Struggling with GUILT trips..

Old 07-11-2011, 10:24 AM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 696
Unhappy Struggling with GUILT trips..

Well this weekend I went to a outdoor function. Pictures were taken of me and someone put them on that stupid facebook.

XAH see's them and of course today, I get the phone calls of:
GUILT, The wedding vows, Do you miss me, Im not being honest

then in conversations over the weekend with friends, they ask
me: Well, he is sick, how could you just divorce him? Didnt you
go to AA with him? Wow, I would help my husband, Im sure
he would of done better if you would have supported him more

FREAKING: GUILT sets in and here I sit bawling

I feel I did the best I could. It was his decision to move away and
continue to drink his life away.

Yes, I miss the man I married, that makes me sad
No, I dont tell him that I miss him when he ask

I know I cant fix him, cure him or control him

But why is the guilt taking me for a hostage ride today?
BobbyJ is offline  
Old 07-11-2011, 10:41 AM
  # 2 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 837
because you're listening to people who have not a clue about alcoholism. Maybe it's time to find some new friends?
fedup3 is offline  
Old 07-11-2011, 10:45 AM
  # 3 (permalink)  
TeM
Member
 
TeM's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: Tennessee
Posts: 255
I think people who've never lived with alcoholics may not quite get it. Even in my own household, my daughter seems to assume that I should stay with AW no matter what. If it finally comes down to my leaving, my daughter will probably disown me, even though she has been even angrier than I have over AW's drinking.

Daughter still thinks AW is not an alcoholic, so she's almost as much in denial as AW. She thinks if we show a little patience and give her some "space", AW will be able to control it. I gave up on that long ago.

So, if I leave, I will have tons of guilt heaped on me from several directions. I suppose it's something we have to accept if we take control of our own lives and walk away.

Hang in there, and take good care of yourself.
TeM is offline  
Old 07-11-2011, 10:45 AM
  # 4 (permalink)  
Member
 
Serenity8's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Northeast USA
Posts: 213
Facebook is really the devil with situations like this. I am friends with my ex-husband, but only so he can see pics of our kids. I've set up security so he can't see any pictures I'm tagged in, and the ONLY pics he can see are the ones where I specifically tag his name. He also can't see my wall, so he can't see what anyone else posts, only when I *occasionally* post a status or a link for ALL my friends to see can he see it. It makes my kids feel good to know that he can see their pictures on there, that's why I'm still friends with him, and I have him hidden from my news feed so I don't have to see any of his stuff, either. My kids are 6 and 9, too young for their own facebook accounts to keep in touch with their dad on their own this way but when they can, I will unfriend him.

Anyway, I highly recommend either unfriending or changing your security settings!
Serenity8 is offline  
Old 07-11-2011, 10:50 AM
  # 5 (permalink)  
Member
 
Tuffgirl's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
BobbyJ! I've missed you and your cheetah pants!

You are hostage because you are letting it take you hostage. You know you did the right thing even though it was not what you wanted. Rarely is doing the right thing what we want to do. And...going to AA with him? WTH? Does that make a lick of sense to you?

Remember, "what other people think of me is none of my business" - even on that damn facebook, which seems to be nothing but trouble given the posts here lately.

Stay strong, my friend! You didn't break him, you can't fix him. All you can do is put on your rain coat when the poo starts flying.
Tuffgirl is offline  
Old 07-11-2011, 11:09 AM
  # 6 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 696
I dont even use facebook. Some girl that I hardly know took the pictures. He is friends with him. She posted them on here page. I have contacted her and asked them to be removed...

Yes, most people dont understand the hell we have walked thru with an alcoholic
I understand that. It just cuts like a knife, when they do say those things

"what other people think of me is none of my business" - yeppers!!! Repeating
over and over....

Guess, its time to get a cheetah rain coat...Just sucks today!!
BobbyJ is offline  
Old 07-11-2011, 11:29 AM
  # 7 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 433
I totally agree that someone who has not lived with an alcoholic has no clue that there is NOTHING anyone can do to make them stop drinking. Heck, for the longest time, I thought that if I just loved and supported my ex enough, he would stop drinking. I loved him, I supported him....he still kept drinking.

I went to a few AA meetings with my ex when we were together. I thought the meetings and the life wisdom I heard shared there were fantastic. Even though I'm not an alcoholic, I thought, wow, these are great lessons to be learned here just about life in general. But ultimately, I couldn't absorb the lessons FOR him, he had to do it himself, and he chose not to.
changeschoices is offline  
Old 07-11-2011, 11:39 AM
  # 8 (permalink)  
Member
 
Freedom1990's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
I've learned to put a screeching halt to conversations with friends and family members when it comes to a non-understanding of alcoholism.
Freedom1990 is offline  
Old 07-11-2011, 12:09 PM
  # 9 (permalink)  
Member
 
Just4me's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: California
Posts: 63
With mine...my friend who has never dealt with addiction in any way told me I should take him away from everything, help him detox, and be there to support him. Her heart was in the right place but this is impossible to do, as we all know.

My friend who left her alcoholic husband 10 years ago offered me place to stay when things were bad and a "call me ANYTIME" you need to talk.

The "normies" just dont understand the disease, the process, or what we are going through!
Just4me is offline  
Old 07-11-2011, 12:37 PM
  # 10 (permalink)  
I'm no angel!
 
dollydo's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
Guilt has taken you hostage today because we allow ourselves to be controlled by negative or toxic emotions. Guilt is directly related to people pleasing, we codies want everyone to like us, to accept us.

Personally, I do not care what others think of me. I know that I am doing the very best that I can, if that is not good enough for others....tough dingleberries.

If they are so concerned about your ex, they can adopt him and he can go live with them. Bet their tune would change very quickly!

Sending hugs your way!
dollydo is offline  
Old 07-11-2011, 01:08 PM
  # 11 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 837
Just this weekend I was with my family and we started talking about alcoholism because of my AH and some of them think that it's weak character not to just stop. I couldn't stand it anymore and said "Sure why would anyone want to stop drinking if you can when you can waste away to nothing, vomit, injure yourself all the time and die hating yourself!" I was so mad at them and the ones that didn't believe you could white knuckle it I think are hooked on AL themselves.
fedup3 is offline  
Old 07-11-2011, 01:14 PM
  # 12 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 696
Once again Freedom1990, your right!!
I tend to forget at times, not everyone understands, let alone forgetting myself
BobbyJ is offline  
Old 07-11-2011, 02:46 PM
  # 13 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Illinois
Posts: 36
I was always blamed for my EXAH problems; drinking,legal, and otherwise. His family was not there and never dealt with the chaos. Funny thing happened though; upon release from prison, he went to live with one of his sister's. The same night, his relapse started, and quickly went to the point that no one knew what to do with him. Needless to say, he is now in another Salvation Army program. And she now has a better understanding of what I have dealt with for the last three years.
fineday69 is offline  
Old 07-11-2011, 03:23 PM
  # 14 (permalink)  
Member
 
lillamy's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
Bobby,

I have days like that, when I listen to people who play into my "old" self, the person I was when I was married to him and convinced I couldn't leave for any one of a slew of reasons...

That's when I come here and reread my old posts. Or read my journal from any of the long nights when I cried and prayed that he would stop drinking. Or go to a meeting and listen to the people still in A marriages. That usually helps.

Big hug to you.
lillamy is offline  
Old 07-11-2011, 03:36 PM
  # 15 (permalink)  
A work in progress
 
LexieCat's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
You're gonna be fine, Bobby. This is just a bump in the road. You got great feedback here, and I know you know it's all true.

Ignore the maroons.
LexieCat is offline  
Old 07-11-2011, 04:11 PM
  # 16 (permalink)  
Member
 
LifesALongSong's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: No Surf In Cleveland USA
Posts: 60
BobbyJ,

Like the saying goes, "advice is like kittens, everbody gives them away". Don't listen to others who don't understand.

Thats why we got SR !
LifesALongSong is offline  
Old 07-11-2011, 05:51 PM
  # 17 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 2,052
It's none of their business and **** each and every one of them-- especially your ****-face husband. Time for some boundary setting here.

Don't let them have power over you.

Cyranoak
Cyranoak is offline  
Old 07-11-2011, 08:05 PM
  # 18 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Managua, Nicaragua
Posts: 135
I'm happy to say that I am with Cyranoak on this one, **** them and **** him. You are doing great and getting better all the time.
So what if he sees photos of you, ex is ex for a reason. You did nothing wrong by enjoying yourself!!!!
MayaandMe is offline  
Old 07-12-2011, 12:44 PM
  # 19 (permalink)  
Member
 
ANEWAUGUST's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: The Sunny South
Posts: 1,666
Don't ask anyone to take down pictures of you doing whatever you would like to do!

Guilt..such a useless emotion.

Ignore the normies, and their advice...they have never traveled to the planet "alcoholism" and don't speak the language.
ANEWAUGUST is offline  
Old 07-12-2011, 03:47 PM
  # 20 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 696
All of you so right..
I just fell on my behind yesterday with his guilt trip phone calls & the comments
from friends...
I am better today, just needed picked up & a swift kick across my rear from all of you
"THANKS"

Cyranoak...I had a visual all night about your comment, made me giggle..THANKS!
BobbyJ is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 07:00 AM.