wanttobehealthy

Has anyone had experience (good or bad) trying to go the route of mediation when divorcing? I'd really like to go this route bc a) it's less costly and b) it's less contentious.

I met with an attorney this morning whose speciality is mediation and is a strong trial lawyer too and he told me that it was highly unlikely that mediation with an addict will work.

I trust his professional judgement, but I did wonder if anyone here had personal experience with this?

Alone22

Hi WTBH! I have a close friend who is divorcing her AH at this time and mediation worked for them. He is a mean A who is very controlling and I never in my wildest dreams would have thought it would have been this easy with them. I would think it is worth a try. Is there a down side to trying?

Best of luck to you.

wanttobehealthy

Thanks alone... I guess the downside is that if it doesn't work then I've wasted a lot of money trying and have to start over with someone else... But I feel, in my gut, that it's worth a try.

AH's m.o. is to argue, refuse to do things and be uncooperative but when he sees I am serious he turns his opinions around-- granted that didn't apply to recovery but I think that right now he's refusing to consider mediation bc in his mind he believes that if he refuses it means I won't go fwd with the divorce...

blueblooms14

Yes, that's pretty widely agreed-upon in mediation circles. William Eddy's website and books are really good in helping assess these questions. (high conflict institute)

I agree with Alone- no harm in trying.

laurie6781

Good to see you WTBH as I was starting to really wonder how y'all were doing.

I would say go for the mediation. I believe his reluctance is that he won't be able to 'bully' in a mediation hearing and will have to 'behave' himself as it is a form of court. Gee he's really going to have to 'act' like an adult to 'save face.'

Or he will sit there and not agree to anything so you end up going to court. However, what he doesn't realize is that a 'report of why the mediation did not work' goes to the Judge.

So yep, if it were me, I would try the mediation.

J M H O

Please don't be a stranger, my 'codie' side was rearing it's ugly head as I was worrying about you, lol

Love and hugs,

wanttobehealthy

Hi Laurie! I've been okay-- just realizing that I needed some time to force myself to make decisions without relying on the comfort of support boards (if that makes any sense?). I needed to sit with my discomfort and worry and make tough decisions and I realized that when I was here a ton I was spending a lot more time talking about things I needed to do rather than doing them. So, I wrapped up the end of my job (that was ROUGH), started summer with the girls, went to my brother's wedding, am job searching (and have a few good prospects) and am on the path to divorce and feel a lot more clear headed than a few weeks ago...

I'm not sure it's codie to be concerned/care about others btw... I think that we're so used to seeing so many of our behaviors as codie that sometimes good old fashioned compassion gets identified (by ourselves- me included) as being codie... I think that a lot of us care about each other on here and when someone disappears and you've grown to care about them, you hope they're okay-- that sounds like having a good heart to me!

Sorry to have worried you--

DMC

Mediation worked for me.

My XAH was halfway across the country and in "ill health" per his lawyer (um, duh), so he did his part over the telephone. Mostly we were negotiating alimony, as I make a very good living and he hadn't worked in 5 years.

Our mediator was very frank with him that was he was asking for was unreasonable and we ended up meeting in the middle. It was still challenging, but a LOT easier than going to court. Cheaper too.

His lawyer must have beat into him that this is a no-fault state, and that I WILL get the divorce, and if he wanted any say in it, he'd have to participate. Or something like that.

Now, my XAH was not abusive or controlling in any way. Mostly he was inert and didn't do anything. I do distinctly remember them asking multiple times if I was afraid or intimidated of him, so I'm certain that they take extra precautions in those instances.

LexieCat

Yeah, I think mediation is inappropriate in an abusive situation, but for your garden-variety alcoholic, it can work. There are a lot of up-sides, and one of the biggest, to me, is that you get an agreement out of it (if it works). It's harder for him to play the victim card when the settlement is something he AGREED to.

I think it is definitely worth a try. If it isn't going to work, you will probably realize it early on, and you can then move directly to Plan B.

lillamy

That would be my primary instinct, too. If you do decide to give it a shot, however -- read the fine print thoroughly. In some states, if you come to an agreement through mediation and sign it, you waive your right to take it to court. That's a huge big whopping WTF in my analysis of the judicial system, and one that makes it more likely that a manipulative addict would want mediation. Because if they can manipulate you into accepting something ridiculous, you've got no recourse later.

wanttobehealthy

Thanks everyone-- I appreciate the thoughts/feedback... I think that I'm going to give it a try and I think that it will be clear (at least to me) early on whether he's bs'ing everyone and not on board or really is on board. I feel good about the lawyer I've seen and feel comfortable with him and I like that he's got experience dealing with addicts-- that's a huge plus in my book!

Ladybug0130

I decided there was no way I could do mediation with my STBXAH. He is totally irrational and thinks I am having an affair (which I am not) and stealing all of HIS money and I need to pay for what I have done. He also changes his opinions on everything each day. So, one day I talk to him and it's "I want you and the kids to have everything" and the next he wants me to be homeless and penniless.

In my case, a lawyer has been money well-spent because I haven't had to speak with him at all. He, on the other hand, leaves me a message almost every day about how we need to talk and I need to be a "big girl" and we need to stop wasting money on "f---ing lawyers!" Each call reminds me of how happy I am to have a lawyer.

Of course, if your ex is reasonable it might be great. I am just thinking it doesn't work for severe alcoholics who won't agree to anything reasonable.

Carol Star

My AXH wrote the seperation agreement and it was fair. I guess I was lucky. It saved money with lawyers.

Jadmack25

Mediation may even work to YOUR benefit....if he quacks, moans and explodes in front of mediator as it re-inforces all you experienced trying to have a conversation in the past. Pal of mine had such a blow up from her ex, that mediator actually told judge that he felt threatened and enraged at comments.

Did only good for her, as her ex had been able to portray himself as Mr Perfect Pastor.