codebear

Wow, writing for the first time is really hard for me. I wanted to a few times, but the words dried up in my head each time. I might save my story for another time....

So I call my AP (partner - male couple - 10+ years together) from my work. We've always normally called each other a few times through the workday. He's a church organist, which unfortunately leaves him with way too much time on his hands during the week.

Anyway, he says he'll e-mail me a grocery list to pick up on the way home.

I ask him if it's things that he *can't* get from the store near the house (not like he does much of anything but couch surf or nap during the day).

"Well, I don't have any money. I've been surviving on change for the past few days."

So naturally I say "oh", and that I'll stop on the way.

After lots of reading on SR, it seems that picking up the groceries is enabling. If he didn't buy Jack Daniels multiple times per week, he could afford food. Am I thinking reasonably here?

This isn't the day for me to steadfastly not enable. My life feels like a series of challenges these days. Sometimes it's easier, like letting the unpaid bills continue to pile up on the desk, because they're all in his name, and it's a shame he's too busy drinking to pay bills.

But this one's one of the harder ones for me. Not as hard as the decision to leave would be, but definitely not ready for that one at all. It seems I somehow haven't yet hit my own rock bottom, not that I have any idea what that will be.

Hope this makes some sense. I guess I'm finally opening my mouth and saying something, and maybe I needed a first time. Thank you all for sharing as much as you do - I can't begin to tell you how much your postings have all helped me.

Just4me

I'm totally with you on that one!! I had to hit my rock bottom too! I think I'm finally there and looking for a place to live on my own. Anyways, I had the same problem the other day. I was at the grocery store and thinking, "oh, he likes this" and "I should get him some of those for the days I work late". I ended up just buying enough food for my favorite meal (which he doesn't like) and the basics...bread, lunchmeat, milk. Nothing special for him but things that I had to buy because I needed them too! I felt why should I spend my money on food for us when he spends his on Jack (mine too is a fan of Jack Daniels).

I'm glad you posted. The more you read you'll realize you're not alone. If you aren't ready to leave that is fine. Try to do what makes YOU comfortable. If buying him food helps you then do it. IF it causes anger and resentment then don't. While many of us are in similar situations, no two people deal with things the same way. You'll do what's best for you when you're ready. Trust your gut

Good luck!

suki44883

After lots of reading on SR, it seems that picking up the groceries is enabling. If he didn't buy Jack Daniels multiple times per week, he could afford food. Am I thinking reasonably here?

Yes, it is very reasonable to deduce that he spends food money on alcohol. I take it you are paying all the living expenses too? It's good that you are allowing those thoughts to come to your mind. It's a first step to realizing that you are giving a whole lot more than he is. Maybe you'll soon be able to take the next step of setting some boundaries for yourself.

Good luck, and welcome to SR! You'll find a lot of support here.

dollydo

Hi,

I agree, do what feels right to you. When I was with my exabf, I really let my enabling to get out of control. I entirely lost me, I became very resentful and I began to realize that I was being used. That was one of the many reasons I had to end my relationship with him.

Keep posting, we are here for you.

TakingCharge999

My XABF was also a fan of Jack. One time I told him Jack was the love of his life. The romance is ongoing, I gather.

Your thinking is reasonable.


Keep reading/posting! welcome to SR...

LexieCat

Those are always toughies for me--sometimes doing something someone else should be doing IS easier than waiting (in vain) for them to do it, but it is letting them off the hook for their responsibilities.

This is where you need to do a little creative thinking--maybe not this minute, since you presumably need food in the house, and right now it's easier to pick it up yourself--but in the near future give it some thought. What do YOU want in terms of how this responsibility works? What kind of boundary (which is a rule for you--what you will and will not accommodate) do you want to set? It sounds like the finances are one issue, and who will pick up the groceries is another. Maybe your boundary will be that you will pick up the essentials for the household, but not make any special trips to pick up whatever he happens to want.

There's no absolute right or wrong with stuff like this--it's all a matter of how you feel about it.

LifeRecovery

For myself I had to come to the conclusion if I was going already I could pick up items for my love one living with an addiction. I was not going to makea special trip. I also could not be a mind reader and try to "guess" what he needed. He was responsible for asking/telling me what he needed. Items like that were from a joint account so the money was not an issue.

Another thing that helped me was when I told him that to help my anxiety I needed some help around the house/chores (he could pick what he wanted). This helped me so much because often I would have a lower tolerance threshold and would end up just "doing" it then being resentful. Once we established what he was going to do I did not worry about his chores unless he brought it up. It took a huge weight off of me and allowed me to not feel responsible for everything. It took a lot of the guess work out of it for me too.

outonalimb

I'm glad you posted.

All those piled up resentments...eventually, they catch up with you.. If you feel resentful about having to do something, try not to do it. My gut was always a good indicator of where I needed to draw a boundary for myself.

Keep posting...
glad you're here...

Cmslind

I have also enabled by paying my abf's bills and the mortgage etc while he sits on the sofa allegedly looking for work on his laptop. I pulled the plug on that today. But one thing I also realized is that i was also letting him enable me in a way . . . He was home so he could walk the dog or let in a repairman or whatever . . . So I started to rely on his alcoholic lethargy for my own purposes, nice to have a sort of wife at home . . . Albeit a disabled one . . . So I could pursue my own career. He's going to rehab so I'll relearn how to depend only on myself. I'm looking forward to that. Maybe I was just further enabling him by giving him reasons to believe he contributed to the household, which assuaged his guilt over the unemployment and the booze.

LexieCat

Cmslind has a great point--yup, there are advantages in maintaining the status quo (often) for us, too. Let's not forget the "payoff" that can come from playing the martyr! And having an alcoholic partner can be a great excuse for not accomplishing what we should be accomplishing in life.

Many things we eventually become aware of...

codebear

Just wanted to thank all of you for your responses. They helped me pick up a little steam that day. Ups and downs since then, but maybe just today I'm detaching a little better, and feeling a little gratitude for my HP, and being thankful that you're all here, sharing things that really help me.

Tuffgirl

Yeah this place is awesome because we all have been down the same road in our own ways; its nice to not feel so alone. Keep coming back, codebear!
~T

OnMyWay11

I had not really thought of it in exactly those terms but you are right on the money. My rock bottom came after a night where he drank half a gallon of his friend Jimmy (that's what he calls Jim Beam) and a large portion of Jack as a chaser. I did not know that a human could drink that much in one sitting. His belligerence, hostility, and abuse at that point was more than I could take. That was my rock bottom and there were only two choices: get out of a toxic relationship driven by alcohol or learn to live with it. I chose option A. It is hard but it was the right choice for me and my children.