Eyes now open to an AW...

Old 07-14-2011, 09:11 AM
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Eyes now open to an AW...

This is my first post.

I'm not really sure what to say. So much has happened over the last few years that it's hard to write it all down in one post. I'll try to keep it short as possible.

I guess what has really triggered all this is that I started a diary about a month ago after a trip to a friends house to swim. It was myself, my son and my "aw" (i didn't really know this at the time). The diary was started so I could document everything that happens with us from day to day. I have a hard time remembering details of what has happened (she doesn't) so I decided to write it all down. I've ventured to do this several times but things would get better between us and I'd let it go. I was really concerned and figured I had to do it and not stop, I'd even document the good days too.

During the ride to our friends house she confided in me that she had contemplated harming herself because of the way things have been between us. She told me that she'd researched ways to do it and even how she thought she would. One of her coworkers children had recently harmed himself using helium. She claimed it was supposed to be painless and that would be her choice. This really scared me and got me to thinking of how I should handle it. The first thing I did was go home and change the combination on my gunsafe. Since then I've been writing in my phone diary a little something every day.

If we go backwards a little from there. My wife has had trouble for a long time managing money. She never has enough no matter what she has. About a year ago I took her off my checking account and separated our bills because I was tired of her causing our account to go overdrawn. When I'd tell her she couldn't go spend money because we didn't have it she would say I'm controlling. This way she has her bills and I have mine. Her non-discretionary spending (fixed bills) was about 50% of her take home pay. Mine was over 90% and I had to cover all unexpected things. I make about twice what she does. Even with her bills set up that way she would always ask me for money. And when she needed help paying something like her car note it wouldn't be "I need a little money to help me pay it", I'd have to pay the whole thing. I was always wondering what was happening to her money (I had no idea).

Now fast forward a little to about 4 months ago. I got tired of paying her car note for her and I guess she got tired of paying it too. We woke up one morning and her car was gone. Repo man payed us a visit in the middle of the night. She, as always, blamed me because I didn't help her pay the note. I started working on how to get some transportation for her to get to work and found one of my friends had a nice 20 year old car that only had 100k on it (it was his second car) so I paid him cash for it and took it home. She drove it a few days and came home one day and told me she took money out of her 401k to buy something. I'm driving the car now and I parked my truck to save on gas money. She bought a jeep and is driving it.

The reason I mention this is because that triggered something in her to confess to me about a drinking problem she had. I knew nothing about it and was floored when she came out of OUR closet with a big purse that had about 10 empty vodka bottles in it. I didn't know what to think or do. She said she was showing me because she needed help. We kinda let it go that day because I was really pissed and needed to think about the situation. Days later when I mentioned it she claimed it was over and wouldn't happen again. So I trusted her and let it go.

Okay fast forward a little more to last week when I came home from work at my usual time around 12:30am and noticed the garage garbage can bag was out of the can, tied up and laying behind her jeep. This was very unusual for her and I don't think she has ever touched that bag. To make it even more suspicious I had just put that bag in there and I could see that it wasn't even half full.

The next night when I came home the bag was gone from behind her Jeep and she had put it in the can we push to the street(city can). This was even more suspicious because she always throws the house garbage bag in the garage floor and I take it to the city can. I made it a point to look in that garbage bag the next morning. Guess what? I found a 750ml empty bottle in there. My suspicions were correct. After that I started looking around the house and found 5 more empty bottles 375ml in a coat in our closet. She has one side and I have the other so I never have to interact with her clothes. I took pictures of all of them and added them to my diary.

A couple of nights ago after spending some time at work reading about closet drinkers on this site and how they hide their habit/disease I walked by that same can in the garage I noticed a water bottle that was a different brand than what we buy a wally world so I picked it up, opened it and took a sniff and sure enough it smelled like straight vodka.

Last night when I got home I found a new vodka bottle (empty) in an empty purse hanging in her closet. She was very irritable and edgy which I've always thought was her adhd. She was diagnosed with adhd last summer and has been on Adderall and Xanex. I see now it's the alcohol making her act like that.

How could I have been so blind with all this going on right under my nose. I'm very upset that all this time of her blaming me for our problems and our arguments that all this time it was probably the alcohol causing it. Now I can see things and why they are happening because now my eyes are open.

I don't know how to handle this. I haven't told her that I've found any of this because I know the fight will be on and I don't want to deal with it. I have marked all the bottles with a small dot so maybe I can keep track of how much she's drinking while I figure this out. Looking back I can see now that this has been going on for years right under my nose. All the little signs I'm seeing now I remember were there all along.

So sorry this was so long but I wanted to get it all out there on the table.


458Cooper
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Old 07-14-2011, 09:31 AM
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Cooper,

I know you must be feeling overwhelmed by all of this right now. Welcome to SR - there are a lot of people who have been through what you are going through right now.

The good news is that you don't have to make any decisions about this today.

I am so sorry you are going through this. Please keep coming back. There are solutions available to you. I would suggest Al-Anon as a place you might find helpful. I know that I have.

Again, others will be along to offer their welcome, experience strength and hope. In the meantime, take a glance at the "stickies" at the top of this forum.
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Old 07-14-2011, 10:03 AM
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Cooper, welcome to SR.

I am so sorry you have to be going through this but you are not alone. Many of us here have experienced the exact same things that you are going through and know what is like.

An important thing you will see here a lot is the 3 C's. You didn't cause it, you can't control it and you can't cure it.

What you can do is learn how to take care of your self. I also strongly recommend going to Al-Anon. It can be a life saver.

Visit and post often. It really helps and there is lots of wisdom and experience here to draw upon.

Your friend,
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Old 07-14-2011, 11:34 AM
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Keeping a diary and pictures is probably a good idea. I hadn't really thought of it, but it might not help in my case. My AW won't admit to being drunk... even while she's drunk... much less a week later.

She'll admit that she drinks... no problem there... she just refuses to admit that she ever gets drunk, or that it's a problem.

The fact that your wife admits she has a problem could be a positive sign. I hope things work out for you.
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Old 07-14-2011, 03:50 PM
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I'll pile on with the recommendation for Al-Anon. It is truly a lifesaver for anyone whose life is profoundly affected by someone else's drinking.

I also strongly suggest that (maybe even before you have a talk with her) you educate yourself a bit about alcoholism. There are a lot of misconceptions floating around out there. I recommend that you read a book called "Under the Influence" (excerpts are available here. Another good read is the AA Big Book (especially the first 164 pages). You can read the Big Book online here.

Doesn't hurt to know what you're dealing with.

Welcome, glad you're here.
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Old 07-14-2011, 04:47 PM
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I second that educating yourself about alcoholism is a very good idea. Oh, the things I have learned in the past year since starting on this journey! Once you know what your dealing with it is easier to make decisions about what to do next. This forum has been very helpful to me, so has al-anon, and a few open AA meetings. I have also read "Co-dependent No More" and some of the other "classics".
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Old 07-14-2011, 06:58 PM
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Your post made me laugh...Thanks!

Why did it make me laugh? Because I was just like you. Blinded for 2 years or more
from a freaking Vodka bottle.. Amazing crap, isnt it? I felt so dumb that this
was happening in my own house & I did not see it...Blows my mind still...

Your on the right path, finding people who understand & people who have been exactly where you are today. Hope you find a Alanon class for YOU & get those books that were recommended in the previous post, and keep on posting on this site.

As far as marking the bottles, dont waste your time or ink. That's her problem
not yours. ...YOU can not fix her (get her sober) and YOU control her (drinking or issues)

She has to do it on her own. The saying "Let Go & Let God" will find you much peace!
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Old 07-14-2011, 07:04 PM
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Harming herself? If your referring to susicide, I believe there are 1-800 phone numbers for help or call your local Health & Welfare office to see what they suggest.

Has she been to a counselor?

Hand her the phone# to a rehab center or directions to a AA class

That's so scarey, been there done that too with mine
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Old 07-14-2011, 09:12 PM
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First, don't blame yourself. Thats like not knowing the symptoms of a disease until after you've been diagnosed. AFTER you know you look back and say, "hmmm...now that makes sense".

I've been where you are, except I knew the warning signs and ignored them anyways.

I've also found empty bottles, dated empty bottles (to throw back in the drunk's face when he claimed they were old), and marked partially filled bottles (which doesn't work because they may just refill it with water or another "new" bottle of alcohol).

This path is exhausting. It takes so much time and energy (physical and emotional) to monitor the alcoholic that we forget about ourselves. Like you said, take time to evaluate your situation, research the disease, look inside yourself, and in time you will figure out what is best for you.

The hardest part for me (dealing with an alcoholic father and fiance) is accepting the fact that there is NOTHING I can do to keep them sober or trigger the "need" for a drink.

Good luck on your journey. I hope you find peace. Please post anytime you need to, as it helps you and all of us reading your post too!!
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Old 07-17-2011, 12:39 PM
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Thanks to everyone for the warm welcomes.

I'll check into the books and keep the 3 c's in mind. I've already found some podcast for al-anon on itunes and have been listening to them. I've also spent a lot of time reading these post.

At this point in our relationship I don't think I care for her anymore and just want out. My only problem is I have two sons, one 18 and one 4. I can't just leave, I pictured myself doing that in my head and all I could see was looking back at a house on fire and leaving my young son in there. My oldest lives with his mom in another state.

I'm going to go see an attorney next month and see what my options are. I want her to get out of the house so me and little C can have some happy times. Knowing the way the law tends to favor leaving the child with the mother that probably won't happen.

Anyone have any experience with a situation like this?

I still haven't told her I found her stash but this weekend she wanted the combo to my gunsafe and I refused to give it to her. She wanted to know why and I told her the truth that after what she said she didn't need access to my guns. She claimed she was just kidding. Isn't that what they all say after they've cooled off?

The only reason I was marking the bottles was for my own curiosity to maybe see just how much she was drinking.

She went to the liquor store I'm pretty sure last night. She said she had to go get a scrip filled that was called in. It should have taken her 10 minutes. She came back about 30 minutes later and was in a much happier mood. That wears off pretty quick though and she gets into the easily agitated mood withing a couple of hours. I woke up the next morning and she was sprawled out on the couch with a glass of OJ on the floor. It didn't smell like it had vodka in it though.


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Old 07-17-2011, 12:49 PM
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Assuming there IS still a "presumption" in favor of very young kids staying with mom, that is out the window when alcoholism and addiction are involved. Your wife is drinking, and asking for the combo to the gun safe???

Sheesh, I think for any judge that's a no-brainer. I wouldn't expect her to admit it in court, though.

Please see a lawyer ASAP so you and the little guy can be in a safe place. Seeing a lawyer commits you to nothing, but it will give you info on what your rights and responsibilities are.
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Old 07-17-2011, 01:21 PM
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Document everything, and at least set up a consultation with an attorney.
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Old 07-17-2011, 01:24 PM
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So sorry for you dude, and for your wife. (She is living an awful life also)

Sure protect yourself and learn how not to be an enabler.

I could be putting my neck out here but maybe try to establish if she wants help, real help which with her level on consumption amounts to residential rehab.

Look after yourself first, then the kids, wife comes third.
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Old 08-11-2011, 07:36 PM
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The arguing is never ending. Even when I try to walk away she keeps on. It's hard sometimes not to want to defend myself when she makes such outrageous statements. She sees everything I do in a negative way, no matter what it is.

Let me pose one of the recent arguments we had and I will be as honest as I can and you guys decide if I'm crazy for making the decision I made.

I have two sons. One just turned 18 last month and the other will be four in October. My oldest son's mother and I have always gotten along and really never had any problems. We kept his best interest at heart and it has worked out great. For his 18th birthday his mother and I bought him a skydiving experience and we split the cost. This is his 18th birthday and suppose to be a special one.

My youngest son has had a few cavities and had some work done on the. He had one more trip to the dentist to finish up.

This same month my wife's clutch went out in her jeep. It cost me over $700 to get it going again. The water heater went out and that was $100 to get repaired. If you read my first post you know my financial situation (money is always tight).

I asked my wife to put off the youngest son dental appointment until next the next month when I would have the money. She took him anyway and I told her she was going to have to pay that herself if she insisted on taking him that month.

Her suggestion to me was to put off my oldest son's birthday present until the next month because the dental appointment was more important.

She has pretty much tried to make me out to be a bad parent because of this. Trying to make me feel guilty for the decision I made and not paying for the dental trip. Because she had to pay for it she's struggling with money again the month and it's my fault.

Am I Crazy?

I'd love to go see a lawyer and end this nightmare but I have to keep a roof over our head first and lawyers aren't cheap.
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Old 08-11-2011, 07:59 PM
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I think it's hard to say one way or another what's right/wrong in choosing this/that for this/that kid. The thing that sucks is arguing constantly about everything. I live it daily. I also have a son with an alcoholicbf and always feel so threatened about losing him because I feel like he and his mom would lie. BUT, I know who I am and can't live with the consequences of staying w/ him anymore. They are too painful and it is too emotional for me and my son. So I am leaving.

Listen to your head, not your heart in this situation.
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Old 08-11-2011, 09:12 PM
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When you had the conversation with your wife in the car and she said she wanted to self-harm, was your son in the car at the same time? That sounds like a really dreadful thing for a young boy to hear.

On the other hand, you will have a lot of thoughts and emotions running through your mind at this stage. Try to take each one separately and don't let all your problems pile up together otherwise they will be even harder to deal with.
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Old 08-12-2011, 04:00 AM
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Putting off a 4 year old baby tooth filling is no big deal... tooth is not permanent anyway! The 18th birthday gift was time sensitive (the opportunity of a lifetime must be seized in the lifetime of the opportunity)... and that magical age will be some of the best times and memories for your oldest.

I am with you on your decision making process ... but life is never black and white and your wife NEEDS to tear you down to feel better about herself. Understanding the psychological reasons for her bizarre thinking patterns and actions will help you realize that it is not you really... she is just acting out her addiction in a manner that is very normal for an addict. You are on the alcoholic crazy train where everything is like walking through the looking glass.

Coming to this website is like taking the pill in the Matrix... helps you see the truth and the reality! IF only we could all just wake up like Alice and it was all just a bad dream!
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Old 08-12-2011, 04:46 AM
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Coop, I'm going to say it again, get yourself to some al-anon meetings. It is a great place to begin your recovery. You may not realize it but your AW's drinking has had a major impact on you. I know from experience that it is really hard to make important decisions when you are embracing the chaos. I know that I am much saner now that Iam working my recovery.

Your friend,
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Old 08-12-2011, 05:13 AM
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I honestly don't see the "issue" being the tooth vs. birthday present.

Couples often disagree.
The idea is to be able to come to a peaceful agreement and have both people leave feeling "heard" and being able to honor the decision.

The fact that you guys can't resolve it with out you going into a tail spin seems to be the problem. I'm not saying that YOU are the problem, just that the relationship is in such a bad place that you being so upset about this is a result of the larger issue.

In terms of the actual issue:
I would have asked the dentist: Is the younger child in pain? Is there any risk for more tooth decay if we wait a month?
If the answers to those questions are yes then I believe health takes precedence over a birthday gift - 18, 21, 50 whatever health comes first.
I also would have asked the dentist for a payment plan up front after explaining the situation. Maybe the whole incident could have been avoided.
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Old 08-12-2011, 06:51 AM
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Originally Posted by m1k3 View Post
Coop, I'm going to say it again, get yourself to some al-anon meetings. It is a great place to begin your recovery.
WELCOME to this wonderful place of SOBERRECOVERY!! i see you met my friends...and i will tell you..they have alot of wisdom in this place...we are serious about this recovery we do for ourselves...yes, its OURS not the A's or NA's or the CA's...it yours and mine......

i did not know i needed AL ANON..it just popped in my head one day...i did not like what i was becoming (especially around my kids)....started going to them...they say at least go to 6 meetings..if you dont like one group, go to another...here in this region i have plenty to pick from...and well, they are my family now..every single group

the A in your life: needs to hit their own rock bottom, until then NOTHING will work...its a waste of TIME AND ENERGY....

be self care with yourself and you little boy....
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