pacificsunrise

Hello everyone. Long time no posts from me. Sorry! I have been checking in here and there and reading, but didn't really post myself, partly b/c there is nothing new to report and partly b/c i still don't have a computer at home.

anyways,
i wanted to thank everyone for keeping up w/ me so far. as some of you may know it has now been 4 months since i left w/ my kids b/c of my husbands cocaine use.

since, i have gotten no acknowledgment of the actual problem, but instead got blamed for splitting the family, leaving him, taking the kids away, having a mental illnesses, etc., etc.

and by now, i'm just drained of it all. i am tired of constant accusations. i am tired of being blamed for everything. the most recent rampage by my AH is about the kids and him not seeing them in 4 months or talking to them on the phone. i know that the kids do miss him (well the 4 yr old anyway), but i am not sure what to do.

back in april, my lawyer has send him a letter addressing the issue of kids, urging him to come and have a meeting so we can work something out. we had a date and time set and then my AH canceled the day before saying that he wanted to find a lawyer first. which was ok and understandable. however, since he made no effort to do so or to contact my lawyer. instead, he chooses to send me texts and to call me, letting me know how wrong i am and how i'm hurting him and the kids, and so on.

and frankly, i do feel guilty about him not seeing the kids. i am not sure what am i guilty of, but i do feel bad that he hasn't seen them or talked to them in a while.

what do you guys think that i should do?

the kids are doing good and they don't seem overly disturbed by the distance. my 4 yr old girl does bring him up often and says that she misses him.

last year when we were separated for about 1 mth, i did let him see the kids. i would bring them over to where he lived and we would spend some time together, but this time i am not so sure. even then it seemed that i had to make an effort to accomodate his schedule (which consisted of hanging out with his drug buddies and running his errands, whatever they were).

also, his side of the family is an issue b/c they haven't seen the kids since i left. i wouldn't mind them so much, has it not been for a "nasty" message from his mom back in april, letting me know how they support him 100% and if i don't let him see the kids, she will see me in court. his parents knew about his drug use since last november, b/c he admitted it to them when i was present, and i told her my reason for leaving. not to mention the fact that not one time anyone from his side of the family has actually contacted me in order to spend any time w/ the kids. i guess they also expect me to cater to their expectations.

i'm sorry this post is so long, i just haven't had a chance to vent in a very long time. thank you all for reading it so far.

anyways, i just wanted some reassurance that i was ok in not making efforts to accomodate his wishes to see the kids, when in reality he didn't really do anything to make it possible for himself.

i just feel so bad, b/c it seems so cruel toward him, but i am not sure what else to do. thank you guys so much.

hugs and prayers.

pacificsunrise

Thank you Cynical One,

i really needed that. i know that the answer is no, i just need to be reminded about a hundred times a day. so 1 down and 99 to go. lol.

thank you so much.

laurie6781

Prayers going out for you and your children.

I hope you have 'saved' all the text messages and emails, and have given a copy to your attorney.

Since he absolutely refused the meeting to try and arbitrate some of the issues, visitation being one of the biggest, it may be time to go to the next step in your state and get a legal separation or divorce with 'child support' and 'visitation' addressed by the court. I would hope also, that you go for 'supervised' visitation.

He is doing the usual QUACKING and has his family manipulated to also QUACK and try and manipulate also. The big baby wants his way and somebody to take care of their lives so that they can continue their addiction behaviors.

I think you are moving forward in a healthy way for you and your children.

Please keep posting and let us know how YOU are doing as we do care very much. Just remember we are with you in spirit at all times.

Love and hugs,

Kindeyes

I'm sorry that you are dealing with this.....it is really hard. You're just trying to do what is best for the kids. Unfortunately, the Dad (and his family) aren't seeing the picture in a healthy manner. Their thoughts are selfishly motivated and not in the best interest of the children.

Stay grounded. Breathe. You and your children will be in my prayers.

gentle hugs
ke

outtolunch

I support your resolve to protect your children. Seeing the kids is all about him and sustaining his fantasy that he's the good dad.

Is he making a meaningful financial contribution to support his children

pacificsunrise

thank you all so much for taking the time to read my post and to give me some positive input. i do feel somewhat better. as of right now, i haven't heard from my husband for 5 days. normally, i don't return his calls or texts anyways, but this has been the longest he hasn't sent me anything. i am not sure if that is good or bad, but it is kind of nice not to wake up to several negative texts.

anyways, i just wanted to thank you all for being there for me.
hugs and prayers.

pacificsunrise

outtolunch,

to answer your question, yes, he is paying child support as ordered by the state, since we don't have a separation agreement done as of yet. that, of course gives him even more reasons in his mind to feel entitled to see them.

thank you again for your response.

enablingwife

Girl...I feel your pain!!! I'm in the same boat you are, two little girls ages 3 and 5 and an addict husband/daddy. I'm amazed at how similar these stories are....so consistent.
I am in the process of leaving myself...just getting all of the finances and living arrangements in order currently. I'm sorry his family isn't helpful....when I tell my husband's family he has relapsed (AGAIN!) I know they will fully support my decision.
Addict are incredibly selfish by nature, they are no longer in control, the drug is. At least that's the case with my husband. The man I loved left me a long time ago.
I hope you can stay strong for those little ones, they'll be grateful later! I think the most important thing is that they know their daddy has a disease and it's NOT THEIR FAULT!!!
I feel bad too, but we are programmed to feel so by THEM! They are master manipulators and we are suckers for it! This is his monster, it doesn't have to be yours. Children need a strong, healthy, and CALM mother in life....which is YOU without HIM!
YOU CAN DO THIS!!!
BIG hugs to you!!!