later in a room full of empty bottles. He was baffled by the power of the addiction after so much time. But he had the teachings in AA to help pull him out of the relapse and back to sobriety.
Maybe your wife will have the same experience. Stay strong!
I heard a speaker at an open AA meeting talking of a relapse he had at almost 20 years sober. He thought that so much time had passed, maybe he could go back to an occasional drink. He had one, and then wakes up several days later in a room full of empty bottles. He was baffled by the power of the addiction after so much time. But he had the teachings in AA to help pull him out of the relapse and back to sobriety.
Maybe your wife will have the same experience. Stay strong!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: The Sunny South
Posts: 1,666
Thank you for sharing what you and your daughters are experiencing.
I am sorry that you all have to experience the rug being ripped out from under you once again.
This is a reminder of how powerful this disease is. I remember all too well my relapse almost two years ago, and the hurt I inflicted upon my family, especially my 15 year old daughter.
Wishing you all the best...
I am sorry that you all have to experience the rug being ripped out from under you once again.
This is a reminder of how powerful this disease is. I remember all too well my relapse almost two years ago, and the hurt I inflicted upon my family, especially my 15 year old daughter.
Wishing you all the best...
Member
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 62
I'm so sorry. Your situation sounds terribly familiar. Every time my husband relapsed, I felt so disappointed because I had seen what we could have. I had never known him before the alcoholism and when I finally discovered ot, lots clicked into place. I realized that so much of his behavior was due to drinking so it broke my heart to see those things that bothered me go away and then come back again. Right now the only thing that I can say is that I am living day by day and grateful for those days when he is sober. I have heard someone comPare alcoholism with cancer. They are both diseases and you would not get upset at someone whose behavior was affected by cancer. It does sound like your wife is trying. It may take her a while to get to sobriety. My thoughts are with you. Stay strong.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: Tennessee
Posts: 255
I can relate. Even though my own AW won't admit she has a problem, she has occasionally stopped drinking for periods of time, and I let myself get optimistic the first few times.
After she fell and broke her ankle while drunk, she stopped for a couple of months, and my daughter and I thought maybe the fall had gotten her attention. It proved to be a false hope, however; as soon as she was able to drive again, she went to the liquor store.
It is heartbreaking, and maddening... and detaching carries great potential for guilt, as you have indicated.
I hope your wife finds her way back. Best of luck to you and your family.
After she fell and broke her ankle while drunk, she stopped for a couple of months, and my daughter and I thought maybe the fall had gotten her attention. It proved to be a false hope, however; as soon as she was able to drive again, she went to the liquor store.
It is heartbreaking, and maddening... and detaching carries great potential for guilt, as you have indicated.
I hope your wife finds her way back. Best of luck to you and your family.
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