Mom drinking after 15 years sober
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Join Date: Jul 2011
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Mom drinking after 15 years sober
Hello all, I am absolutely heart broken and dying inside right now- I just found out this morning that my mom is drinking after 15 years sober. What's worse, she's mixing it with pills (klonopin) which she never did before. Not only that, she's been babysitting my 2 year old daughter, who she could have killed while driving.
I am visiting my parents with my family from Denmark (my husband is Danish, I am from the US), and this is a complete shock. We're staying in a hotel tonight.
She of course swears that this is it and that she'll do anything to fix it. She is starting a treatment program tomorrow- outpatient based.
I don't know what to do. I can't stop crying. I am upsetting my daughter but I just can't get myself together. It's just too devastating.
Please, if you can, help with advice. I feel so alone and that the world is the darkest, worst place imaginable- even with my wonderful family here.
I am visiting my parents with my family from Denmark (my husband is Danish, I am from the US), and this is a complete shock. We're staying in a hotel tonight.
She of course swears that this is it and that she'll do anything to fix it. She is starting a treatment program tomorrow- outpatient based.
I don't know what to do. I can't stop crying. I am upsetting my daughter but I just can't get myself together. It's just too devastating.
Please, if you can, help with advice. I feel so alone and that the world is the darkest, worst place imaginable- even with my wonderful family here.
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,357
Hi Sharisdaughter
I'm sorry for your situation - I have no experience with a loved one, but I know from my own experience it is possible to recover from addiction, even after a relapse.
If she really means she'll do anything to fix it, I think she has every chance in the world of doing just that
I wish you, your mother and your whole family the best
D
I'm sorry for your situation - I have no experience with a loved one, but I know from my own experience it is possible to recover from addiction, even after a relapse.
If she really means she'll do anything to fix it, I think she has every chance in the world of doing just that
I wish you, your mother and your whole family the best
D
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Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((Sharisdaughter))) - Welcome to SR, but sorry for what brings you here.
I have/had loved ones who are addicts, though none of mine have truly sought recovery. I get a lot of good ES&H (experience, strength, and hope) from the Friends & Family forums. There are people with moms, dads, sons, daughters, etc. who are, or have been through, and it's not only helpful to see how others deal with it, it's comforting to know I'm not alone....and neither are you.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
I have/had loved ones who are addicts, though none of mine have truly sought recovery. I get a lot of good ES&H (experience, strength, and hope) from the Friends & Family forums. There are people with moms, dads, sons, daughters, etc. who are, or have been through, and it's not only helpful to see how others deal with it, it's comforting to know I'm not alone....and neither are you.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Hungary
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Don't lose hope! I know people who relapsed and got back on track almost immediately and are still sober! I know it's a terrible situation to be in but I would wait and see what happens. She wants to get better so she can! Let's hope it will pass and she'll get better. We're here for you! 
I know people who relapsed and got back on track almost immediately and are still sober! I know it's a terrible situation to be in but I would wait and see what happens. She wants to get better so she can! Let's hope it will pass and she'll get better. We're here for you! Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
I'm sorry for your pain!
I can share with you that I drank again after 4 years clean/sober, and thankfully was only "out there" for two months before I went back to AA.
Next month I will celebrate 21 years clean/sober.
I know it feels like the end of the world right now, hon. It's not, I promise.
Keeping all of you in my prayers!
I can share with you that I drank again after 4 years clean/sober, and thankfully was only "out there" for two months before I went back to AA.
Next month I will celebrate 21 years clean/sober.
I know it feels like the end of the world right now, hon. It's not, I promise.
Keeping all of you in my prayers!
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Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 3,095
I am so sorry for your pain-- it is palpable through the web... Thinking of your poor D2 and the shock this is to you after 15 yrs-- it sounds awful. Reading this gives me a lot of perspective I never had before about how it must feel to a child when a parent starts drinking after a period of sobriety... My fil was sober for 8 yrs and then started again and my AH doesn't express emotions but if he did I wonder if he'd say many of the things you have... the shock and feeling of betrayal must be overwhelming.
I'll keep you and your family in my thoughts and I hope that your mom is sincere in her plan to do whatever it takes... If she did it once then she knows what it will take and hopefully she's up to the task... In the meantime can you find someone else to watch your 2 yr old?
I'll keep you and your family in my thoughts and I hope that your mom is sincere in her plan to do whatever it takes... If she did it once then she knows what it will take and hopefully she's up to the task... In the meantime can you find someone else to watch your 2 yr old?
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Thanks everyone for the positive, kind, and hopeful words. They really mean so much to me, especially coming from people who know what this kind of addiction can be like. It is really nice to hear that it is possible to get back on the wagon after a relapse, even after 15 years. I still can't quite process that she could drink again.
Of course, after a night's sleep, I am a bit more hopeful (ie, not crying my eyes out nonstop), and I am really hoping that with the treatment she's beginning today and with my dad to help support her, I can get my mom back. I am not capable of being around her when she is drinking, and I will certainly not expose my daughter to it, and she is absolutely crazy about her grandchild, so maybe that will help to keep her motivated.
It is really amazing how quickly her life unravelled- in the period of what I am guessing is 6 months, more or less, she has gone from being super mom, super wife, super grandma, super teacher, to being on the brink of completely destroying her life. It's amazing.
Anyway, thanks again- I feel bad for "dumping" this on an online community I've never been part of, but as I am sure most of you know, if people haven't been there, they just don't quite get it.
Of course, after a night's sleep, I am a bit more hopeful (ie, not crying my eyes out nonstop), and I am really hoping that with the treatment she's beginning today and with my dad to help support her, I can get my mom back. I am not capable of being around her when she is drinking, and I will certainly not expose my daughter to it, and she is absolutely crazy about her grandchild, so maybe that will help to keep her motivated.
It is really amazing how quickly her life unravelled- in the period of what I am guessing is 6 months, more or less, she has gone from being super mom, super wife, super grandma, super teacher, to being on the brink of completely destroying her life. It's amazing.
Anyway, thanks again- I feel bad for "dumping" this on an online community I've never been part of, but as I am sure most of you know, if people haven't been there, they just don't quite get it.
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Originally Posted by wanttobehealthy 
I In the meantime can you find someone else to watch your 2 yr old?
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I've got one more question- our plan is to stay in a hotel one more night and then maybe go back to my parents' tomorrow. My mom started treatment today; I've talked to her and my dad and they both swear she is not drinking (or taking pills for that matter). I just don't know if I can trust that that is the case. I want to be there to support her, and if she is as genuine as she says she is, then I would also like to begin the process of healing. But part of me also thinks she needs to realize what she could lose by us being away. I don't know. It's so difficult; I don't know what the right thing to do is.
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Originally Posted by sharisdaughter
We're just visiting, so we didn't need her to watch her for work or anything, it was just so we could get some couple time, which we rarely get in Denmark, so that is no biggie. It is such a shame though because my daughter absolutely adores my mom; she's already asking for her and wondering why we staying in a hotel.
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Originally Posted by sharisdaughter
I just wanted to clarify that of course she will not be unsupervised with my daughter for a very, very long time, if ever.
You're a terrific mom and daughter!
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If it makes you feel better:
I went dry in '87 and stayed dry until '90. In '91, I went dry again. Between '97 and '00, I had several one-night relapses, but immediately got back on the recovery path. I've been completely dry, with no relapses (one-night or longer) since '00.
It is entirely possible for someone to have a relapse, but get right back in recovery and make another go of it. If she was clean for 15 years, I'm guessing she will want to continue to be clean. Her own desire to get sober in the first place will drive her to do so again.
Speaking only from my personal experience. I don't personally know anyone who was clean for more than 5 years and relapsed who didn't get themselves clean again. Then again, I only personally know a few people who had to go clean who managed to stay clean for more than 5 years. From my rather limited data set, one might conclude that after 5 years, even if a relapse occurs, it's unlikely to be a permanent relapse.
Wishing you and yours the best.
I went dry in '87 and stayed dry until '90. In '91, I went dry again. Between '97 and '00, I had several one-night relapses, but immediately got back on the recovery path. I've been completely dry, with no relapses (one-night or longer) since '00.
It is entirely possible for someone to have a relapse, but get right back in recovery and make another go of it. If she was clean for 15 years, I'm guessing she will want to continue to be clean. Her own desire to get sober in the first place will drive her to do so again.
Speaking only from my personal experience. I don't personally know anyone who was clean for more than 5 years and relapsed who didn't get themselves clean again. Then again, I only personally know a few people who had to go clean who managed to stay clean for more than 5 years. From my rather limited data set, one might conclude that after 5 years, even if a relapse occurs, it's unlikely to be a permanent relapse.
Wishing you and yours the best.
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Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: California, USA
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Sharisdaughter,
My father has spent most of his life sober, but he has relapsed a few times. The relapses were always heart-breaking and devastating but he always picked himself back up and tried again. It was hard but I know that my father didn't relapse on purpose or to hurt his family. It was just how alcoholism affected him. My dad would go years like your mother and then one day he couldn't take it, something would trigger him and he'd relapse. His last relapse was 25 years ago and I hope it's his last. He seems to feel that it will be, but for now, I just accept his sobriety one day at a time. My dad always says that when he relapsed he hated it because after all those years, he had to start back at Day 1. Relapses after years and years of sobriety are also so difficult for the family who gets accustomed to the absence of active addiction.
Because of the way alcoholism has affected my father and our family, I just always assumed that relapses were part of recovery (or in my dad's case sobriety) until the occurrences of relapses lessen to the point of extinction. I'm sure it's different for everyone. Some people never relapse. Some people relapse and never get back to recovery. Some people relapse over and over serially over their lifetime. Some, like my dad, relapse a few times over the course of their prolonged sobriety.
Addiction is a tough beast. Relapses happen. It's wonderful that your mother is back in treatment so soon. That's a blessing.
My father has spent most of his life sober, but he has relapsed a few times. The relapses were always heart-breaking and devastating but he always picked himself back up and tried again. It was hard but I know that my father didn't relapse on purpose or to hurt his family. It was just how alcoholism affected him. My dad would go years like your mother and then one day he couldn't take it, something would trigger him and he'd relapse. His last relapse was 25 years ago and I hope it's his last. He seems to feel that it will be, but for now, I just accept his sobriety one day at a time. My dad always says that when he relapsed he hated it because after all those years, he had to start back at Day 1. Relapses after years and years of sobriety are also so difficult for the family who gets accustomed to the absence of active addiction.
Because of the way alcoholism has affected my father and our family, I just always assumed that relapses were part of recovery (or in my dad's case sobriety) until the occurrences of relapses lessen to the point of extinction. I'm sure it's different for everyone. Some people never relapse. Some people relapse and never get back to recovery. Some people relapse over and over serially over their lifetime. Some, like my dad, relapse a few times over the course of their prolonged sobriety.
Addiction is a tough beast. Relapses happen. It's wonderful that your mother is back in treatment so soon. That's a blessing.
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