Brother needs help understanding why girlfriend is moving on(reposted in right forum!
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Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Carrollton, TX
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Brother needs help understanding why girlfriend is moving on(reposted in right forum!
Posted this in friends & family: substance, just reposting in the correct forum. Any and all input is appreciated
I think my brother could use some words of wisdom from both alcoholics and people who have left their alcoholic partners. My brother has been sober 46 days and I am very proud. Unfortunately what brought this accomplishment on was the final break-up with his girlfriend of 4 years. They were very serious as a couple, thinking of having kids and such but my brother's alcoholism was a serious problem too and she could no longer deal with it. Sadly our family did not see the severity of my brother's situation and his girlfriend basically went through this alone.
Now that you have a bit of the background let me explain what my brother is having a hard time dealing with. His eyes are open now and a lot of his ideals and dreams are in line with what his ex wanted in life but she has given up on my brother. She wants nothing more to do with my brother's problems, which I think is her own way of recovering from his alcoholism. He tried to apologize last week and she didn't want to hear it because she's heard it before. He's now found out she is possibly dating again and my brother is angry that she hasn't cared one way or another (that we know of) how his recovery is going, especially since he almost literally drank himself to death in the month after he left.
My brother knows after what all he put her through, her actions have been understandable but he's having trouble emotionally accepting that since he is making progress with his alcoholism and his way of thinking has grown and matured, kind of like he's fixed the problem, why doesn't she realize it? I think if my brother has a better understanding of why his ex is doing what she's doing he might find some peace knowing why she is moving on. I think he needs to know what he should expect from her and why. Thanks!
I think my brother could use some words of wisdom from both alcoholics and people who have left their alcoholic partners. My brother has been sober 46 days and I am very proud. Unfortunately what brought this accomplishment on was the final break-up with his girlfriend of 4 years. They were very serious as a couple, thinking of having kids and such but my brother's alcoholism was a serious problem too and she could no longer deal with it. Sadly our family did not see the severity of my brother's situation and his girlfriend basically went through this alone.
Now that you have a bit of the background let me explain what my brother is having a hard time dealing with. His eyes are open now and a lot of his ideals and dreams are in line with what his ex wanted in life but she has given up on my brother. She wants nothing more to do with my brother's problems, which I think is her own way of recovering from his alcoholism. He tried to apologize last week and she didn't want to hear it because she's heard it before. He's now found out she is possibly dating again and my brother is angry that she hasn't cared one way or another (that we know of) how his recovery is going, especially since he almost literally drank himself to death in the month after he left.
My brother knows after what all he put her through, her actions have been understandable but he's having trouble emotionally accepting that since he is making progress with his alcoholism and his way of thinking has grown and matured, kind of like he's fixed the problem, why doesn't she realize it? I think if my brother has a better understanding of why his ex is doing what she's doing he might find some peace knowing why she is moving on. I think he needs to know what he should expect from her and why. Thanks!
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Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 433
I would tell your brother to continue to focus on himself and his recovery. Maybe after some time, he will be able to make ammends to his ex and maybe she will consider getting back together with him. If he doesn't truly get himself right for himself in his recovery, he will not be able to have a healthy relationship even if he's sober.
Right now, his ex is probably dating someone else to make her self esteem higher after the painful experience with your brother. She may be trying to move on quickly to feel okay, but in truth, she probably needs time to heal and contemplate her relationship with your brother. I'm sure she still cares about him--normal people can't just turn off their feelings like a switch. If she seems uncaring, I think she is trying to protect herself in case he relapses and she is hurt again.
Right now, his ex is probably dating someone else to make her self esteem higher after the painful experience with your brother. She may be trying to move on quickly to feel okay, but in truth, she probably needs time to heal and contemplate her relationship with your brother. I'm sure she still cares about him--normal people can't just turn off their feelings like a switch. If she seems uncaring, I think she is trying to protect herself in case he relapses and she is hurt again.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Welcome to the SR family!
I am glad your brother has chosen sobriety.
I am known as Pelican and I am a recovering alcoholic.
I am also recovering from a 14 year marriage to an alcoholic. I am now divorced.
If we take alcohol out of the equation with your brother and his ex girlfriend, it appears she has made a decision to end her relationship with him. As an adult that is her choice. As an adult, your brother needs to accept her decision.
Now lets take a look at your brothers alcoholism. He has been sober 46 days. After years of drinking and abusing his body, that is a drop in the bucket. You did not mention if your brother is doing any kind of mental or spiritual recovery from his alcoholism.
As a recovering alcoholic, I can assure you there is a difference between sobriety and recovery. Sobriety is what I did when I stopped drinking. I got sober. But my recovery began when I started working on my life skills. Finding new, healthier ways to cope with life on life's terms. It is a life time committment to be a better, healthier me.
I can also share about where I was at 46 days of sobriety. At 30 days my liver just began the long process to recover from alcohol abuse. My head was in a fog, my thinking was distorted, my emotions were down. I felt physically, mentally and spiritually weak.
It took at least 90 days before I began to feel normal physically. Mentally I was still bouncing around.
We have a saying about alcohol recovery. The first year is physical recovery, the second is mental and the rest of time in recovery involves the whole mind/body/spirit recovering.
I wish your brother continued success on his recovery journey.
I am glad your brother has chosen sobriety.
I am known as Pelican and I am a recovering alcoholic.
I am also recovering from a 14 year marriage to an alcoholic. I am now divorced.
If we take alcohol out of the equation with your brother and his ex girlfriend, it appears she has made a decision to end her relationship with him. As an adult that is her choice. As an adult, your brother needs to accept her decision.
Now lets take a look at your brothers alcoholism. He has been sober 46 days. After years of drinking and abusing his body, that is a drop in the bucket. You did not mention if your brother is doing any kind of mental or spiritual recovery from his alcoholism.
As a recovering alcoholic, I can assure you there is a difference between sobriety and recovery. Sobriety is what I did when I stopped drinking. I got sober. But my recovery began when I started working on my life skills. Finding new, healthier ways to cope with life on life's terms. It is a life time committment to be a better, healthier me.
I can also share about where I was at 46 days of sobriety. At 30 days my liver just began the long process to recover from alcohol abuse. My head was in a fog, my thinking was distorted, my emotions were down. I felt physically, mentally and spiritually weak.
It took at least 90 days before I began to feel normal physically. Mentally I was still bouncing around.
We have a saying about alcohol recovery. The first year is physical recovery, the second is mental and the rest of time in recovery involves the whole mind/body/spirit recovering.
I wish your brother continued success on his recovery journey.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 21
You really can kill love. Once its dead, its just dead. There's no getting back dead love. 
I wish your family all the best. I think he's just going to have to accept that it was too little, too late, too much damage done.
I wish your family all the best. I think he's just going to have to accept that it was too little, too late, too much damage done.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Ashland Oregon
Posts: 256
I left my ABF of 5 years, and he comes from a large, caring family of hard drinkers. Except for the new dating scene, the OP could be one of my xBFs siblings.
So, for me, here's the answer (which may or may not have anything to do with this xgf):
- I'm confused. I love him, but our values are so different, especially about drinking
- actions speak louder than words. If he quits drinking, goes to AA, gets a sponsor, kicks the drinking buddies out of his house, and starts taking his health seriously, I may consider dating him in a year or two.
- or I may be totally different in a year, and would never go near anyone who EVER had a drinking problem, no matter how long they've been in recovery, or how great our love was.
- my recovery to codependency comes first. I don't care about his recovery nearly as much. If he gets better, that's fantastic, and gives me a sliver of hope. If he continues abusing alcohol, I'm still recovering.
Take what you want and leave the rest. I totally understand that what I've said may come across as harsh. Living with an alcoholic was harsh - this is better.
- Sylvie
So, for me, here's the answer (which may or may not have anything to do with this xgf):
- I'm confused. I love him, but our values are so different, especially about drinking
- actions speak louder than words. If he quits drinking, goes to AA, gets a sponsor, kicks the drinking buddies out of his house, and starts taking his health seriously, I may consider dating him in a year or two.
- or I may be totally different in a year, and would never go near anyone who EVER had a drinking problem, no matter how long they've been in recovery, or how great our love was.
- my recovery to codependency comes first. I don't care about his recovery nearly as much. If he gets better, that's fantastic, and gives me a sliver of hope. If he continues abusing alcohol, I'm still recovering.
Take what you want and leave the rest. I totally understand that what I've said may come across as harsh. Living with an alcoholic was harsh - this is better.
- Sylvie
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Memphis, TN
Posts: 2,884
From my experience with my AW the issue wasn't love. It was hope and trust. After her last binge I lost hope that she would ever get better even though she was in rehab again. I also realized that I didn't trust her to stay sober and begin a recovery. She had been sober for long periods in the past but it always ended in another binge. I simply could not do that again, ever. I couldn't live with waiting for the other shoe to fall as it was destroying me. So I left.
I am now working my own recovery which is something that will last for the rest of my life. I am beginning to work on restoring my sanity and to accept serenity as a natural result of living a sane life. Staying with her would have made that task impossible for me.
Your friend
I am now working my own recovery which is something that will last for the rest of my life. I am beginning to work on restoring my sanity and to accept serenity as a natural result of living a sane life. Staying with her would have made that task impossible for me.
Your friend
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
YNH,
As the brother, you need to understand, too, that it isn't your job to explain to your brother what's going on with his wife. Pelican explained it very well. Your brother needs to be talking to other people in his program, who will help him to do the Step work that leads to recovery. A lot of the Step work is centered around acceptance of life on life's terms (aka you don't always get what you want). His recovery from alcoholism doesn't depend on what his g/f does. And refusal to accept the situation only results in resentment, which is the number one problem that leads to relapse.
He's barely sober. He's recovering (hopefully) and his g/f is moving on with her life right now. Maybe someday they will wind up back together or maybe not. The best thing he can do for himself is to simply focus on getting better. As long as it's tied in any way to pleasing the g/f or getting her back, his chances of real recovery are greatly reduced.
You might suggest he bring all this up with his sponsor.
As the brother, you need to understand, too, that it isn't your job to explain to your brother what's going on with his wife. Pelican explained it very well. Your brother needs to be talking to other people in his program, who will help him to do the Step work that leads to recovery. A lot of the Step work is centered around acceptance of life on life's terms (aka you don't always get what you want). His recovery from alcoholism doesn't depend on what his g/f does. And refusal to accept the situation only results in resentment, which is the number one problem that leads to relapse.
He's barely sober. He's recovering (hopefully) and his g/f is moving on with her life right now. Maybe someday they will wind up back together or maybe not. The best thing he can do for himself is to simply focus on getting better. As long as it's tied in any way to pleasing the g/f or getting her back, his chances of real recovery are greatly reduced.
You might suggest he bring all this up with his sponsor.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 41
Most divorces are filed by women. Why? This is the best reason I've ever read. It's rife with generalizations though.
Women start out very invest in the relationship. They try hard to make things work. They point out an issue that's important to them, like "you drink too much" or "I need more affection". Man often does not listen or change. Woman starts complaining about everything under the sun cause she's mad he's ignoring her. Woman gets fed up after a while and gives up. Man finally changes but it's too late. She already withdrew and it's going to be very hard to bring her back to the initial investment phase.
Add in that he's probably been pretty gross around her when he was drunk and she probably also lost respect for him.
He's probably burned through most of her goodwill. How many times did she ask him to change? He's decided to get on the wagon, but honestly it's more likely going to be for his next partner.
Women start out very invest in the relationship. They try hard to make things work. They point out an issue that's important to them, like "you drink too much" or "I need more affection". Man often does not listen or change. Woman starts complaining about everything under the sun cause she's mad he's ignoring her. Woman gets fed up after a while and gives up. Man finally changes but it's too late. She already withdrew and it's going to be very hard to bring her back to the initial investment phase.
Add in that he's probably been pretty gross around her when he was drunk and she probably also lost respect for him.
He's probably burned through most of her goodwill. How many times did she ask him to change? He's decided to get on the wagon, but honestly it's more likely going to be for his next partner.
Today is a New Day
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 1,766
I am never going to resume the relationship I once had with XABF... I truly do wish him the best, absolutely! It's just that there's too much lost trust, too many shattered hopes and dreams, too many bad memories and fears and anxieties attached to any thought of a relationship with him. Any time with him would be spent fearfully, waiting for the next shoe to drop, dreading the next emotional apocalypse, trying to be perfectly what he wants to keep the verbally abusive barrages and emotional manipulation at bay.
That's no way to live, and as far as our relationship is concerned, it doesn't matter if he never gets help or if he becomes the next Saint Peter, my emotional responses and reactions will be the same. I cannot be myself around him, comfortably or otherwise, and so I cannot be around him, because I deserve to be myself.
In addition, the feelings that I originally felt for him have been stripped away, not all at once, but over the course of the four years that XABF and I were together, especially in the last six months of that time frame. Any attempt to communicate my needs or my feelings, he either threw in my face, or started in on how he felt so much worse than me. My contributions to the relationship were ignored or sneered upon while his simplest act was to be praised to the heavens. His energy was spent doing things he claimed were "for me" but any attempt on my part to explain that I'd rather be able to pay the bills than go to a $200 steak dinner resulted in a verbal tirade about how I don't appreciate him.
There was no "me" in "us" - it was all him. I was furniture in my relationship, constantly sat upon. There is just too much damage, and there comes a point when there's no undoing it. I did everything I knew to do in the relationship, and I became someone I wasn't, someone very frightening, someone who could see nothing more than pain in the future and could only dream about ending it all... That is not who I am, but it is who I became when we were together, and enough time spent living in that manner will erode any kind of positive feelings.
I am working on my own recovery now. I wish him the best for his recovery... But whether he recovers or not, I am done. I invested everything I had to invest into the relationship, and there's no feelings left anymore to keep me there.
I'm done.
That's it.
And that's okay.
That's no way to live, and as far as our relationship is concerned, it doesn't matter if he never gets help or if he becomes the next Saint Peter, my emotional responses and reactions will be the same. I cannot be myself around him, comfortably or otherwise, and so I cannot be around him, because I deserve to be myself.
In addition, the feelings that I originally felt for him have been stripped away, not all at once, but over the course of the four years that XABF and I were together, especially in the last six months of that time frame. Any attempt to communicate my needs or my feelings, he either threw in my face, or started in on how he felt so much worse than me. My contributions to the relationship were ignored or sneered upon while his simplest act was to be praised to the heavens. His energy was spent doing things he claimed were "for me" but any attempt on my part to explain that I'd rather be able to pay the bills than go to a $200 steak dinner resulted in a verbal tirade about how I don't appreciate him.
There was no "me" in "us" - it was all him. I was furniture in my relationship, constantly sat upon. There is just too much damage, and there comes a point when there's no undoing it. I did everything I knew to do in the relationship, and I became someone I wasn't, someone very frightening, someone who could see nothing more than pain in the future and could only dream about ending it all... That is not who I am, but it is who I became when we were together, and enough time spent living in that manner will erode any kind of positive feelings.
I am working on my own recovery now. I wish him the best for his recovery... But whether he recovers or not, I am done. I invested everything I had to invest into the relationship, and there's no feelings left anymore to keep me there.
I'm done.
That's it.
And that's okay.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: carolina girl
Posts: 578
This is your brother's issue, let him find the answers to life's questions. Perhaps he should find a therapist, or go to some meetings with other alcoholics who have been through what he is going through. I can't help but think that if he truly wanted these questions answered, he would be here asking them himself.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: new state
Posts: 137
Originally Posted by YourNameHere 
He's now found out she is possibly dating again and my brother is angry that she hasn't cared one way or another (that we know of) how his recovery is going, especially since he almost literally drank himself to death in the month after he left.
My brother knows after what all he put her through, her actions have been understandable but he's having trouble emotionally accepting that since he is making progress with his alcoholism and his way of thinking has grown and matured, kind of like he's fixed the problem, why doesn't she realize it?
I think if my brother has a better understanding of why his ex is doing what she's doing he might find some peace knowing why she is moving on. I think he needs to know what he should expect from her and why. Thanks!
My brother knows after what all he put her through, her actions have been understandable but he's having trouble emotionally accepting that since he is making progress with his alcoholism and his way of thinking has grown and matured, kind of like he's fixed the problem, why doesn't she realize it?
I think if my brother has a better understanding of why his ex is doing what she's doing he might find some peace knowing why she is moving on. I think he needs to know what he should expect from her and why. Thanks!
The parts I highlighted are the parts that caused me to end it with my XABF. I did care and I did give and I did caretake for him. However, I was done when he made it unmistakably clear that my life was supposed to revolve around what he did. Your brother's ex isn't "supposed to" care how he is feeling or what he is doing. He might have gotten into the habit of expecting that from her, but that's over. She is supposed to create a life that is postive and rich and fulfilling for her. She owes nothing to anyone.
Maybe he'll understand it this way. Let's say your brother (B) and a business partner (P) start up a company. They work together for 4 years and P has shown some inability to perfrom, for whatever reason. Or maybe they just have different visions of where they want the business to go. So your brother, B, leaves to start a new business. Would your brother, B, think he was supposed to keep looking after P, or would he focus on getting his own business off the ground? Would P expect B to stay involved in P's business? Would B do it? If P promised B that he would work harder if B came back, would B go back? In business, it's so much easier to see what's reasonable. Maybe because we expect people to look after themselves in the business world.
Skipper
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: South Texas, USA
Posts: 827
My thoughts are: How do you know?
I ask this because my exABF will tell all sorts of stories that are different, depending on the audience. Be cautious about the information you're getting. It may not be the truth of the matter. The fact is, this is his life to manage.
This is his recovery. Not yours.
Let him do his work.
I ask this because my exABF will tell all sorts of stories that are different, depending on the audience. Be cautious about the information you're getting. It may not be the truth of the matter. The fact is, this is his life to manage.
This is his recovery. Not yours.
Let him do his work.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: United States
Posts: 38
I read this thread with interest. I totally get what your brother is feeling. I felt the same exact way. I am the alcoholic. The breakup with my gf was at first kinda mutual, but really she ended it due to my drinking. I've realized I lost a someone very special to me.
I am making great progress with the help of a therapist and meetings. However, we are not back together. While she says she is proud of what I'm doing and can see changes - she is not ready to get back on that ride again. My therapist (and an AA friend) pointed out to me that she has a right to leave it she wants to and I should respect her for her looking out for her needs and her sanity. I am told that I cannot pin my recovery on her but to look out for myself or I won't be good for her if we do get back together someday or any other woman I get involved with.
I was angry too and hurt -- why not another chance that I'm serious? I'm trying to leave it in Gods hands and continue to work on myself. It's very hard tho when you realize your addiction caused pain to someone you truly cared about and you lost them because of it.
I am making great progress with the help of a therapist and meetings. However, we are not back together. While she says she is proud of what I'm doing and can see changes - she is not ready to get back on that ride again. My therapist (and an AA friend) pointed out to me that she has a right to leave it she wants to and I should respect her for her looking out for her needs and her sanity. I am told that I cannot pin my recovery on her but to look out for myself or I won't be good for her if we do get back together someday or any other woman I get involved with.
I was angry too and hurt -- why not another chance that I'm serious? I'm trying to leave it in Gods hands and continue to work on myself. It's very hard tho when you realize your addiction caused pain to someone you truly cared about and you lost them because of it.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 2,052
He doesn't get what he wants. Just like she didn't. She has let go and moved on. He has to do the same and has not earned the right to be righteous, angry, or resentful. He earned the right to be single and he got exactly what he earned.
This is one of the facing the consequences of your actions moments we adults have to accept-- even when we don't want to.
Perhaps as he continues to work his recovery program he will learn how to let this go. In the meantime he has to leave her the hell alone-- it's not fair to her at all if he involves her, yet again, in his alcoholic drama-- even when it's recovering alcoholic drama. He lost her. It's his fault. Now he get's to feel the pain, regret, and sorrow in sobriety. Just like those of us who love alcoholics have to do over and over and over until we find recovery ourselves in Alanon or other programs.
Sometimes in life there is no "do-over." This is one of those times.
Lastly, and has been pointed out before, I know you love him and care for him, but this is none of your business. It's his disease, his recovery, and his life. People butting into his life and his responsibilities, enabling him, and protecting him from consequences were big contributions to his drinking and the length of time it took him to almost kill himself and find some sobriety. You are trying to protect him now.
Stop.
Take what you want and leave the rest.
Cyranoak
This is one of the facing the consequences of your actions moments we adults have to accept-- even when we don't want to.
Perhaps as he continues to work his recovery program he will learn how to let this go. In the meantime he has to leave her the hell alone-- it's not fair to her at all if he involves her, yet again, in his alcoholic drama-- even when it's recovering alcoholic drama. He lost her. It's his fault. Now he get's to feel the pain, regret, and sorrow in sobriety. Just like those of us who love alcoholics have to do over and over and over until we find recovery ourselves in Alanon or other programs.
Sometimes in life there is no "do-over." This is one of those times.
Lastly, and has been pointed out before, I know you love him and care for him, but this is none of your business. It's his disease, his recovery, and his life. People butting into his life and his responsibilities, enabling him, and protecting him from consequences were big contributions to his drinking and the length of time it took him to almost kill himself and find some sobriety. You are trying to protect him now.
Stop.
Take what you want and leave the rest.
Cyranoak
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