AXBF wants to stay friends, I don't think it's healthy
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Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 433
AXBF wants to stay friends, I don't think it's healthy
The ex and I talked tonight and we finalized that we cannot be together in a relationship. Then he said he would call me tomorrow so we could talk more. I asked him why we should continue talking and he said he wants to be friends and that he still cares about me. It baffles me that he does not see that continuing to talk to someone who did such hurtful things while we were together and then ended our romantic relationship would not be a healthy friendship for me.
I feel like he doesn't want to let go of all the emotional support I gave him. And I feel guilty, but I do not want to give that to him anymore, because he has no emotional support to offer to me while he copes with his early recovery. He seemed miffed that I didn't want to be friends and tried to argue that we could be, but it seems like a friendship with him would only be to his benefit. Like a continuation of his selfish behavior, having me to talk to while I'm still reeling with the aftershocks of being with an alcoholic.
It feels like he wants to walk out of this still feeling like a good guy, telling himself he's there for me as a friend now. When in reality, he was never really there for me in any way. I think the best gift I could him at this point is for him to hopefully realize someday that I don't want to be friends with him because he doesn't know the true meaning of friendship.
I feel like he doesn't want to let go of all the emotional support I gave him. And I feel guilty, but I do not want to give that to him anymore, because he has no emotional support to offer to me while he copes with his early recovery. He seemed miffed that I didn't want to be friends and tried to argue that we could be, but it seems like a friendship with him would only be to his benefit. Like a continuation of his selfish behavior, having me to talk to while I'm still reeling with the aftershocks of being with an alcoholic.
It feels like he wants to walk out of this still feeling like a good guy, telling himself he's there for me as a friend now. When in reality, he was never really there for me in any way. I think the best gift I could him at this point is for him to hopefully realize someday that I don't want to be friends with him because he doesn't know the true meaning of friendship.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Ashland Oregon
Posts: 256
I wish my ABF was willing to talk to me about the end of the relationship. I wish I was willing to talk to him about it.
You sound so calm and centered. What kind of friendship do you want - eventually? Like 3 or 4 years from now? This is something that you may consider working towards. But you don't need to know right now, or make any more decisions right now. Now you can go to sleep and see what tomorrow brings.
Tomorrow, I want to write your post.
- Sylvie
You sound so calm and centered. What kind of friendship do you want - eventually? Like 3 or 4 years from now? This is something that you may consider working towards. But you don't need to know right now, or make any more decisions right now. Now you can go to sleep and see what tomorrow brings.
Tomorrow, I want to write your post.
- Sylvie
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Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Australia
Posts: 436
I have. just left. my AH of 23yrs. he told me that he was going to drink for the rest of his life and if i didnt like it i could leave. following the devistation of that conversation, i found this website, al-anon and therapy. 18 months later whilst trying to detatch i had a health scare which prompted me to tell ah i was leaving. it took about 6 weeks for me to find my own place and i slept in the spare room. right up untill the day i left, ah was asking for kisses and cuddles. he too announced that we would be friends forever. i burst hi bubble gairly quickly by saying i didnt want to be friends with him. he was pretty shocked by this. but i said that friends dont do what he has done to me and i dont want anything to do with him. i have been four weeks no contact and i feel that it has been healthier for me. i still love him and miss him but dont miss the lies and unreasonable behaviours. i could easily be friends with him but feel like he chose alcohol before me and our marriage and also feel like he would be having his cake and eating it. he doesnt get to have both- me or alcohol and he chose alcohol so he can live with that choice now
btw typical alcoholic behaviour, he has since said that i cant borrow our old joint computer(i needed a document) and my one and only contact because we arent friends. (Childish behaviour)
btw typical alcoholic behaviour, he has since said that i cant borrow our old joint computer(i needed a document) and my one and only contact because we arent friends. (Childish behaviour)
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 141
Me and my ex are friends "off and on". Right now, we are "off".
I prefer to stay friends with him. I know it's not easy being friends with an ex and especially one with addiction problems, but I have known him for 14 years and I feel that's much too long to know someone to just throw all that time away. He means a lot to me and always will.
It's up to you whether to stay friends. I think after any break up a "cool down" period is good for both people. Maybe a month or so of no contact to let yourself get over the break up.
Me and my recent ex tried this out. We broke up, no contact for a month, and now we text occasionally. So far it's going ok. I like being able to be on good terms with him, I have some comfort from still having him in my life, and I don't miss him as much as when I had no contact with him. But of course, he's not an alcoholic so it's a lot simpler.
Panther
I prefer to stay friends with him. I know it's not easy being friends with an ex and especially one with addiction problems, but I have known him for 14 years and I feel that's much too long to know someone to just throw all that time away. He means a lot to me and always will.
It's up to you whether to stay friends. I think after any break up a "cool down" period is good for both people. Maybe a month or so of no contact to let yourself get over the break up.
Me and my recent ex tried this out. We broke up, no contact for a month, and now we text occasionally. So far it's going ok. I like being able to be on good terms with him, I have some comfort from still having him in my life, and I don't miss him as much as when I had no contact with him. But of course, he's not an alcoholic so it's a lot simpler.
Panther
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Can he define friendship?
What is your definition of friendship?
If you have different definitions of friendship, you will have different expectations and there will be resentments.
When your feelings were hurt by all of his blame-shifting and harsh words, how would a friend act?
Instead of trying to figure out his motivation or thoughts, look within yourself for the answers. Are you feeling turmoil over maintaining friendship with him? Does the idea of a break from the turmoil appeal to you?
Do the next right thing for YOU
What is your definition of friendship?
If you have different definitions of friendship, you will have different expectations and there will be resentments.
When your feelings were hurt by all of his blame-shifting and harsh words, how would a friend act?
Instead of trying to figure out his motivation or thoughts, look within yourself for the answers. Are you feeling turmoil over maintaining friendship with him? Does the idea of a break from the turmoil appeal to you?
Do the next right thing for YOU
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
It sounds to me like your feelings are too raw at the moment to have a healthy friendship with him. Maybe that will change in the future--you don't have to decide the rest of your life this minute.
I've stayed on friendly terms with most of my exes, but the only one I am close to is my kids' dad (since remarried)--we are so friendly I stay with him and his wife when I go to see my kids, and we often chat just to shoot the breeze. OTOH, my second husband (whom I wish only the best) I cannot bear to talk to as he is still drinking and it is too upsetting for me to deal with him. The last guy I was involved with wasn't a drinker, but was emotionally manipulative and abusive in many ways, and it wasn't good for me to maintain contact with him--I haven't spoken to him in over five years.
Each situation is different. Maybe you need to let the dust settle for a bit before you consider whether you want to maintain any kind of friendly contact. Take a breather.
Just my thoughts.
I've stayed on friendly terms with most of my exes, but the only one I am close to is my kids' dad (since remarried)--we are so friendly I stay with him and his wife when I go to see my kids, and we often chat just to shoot the breeze. OTOH, my second husband (whom I wish only the best) I cannot bear to talk to as he is still drinking and it is too upsetting for me to deal with him. The last guy I was involved with wasn't a drinker, but was emotionally manipulative and abusive in many ways, and it wasn't good for me to maintain contact with him--I haven't spoken to him in over five years.
Each situation is different. Maybe you need to let the dust settle for a bit before you consider whether you want to maintain any kind of friendly contact. Take a breather.
Just my thoughts.
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
Alcoholics manipulate, they want things their way, and they want them without effort.
He wants to play both ends against the middle.
It is your decision, however, I see nothing positive to be garnered from attempting to be his friend. If it were me, I'd go no contact and be done with it.
Friendship is a two way street, give and take....not just as he does....take.
Most important is to do what is best for you!
He wants to play both ends against the middle.
It is your decision, however, I see nothing positive to be garnered from attempting to be his friend. If it were me, I'd go no contact and be done with it.
Friendship is a two way street, give and take....not just as he does....take.
Most important is to do what is best for you!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Originally Posted by dollydo 
Alcoholics manipulate, they want things their way, and they want them without effort.
He wants to play both ends against the middle.
It is your decision, however, I see nothing positive to be garnered from attempting to be his friend. If it were me, I'd go no contact and be done with it.
Friendship is a two way street, give and take....not just as he does....take.
Most important is to do what is best for you!
He wants to play both ends against the middle.
It is your decision, however, I see nothing positive to be garnered from attempting to be his friend. If it were me, I'd go no contact and be done with it.
Friendship is a two way street, give and take....not just as he does....take.
Most important is to do what is best for you!
Once I left my EXAH, and kept hanging up on him when he called, he finally got the message.
Your ex has plenty of support through recovery folks.
Just my two cents.
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Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 433
I don't want to be friends with him because it would basically consist of me listening to his problems while he has nothing to offer me in return. In addition, since he is facing eviction, jail time, financial ruin and a host of other problems, it is just too depressing to hear about his life.
He acted like there is something wrong with me because I said I don't think we can be friends. He said sort of in a miffed way, "Well, LOTS of people can be friends with their exes, but I guess you're just not one of them."
In the past year, four friends and his brother have dismissed him. I guess I make number six!
As much as I appreciate the support of my true friends, right now I mostly feel like spending time alone, exercising, taking a meditation course, doing some good reading, hanging out with my kids, just recovering quietly and peacefully. Given my wish for a very quiet life for right now, I definitely don't need to open myself up to further drama by staying friends with the ex.
He acted like there is something wrong with me because I said I don't think we can be friends. He said sort of in a miffed way, "Well, LOTS of people can be friends with their exes, but I guess you're just not one of them."
In the past year, four friends and his brother have dismissed him. I guess I make number six!
As much as I appreciate the support of my true friends, right now I mostly feel like spending time alone, exercising, taking a meditation course, doing some good reading, hanging out with my kids, just recovering quietly and peacefully. Given my wish for a very quiet life for right now, I definitely don't need to open myself up to further drama by staying friends with the ex.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Originally Posted by changeschoices
As much as I appreciate the support of my true friends, right now I mostly feel like spending time alone, exercising, taking a meditation course, doing some good reading, hanging out with my kids, just recovering quietly and peacefully. Given my wish for a very quiet life for right now, I definitely don't need to open myself up to further drama by staying friends with the ex.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: carolina girl
Posts: 578
I have been thinking lately (for some reason) if I will ever be in communication months or years down the road with my ex. I do still care about him, and would like to think that some day we will at least speak to each other again. I am friends with nearly all of my exs though, so maybe that's why i feel that way.
I think in the back of my head I am envisioning that we meet again some day on the street, he looks great, has stopped drinking, lost some weight and finally started taking care of himself. That's really what I want for him, what I always wanted. He never really mistreated me, but he really abused himself. I wish I could have gotten him to see that. I hope one day he does.
Not sure why I have started missing him lately, just a phase I hope.
You know it isn't a good idea, and he's trying to talk you out of it by making manipulating comments and laying a guilt trip. This is the whole reason you are getting out of the relationship in the first place. Duh, buddy, why would I want to stay friends with someone like that? Follow your gut, changes.
I think in the back of my head I am envisioning that we meet again some day on the street, he looks great, has stopped drinking, lost some weight and finally started taking care of himself. That's really what I want for him, what I always wanted. He never really mistreated me, but he really abused himself. I wish I could have gotten him to see that. I hope one day he does.
Not sure why I have started missing him lately, just a phase I hope.
You know it isn't a good idea, and he's trying to talk you out of it by making manipulating comments and laying a guilt trip. This is the whole reason you are getting out of the relationship in the first place. Duh, buddy, why would I want to stay friends with someone like that? Follow your gut, changes.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 2,052
This is the bottom line..
I once had an ex-girlfriend tell me we would not longer be communicating. It hurt. It was also honest and kind in the long run.
I'm grateful to her.
Cyranoak
I'm grateful to her.
Cyranoak
Originally Posted by changeschoices
I don't want to be friends with him because it would basically consist of me listening to his problems while he has nothing to offer me in return. In addition, since he is facing eviction, jail time, financial ruin and a host of other problems, it is just too depressing to hear about his life.
He acted like there is something wrong with me because I said I don't think we can be friends. He said sort of in a miffed way, "Well, LOTS of people can be friends with their exes, but I guess you're just not one of them."
In the past year, four friends and his brother have dismissed him. I guess I make number six!
As much as I appreciate the support of my true friends, right now I mostly feel like spending time alone, exercising, taking a meditation course, doing some good reading, hanging out with my kids, just recovering quietly and peacefully. Given my wish for a very quiet life for right now, I definitely don't need to open myself up to further drama by staying friends with the ex.
He acted like there is something wrong with me because I said I don't think we can be friends. He said sort of in a miffed way, "Well, LOTS of people can be friends with their exes, but I guess you're just not one of them."
In the past year, four friends and his brother have dismissed him. I guess I make number six!
As much as I appreciate the support of my true friends, right now I mostly feel like spending time alone, exercising, taking a meditation course, doing some good reading, hanging out with my kids, just recovering quietly and peacefully. Given my wish for a very quiet life for right now, I definitely don't need to open myself up to further drama by staying friends with the ex.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 302
My ex (husband) wanted the same. After hearing for the nth time that "I need space, please just leave me alone." He got it. I just parrotted it back. And it's ok for it to be about you - I told him that I'd been hurt and needed time. And space. Lots of time and space. I swear I must have been a broken record. But eventually he got it.
Hang in there,
D
Hang in there,
D
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Right here, right now!
Posts: 3,424
I have friends who I have been able to maintain a relationship with over the years. Addiction was not involved and at times it was really hard to strike a balance. I am coming up on a year for the decision to divorce my ex and told him a few months after that that I did not want to be friends in the short term and suspected that for the long term also. It had less to do with him then I thought at the time. I think it was the only way that I could stop my crazy enabling. It is a simple concept for me, but it has not been easy. He is not being a good friend to himself right now. If he is not able to care for himself it is hard to be in a relationship and support someone else. This allows us both the time and space to heal.
This has also allowed me to open up to and remember the support that I have in my life. Friends, family, Al-anon, my work support etc. When I am not completely drained trying to fill another's holes (I hope that does not sound like I am blaming another...it is all me) I have a lot more room for better relationships.
This has also allowed me to open up to and remember the support that I have in my life. Friends, family, Al-anon, my work support etc. When I am not completely drained trying to fill another's holes (I hope that does not sound like I am blaming another...it is all me) I have a lot more room for better relationships.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 433
LifeRecovery, I think it's the same for me. I could keep talking to him, but I know I would get nothing out of it for myself, would be doing all the giving--totally codependent, which is what it was like in the relationship.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Johnsburg, IL
Posts: 27
I am going through the same thing right now. I have a service business, and this is how I met my ex, who is an alcoholic and abuses drugs as well. He can't understand why I won't provide business service as before and can't we be friends even though we are done. Huh?? I said, "I am like an all inclusive meal. I'm not available a la carte. We were friends, confidantes, lovers, and I groomed your dogs. You can't pick and choose here - we're done all the way." He became very angry and won't speak to me now. In my case, I can just see the manipulation, the charm, the twisting of the truth, and the reeling in if I gave in just a little..
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