Bombshell

Hi everyone,

I was hoping I could get your thoughts and advice on something I’m struggling with for this past while. Basically I’m having a real problem accepting that I’m an ‘alcoholic’. I look at my behaviour around alcohol and I know that it’s not normal, but I can always think of so many excuses to justify it. I keep debating with myself whether it’s just a bad habit or something more. I think I know it’s something more. I was hoping maybe someone could give me some insight or share some of their own experiences as to when they knew they really had a problem and how they admitted that to themselves.

My situation is that I drink alone, two bottles of wine (sometimes a bit more) maybe two or three times a week. I would drink more often if I could get away with it without anyone asking awkward questions, I hold my hands up and admit to that. I can go a few days without drinking, and I can go for one or two drinks with friends and then go home and go to sleep, but if I’m honest, I would always drink more if the opportunity presented itself. Lately it has become more and more of a challenge to me to go home and go to sleep without stopping off at the off-license for a little sneaky bottle of wine. I have started to always feel I want more, and this worries me because I used to be able to separate the ‘drinking with friends and that’s it’ side of me from the ‘going mad drinking alone’ side of me.

My real problem is that I can’t admit this is a problem. I read almost every day the stories here of how people accept they have a problem and act on it, and I feel I would love to know the relief they feel when they finally admit they have a problem and just can’t drink any more. But even though, in my rational mind, I know of course that my drinking patterns are not normal, I just can’t get it to click in my mind that I am an alcoholic. I actually wish I could, because then at least it would be cut and dried for me that I just can’t drink anymore, and the dilemma would stop. But there is something in my brain simply refusing to accept this.

I think it says it all that, right now, my brother whom I have not seen for four months because he lives overseas, and his new girlfriend who I’ve met for the first time tonight, are sitting up in our living room laughing and joking with the rest of the family, and I’m sitting down here in my room, pretending to be fake tanning for a wedding tomorrow, so that I can drink in peace. I’ve spent maybe half an hour with them since I’ve seen them. I love my brother and hardly ever see him, and I really like his girlfriend. But I have chosen alcohol over them. I know this is not right, some part of my brain knows it’s wrong. Yet I feel I have no choice but to drink; the alternative seems too boring and dull. This is what I’m used to now.

Sorry for the long post, whoever’s managed to read this far. My question is: Did any of you ever find yourselves in this dilemma? As in, when you rationally know that all the signs are pointing to you having a problem with alcohol, yet it’s impossible to admit this? And what finally made you open your eyes and accept it?

Thanks a million guys,

Anna

suki44883

It's called denial. Denial can be very strong, but it can also kill you. Whether you admit you are an alcoholic or not, it sure sounds like you are. Your brother is upstairs and you are downstairs drinking. You know this pretty much proves that you don't have control over alcohol. Many alcoholics can go days without drinking, or only have one or two for a short period of time, but at some point, they'll buy those two bottles of wine and sit downstairs alone, while their brother, whom they rarely see, is upstairs with the family.

MycoolFitz

Bombshell, it seems to me that this long post posted here under your title may answer your own question for you. We are our own mirrors we just don't always like our reflection. I can't advise you or answer your question for you but it seems like you may be having a problem. I do know from my personal experience and those of many others if you're not sure its a problem and keep going at some point in the future it may become painly clear, maybe not. Thanks for taking a look at yourself in relationship with alcohol and thanks for sharing. I hope whatever answer you come up with and decision you make will be the right one for you.

Soberpotamus

It took me a while to finally admit it had to stop. Your brain will do everything it can to hold onto the drinking. It wants the alcohol. You'll think of every imaginable rationalization to justify continuing drinking.

It took me going to jail twice for the same alcohol related charge (not actually charged and given 2 second chances, thank goodness), and just not doing some of the things in life I had always wanted for myself... travel & writing a novel to be published, etc. And finally, the kicker was my mom's death from a drug overdose. She was a lifelong alcoholic who'd tried before to kill herself by overdosing... all these things just added up in my mind and heart and I just knew I had to stop the madness.

Everyone goes through something a little different to get to that point... and you don't have to hit a rock bottom, per se... all it takes is for you to realize one day that you truly want a better quality of life and that if you keep rationalizing your drinking, you aren't going to have that life that you want so badly... it's truly a matter of life or death for some.

Death to me just happened to be a mediocre, "ok" existence... and as a child and young person I never wanted to just live an "ok" life... I realized that as an adult, by drinking... I'd lost that excitement and enthusiasm and it was just too much for me.

Anyway... that's my 2 cents worth

BunnyLoves

Hey, sweetie, you sound EXACTLY like me! I have gone down your road yrs before, and here I am AGAIN, only 6 days sober. This is the millionth time I have tried. I too ADORE wine, and giving it up felt like I killed my best friend. You may feel like it will feel that way for you, too. The thing is, alcohol will end up killing US in the end....it is no one's friend. ANY TIME you drink alone, especially in secret, it is a huge red flag. Please ask the Lord for the strength to quit. I am so glad I found this website, because I have ZERO girlfriends now, and I need to make friends with women who KNOW, who have been there, who will not judge me. So I wish you all the best!

Terminally Unique

You don't need to accept that you are "an alcoholic" in order to quit drinking. If drinking is causing you problems, or is making you loathe yourself or your actions, wouldn't it be wise to quit drinking, regardless of what you are or are not?

raindancer11

Welcome. I've tiptoed around the actual admitting I have a problem for the last 5 years. It was denial. I just couldn't believe that it was me hiding, lying, rearranging my life around wine. It's like I was possessed. I don't know that there was one moment in which I admitted I had a problem. For me, I had to tell myself over and over until I finally got it. I'm at 22 days and still telling myself.

I also think that I couldn't call myself an alcoholic because my life was still intact. My behavior was all messed up but I didn't have a trail of destruction behind me. I was thought if you were an alcoholic you could never control your drinking, you drank till you passed out, you lost your job, family, house, car, right to drive, had liver problems etc...

I am now convinced that these things will happen to me if I continue to drink.

Glad you are here. This site has helped me immensely. Keep reading and posting.

Dee74

Hi bombshell
Welcome

I used to rationalise too - I could have rationalised for the Olympics - I had a long list of reasons and excuses why I drank....

but I never really did a real cost benefit analysis - looking at the negatives as well as the positives - because deep down I knew - I knew that what I was doing was harmful.

If the A word is a problem, then forget it for now...but do look carefully at your situation...be honest...and try to assess if you have a problem that you need to fix.

Do you think going without any alcohol for a period, like 30 days, might help make things clearer for you?

D

wpainterw

Yes, I was this way for forty years and it gradually got worse. I was hospitalized numerous times and received a great deal of psychiatric support and counseling. I'm not sure how I survived. I guess I was lucky. It all came to a head one weekend when my wife was out of town. By the following Wednesday I had this frightful toxic feeling and began to realize that unless I was somehow able to stop I would not survive. I entered a rehab and the liver tests indicated damage which suggested irreversibility. A nurse said that she had seen people die of liver damage from alcohol and others die of cancer and that the former was so horrible to watch that she would choose cancer any day. This got my attention. That was nearly 23 years ago and I haven't had a drink since. I was a slow learner, a very slow and reluctant learner. Good luck.

W.

ACT10Npack

For you being on this forum you know you have a problem. Regardless if you are an alcoholic or not is not the important part. If alcohol is not helping your situation or making everything worst then it would be a good ideal to not drink for a set of time and see how you feel after that. The earlier you with your recovery then easier and better off you will be at the end.

Good luck with your journey and keep coming back to SR.

artsoul

So much of what you said was me 14+ months ago. It's hard to think clearly about alcohol addiction when you're in the midst of it. It took me weeks of sobriety before I even saw how much I was giving up to alcohol. I didn't want to quit either - it terrified me.

Rather than think about the word "alcoholic," try thinking about whether you can stop drinking. If you don't think you can, that's pretty much your answer I think.

instant

A lot of people are not comfortable with the term alcoholic. I found writing down all the pluses and minuses for alcohol down on a piece of paper very helpful. It is important to get the detail in. This activity helped to sort out where I was at.

I also suggest you do the short course online at 'rational recovery' (AVRT - alcoholic voice recognition training) it is free and only takes 30 mins or so from memory.

The other thing to remember is that alcohol is addictive and the addiction is progressive with continued use. Where you are now is not where you will be in a few years. I also suggest you read the Big Book (free online) personal stories.

I am day 62- life is so much better

Bombshell

Everyone - thank you so much for your replies.

I have only really been able to skim through them this morning as I am running late for the wedding but there is a lot of food for thought there. A lot of you are backing up what I already know to be true.

I have tried to give up alcohol for 30 days and couldn't do it. I was able to stop the sneaky drinking by myself for that long, but that was only because I knew I was going out with my friends at the weekends so I could get my 'fix' then. I know rationally that this means I have a big problem. I just can't accept that I will have to live my life without alcohol. That is what I'm having so much trouble getting my head around. All the evidence is there, I just can't make it 'click' in my mind.

Thank you for all your messages. I don't know when I'll be able to get back on here because of a busy weekend and not having the internet during the week, but I wanted to let you all know that I really appreciate all your advice

CarolD

nothing is going to change for the better until/unless you get to the point
I want to quit more than I want to drink

Do come back when you can...and hope you enjoy your weekend...

Dee74

Best of luck Bombshell...the door's always open here whenever you want to return

D

yogaisland

Hi Bombshell, welcome. You are a lot like I was. I like to think of it as, "Aren't I smart to have nipped my problem drinking in the bud before it cost me my marriage, job, health, etc?" instead of, "Well, I'm not as bad as _____, so I might as well keep overdrinking..."

Because the second one was my rationale for a long time, and it's why I kept drinking when it was slowly destroying me. No, I wasn't destroyed yet, but I was surely on the way, and while I don't know the whole story with you, from what you've told us it sounds like you were on the slow path down too.

Am I am alcoholic, are you an alcoholic? ... I don't know. But I DO know that alcohol never did anything good for me, and it's probably never done anything good for you. (Besides a buzz, but that's such an empty, temporary thing.) Who needs it? I know I *could* have one glass if I wanted to, but life is so much less complicated without alcohol. No worrying I'll do or say something foolish (beyond what my own silly brain makes me do anyway), no worrying about how I'll get home, no worrying about how bad my hangover will be, no worrying about if I have enough wine to get through the weekend, etc.

Good luck to you!

ulverston

hi bombshell...
you dont have to give up for a lifetime??
just one day at a time..that's all any of us have /one day..this day..
and it will always be only this day.....
because yesterday is a bucket of ashes and tomorrow has not arrived

Reset

Like others have said, I wouldn't get hung up on the terminology. Alcoholic or not, if you think your drinking is a problem then that's what matters. And it seems like you think it's a problem.

And good for you for recognizing it now. I drank like you did for many years until I hit my mid-30's, when things escalated and kept escalating.

Good luck and hang around here, it helped me a lot.