Bewitched

I married my husband when I was 18. He used to drink after he'd take me home on our dates. I never worried about it, never thought about it. His grandfather, whom he loved and idolized, was a functioning alcoholic. I can count on one hand the number of times that I had seen my husband drink from the time we were married in 1990 until 2005, when he returned from Iraq. His behavior changed. He was "off." It took me years to finally figure it out. Then, I started finding hidden bottles and smelling it on his breath. His poison was Jim Beam. Then, he started vodka under the false impression that I couldn't smell it. Both are now his poisons plus beer. Last summer, I found him using a secret cell phone texting a female co-worker. Phone log showed that he called her a lot, texted her a lot. They both say they were "just friends." Neither will admit to a physical affair. He lies constantly about drinking and everything else, so there is no way that I believe his on this one. We are reconciling that. I've done all the things we all do in the beginning -- beg, bargain, plead, curse, scream, forbid. Nothing works. He became physically abusive last Sept-Dec, after I found the cell phone and he realized he was losing everything. He also was diagnosed with PTSD from Iraq and started seeing a VA counselor. He was suicidal and attempted suicide once that I know of. He even threatened to kill me 3 times during this bad phase. He had a meltdown on 12/30/10 that ended with him staying 4 days at a VA psych ward. He is on several meds now that keep his anger/violence down. The physical abuse has stopped. No more death threats. The drinking continues on top of all of the psych meds. I am trying to detach. I know he has to hit rock bottom. I am afraid of what that might entail considering physically hurting me and threatening to kill me wasn't enough for him to stop drinking or get help with drinking. Even being basically broke all the time with the added expense of buying alcohol doesn't matter. I keep praying for pancreatitis (mean, I know). I attended my first online al-anon meeting last night. I don't have live meetings available to me. I really didn't get anything from the meeting. Can anyone suggest a website or links for reading material to me? As long as I pretend that everything is okay, we do great. He works hard, is good to me and our kids, helps with house chores, is supportive of me, etc. I am just so afraid that the alcohol is going to get us right back where we were last summer/fall. I honestly don't know what to do or how much more I can take.

Just4me

I'm so sorry. I know what you mean. The 80% of the time mine is sober he's the best guy ever. But the other 20% is so miserable, it cancels out the good. Keep reading all the posts here. Lots of people with similar stories and advice that may or may not apply to you. I know others can suggest books for helping yourself. I have also found that understanding alcholism has helped me too.

Best of luck! Oh, and vent here whenever you need to. It really helps you work through some of those feelings. At least, thats one thing that helps me!

Bewitched

I guess I shouldn't complain, really. Even when drinking, he is good. I mean he is in good spirits. He isn't mean or degrading. Heck, most people that don't live with him daily don't know he is drunk. He hides it very well. The abuse/violence/crazy was PTSD related. It just all came to a head last winter. I'm just afraid, ya know? Afraid that another year goes by, the alcohol worsens or the PTSD doesn't respond to the meds (and alcohol makes PTSD worse as it doesn't allow for proper treatment of PTSD) and we are right back to "needing" some ***** to talk to or becoming abusive again. Some days, I really hate my life.

LexieCat

Hi, and welcome.

How is it that meetings aren't available to you? None in your area? It REALLY helped me when I was at the end of my rope.

Apart from that, I strongly suggest that you contact a DV counselor. I have worked in many years in the domestic violence field, and your situation sounds quite dangerous to me.

Nobody should have to hate her life. There are things you can do to help yourself, even if he won't help himself. The alcoholism is likely to get worse, and with it, the violence. Do you have children? Is he still in the military?

Freedom1990

Hello Bewitched and welcome to SR!

I am grievously concerned for your safety since he is drinking on top of his psychiatric meds. That is a time bomb waiting to go off.

What if he does kill you the next time?

It happens every day...the death of a woman at the hands of her significant other.

How valuable is your own life to you? I'm really concerned!

Bewitched

I'm sorry to worry everyone. He is no longer violent at all. Believe me, at the first sign of violence, I am gone this time. I stayed the last time because he was suicidal and well, my father was a Vietnam vet and had PTSD. He killed himself in 1998. I've never gotten over it. I felt I owed my H something. I've since learned better and I will NOT subject myself to that again EVER.

There are no local Al-Anon meetings in my area, that is why they are not available to me.

He is retired from the military. I am in the process of finding my own counselor, someone that knows PTSD, alcohol addiction and anger.

Tuffgirl

Welcome, Bewitched. Hope you find support from the fine people at SR like I have. I, too, see a counselor with an addictions specialty...is very helpful.

I am sorry that your situation brought you here, but you'll find you are not alone.

Take good care,
~T

dollydo

Welcome, keep posting, it will help you to have the support of others who understand what you are going through.

mishabear

I was also in an abusive relationship with an iraq vet with ptsd that just ended recently..feel free to PM some time. god bless sister

tigger11

I also suggest a domestic violence (DV) counselor. That's where I turned a year and a half ago. She has helped me work on my self esteem, among other things. I suggest you work on YOU, not HIS PTSD, or HIS alcoholism or HIS anger. Just YOU! You're SO worth it!