Knocked off balance
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Knocked off balance
I am striving for perfection and beating myself up when I don't achieve it.....needless to say.....there's a lot of self flagellation going on. LOL I know I know.....progress not perfection. But what about those times of sliding way down the slope I've been ascending.
I have long periods of feeling very connected to my higher power and am content and serene. I have had a couple of good conversations with my addicted son over the last couple of months. I'm feeling pretty good about myself and working my program. But then.....I'll get complacent and get knocked off balance.....like yesterday.
He called and the conversation began well enough. He missed a court date. He didn't do the court mandated thing he was suppose to do. He's worried that there's a bench warrant out for his arrest. He didn't know what to do. I simply said "I'm sure you'll figure something out." (Patting myself on the back for an appropriate response.)
But then he begins the verbal assault on me and my husband (his step father) about all of the mistakes we made raising him. I did ok at first. I explained that we are sorry for anything he feels we did wrong but that we can't change the past. He persisted. I explained that he can't change the past. He persisted. I explained that he can't change us just as we can't change him. He persisted. I explained that he was taking our inventory and perhaps he should expend his energy taking his own. He persisted. I started to get ticked off that he couldn't see to grasp these simple concepts. He hung up.
See the pattern? See the insanity?
I was trying to speak in logical terms with someone who is coming down off a several day binge on meth. He hadn't slept in days......but I was trying to REASON with him. He was panicked and afraid because he's got a bench warrant out there and he knows that they'll eventually catch up to him and he'll go to jail. I allowed him to get me worked up with his accusations that alluded to "we caused it".
This is a common pattern with us. He attacks my husband who is truly one of the best men I have ever known. He's not perfect but he is pretty darn amazing. I then feel like I need to defend him. And the cycle begins. My serenity is disrupted and I am now stuck behind enemy lines (my brain) torturing myself for allowing him to get me all worked up.
Someone kick my butt......please........I need it. Self flagellation isn't doing the trick.
I have long periods of feeling very connected to my higher power and am content and serene. I have had a couple of good conversations with my addicted son over the last couple of months. I'm feeling pretty good about myself and working my program. But then.....I'll get complacent and get knocked off balance.....like yesterday.
He called and the conversation began well enough. He missed a court date. He didn't do the court mandated thing he was suppose to do. He's worried that there's a bench warrant out for his arrest. He didn't know what to do. I simply said "I'm sure you'll figure something out." (Patting myself on the back for an appropriate response.)
But then he begins the verbal assault on me and my husband (his step father) about all of the mistakes we made raising him. I did ok at first. I explained that we are sorry for anything he feels we did wrong but that we can't change the past. He persisted. I explained that he can't change the past. He persisted. I explained that he can't change us just as we can't change him. He persisted. I explained that he was taking our inventory and perhaps he should expend his energy taking his own. He persisted. I started to get ticked off that he couldn't see to grasp these simple concepts. He hung up.
See the pattern? See the insanity?
I was trying to speak in logical terms with someone who is coming down off a several day binge on meth. He hadn't slept in days......but I was trying to REASON with him. He was panicked and afraid because he's got a bench warrant out there and he knows that they'll eventually catch up to him and he'll go to jail. I allowed him to get me worked up with his accusations that alluded to "we caused it".
This is a common pattern with us. He attacks my husband who is truly one of the best men I have ever known. He's not perfect but he is pretty darn amazing. I then feel like I need to defend him. And the cycle begins. My serenity is disrupted and I am now stuck behind enemy lines (my brain) torturing myself for allowing him to get me all worked up.
Someone kick my butt......please........I need it. Self flagellation isn't doing the trick.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2011
Posts: 362
KindEyes, don't stress so much about it! I am early in recovery and find myself getting caught up in all sorts of things like this with ABF. I am at the point where I can retreat after I have calmed down a bit and laugh at myself for trying to talk to a person who just seriously binged on a mind-altering substance for 3 days. It is a natural response to want to talk to people rationally. Don't kick yourself for momentarily forgetting that you can't do it with him, at least under these circumstances.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 13,497
((((Kindeyes))))
You asked for it, but i only do it to make you smile-lol
Give yourself a break girl. Be easy with yourself. You are a loving caring momma, and this is one of the hardest things in the world, in my opinion. You have done so well, and are bound to have a slip or two.
He was no doubt a mess, and worried and frantic, so he took that out on you. They need to learn that taking care of his problems is the only way for life to get better. I am sorry but I kind of feel like jail is a safer place for them sometimes. He has lessons to learn. We want so hard to have normal conversations with them, and to be there for them. It is just that sometimes, they are just gonna voice their frustrations to those who are trying to be there for them. They don't do well at voicing frustrations, do they? it is more like lashing out in their pain, and fear, and they cant seem to aim the blame in the right direction-namely- at their own selves.
You are a wonderful mom.
I remember your comment that i read this morning. about if you have a foot in yesterday, and one in tomorrow, you will be pi$$ing on today.
Sometimes a day at a time, a moment at a time, and hold onto the serenity prayer.
Your son is getting good information from you, and your boundaries help him too.
much love
chicory
You asked for it, but i only do it to make you smile-lol
Give yourself a break girl. Be easy with yourself. You are a loving caring momma, and this is one of the hardest things in the world, in my opinion. You have done so well, and are bound to have a slip or two.
He was no doubt a mess, and worried and frantic, so he took that out on you. They need to learn that taking care of his problems is the only way for life to get better. I am sorry but I kind of feel like jail is a safer place for them sometimes. He has lessons to learn. We want so hard to have normal conversations with them, and to be there for them. It is just that sometimes, they are just gonna voice their frustrations to those who are trying to be there for them. They don't do well at voicing frustrations, do they? it is more like lashing out in their pain, and fear, and they cant seem to aim the blame in the right direction-namely- at their own selves.
You are a wonderful mom.
I remember your comment that i read this morning. about if you have a foot in yesterday, and one in tomorrow, you will be pi$$ing on today.
Sometimes a day at a time, a moment at a time, and hold onto the serenity prayer.
Your son is getting good information from you, and your boundaries help him too.
much love
chicory
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 134
Ok .. a very gentle kick to your butt , Kindeyes , no such thing as perfection in our world. The only way we will ever achieve it in terms of our AS's is to completely detach from them and we know that is just not possible. We will always love them, and even though we may achieve our goals of day to day serenity and balance I suspect we will always be subject to weakness from time to time.
Just last night I was looking up at the moon. It was full and I was instantly transported in time to an evening when my AS was two, I pointed out the beautiful full moon to him and he said (without skipping a beat) "that not a moon mommy, that a cookie!" It is one of my favorite childhood memories of him, it was a precious time. At no point in his sweet young life did he ever think "when I grow up I'm going to be a drug addict.
When I read your post this morning totally related because I called my son yesterday and he didn't return the call so I spent the day wondering all kinds of bad things. Then he sent me a text later and I realized all is well. I was kicking myself as well for going there. I have learned much from you, and found great comfort in your posts. I wish I could give you a real hug. But alas a cyber hug will have to do.
Just last night I was looking up at the moon. It was full and I was instantly transported in time to an evening when my AS was two, I pointed out the beautiful full moon to him and he said (without skipping a beat) "that not a moon mommy, that a cookie!" It is one of my favorite childhood memories of him, it was a precious time. At no point in his sweet young life did he ever think "when I grow up I'm going to be a drug addict.
When I read your post this morning totally related because I called my son yesterday and he didn't return the call so I spent the day wondering all kinds of bad things. Then he sent me a text later and I realized all is well. I was kicking myself as well for going there. I have learned much from you, and found great comfort in your posts. I wish I could give you a real hug. But alas a cyber hug will have to do.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 13,497
The only way we will ever achieve it in terms of our AS's is to completely detach from them and we know that is just not possible. We will always love them,
Just last night I was looking up at the moon. It was full and I was instantly transported in time to an evening when my AS was two, I pointed out the beautiful full moon to him and he said (without skipping a beat) "that not a moon mommy, that a cookie!" It is one of my favorite childhood memories of him, it was a precious time. At no point in his sweet young life did he ever think "when I grow up I'm going to be a drug addict.
Just last night I was looking up at the moon. It was full and I was instantly transported in time to an evening when my AS was two, I pointed out the beautiful full moon to him and he said (without skipping a beat) "that not a moon mommy, that a cookie!" It is one of my favorite childhood memories of him, it was a precious time. At no point in his sweet young life did he ever think "when I grow up I'm going to be a drug addict.
My son , at two, looking at a crescent moon with me, proclaimed ,"Look Mommy- it's a finnernail". (fingernail)
Please God- watch over our sons today, and move in their hearts.
chicory
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Originally Posted by Freedom1990 
Hanging up is an option! I've even done that with my dad when the conversation turned to finger-pointing and blame.
You have the right to hang up at any time, dear!
You have the right to hang up at any time, dear!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
I worked in a field known at the time for a substantial number of highly functioning alcoholics that could be counted on to be on their 3rd martini at lunch, by 12:30 P.M. To survive, I created a boundry that I would not verbally engage with drunks. I knew I could not prevent them from becoming drunk and either really goofy or just plain mean. So I took responsibility and removed myself from the situation.
I swear I did not have a codependent bone in my body till I became aware of my daughter's issues. To this day, she is the one and only who can trigger me and I have to work it or lose it.
I know the pattern of the expectation of a rescue and when I declined to engage, the anger and blame that would come my way. Took reading thousands of posts on SR for it to sink in that I have a choice to engage or not. When my daughter would go off and balme me for whatever, I just hung up. The more consistent my response became, the less likely she attempted to manipulate and blame me.
Only thing I control is my reaction/response. Lordy if I can't handle that, what in the world was I thinking when I believed and obsessed I could control my daughter and her choices.
I swear I did not have a codependent bone in my body till I became aware of my daughter's issues. To this day, she is the one and only who can trigger me and I have to work it or lose it.
I know the pattern of the expectation of a rescue and when I declined to engage, the anger and blame that would come my way. Took reading thousands of posts on SR for it to sink in that I have a choice to engage or not. When my daughter would go off and balme me for whatever, I just hung up. The more consistent my response became, the less likely she attempted to manipulate and blame me.
Only thing I control is my reaction/response. Lordy if I can't handle that, what in the world was I thinking when I believed and obsessed I could control my daughter and her choices.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: The South
Posts: 105
(((Kindeyes)))
I can so relate to your post. Mr. Habit and I have gone from NC to very limited contact with our AD. The last time she was here we got into a huge argument. I "reacted" instead of "responding" to her.
She had told despicable lies about Mr. Habit and me to our niece. Our niece didn't believe her. And, I know that it is none of my business what other people think of me. But, I just couldn't let it go. I confronted her and the rest is history. Insanity popped it's ugly head up once again.
However, before she left I hugged her as my tears rolled down my cheeks and I said, "If I never see you again, always remember that I love. I really love you." She responded, "I know."
Addiction is such a cruel disease. It steals, kills, and destroys. However, I believe that even though we get knocked off balance that "God will never allow us to be hurled headlong. Because He is the One who holds our hands". Psalms 37:24
I can so relate to your post. Mr. Habit and I have gone from NC to very limited contact with our AD. The last time she was here we got into a huge argument. I "reacted" instead of "responding" to her.
She had told despicable lies about Mr. Habit and me to our niece. Our niece didn't believe her. And, I know that it is none of my business what other people think of me. But, I just couldn't let it go. I confronted her and the rest is history. Insanity popped it's ugly head up once again.
However, before she left I hugged her as my tears rolled down my cheeks and I said, "If I never see you again, always remember that I love. I really love you." She responded, "I know."
Addiction is such a cruel disease. It steals, kills, and destroys. However, I believe that even though we get knocked off balance that "God will never allow us to be hurled headlong. Because He is the One who holds our hands". Psalms 37:24
Last edited by Habit; 07-15-2011 at 10:20 AM. Reason: typo
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
You asked for it, but i only do it to make you smile-lol
Just last night I was looking up at the moon. It was full and I was instantly transported in time to an evening when my AS was two, I pointed out the beautiful full moon to him and he said (without skipping a beat) "that not a moon mommy, that a cookie!" It is one of my favorite childhood memories of him, it was a precious time. At no point in his sweet young life did he ever think "when I grow up I'm going to be a drug addict.
The more consistent my response became, the less likely she attempted to manipulate and blame me.
Addiction is such a cruel disease. It steals, kills, and destroys. However, I believe that even though we get knocked off balance that "God will never allow us to be hurled headlong. Because He is the One who holds our hands". Psalms 37:24
I love you all!
gentle hugs everyone
ke
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Originally Posted by Kindeyes
Perhaps I need to occasionally get knocked off balance in order to keep me on track.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: In a good place
Posts: 4,482
The strangest thing about my slips these days, is how fast I save myself from a total relapse. I remind myself I'm still breaking bad habits, might be for the rest of my life. I don't know when it happened, but I started removing the emotion from it. Sometimes I tell myself that my response was all emotion, now it's time for some logic. I identify what I did, why it happened, what I could have done differently. It turns into a dress rehearsal for me. I'm the only person I can fix, so I go into fix it mode with as much determination as when I was trying to fix everyone else.
So are you done beating yourself up?
So are you done beating yourself up?
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Posts: 1,691
Kindeyes.....gosh I hate it when I feel emotionally drunk. I see how you got triggered into your reaction. I would have done exactly the same thing. I really don't know how I will let myself get caught up in those nasty scenarios.
I know that when that happens to me I have to step back and take a look at where I strayed off of the path. At what point do I need to stop the conversation?
I hope that you are feeling a little better by now....this is your son, he was talking about the man that you love....what a perfect storm!!!!!
At least you know what to do and are doing it. I'm sorry this happened and that you had to feel yucky! Lots of love! Donna
I know that when that happens to me I have to step back and take a look at where I strayed off of the path. At what point do I need to stop the conversation?
I hope that you are feeling a little better by now....this is your son, he was talking about the man that you love....what a perfect storm!!!!!
At least you know what to do and are doing it. I'm sorry this happened and that you had to feel yucky! Lots of love! Donna
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 598
Last year I "discovered" a phrase that works wonders on three year olds. I think it might work just fine on people like your AS. It's "I love you too much to argue." Keep saying it over and over if need be. With the three year olds I teach it works like a charm. They look at me and then turn and walk away rather than argue with me. Wonder how it would work with an addict. Addicts certainly aren't able to see reason--much like a three year old can't be reasoned out of what they want to do either.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Originally Posted by kmangel
Last year I "discovered" a phrase that works wonders on three year olds. I think it might work just fine on people like your AS. It's "I love you too much to argue." Keep saying it over and over if need be. With the three year olds I teach it works like a charm. They look at me and then turn and walk away rather than argue with me. Wonder how it would work with an addict. Addicts certainly aren't able to see reason--much like a three year old can't be reasoned out of what they want to do either.
gentle hugs
ke
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Right here, right now!
Posts: 3,424
I can relate (not to the exact situation....but how my knee jerk reaction can still get me into trouble).
Sometimes in my progress not perfection world I have to remind myself that the fact that I notice what I did in less than 24hr is huge progress for me. Even better I figured it out on my own instead of someone having to tell me what I just did.
Sometimes in my progress not perfection world I have to remind myself that the fact that I notice what I did in less than 24hr is huge progress for me. Even better I figured it out on my own instead of someone having to tell me what I just did.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Originally Posted by LifeRecovery
I can relate (not to the exact situation....but how my knee jerk reaction can still get me into trouble).
Sometimes in my progress not perfection world I have to remind myself that the fact that I notice what I did in less than 24hr is huge progress for me. Even better I figured it out on my own instead of someone having to tell me what I just did.
Sometimes in my progress not perfection world I have to remind myself that the fact that I notice what I did in less than 24hr is huge progress for me. Even better I figured it out on my own instead of someone having to tell me what I just did.
Here I go again.....
LOLI need to step into the reality of a "progress not perfection" world!
gentle hugs
ke
Member
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: ontario, canada
Posts: 540
Kindeyes, you are a loving mother. We all have slips, don't be so hard on yourself. We have all got in to argument with our addicts. It is insanity trying to deal with the addicts in our lives. They all lay blame for there addiction, all part of the illness. Prayers to you and your family.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
