psilyguy

I just chugged my last beer, I hope to GOD it is my last one, but I've said this a hundred times before. Now I'm staring at my life being completely turned UPSIDE DOWN and losing everything I've got.

On my 12th year of marriage and how my wife is still with me I have no idea. The first few years were fine, I was a casual drinker. Yes I was able to let loose but maybe only a few times a month. Then we moved back down to the city, 'my old stomping grounds' as she calls it, and I began hanging out at bars all the time with my friends. After our first child was born she started hanging at the bars with me.. I eventually became a DJ at local clubs and would get SHTfaced drunk everytime, and she was there to drive me home, she had fun but after a while it got a bit old. Because of my DJ experience I was able to start a website and it took off, but it also enabled me to drink anytime I wanted since we both stayed at home 24/7. 4 years ago I found myself in a vicious cycle of drinking 12-18 beers a day and occasional whiskey , it started spiraling into morning drinking, you get the picture. 2 years ago after a 3 day binge in Vegas I was admitted to the hospital for Pancreatitus... my solution, once I recovered and wanted to drink again (only sober for 2 weeks) was that I would rule out hard liquor and stick with beer. Started out slow and then got out of hand again, I was also mixing my beer with anti-anxiety medication and found I had developed a big sleep problem... unless I was smashed I could not get more than a few hours of sleep a night.

Anyway I was going through a 30 pack a day and finally got it handed to me with a DUI. I blew a .24 and I seriously thought I was sober. So after shelling out thousands and thousands of dollars for the case, lost time with my business, you name it... oh yeah and I lost my Drivers License for 2 years. Can't take my kids to school in the morning, can't do a goddamn thing but sit at my house on my computer. I even have a $80,000 boat I cant use because my wife does not want to tow it to the lake 6 hours away... I dont blame her. So after 8 months of court stuff I was handed 10 days in jail. Now these 8 months have been the most sober I've been in a long time since I had to be randomly tested via ETG but the stress was adding up and I was getting tired of it all. 3 weeks ago I was sentenced to 1 year of Probation and after the Officer told me he can come to my house and search anytime he wants I hit a breaking point and now I've found myself secretly drinking around my back yard, hiding beer cans everywhere, even though I know when they show up they have breathalyzers... but I just dont get it, I drink a beer and say, THATS IT, NO MORE! Then talk my wife into grabbing another 18 pack late at night because I know if the Officer shows up it will be between 10am-10pm.. or so Ive been told. Without alcohol in me I sleep no more than 2-3 hours a night, that is a major anxiety for me to drink drink drink, constantly checking my breathalyzer to see where Im at, in fact I know if I get to a 0.10 by 1am I will be back to a 0.0 by 10am. She likes to have a few beers too but thats it.

Now that I'm done and the beer seems to be losing it's buzz I feel like an idiot writing this. For the record Ive attended AA, group therapy counseling, anger management, I feel like there is no hope and I'm just going to end up back in jail and my wife will tell me on the phone that she's packin' up.

MycoolFitz

The only one you have to fool is yourself. Its not a game of tag you're it, its an addiction.

Scrappy

Welcome to SR. You can quit. My drink of choice was beer also. Get you some sparkling water. You can get it flavored also. But it helps "replace" beer for me when I really need the "burn" of carbonation. Drink lots of regular water, too. Seem to help me a bunch.

Anna

I hope you make the decision to stop drinking.

You can stop your downward spiral now, or you can continue down.

There is lots of hope and you'll find support here.

nandm

to SR

susanlauren

For the record, mere attendance at AA meetings will not get an alcoholic sober. An analogy if you will: Mere attendance at PTA meetings will not turn an individual into a parent. There are some actions that must be taken in both situations. To wit, ask a recovered alcoholic to sponsor you and work with him to take the twelve steps directly from the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous. That is, if you want sobriety. Susan

anomie666m

I'm new here too. Keep posting okay? If you want, I can give you my email address if you want to "talk" that way. We have a lot in common. There is support and hope. I've only been at this month and I'm blown away at the many people who have YEARS of sobriety and lead full, happy, and healthy lives.

psilyguy

Yep and it's getting around my normal beer run time and Im fighting it so hard just knowing my wife will get it for me. I keep wondering how I will sleep tonight without it. Any help on that one?

Also I had a great AA sponsor and was working up to step 3 then he relapsed due to his divorce... and so did I

Opivotal

Welcome psilguy! You will find plenty of support and experience with all the issues you are going through. Your not alone in this battle to win over alcohol. There is always hope!!



Best Wishes To You!

recoverywfaith

may you have peace on your journey.

psilyguy

Thank you all. I have always sat at my computer at night with beers in hand and these are great things to hear (without a beer). I'll keep you posted on my progress.

newwings

Thanks for sharing your story. It sounds like you really have been through the mill. I sense your despair at yourself and your drinking in your post, and I feel for you. ((( hugs )))

Your wife really, really needs to stop buying beer for you. Unless you are a horrible bully to her to force her to buy it, may I ask why she does, even though you are both living through some terrible consequences of your addiction? Sorry to be so direct, I hope I haven't offended you. You really need your wife on board with you in this....

As to the not sleeping without alcohol, it's a toughie and something that crops up time and time again. All I can suggest is sleep when you can, eat well, drink plenty of fluids (water, juices, not coffee) and ride it out. Sleep comes eventually, and when it does, it's proper sleep, not that awful tossing and turning.

Have you considered in-patient rehab at all? It sounds like you've been working on sobriety for a while now and feel a bit jaded with recovery methods - maybe you need something more?

I really have my fingers crossed for you. All the best.

topspin

Psilyguy,

Welcome to SR. Stopping now means you won't have to go through all the things that could/ will happen on a spiral. You have a lot to live for.

I found this site back in April 2010, and it's been unbelievebly helpful.

There's a lot of workable programs you'll find to get sober; ....the initial idea of "not drinking , no matter what" helped me the most those first 2 or 3 weeks.

You'll find plenty of support and wisdom here.


I really do hope you'll keep us posted on your progress !!

SweetB

welcome and wishing you luck and strength...you will find your way out of this. The people here are understanding, supportive, and kind. I did not think when I joined last year that I was comfortable here. But here I am, a year later and after lots of drug use, I feel comfortable.

You will too!

Rado

I hid all my drinking and felt the same way yet still did it. Hell, not too long ago I woke up at 5am and started drinking and by 11am I'd passed out knowing full well I had to be with my family later that day. Actually a variation of that happened several times. (I have a habit of waking up early after drinking the night before and I always made sure I left a little bit of booze behind so I could start right away before the liquor stores opened.) I did everything I could to cover up everything. I hid it from my boyfriend, my family (well, it's still a secret from them), neighbors, whoever. Everyone. I think that's partially what helped me to give it up. I drank initially to relieve anxiety but then my drinking became the reason I was anxious. I would've found it even harder if my boyfriend had bought me vodka when I couldn't.

I don't want to be presumptuous but have you tried couples therapy? It's not going to "solve" your alcohol problems, and I'm certainly no expert at any of this and still new, but reading that really made me wonder whether she really understands your desire to drink.

But, good luck. I've been reading this site for awhile and just started posting but these guys genuinely want to help and they give good advice. Be well. I hope everything works out for you and your family.

GirlFromCO

Hi Psilyguy! I read your post and I was really struck by one thing: it seems like drinking is a full time job for you, between worrying about breathalyzers and probation officers, getting your wife to buy booze for you, hiding, worrying, getting sick and everything else. That's an exhausting amount of work, and I think a good illustration of how drinking can never fully be under our control. It's like living with a tiger or something. I find this blog really useful and inspiring - you might want to check it out. The Immortal Alcoholic

I hope you find the support you need here at SR. It sounds like you have a lot on your plate, and I wish you all my best in this journey. It ain't easy. Again, welcome

artsoul

I had my last drink while posting here, too. I got tired of the vicious cycle (drinking to get over the stress of a drinking life). I didn't think I could live without it. Now I see that was part of the insanity......

You're not alone....... I hope you continue to come here and give sobriety a try.

psilyguy

Earlier I saw someone post the link for Rain In My Heart... OMG I was completely dumfounded by what I saw. That was me at my worst, my wife watched it with me and said 'Ive seen you just like that'. The binging and vomiting, messing with prescriptions, just wanting to shake them and say WHAT ARE YOU THINKING!! Where was that video 8 months ago? My wife videotaped me one night on Ambien after I drank way too much. I was asleep BUT barely breathing, I didnt really believe it I guess. In fact she had to flush my pills down the toilet to nearly keep me from killing myself & call my doctor and cancel my prescription.. I didnt realize how bad it was until I went through the withdrawals from them... the biggest nightmare I've ever experienced. If anyone is on that stuff GET OFF IT NOW!

My wife is very supportive, in fact in my Probation terms I cannot have any alcohol on the property or I go back to jail. She's fully agreed to stop as well BUT she HAS the right to say ' I can't control you if you need a drink'. Isn't that the truth. I have to do this myself.

So I'm sober, all the cans are picked up, no beer around whatsoever and we are going to the dumpster later tonight. I told her don't stop to buy beer even if I ask, she agreed.

So glad I found this Forum!

newwings

I saw that documentary, too. It was awful - and I was transfixed. I think if I'd seen it before I'd got sober, I never would have gotten to the end of the program. Seeing it sober, it made me realize what an evil, destructive issue this is, and that I should never let down my guard. I've never forgotten it.

I am so glad your wife and you are on the same page, it's going to help in so many ways. And yes, she does have the right to say she can't control you, it's true, she can't. I've no experience of this, but maybe her going to Al Anon would be helpful to her? It would give her support in this, too. There are some great stickies on the forum about it, plus many people with good advice for her about dealing with living with one of us!

All the best!

CarolD

While this has nothing to do with drinking or early sobriety....perhaps it will be useful for you....

Insomnia? 42 Simple Tips to Help You Get to Sleep - Insomnia treatment, cures

All my best to you and your loved ones...Welcome...