Light at the end of the tunnel...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: California
Posts: 63
Light at the end of the tunnel...
So, after 3 years with my A fiance I'm finally going to be free and I think I'm mentally ready for it.
It's been rough these last 10 months (he was sober the 9 before that). Every day when I come home from work I don't know if I'm going to find my clear eyed, loving fiance, or the bloodshot, staggering jerk that tells me to "get the f**k out of the house if you don't like who I am". It's been kind of manageable as he would only drink a few nights a week and sometimes went weeks without drinking.
Okay, so after 13 days sober he got himself so drunk he doesn't remember 36hours of our weekend together. Lucky him...not so lucky me! Two days later he tells me he wants to talk. I hear the same crap about how he wants to get sober....bla bla bla....support me....bla bla bla (you've all heard it before I'm sure). So I tell him fine. I wont leave. BUT the next time alcohol is on our property or you are drunk on the property (such as if you return home drunk), I am gone. No more warnings, no trying to get him to stop, just "don't do it around me". He looks me in the eyes, crying, he agrees. I also explain how I won't be driving him around, doing his laundry, his dishes, cleaning up after him, as he is a big boy and I'm not his mom.
So fast forward to today, what 30 hours later? I tell him I'm going to the grocery store. He asks me to stop and pick up a few things for him at the hardware store for him (he'll pay). I tell him no, he can go himself. He tries to guilt me that he has a restricted license (from a DUI) and CAN'T go. I remind him it's 2 miles away...approximately the same distance to the liquor store, which he has no problem driving to with a restricted license. He starts pouting and I go to the store. When I get home I tell him I'm back. He accuses me of being mean and cruel to him. I explained that I'm not his driver and that he can go (or get another family member who lives in the area) to take him.
I then get the guilt trip... "I'm out here working in the yard doing everything I can to stay sober...I'm really going to do it this time...why don't you support me" and the list goes on. I simply explain I won't talk to him like this, turn, and go into the house while he yells for me to come back. About a minute later he's pealing out of the driveway, gone about five minutes, and returns. I go out to find him in the shop with a cold bottle of wine that has magically appeared. I reminded him of the no alcohol rule. He said that he got the alcohol so that I would leave because he "loves me so much he'd rather see me go and be happy then stay with him and be miserable." I said fine.
I got in my car and went to an apartment complex on the other side of town that I had seen online. Got information, found out they have a downstairs unit, 2 bedroom, with a small fenced in yard, and they will accept my dog for a little extra deposit. It's much smaller than the house I'm in now, but it's cute and I can already picture myself making it mine. Best part is it will be available in 2 weeks or less.
So I get home and he must have locked himself out of the house because he "broke in" to get back inside. He's gone now though. I heard his truck come home for a few minutes, then left again. I went outside to see the damage and the wine bottle is filled with water and was left on the front porch. Like I can't tell the difference between chardonnay and water...please!
So he's gone, not responding to texts or phone calls. I'm tempted to call the police and give let them know that he's probably driving around intoxicated on a suspended license for a DUI (do they EVER learn??). But, I'm not as it won't teach him a lesson and I'd only be doing it to get even and hopefully teach him a lesson.
So thats it, its over. Oddly enough I feel okay. Don't get me wrong....I'm sad and upset that I thought I'd be starting a family now and I'm actually going to be starting over. However, I'm looking forward to being in a place that is JUST MINE, where I can come home from work and know that there will be no drunk person waiting for me. I can unwind and destress. What a concept, huh? Who knows...if I can ever stand the smell of alcohol again, I might even buy a bottle to have occasionally (it will probably last years!!).
So, I'm thinking about the apartment and will most likely go sign a 6mo lease there on friday when I'm off. I've already got some empty boxes in the house and plan to start packing this weekend when I'm off. He threatened to take my dog (he paid for half of him) and even take me to court over it! I actually laughed in his face and said, go ahead. Really, going to pay lawyers for his half of the dog (which was $250)...I'll buy him out.
Okay, so thats about it. Lots of emotions going on right now. I just needed to vent and get them all out. It really helps!! Thanks
It's been rough these last 10 months (he was sober the 9 before that). Every day when I come home from work I don't know if I'm going to find my clear eyed, loving fiance, or the bloodshot, staggering jerk that tells me to "get the f**k out of the house if you don't like who I am". It's been kind of manageable as he would only drink a few nights a week and sometimes went weeks without drinking.
Okay, so after 13 days sober he got himself so drunk he doesn't remember 36hours of our weekend together. Lucky him...not so lucky me! Two days later he tells me he wants to talk. I hear the same crap about how he wants to get sober....bla bla bla....support me....bla bla bla (you've all heard it before I'm sure). So I tell him fine. I wont leave. BUT the next time alcohol is on our property or you are drunk on the property (such as if you return home drunk), I am gone. No more warnings, no trying to get him to stop, just "don't do it around me". He looks me in the eyes, crying, he agrees. I also explain how I won't be driving him around, doing his laundry, his dishes, cleaning up after him, as he is a big boy and I'm not his mom.
So fast forward to today, what 30 hours later? I tell him I'm going to the grocery store. He asks me to stop and pick up a few things for him at the hardware store for him (he'll pay). I tell him no, he can go himself. He tries to guilt me that he has a restricted license (from a DUI) and CAN'T go. I remind him it's 2 miles away...approximately the same distance to the liquor store, which he has no problem driving to with a restricted license. He starts pouting and I go to the store. When I get home I tell him I'm back. He accuses me of being mean and cruel to him. I explained that I'm not his driver and that he can go (or get another family member who lives in the area) to take him.
I then get the guilt trip... "I'm out here working in the yard doing everything I can to stay sober...I'm really going to do it this time...why don't you support me" and the list goes on. I simply explain I won't talk to him like this, turn, and go into the house while he yells for me to come back. About a minute later he's pealing out of the driveway, gone about five minutes, and returns. I go out to find him in the shop with a cold bottle of wine that has magically appeared. I reminded him of the no alcohol rule. He said that he got the alcohol so that I would leave because he "loves me so much he'd rather see me go and be happy then stay with him and be miserable." I said fine.
I got in my car and went to an apartment complex on the other side of town that I had seen online. Got information, found out they have a downstairs unit, 2 bedroom, with a small fenced in yard, and they will accept my dog for a little extra deposit. It's much smaller than the house I'm in now, but it's cute and I can already picture myself making it mine. Best part is it will be available in 2 weeks or less.
So I get home and he must have locked himself out of the house because he "broke in" to get back inside. He's gone now though. I heard his truck come home for a few minutes, then left again. I went outside to see the damage and the wine bottle is filled with water and was left on the front porch. Like I can't tell the difference between chardonnay and water...please!
So he's gone, not responding to texts or phone calls. I'm tempted to call the police and give let them know that he's probably driving around intoxicated on a suspended license for a DUI (do they EVER learn??). But, I'm not as it won't teach him a lesson and I'd only be doing it to get even and hopefully teach him a lesson.
So thats it, its over. Oddly enough I feel okay. Don't get me wrong....I'm sad and upset that I thought I'd be starting a family now and I'm actually going to be starting over. However, I'm looking forward to being in a place that is JUST MINE, where I can come home from work and know that there will be no drunk person waiting for me. I can unwind and destress. What a concept, huh? Who knows...if I can ever stand the smell of alcohol again, I might even buy a bottle to have occasionally (it will probably last years!!).
So, I'm thinking about the apartment and will most likely go sign a 6mo lease there on friday when I'm off. I've already got some empty boxes in the house and plan to start packing this weekend when I'm off. He threatened to take my dog (he paid for half of him) and even take me to court over it! I actually laughed in his face and said, go ahead. Really, going to pay lawyers for his half of the dog (which was $250)...I'll buy him out.
Okay, so thats about it. Lots of emotions going on right now. I just needed to vent and get them all out. It really helps!! Thanks
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Excellente! You did GREAT today. All the way around. Five gold stars.
I predict you are going to feel immediate relief just by getting IT out of your FACE every day.
When is the housewarming?
I predict you are going to feel immediate relief just by getting IT out of your FACE every day.
When is the housewarming?
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
This is classic alcoholism:
"I'm out here working in the yard doing everything I can to stay sober...I'm really going to do it this time...why don't you support me" and the list goes on.
Alcoholics that think they should get a trophy for behaving like a responsible adult, sheesh
You responded very calmly! Good on you!
My favorite part of moving to my own place was all new bathroom accessories - yippeee
"I'm out here working in the yard doing everything I can to stay sober...I'm really going to do it this time...why don't you support me" and the list goes on.
Alcoholics that think they should get a trophy for behaving like a responsible adult, sheesh
You responded very calmly! Good on you!
My favorite part of moving to my own place was all new bathroom accessories - yippeee
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: California
Posts: 63
Thanks Lexi...I'm terrified and proud of myself all at the same time. I just e-mail my mom the situation (as she was married to my alcoholic father for almost 30 yrs before she left and never looked back....pure bliss living alone). I know my family will support my decision and I know his family (who live here and who've I've become very close with) will also support me. We all want him to get better but we all know HE as to do it, we cant do it for him!
Thanks Pelican. I didn't feel calm!! But looking back I did okay! And yes, they think they derserve a parade for not drining for 1 day!!! Amazing isn't it!
Thanks Pelican. I didn't feel calm!! But looking back I did okay! And yes, they think they derserve a parade for not drining for 1 day!!! Amazing isn't it!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: California
Posts: 63
Oh, and the best part was there was a picture on the fridge of a brand new truck that was printed off a website. On it he had written..."sobriety reward after 6 months sober". When he told me he thought he deserved a brand new 2011 truck if he could stay sober for 6 months I actually laughed out loud. He already owns a truck, a car, an old car he's rebuilding, and a motorcycle. The truck he wants is the one he "misses" that HE totalled in his DUI accident where he rear ended someone...
Really?! It's so sad...
Really?! It's so sad...
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 49
If I had a dollar for everytime my STBXAH said anything regarding my "supporting him" I would be a Zillionairre!!!! I'm sorry you are going through the hurt right now, but you are right - it is so nice to know what you are coming home to. Peace and quiet.
Last edited by Happiness Fairy; 07-13-2011 at 06:37 AM. Reason: EDIT: I should say his reference of "my lack of supporting him"... LOL
: Way to create and honor boundaries!!! 
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
I moved out 7 months ago and now live blissfully alone in my own house. Everything you said above is spot on. It IS wonderful to come home and know what to expect. To have peace and quiet. Keep a cold 6 pack in the fridge or a bottle of wine for guests. Enjoy!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Right here, right now!
Posts: 3,424
Congrats!
I am in my own house with my dogs for a little over 5 months now. At times it can be really hard, but though I am not always happy it has helped me to realize that my life is much calmer and more peaceful. I have space to feel ALL of the feelings that I experience and that is really important to me right now. I feel like I have a huge weight lifted off my shoulders (that is less about him and more about me still working on how to set boundaries etc). I think you did great!
I am in my own house with my dogs for a little over 5 months now. At times it can be really hard, but though I am not always happy it has helped me to realize that my life is much calmer and more peaceful. I have space to feel ALL of the feelings that I experience and that is really important to me right now. I feel like I have a huge weight lifted off my shoulders (that is less about him and more about me still working on how to set boundaries etc). I think you did great!
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