No more free passes
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Seeking Peace
Posts: 1,371
No more free passes
Suki added this phrase to Mike's earlier post about favorite SR sayings and phrases:
I gotta say, a lightbulb came on for me.
I evicted my exah from my home on Easter Sunday (10, maybe 11 weeks ago...). I evicted him because his drinking was out of control and his behavior was completely and totally unacceptable.
He poisoned my home with his crap...his baseless jealous accusations of infidelity...not sleeping...making sure that I didn't sleep either...just behaving like an all-around jerk all got to be too much so out he went.
His family allowed him to live with them for less than a week before they threw him out.
A friend of his let him live with him for about a month before he decided that he'd had enough and exah was thrown out of that house as well.
So exah has been basically homeless...living in his van...for the last 5 or 6 weeks.
In the last 5 or 6 weeks, he has been in the hospital with near-fatal kidney failure and in the psych ward for hallucinations (probably caused by DTs).
He's very bad off in his addiction (to put it mildly).
It's easy to see that he is going to kill himself with his drinking if something major doesn't happen.
Five days ago he called saying he had had enough. he wanted to go into treatment. Of course, I sprang into action, I called the nearest rehab facility, made sure his insurance would cover him, and I went to pick my exah up from his van where he had parked and was living - in a grocery store parking lot. I guess I spang into action partly out of habit...but also partly because this man is my son's father and I feel an obligation to do what I can to help him get better as long as it doesn't compromise my well-being.
My exah was so drunk.
Once he got in my car his behavior was vile and offensive. He was grabby...he said alot of very hateful and vile things to me...AT one point I stopped the car and told him to get out because I was so angry. but he was trashed and I didn't want to leave him in that condition so I talked him back into getting into the car and I delivered him to the rehab facility.
I pulled up to the front of the facility, threw a small bag of clothes and toiletries onto the curb and sped away. He was free to walk in or walk away but at least I had delivered him to the facility.
And I haven't looked back.
Exah is still in rehab. He calls and leaves messages (as I won't answer his calls) where he says all the things I would have loved to have heard before...like he knows how much damage he has done with his drinking, how he's going to work his butt off to finally get better, how he's never going back to his old ways, how he loves me, wants his family back, . and on and on and on blah blah blah blah blah.
Whatever.
No longer does this man get a pass from me for his unacceptable behavior because he's an addict and alcoholic.
He's been a selfish, manipulative, reckless, demanding, rude, vile person for years now. I used to attribute alot of these qualities to the drugs and alocohol. Now I just attribute them to the fact that he's an a**hat (to borrow a phrase from suki).
I'm not going to any family counseling sessions at the rehab center. I"m not getting involved.
I'm not worrying about where he will go when he gets out since he's homeless.
I'm going to my al anon meetings, reading my al anon literature, and hanging out here.
Maybe he's a different person when he's clean and sober - maybe his good qualities - the ones that drew me to him in the first place - will come back. I don't know. He could morph into a combination of george clooney, ghandi, and daddy warbucks and it still wouldn't matter (although the george clooney thing would be tempting...)
I don't want anything to do with him. Clean or not clean...recovered or not...it doesn't matter. You mistreat me, you're gone. Period. Alcohol and drugs don't excuse your poor behavior.
Wring the alcohol out of an a$$hat and you still have an a$$hat
I evicted my exah from my home on Easter Sunday (10, maybe 11 weeks ago...). I evicted him because his drinking was out of control and his behavior was completely and totally unacceptable.
He poisoned my home with his crap...his baseless jealous accusations of infidelity...not sleeping...making sure that I didn't sleep either...just behaving like an all-around jerk all got to be too much so out he went.
His family allowed him to live with them for less than a week before they threw him out.
A friend of his let him live with him for about a month before he decided that he'd had enough and exah was thrown out of that house as well.
So exah has been basically homeless...living in his van...for the last 5 or 6 weeks.
In the last 5 or 6 weeks, he has been in the hospital with near-fatal kidney failure and in the psych ward for hallucinations (probably caused by DTs).
He's very bad off in his addiction (to put it mildly).
It's easy to see that he is going to kill himself with his drinking if something major doesn't happen.
Five days ago he called saying he had had enough. he wanted to go into treatment. Of course, I sprang into action, I called the nearest rehab facility, made sure his insurance would cover him, and I went to pick my exah up from his van where he had parked and was living - in a grocery store parking lot. I guess I spang into action partly out of habit...but also partly because this man is my son's father and I feel an obligation to do what I can to help him get better as long as it doesn't compromise my well-being.
My exah was so drunk.
Once he got in my car his behavior was vile and offensive. He was grabby...he said alot of very hateful and vile things to me...AT one point I stopped the car and told him to get out because I was so angry. but he was trashed and I didn't want to leave him in that condition so I talked him back into getting into the car and I delivered him to the rehab facility.
I pulled up to the front of the facility, threw a small bag of clothes and toiletries onto the curb and sped away. He was free to walk in or walk away but at least I had delivered him to the facility.
And I haven't looked back.
Exah is still in rehab. He calls and leaves messages (as I won't answer his calls) where he says all the things I would have loved to have heard before...like he knows how much damage he has done with his drinking, how he's going to work his butt off to finally get better, how he's never going back to his old ways, how he loves me, wants his family back, . and on and on and on blah blah blah blah blah.
Whatever.
No longer does this man get a pass from me for his unacceptable behavior because he's an addict and alcoholic.
He's been a selfish, manipulative, reckless, demanding, rude, vile person for years now. I used to attribute alot of these qualities to the drugs and alocohol. Now I just attribute them to the fact that he's an a**hat (to borrow a phrase from suki).
I'm not going to any family counseling sessions at the rehab center. I"m not getting involved.
I'm not worrying about where he will go when he gets out since he's homeless.
I'm going to my al anon meetings, reading my al anon literature, and hanging out here.
Maybe he's a different person when he's clean and sober - maybe his good qualities - the ones that drew me to him in the first place - will come back. I don't know. He could morph into a combination of george clooney, ghandi, and daddy warbucks and it still wouldn't matter (although the george clooney thing would be tempting...)
I don't want anything to do with him. Clean or not clean...recovered or not...it doesn't matter. You mistreat me, you're gone. Period. Alcohol and drugs don't excuse your poor behavior.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,870
Good on ya! Take care of yourself and your son. Your ex will either take care of himself or he won't. As awful as alcoholism is, sometimes I feel like it gets the blame for some things that really have nothing to do with alcohol. Some people are just jerks.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Seeking Peace
Posts: 1,371
Thanks guys!
I know my post was redulously long. I just had to get that out there.
I deserve so much more.
I've deserved so much more for years now.
And the only person who can make sure i get what i deserve is ME.
I know my post was redulously long. I just had to get that out there.I deserve so much more.
I've deserved so much more for years now.
And the only person who can make sure i get what i deserve is ME.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: NJ
Posts: 20,458
Originally Posted by outonalimb 
Thanks guys! I know my post was redulously long. I just had to get that out there.
I deserve so much more.
I've deserved so much more for years now.
And the only person who can make sure i get what i deserve is ME.
I know my post was redulously long. I just had to get that out there.I deserve so much more.
I've deserved so much more for years now.
And the only person who can make sure i get what i deserve is ME.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 287
"You mistreat me, you're gone. Period. Alcohol and drugs don't excuse your poor behavior."
I love this. There are alot of men out there that have no addiction and still treat women like vile a**hats and we don't excuse them. Bad behavior is bad behavior. Addiction should be no different. It's amazing the clarity that comes when we are pushed to our absolute limits.
I love this. There are alot of men out there that have no addiction and still treat women like vile a**hats and we don't excuse them. Bad behavior is bad behavior. Addiction should be no different. It's amazing the clarity that comes when we are pushed to our absolute limits.
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