Mush

Hi to everyone I am new to this site & so glad that I have found it :-). I am on day 73 without the demon alcohol, which is unbelievable, I have managed 28 days once before in the last 20 years!! So I am proud of myself but I feel like I am on a rollercoaster.

I don't think I was physically addicted (but if I had carried on I am sure I would have ended up being) BUT I know I was psychologically adiccted & this I think is where I am having problems? I would say the first 3 weeks I found quite easy in fact I was on cloud 9. I was sleeping better than I have ever done and as someone who has suffered from insomnia & night terrors most of her adult life this was a miracle! I had energy, I was appreciating things arround me and smiling. I don't mix with people very much, I am most of the time quite happy in my own company with my animals (with or without alcohol) I am not sure if I have done this to myself? It is only now that I have started questioning things/everything. I am rambling - sorry. To get to the point - I am constantly thinking about drink, NOT wanting to drink but how am I going to cope without it. I recently went out with a friend and I realised that I have not been to any social event without alcohol and I am scared how am I going to cope. The night I went out was nice but I am being honest it wasn't the same, she also that night didn't drink & she said "it's not quite how it used to be" Everyone that I know nows the drinking me who is lively, confident & talkative take away alcohol & I can't string a sentence together. I feel like I am never going to be able to let my hair down or relax in company again. I know that sounds dramatic but its how I am feeling. I was supposed to have gone away last week for 5 days with my husband but I backed out because we have been for the last 5 years it just involves drinking & lots of it I felt safer not going I don't know if this was the right decision but i feel it would have been too much of a temptation whilst I am feeling like this. Does it get better??? I feel very flat and anxious. BTW I am on antidepressants and see my GP on a regular basis but I feel this anxiety is related to drink, I just need to somehow get it sorted out in my head. I have been to a few AA meetings but backed out of that because I didn't feel I could share and felt really uncomfortable but I do like the idea of AA & it would be a good way to meet new peolple because I guess I have shut myself off.
Heck am sorry for the long post - do feel better getting that off my chest actually.
Any advice would be really appreciated

Dee74

Hi Mush

Welcome

I drank for so long I had to relearn how to relate to people and how to be sociable sober from scratch.

I find now I'm a lot quieter than I used to be - but I'm happy....and I'm content with everything because that's the real me....I'm comfortable with that.

it's been 73 days and that's great but if you're like me you drank for years - maybe you need to give yourself a chance to learn new skills?

D

Hevyn

Welcome Mush! I agree with Dee - it truly is like learning to live again when we first start out. I relied on alcohol to help me with shyness & anxiety - so I never really dealt with my issues - just masked them.

I remember feeling like an alien in the beginning - the world was a strange place without my "buffer". I didn't want to give up going to all the places I used to go, but when I went I was very emotional and resentful. I think in the early days we just have to be kind & patient with ourselves. I went through many phases, & grew stronger as I moved through each one. You will too! Yes, it DOES get better - promise.

nm1212

I'm not sure I have any advice because I'm still a newbie. All I can say it's apparent to me now that my mind is clear that I was using alcohol to chill the **** out. I'm exercising again, taking a Master's level course in my field, and doing everything right but I still feel like I'm not doing anything with myself. This tendency to feel deficient or full of anxiety has been historically dangerous for me. Couple that with normal stressors and booze is always lurking. I don't crave it, but I can sense my mind wants it as an option to cope with life.

I guess we just have to embrace the fact that alcohol doesn't help you cope. Ever. It just ***** everything up. We have to embrace the suck, and make it work for us. Eventually I'm hoping we replace alcohol with true life skills because we know, WE KNOW, that booze really isn't an option for us.

Boleo

Does life get better - not really, life's challenges are always with us.

Do our emotions get better - yes, but it takes more than just calendar days. It takes practice. Specifically the practice of spiritual principles.

One the the things I had to learn was "There is more to quitting drinking than quitting drinking".

Marcusk87

When I drank a big problem was how I felt in my own skim/ around people. I needed it to numb myself. I am sober about three years and I stumbled upon your post because I googled "sober recovery I just dont feel right". I could go on for an hour about the uncomfortably I have had being sober, but I have a fighthing chance at a happy, joyous, free life with my sobriety. I get lightwning bolts of anxiety, fear and terror walking into meetings. I have started seeing a therapist and it helps these issues, but when I saw a therapist while not sober I couldnt actually practice any of the things they told me to do. On the wall of one of the meetings I've been to there is a picture frame and in it is a humorous "prescription" to soberiety written by Dr. Bob. It says clean house, trust god, and help others. And although these things are bad sometimes, they do get better and better as long as I keep humble and active and thinking about my role defined by my higher power. Please stay, one day at a time, this is a gift and pain is growth.

Mark75

Of course I felt like that, almost exactly. Obsessing about the drink is almost universal for alcoholics who quit drinking... It is one of the defining characteristics. I had that for a while, it sucks.

It does get better, much better. In fact, I do not obsess about it anymore at all... Sure it crosses my mind at times, but it has lost it's power and no longer defines my experience in whatever I do...

You are open to AA... Great, I found the antidote there. It isn't just the social part that will relieve you of that obsession... It is the spiritual journey through the steps where you'll leave all that behind.

As far as the whole having fun, doing things with others, all that... Have faith that that will work out for you... Just try to put the angst aside, trust the process. You will be fine.

SSIL75

I didn't know how to explain it but this is what I was trying to say. This time I have managed to stay sober I think in part because I identified the 'all life revolves around alcohol! I don't know how to live without alcohol!' as a symptom of alcoholism and nothing more. That doesn't mean it's not significant or troublesome or anything. But I managed to talk myself off the ledge by telling myself calmly "you feel this way because you're an alcoholic. In time that'll pass". And it did.

wpainterw

Hi Mush. My own experience was somewhat like yours. Giving up drinking led to some changes in my social life but my drinking had got to the point that I really had to stop and, when the only other alternative was dying or something equally horrible then I just had to put the social life on the back burner for awhile and avoid functions or people where there was a lot of drinking. Few of us are heroes or heroines enough to risk standing around and seeing others drink and having to white knuckle and having folks call your attention to the fact that you're not drinking. Well, anyway, as time went on it got better and now it really doesn't bother me. I go to parties or have people over and actually mix drinks for them and I can totally live with that.
So my reaction to the place you're in is to cool it on social events and such until you feel more comfortable. Focus on not drinking as a No. 1 priority and time will be on your side. Eventually it will get better and you can develop your own lifestyle. Form friendships at AA if you want and as they say live one day at a time. Hang in there like a bulldog with not drinking, work whatever program you find that works for you and time, your ultimate weapon, will become your greatest friend.

W.

SASA

I am entering 6 month now without booze and a little over 1 year of recovery with relapses. During this journey I still feel the wish to drinking to get my brain shut off from thinking. There is no week that I don't think of drinking, but I also think then of the consequences that drinking caused me and the hell I lived in due to my drinking. Life situations etc will always be a challenge. Every time you think you made it there is a curve ball. However how I react to these things is different now. Before I would drink and try to forget, not fixing anything. Now I am thinking how to fix them and take action. I am more at peace with myself and if something does not work out, I know I did the best thing possible and that it is okay. (Still always feel like booze is looking and lurking just to come back into my life)

LovesToTravel

I remember a few of my first social gatherings without alcohol. I thought that people would notice that I wasn't drinking..ect. What I did notice is that I was still me and could actually have a good time without drinking and I could remember what was said and that I liked myself and that I was not such a bad person to hang with. I don't need the alchol to have fun. It will get better...hang in there you are doing great!

Reset

It's hard to explain, but at 73 days...at the time it felt like a while but now I realize that the whole process can take a really long time. I have 6 months I'm just now realizing how long the process can take. But life does get progressively better each week that passes.

Not downplaying your progress, 73 days is great, but just be patient. Stay focused on the really important things, and the answers to a lot of this stuff will reveal themselves over time.

I wouldn't feel compelled to go out much if you're feeling anxious about it. Why force things? Get comfortable with your new self first.