lady13

so, it's family week...today was the first day which actually wasn't so bad-the homework however has killed me...it was the homework that has made me realize just how much addiction has screwed ME up...one of my assignments was to pick 4-5 "discomfort" feeling words from a list (of like 1000) that described how his addiction made me feel and to list specific situations of the picked feeling...shouldn't be a problem right? 13 years in i have plenty to go on...but i have been working on this for 6 hours now...i have 1 instance and can't pick the word to describe my feelings at the time...this 1 instance was 7 years ago...only reason i remember it is because it was the worst thing he ever did...well truthfully not the worst but definitely the most hurtful...my grandpa died (i was raised by my grandparents since i was 2) august 2nd...we buried him august 6th...my birthday was august 8th and i was 7 months pregnant with our 2nd child... immediately following the burial he left for 3 days on a binge...i don't know if i have detached so much that i just cannot feel it anymore...i don't know if there has just been SO much that i quit processing it...i don't know if i ever really did process it...in trying to reconnect with my feeling (which is why this particular assignment was mine), i still cannot come up with anything...what i have learned is that i hold FIERCELY to the good times as few and far between has they might have been...i remember exactly how i felt the last time he came home after his 1st motorcycle ride (he was sober then)..he was happy...he came in and threw his arms around me...it felt amazing...it was the first time in years i had felt like that...i remember exactly how i felt when he proposed (for us to renew our vows)...i remember feeling the hope and the butterflies in my stomach (even though he was using-i didn't know it though)...so, how do i go back to family counseling (yes i'm going) tomorrow and look at our family counselor and tell him i genuinely CAN'T remember...i am afraid it's me choosing not to...i worked awful hard to be this desensitized and i know how awful that sounds, but that was the only way i could survive...and right now i genuinely don't know if it's a choice or not...i know how his addiction made me feel...but i don't have specifics...what now?????

laurie6781

Why not say exactly what you just said here?

That really says it all as to how your life has been living with an A.

J M H O

Love and hugs,

BeingStill

Numb. Disconnected. Confused. Cold. Distant. Lost. Removed. Blank.

I understand. The addicted world is so different from the healthy memories that the gears in your brain just sort of grind to a halt.

Ann

I agree, share what you shared here. It's more than one word but it describes perfectly how traumatized we can be.

When I went through my darkest time, a wise lady here told me that the only way to deal with the pain was to look it square in the eye and walk through it. That helped me more than anything else to dig myself out of that very dark hole.

Good luck.

Hugs

Kindeyes

Your post really does describe what living with an addict can do. I also had a similar exercise to do when our son was in in patient the first time. I also had problems connecting with the emotions.

It has taken five years for me to finally get to the point that I can really identify my feelings while I am feeling them. They were there but I just couldn't connect to them and understand that those emotions were what was going on. It is the insanity that is talked about in the 12 steps. We lose ourselves.

Give yourself some time and keep doing the homework. It'll come and when it does it can be a little overwhelming but like Ann said, if we look those emotions square in the eye and walk through them, we come out better on the other side.

gentle hugs
ke

lady13

thanx for all the kind words...unfortunately our first conjoint session today was just as bad as i was afraid it was going to be...it was one of the hardest things i think either one of us have done...looking back is hell, but absolutely necessary to move forward...but even though it was bad it was amazing...he gets it...he knows how his addiction made me feel and vocalized it better than i ever could...today was the first time he has seen me cry in years (a lot of years)...i told him a long time ago he'd never see me cry again...i couldn't show him weakness because that would only expose another part of me he could manipulate...but today, after he described what our marriage was like, i broke...he finally got it...after that the session seemed to take a turn for the better...we aren't out of the woods yet by no means, but we are beginning to see the forest...i feel like we are BOTH fully committed to our relationship right now and i don't think i have ever felt like that...amazing...