How I Objectify my AH
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How I Objectify my AH
I've been thinking a lot about this lately. And as you read, please know I'm not trying to excuse anything about the A, but I'm just really trying to come terms and be honest about my own role in the whole thing.
I've realized, that I objectify him. That is, I "use" him the same way men sometimes objectify women as sex objects. He is my "fun" object--I use him for the ways in which he involves me in fun times--I am quite reserved and would never "let go" if he weren't around. He's my "extrovert" object--I'm an introvert, and so I get to be the hanger on with all the friends he makes. He's the object of my martyrdom and self-righteousness--unpleasant characteristics of mine probably learned from childhood. This would explain why I get uncomfortable when the minister takes a liking to him over me, or when, in working on his issues, he exposes mine.
I realized this in an "aha" moment just recently, when recognizing that there is some small piece of me that slightly resistant to him stopping drinking, and the resistance is all about what I think I would lose in that equation. Pretty sick and pitiful.
On to my recovery from this!
Coincidentally, while I was mulling this over, I got my daily Richard Rohr meditation in my email. I love Richard Rohr. Here is what he has to say about objectifying and judging:
I've realized, that I objectify him. That is, I "use" him the same way men sometimes objectify women as sex objects. He is my "fun" object--I use him for the ways in which he involves me in fun times--I am quite reserved and would never "let go" if he weren't around. He's my "extrovert" object--I'm an introvert, and so I get to be the hanger on with all the friends he makes. He's the object of my martyrdom and self-righteousness--unpleasant characteristics of mine probably learned from childhood. This would explain why I get uncomfortable when the minister takes a liking to him over me, or when, in working on his issues, he exposes mine.
I realized this in an "aha" moment just recently, when recognizing that there is some small piece of me that slightly resistant to him stopping drinking, and the resistance is all about what I think I would lose in that equation. Pretty sick and pitiful.
On to my recovery from this!
Coincidentally, while I was mulling this over, I got my daily Richard Rohr meditation in my email. I love Richard Rohr. Here is what he has to say about objectifying and judging:
If we are to see as God sees, we must first become mirrors of “what is,” what is right in front of us. We must become a “no-thing” so that we can receive some-thing else as it is. Transformation of consciousness is this: We must be liberated from ourselves as the reference point for reality, stating our preferences moment by moment and making mental commentaries on every event—up or down. It really does not matter whether we like it or not—it just is. A spiritually transformed person stops looking at reality as an object, or even God as an object for my consumption. God becomes the co-seer with us, not the seen. Can you imagine that?
We really need to be saved from the tyranny of our own judgments, opinions and feelings about everything, the “undisciplined squads of emotions” that T. S. Eliot criticizes in his poetry. Our ego chooses to objectify everybody and everything else in the world—including God. God is never an object but always the one who sees with us. As Meister Eckhart put it, “The eyes with which we look back at God are the very same eyes with which God first looked at us.” That rearranges everything rather nicely.
Adapted from Radical Grace: Daily Meditations, p. 8, day 6
We really need to be saved from the tyranny of our own judgments, opinions and feelings about everything, the “undisciplined squads of emotions” that T. S. Eliot criticizes in his poetry. Our ego chooses to objectify everybody and everything else in the world—including God. God is never an object but always the one who sees with us. As Meister Eckhart put it, “The eyes with which we look back at God are the very same eyes with which God first looked at us.” That rearranges everything rather nicely.
Adapted from Radical Grace: Daily Meditations, p. 8, day 6
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I realized this in an "aha" moment just recently, when recognizing that there is some small piece of me that slightly resistant to him stopping drinking, and the resistance is all about what I think I would lose in that equation. Pretty sick and pitiful.
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Join Date: Mar 2011
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Originally Posted by SoloMio 
I've been thinking a lot about this lately. And as you read, please know I'm not trying to excuse anything about the A, but I'm just really trying to come terms and be honest about my own role in the whole thing.
I've realized, that I objectify him. That is, I "use" him the same way men sometimes objectify women as sex objects. He is my "fun" object--I use him for the ways in which he involves me in fun times--I am quite reserved and would never "let go" if he weren't around. He's my "extrovert" object--I'm an introvert, and so I get to be the hanger on with all the friends he makes. He's the object of my martyrdom and self-righteousness--unpleasant characteristics of mine probably learned from childhood. This would explain why I get uncomfortable when the minister takes a liking to him over me, or when, in working on his issues, he exposes mine.
I realized this in an "aha" moment just recently, when recognizing that there is some small piece of me that slightly resistant to him stopping drinking, and the resistance is all about what I think I would lose in that equation. Pretty sick and pitiful.
On to my recovery from this!
Coincidentally, while I was mulling this over, I got my daily Richard Rohr meditation in my email. I love Richard Rohr. Here is what he has to say about objectifying and judging:
I've realized, that I objectify him. That is, I "use" him the same way men sometimes objectify women as sex objects. He is my "fun" object--I use him for the ways in which he involves me in fun times--I am quite reserved and would never "let go" if he weren't around. He's my "extrovert" object--I'm an introvert, and so I get to be the hanger on with all the friends he makes. He's the object of my martyrdom and self-righteousness--unpleasant characteristics of mine probably learned from childhood. This would explain why I get uncomfortable when the minister takes a liking to him over me, or when, in working on his issues, he exposes mine.
I realized this in an "aha" moment just recently, when recognizing that there is some small piece of me that slightly resistant to him stopping drinking, and the resistance is all about what I think I would lose in that equation. Pretty sick and pitiful.
On to my recovery from this!
Coincidentally, while I was mulling this over, I got my daily Richard Rohr meditation in my email. I love Richard Rohr. Here is what he has to say about objectifying and judging:
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You know what I used to daydream of? Of my AH becoming sober and his personality changing so that he became outgoing and speaking at conferences and telling people what an a$$hat he was back when he was drinking. What his amazing longsuffering wife had to put up with. And I would stand there in the background and look humble and smile patiently like the old pictures of the Virgin Mary.
I think it's very important to do this kind of digging. Even when we come up with stuff that's really not very attractive.
I think it's very important to do this kind of digging. Even when we come up with stuff that's really not very attractive.
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I had a counselor tell me once that we attempt to look for balance in relationships but that sometimes we don't understand the full ramifications of our choices until we are already down the road.
I am extroverted, but very serious and have a hard time having fun (fun can mean more chaos then I can handle). I related to your post as a result for the role many of my As play in my life. What I read and related to was the search for balance. I am working on trying to get some balance in my own life from internal sources now first and it is hard, confusing, and challenging for me as I am realizing a lot of what I thought I "knew" my whole life is not my truth anymore.
I am extroverted, but very serious and have a hard time having fun (fun can mean more chaos then I can handle). I related to your post as a result for the role many of my As play in my life. What I read and related to was the search for balance. I am working on trying to get some balance in my own life from internal sources now first and it is hard, confusing, and challenging for me as I am realizing a lot of what I thought I "knew" my whole life is not my truth anymore.
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Originally Posted by lillamy
You know what I used to daydream of? Of my AH becoming sober and his personality changing so that he became outgoing and speaking at conferences and telling people what an a$$hat he was back when he was drinking. What his amazing longsuffering wife had to put up with. And I would stand there in the background and look humble and smile patiently like the old pictures of the Virgin Mary.
I think it's very important to do this kind of digging. Even when we come up with stuff that's really not very attractive.
I think it's very important to do this kind of digging. Even when we come up with stuff that's really not very attractive.
I'm pretty sure that is a shared daydream of more than just you and I but since all I can do is speak for me, I'll say that I read this and was like "WOW, I've totally thought this and am not sure I even realized it" until I read your words...
I really have wished for that... Hard. Clearly the only one responsible for setting me up for disappointment was me. AH has made clear to me who he is and I've been the one unwilling to accept that. No one's fault but mine right there!
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Originally Posted by lillamy
You know what I used to daydream of? Of my AH becoming sober and his personality changing so that he became outgoing and speaking at conferences and telling people what an a$$hat he was back when he was drinking. What his amazing longsuffering wife had to put up with. And I would stand there in the background and look humble and smile patiently like the old pictures of the Virgin Mary.
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