Just when I thought I could see a "silver lining"

Old 07-11-2011, 12:35 AM
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Just when I thought I could see a "silver lining"

Its been a while since I last posted. Ive been trying to work on myself, and my own issues I have due to my addict husband. My husband has been gone for 35 days in rehab (so AWESOME) but everytime I try and talk about things that I would like to discuss, especially my feelings, he completely shuts me out, and turns the conversation either into an argument or looks for a way to get off of the phone. Ive addressed this with him, first I was very complacent and passive ...." hey, it seems like you are avoiding certain things i'd like to talk about.." then i tried making a "plan" to talk about it..."hey give me a call about 1030, there is something I need to talk to you about.." that didn't work either...more excuses. So two days ago, when I was at my witts end and hadn't talked to an adult in 3 days, I was finally to that point and I was mad...needless to say it ended in a two day argument about me, him, our relationship, his commitment, oh the list goes on and on.

Anyway,

during this time he says to me, "you aren't doing what you are supposed to be doing in therapy" Ah WHAT! im doing the BEST I CAN! I am sharing 6 sessions with my daughter, who our counselor is referring to a therapist because of PTSD (of watching her daddy shoot up in front of her. )I am doing EAP right now because 1) its free! and 2) Im broke! so at least I am TRYING! Im doing the best that my means are allowing me, and he criticized me! I am hurt. I am hurt, because I AM trying! Its hard because I don't have 8 hours a day to devote to therapy and making myself well, but with the 1 hour a week that I do get...I am TRYING! I am trying to love myself, reading all suggested literature and going to Alanon. I feel as if he doesn't understand the demands of three small children, and to criticise my attempts, ouch.

After everything escalated, I was done. I needed my "15 minute timeout" to avoid taking the argument further.

During that time Im sure that I had a total codie relapse. I signed on to my computer and logged into HIS facebook. Immediately I knew I shouldn't have. I feel terrible for doing it, and I shouldn't justify my behavior. I know I am going to have to explain myself tomorrow morning. But before I do any explaining I had seen where he was talking to one of his friends (who is also in recovery) He told him that the first couple days after he was out of detox and went to an outside meeting he scored some "30's" (roxicodone 30's) and "shot them up like an olympian" My hurt sank, my stomach burned, I still can't believe it. He's in "rehab" getting hours and hours of therapy that I WISH I could have and totally abusing it. typical addict right!

Im hurt, Im deeply hurt. I don't even know if I should believe it. I know that they UA, but I do know they didn't UA him until he was there for like 17days. (He's been there for 35 now)

Should I bring this up to him? I don't even want to talk to him really. At least not right at this moment. My heart is broken. I really HONESTLY thought he could do this, I was rooting for him. I was rooting for me! and now I feel back at square one. I fished through his messages, and now Im regretting it. In a way I feel no better than he is. My heart is hurting so bad , I keep asking "Why" Why should I care about this man? Why am I putting up with this? He's not here, he's not offering any financial support for me and our babies (which hes told our friends that he had savings from selling drugs that Im living off of ---HUH? Thats not true, because I haven't seen a dime!) Financially right now, I cannot file for divorce. But I do know that its been 30days since he's lived in my home (which is not in his name) and I can technically "evict" him. My blood is boiling, and my heart is broke. Where do I go from here? All I know is I am running to al-anon tomorrow afternoon, because right now I feel its all I have left.

Thanks to all for listening <3
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Old 07-11-2011, 05:02 AM
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Whew......breathe. Your pain and anxiety was palpable in your post.

It's very hard to trust people who have violated our trust so many times. We've given them so many chances and yet we still have hope. Our hearts and spirit are broken.

Don't worry about the things he says to you. You are doing the best you can and that's ok. Keep doing what you're doing......not for him.....but for you because you deserve peace and you need all the strength to take care of yourself and your children.

Rehab doesn't make them better. It gives them the tools to make themselves better. It gets them headed in the right direction. Dealing with all of the stuff that's been building up for years in your marriage will not be repaired in 30-60 days. And everything that's been wrong for all those years doesn't need to be addressed right away.

Take it one day at a time. Take care of you and keep doing what you're doing. With time the things you are doing will help you.

gentle hugs
ke
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Old 07-11-2011, 05:18 AM
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Right now he is on an emotional rollercoaster. Drugs surpress emotions, during active addiction the addict is numb, if clean, he is now having to face these emotions. So, I wouldn't expect too much support from him. What about talking to your friends or family members about your feelings and concerns?

As for whether he has used or not, I do not know and nothing will be accomplished by confronting him, he will lie.

Keep in mind that this is his recovery, he is totally responsible for it, you are not. Your responsibility is to get yourself healthy.

Also, have you considered limiting your conversations with him? Like keeping it to one conversation a week. It may help you to start detaching and allow you to do more work on you, obsessing about what he is doing is not going to help you or your relationship one little bit.

Try and focus on you, keep posting, it will help.
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Old 07-11-2011, 08:13 AM
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I kind of feel like I have a false sense of reality regarding my recovery. Maybe Im not doing what I am supposed to. Im just telling myself that I am to protect myself. This morning I woke up and did a little reading to try to calm my mind. Then it just kinda of hit. Ive got to let him go. Even if he gets sober, even if he stops lying, regardless of anything he may do in the future, the only way I really see the pain going way, is to let him go, because he is the ultimate reminder of the pain and hurt. I dont WANT to let him go. Ive spent my entire adult life with him as my bf/fiance/husband. I dont KNOW anything else. But I just think its best for me.

I do want to add that the things I wanted to discuss with him weren't really regarding our relationship. I knew that we would need counseling if we were going to continue our marriage. I just didn't feel like we were on the same page as far as him coming home. He is due to be released Wednesday, and I don't think he realizes that it is NOT an option to come back into my home, and that a SLE is probably the best place I THINK is good for him. Wherever he decides to go is his choice, as long as its not my house!

I know he'll lie to me if I ask, which Im still contemplating whether or not to ask.

I try to talk to my family, but my mother isn't the comforting type (who is ironically enough a recovering meth/crack addict) I don't talk to my father (who is an alcoholic/addict) and I think my friends are tired of hearing me cry. There solution is to just "move on." I can't blame them though. Its been a long long road, hes stolen from them and lied to them that they do not see the good in him.

blah.

Thanks for the advice guys!

By the way, I am seriously contemplating whether or not we should even CONTINUE to talk anymore. Ive got a lot of decisions to make, and I don't want to regret them.
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Old 07-11-2011, 08:37 AM
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Somber,

It sounds as though your instincts are right, that you should separate your self and your children from your husband. Reading your posts gives me the impression that you're dealing with this with too broad a horizon - by that your references to the beginning of your relationship with him and "anything he may do in the future."

For the reasons you stated, it seems best that he not return to your home on wednesday. Best for your children, best for you, and if he's serious about his recovery - living in a SLE would be best for him. But whether and how he navigates his recovery is really secondary. You need to take care of your children first and foremost. The way that you got the information you mentioned was absolutely underhanded, but the information is consistent with his actions and refusal to discuss issues that are critical to your life together.

So as a person in recovery, I would suggest not allowing him back into your home. There may be a day when you will want to reconsider this, but that is way beyond the time frame you can reasonably consider and act upon (now and the immediate future).

Good luck, and stay in touch. You can do this.
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Old 07-11-2011, 11:06 AM
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Somber,

I agree....you can do this. It's hard and confusing but you've got a good head on your shoulders.

First, looking on his FB was a codie relapse but it happened. And you also received information that allows you more clarity about him. I happed into my husband open email account last week. I know that I should not have looked but I ended up with important information that allowed me to clearly see that he was lying to me. Shouldn't have done it - but I am glad that I know. Progress not perfection.

Addicts lie - and even addicts in recovery can lie. Going to rehab is just the very first piece of the puzzle. Kindeyes is right - rehab only teaches them the tools.

I've always heard that the first year of recovery needs to be focused on the individual....during my husband's first year all I did was focus on me. Everytime that I wanted him to do something recovery related I made myself go and do it. It helped a whole lot.

My husband never stuck with recovery but he has remained sober. That has not been the answer though because he never did learn to live life on life's terms.....we are now apart because I just couldn't tolerate it any longer.

Your kids need you and they need you to be "okay". If you are diistracted and worried they will know it. If he doesn't come home then at least you can provide a safe haven for them. When you live with someone in active addiction you are teaching your children to either tolerate someone using or how to use. I agree with you that a sober living place would be a whole lot better than having him at home. At least then you can watch from a distance to see if he is going to do what he needs to do.

You did the right thing by posting. It takes a whole lot of support to get through this sort of stuff and there are lots of wonderful people here that want to - and will - be there for you.

Hang in there!
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Old 07-11-2011, 01:21 PM
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I agree with you SLE would be the best option.

Although the two of you have been enmeshed in each others life for years, you cannot draw your identity from him, nor can he from you.

Yes, you do have alot of decisions to make, sit back, take your time, watch his actions, forget his words.

There are no guarantees in life, all we can do is take all the information we have gathered and make our decisions based on that information.
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