wpainterw

Insanity has been defined as repeating over and over behavior which inevitably leads to disastrous consequences. So it is with the insanity of alcoholism. When I think over the countless times I suffered a relapse, despite previous occasions when resuming drinking had always been disastrous, I continue to wonder just what, if anything, was going through my mind. Often there was a so called “trigger”. AA literature refers to “HALT” (hungry, angry, lonely or tired), but this does not exhaust other possibilities, such as “exuberant” (“I’ve done such a splendid job on that that I deserve a little reward!”). And absence of a “control” (such as a spouse who suddenly has to go away for a short while) can be a powerful factor. At least I know it was for me.
But sometimes the drinking would resume even without a “trigger”. I could be attending some social function and, seeing all the others happily drinking, it might be as if I were hearing a hidden voice, “What if....?” or “Do you suppose that I could have just one and stop...” And then I might have “just one” and (wonder of wonders!) I might just “stop” --for awhile. The “next time” might be a few days, or even a week or so, later: “‘What if’ worked back then. Do you suppose it might work again?” Perhaps two drinks and then stop. The slippery slope. And the slope steepened rapidly and, with time, the inevitable crash.
It was as if somewhere, perhaps down in the more primitive parts of my brain, there was a small, angry, crying child, deprived of its bottle. Open the door just a crack and the child stuck its arm out, making it difficult or impossible to close the door again and then pushing with all its weight to widen the crack more and more until eventually the door to disaster stood wide open. Was it a child or was it perhaps an angry demon? All I know is that it came out to plague me time and time again. I know it’s still there, pent up in its little cage, deprived of alcohol for 23 years, hopefully weakened now, but still highly dangerous.
How is it with you? Do you have an angry child within, or, perhaps, a demon?

Terminally Unique

Oh, the little b****** is still in there alright, but it is only dangerous if I let it out. I sentenced it to life without parole, though. Poor thing.

yeahgr8

Its old behaviour...sometimes we don't see it coming because we think we will see it coming ourselves...

A relapse has very little to do with taking a drink, that's the full stop to the sentence, there has to be a pattern of old behaviour beforehand...only way to spot the old behaviour for most is to be accountable to another person who will be able to see what we can't and give us the heads up...

Obviously the further anyone gets away from old behaviour the easier it is to spot when it tries to manifest again, e.g. guy of 9 years i knew went to AA meetings for 4 months before drinking angry and resentful about a health scare, his business, his house etc etc...he was warned numerous times about it then drank...he relapsed months before the drink!

Englishrose70

wpainterw amazing post so articulate and bang on the money.

Supercrew

I felt like I had that demon for a long time, but since realizing I get nothing out of 2 or 3 drinks, and knowing the next detox would be worst than the last the little demon disappeared. The thought of drinking alcohol in any amount just isn't there anymore for me. Maybe I am lucky I had such a bad experience during my last detox and I know that if I started up again I would eventually end up there again. It's just not an option.

wpainterw

At times I wonder at the courage it takes to face not the dangers which come from without but those which lie within.

W.

wpainterw

Yes Yeahgr8: Often others can give a warning. It is wise to listen to them. But I cannot say from experience that relapses "always" start weeks or even months before the actual drink. I know that that is standard AA teaching but it may be an oversimplification. At times relapses come suddenly, blindsiding the person, emerging from some instant impulse, perhaps sudden anger at some remark, some sudden tragedy, an astonishing success. The inner urge to drink remains within, leashed and growling softly to itself. It can spring without warning, without having been spotted by any friend or advisor. The greatest courage is to understand it, to know its nature and to anticipate its astonishing power.

W.

Soberpotamus

It does seem that I was never in more danger at any time in my life than when I was drinking and in that drinking mindset. It was a potential death grip.

And all the time spent worrying about something awful happening in the near future... sometimes things did happen, but most times they didn't. But by drinking the way I did... being slave to alcohol the way I was... I was almost guaranteeing a dangerous life for myself.

sobermax

Painfully accurate W. Thanks.

wpainterw

Yes, Jennie, it is what the first doctor I ever went to said it was. He had a practice in New York on upper fifth avenue. He seemed oddly qualified to talk about alcohol, since he gave me an "open" prescription for chloral hydrate in liquid form (perpetually renewable, which was permitted in those days). I became addicted to that too for several years But, despite his deficiencies in treatment he did tell me one true thing, "You are, " he said, "your own worst enemy." So it was and so I was. I have had a divided self. and, as you said of yourself, it became a kind of slavery, horrible because it was self imposed. If this continues it becomes the true nightmare, the true terror. It has been a long, long path back to what I was but what I might have been is lost forever. May we learn to understand and to forgive not only others but ourselves.

W.

LaFemme

I don't know...I only have a year and have never really relapsed...every once in awhile the voice of a stranger asks me if I wouldn't like to drink...I figuratively roll my eyes and ignore it.

Who knows what the future holds but I figure as long as I continually work on my life I have no reason to kill myself with alcohol.

Soberpotamus

Terminally Unique

I would argue that even if you don't continually work on your life, you still have no reason to kill yourself with alcohol. :-)

Congrats on one year, BTW!

Adisa1101

painter,
wow. very well said my friend. i relate to this child inside. for me it seems to be longing for validation. and drinking gave that to me; or so i thought. but when the situation arises, i feel that inside of me. somewhere at the end of a long, dark tunnel, there are screams of rage, regret; and about a million more bottled emotions. thanks for sharing such a deep thought. inspiring.

ETA

Thanks, I need to read this tonight.

Though your other post about the sudden/blindside of a relapse scares me... Like I will never get to relax and just live.

littlefish

Great post painter. There is clearly an angry little girl inside me. I didn't know she was there until the clouds cleared up and the rain of alcohol slowly went away. I didn't know how much she ruled my life. I used to laugh at self help books thinking, (when I was drinking) that, oh, well, I am perfect, why do I need self help? I am perfect in every way.
Now I can't get enough of self help books....it is just a part of trying to be healthy. I will never be normal. I know that. But I can try to be healthy....

keithj

No. I've recovered as the result of a spiritual awakening from taking AA's 12 Steps. Those lingering thoughts, those triggers, those 'choices' of not drinking, simply don't exist for me.

AA's literature doesn't talk about HALT. Those are efforts at controlling my own abstinence. I don't do that. The method of controlling my drinking that failed the most was my efforts at not drinking. It's another way of using my own power to overcome alcohol, and I could never pull that off. HALT is great stuff for those that have the power to control their drinking. That's just not me.

1undone

My "angry child" is there for a reason and needs to be listened to for a little while. Maybe that child holds the reasons for my discontent. Maybe not.

Boleo

That match's my experience when I was stuck in a relapse cycle. I had a sponsor who would take me to 5 meetings a day, drop me off at my house, chat with me for an hour in the car, watch me go into my house, call me a half hour later and ask me how I was doing.

Then, out of the blue, I would start to climb into bed and realize I could not sleep without a drink. Off to the liquor store and then drinking within seconds of getting back into my car. I would estimate that the urge to drink came up within 5 minutes of swearing I would not drink.

Now that I have experienced a spiritual awakening, I realize decisions, choices and consequences played little if any role in any of it. My sobriety is only a by-product of my being spiritually fit. I don't choose to stay sober. I don't decide not to drink. I don't even try to manage my sobriety in any way, shape or form. That is the miracle of it.

wpainterw

ETA: My experience is that if you persist in maintaining sobriety, there will come a time when you do indeed "get to relax" a bit, but never let down your guard. What it takes, or at least took me, was working some kind of program, going to meetings (they don't necessarily have to be AA) and trying to sense your own vulnerabilities, like I know mine are trying to be too obsessive-compulsive, too perfectionist, too impatient, wanting results now instead of being content to wait for the long pull. "I want it right now" says the little kid inside, and he doesn't necessarily mean alcohol. He means he wants the world outside to cater to his needs. In a rehab I was in once they referred to this as "spoon banging", like a kid in a highchair who starts throwing the breakfast cereal against the wall.
So it's not just about alcohol. It's about coming to understand the primitive part of the brain. Actually, it's about dog training. It's as if, within yourself, you have a rather angry, untrained dog, an unhappy dog and at times a very dangerous dog. How do you start? First you put that dog on a leash. Then you come to understand it, come to forgive its failings, and ultimately (you hope) the dog gradually matures and adapts to a more civilized view of things. It takes work. Insight, skill. It takes a program of some sort. Other dog trainers may help and offer insights.

W.