Deserted by the love of my life......a RA
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: xx
Posts: 2
Deserted by the love of my life......a RA
Hi Folks.
I have battled, accepted, received treatment for and live cleanly for addictions in the past.
I am a mother of three.
I met a wonderful man who has been a RA for 6 years. We have been together just over 2 years. His attendance of meetings dwindled then stopped. I should of encouraged him to continue.
We had a surprise baby together........then life through a series of events took a tumble financially.
He has dellusions of grandeur........(he comes from a rich family who always bail him out)....and is not willing to accept he's as without the big bucks like the rest of us. He has little patience, quick to anger, spins out all the time in his mind and cannot see where he is wrong.
i am not perfect in anyway and I realise my shortcomings in supporting him to continue with AA.
He has walked on me and three kids leaving up to my neck in debt, even though our business is just about to take off and life is about to only get better. In two days, he decided that he would do a u turn and go from in love to no love and is willing to leave me with the sole responsability of the kids, house etc etc. he left us with no finance, car etc........
He has refused to talk to me and is treating me like a leper.
I have said take time........get help.........I'll support you emotionally........i'll even go to group too so I can learn to support better........but no. In two days our lives have been terminated forever in his eyes and that's that.Cut off. not even an inquirey as to how his baby girl is.
What do I do folks. I love this man with all my heart . He has worked so hard for this family........but due to one too many arguements over finances and his innability to see my point of view on anything. BOOM!
I have battled, accepted, received treatment for and live cleanly for addictions in the past.
I am a mother of three.
I met a wonderful man who has been a RA for 6 years. We have been together just over 2 years. His attendance of meetings dwindled then stopped. I should of encouraged him to continue.
We had a surprise baby together........then life through a series of events took a tumble financially.
He has dellusions of grandeur........(he comes from a rich family who always bail him out)....and is not willing to accept he's as without the big bucks like the rest of us. He has little patience, quick to anger, spins out all the time in his mind and cannot see where he is wrong.
i am not perfect in anyway and I realise my shortcomings in supporting him to continue with AA.
He has walked on me and three kids leaving up to my neck in debt, even though our business is just about to take off and life is about to only get better. In two days, he decided that he would do a u turn and go from in love to no love and is willing to leave me with the sole responsability of the kids, house etc etc. he left us with no finance, car etc........
He has refused to talk to me and is treating me like a leper.
I have said take time........get help.........I'll support you emotionally........i'll even go to group too so I can learn to support better........but no. In two days our lives have been terminated forever in his eyes and that's that.Cut off. not even an inquirey as to how his baby girl is.
What do I do folks. I love this man with all my heart . He has worked so hard for this family........but due to one too many arguements over finances and his innability to see my point of view on anything. BOOM!
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,773
You'll get more responses if you post in Newcomers as this is a forum for help with forum issues. Or go to this forum for help in dealing with an addict.
Friends and Family of Substance Abusers - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
Friends and Family of Substance Abusers - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Hi Digbygirl and Welcome to SR!
I have moved your thread to the Friends and Family of Alcoholics forum because I believe more folks will see it here who understand exactly what you are going through.
We are glad you're here!
HG
I have moved your thread to the Friends and Family of Alcoholics forum because I believe more folks will see it here who understand exactly what you are going through.
We are glad you're here!
HG
Member
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 433
I know how you feel because I was dumped by my recovering A boyfriend yesterday. It was a total shock from 'I love you' on Friday to 'I don't ever want to be with you again' on Saturday. I don't know if my BF relapsed, but if he hasn't already, all the warning signs are there. In the past, when he wanted to drink again, he would suddenly start blaming me for everything, and then disappear. So who knows what happened?
My BF had a temper too, and a lot of life setbacks. But like in your situation, our lives seemed about to turn around for the better too. But then he split! He blamed me for causing stress in his life. It's pretty ironic since I was willing to help him out financially with some important things and let him move in with me as he is probably getting evicted from his place.
Part of me suspects that, even though he's going to AA, he gave in to 'stinkin thinkin' and I got tossed by the wayside.
We don't have kids together, but I have two children from a previous relationship that he claimed to love and care about deeply. Now, nothing. He's just gone.
I guess what I'm saying is, you are not alone!! You sound like a caring partner and I was, too. I've accepted that my BF is incapable of being a reliable partner, at least for now. I hope that you hear from your partner so you can at least get some closure or feedback. I think that alcoholics DO love their families, but when they are consumed by the addiction, they can't show it. Hang in there for your kids' sake. Somehow we all survive these things.
My BF had a temper too, and a lot of life setbacks. But like in your situation, our lives seemed about to turn around for the better too. But then he split! He blamed me for causing stress in his life. It's pretty ironic since I was willing to help him out financially with some important things and let him move in with me as he is probably getting evicted from his place.
Part of me suspects that, even though he's going to AA, he gave in to 'stinkin thinkin' and I got tossed by the wayside.
We don't have kids together, but I have two children from a previous relationship that he claimed to love and care about deeply. Now, nothing. He's just gone.
I guess what I'm saying is, you are not alone!! You sound like a caring partner and I was, too. I've accepted that my BF is incapable of being a reliable partner, at least for now. I hope that you hear from your partner so you can at least get some closure or feedback. I think that alcoholics DO love their families, but when they are consumed by the addiction, they can't show it. Hang in there for your kids' sake. Somehow we all survive these things.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Hi Digbygirl! Welcome to SR.
Although I am a recovering codependent, I'm going to take a stab at this as a long-term recovering alcoholic/addict.
You said...
And then...
Big red flags are popping up all over with this stuff, not only quitting meetings, but the resulting inappropriate behavior and attitudes.
I've been through this myself (minus the rich family), and the result was a big fat drunk that extended over a two month period of time after 4 years clean/sober.
The fact that he walked out and left you high and dry speaks volumes to his character and I am so sorry he has done this to you. Spoiled inconsiderate brat is what comes to mind.
I know it feels personal, but it's not. He's obviously got huge issues and subsequently left you sitting in the carnage.
Are you getting any emotional support for yourself like Alanon? That's a great place to be for face-to-face support among those who understand.
I also recommend the book "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie.
I hope you continue to post, and know that you are among friends, okay?
Although I am a recovering codependent, I'm going to take a stab at this as a long-term recovering alcoholic/addict.
You said...
His attendance of meetings dwindled then stopped.
He has dellusions of grandeur........(he comes from a rich family who always bail him out)....and is not willing to accept he's as without the big bucks like the rest of us. He has little patience, quick to anger, spins out all the time in his mind and cannot see where he is wrong.
I've been through this myself (minus the rich family), and the result was a big fat drunk that extended over a two month period of time after 4 years clean/sober.
The fact that he walked out and left you high and dry speaks volumes to his character and I am so sorry he has done this to you. Spoiled inconsiderate brat is what comes to mind.
I know it feels personal, but it's not. He's obviously got huge issues and subsequently left you sitting in the carnage.
Are you getting any emotional support for yourself like Alanon? That's a great place to be for face-to-face support among those who understand.
I also recommend the book "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie.
I hope you continue to post, and know that you are among friends, okay?
Member
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: England
Posts: 741
He really doesn't sound like a guy any one would want to be in a relationship with. What exactly do you love about him? Or are you in love with the idea of what he could be like if he were to change?
I know you're hurting but it really sounds as if he's done you a huge favour...sometimes people have problems that are just too big for others to have to be around and deal with.
It was his choice to quit AA. Not your responsibility to encourage him to go, he should be going for himself, off his own back.
I know you're hurting but it really sounds as if he's done you a huge favour...sometimes people have problems that are just too big for others to have to be around and deal with.
It was his choice to quit AA. Not your responsibility to encourage him to go, he should be going for himself, off his own back.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 674
Welcome, I agree with previous posters...there is nothing you could have done to encourage him to continue to attend AA meetings. We are just not that powerful. I forced my A to go to meetings, so he went, but he drank anyway.
What we CAN do, is take care of ourselves, so try to put the focus on you and your children. They need you, and you need you, and your RA will find his own path. Just try to put him aside for now, really, you can never go wrong if you take care of yourself.
What we CAN do, is take care of ourselves, so try to put the focus on you and your children. They need you, and you need you, and your RA will find his own path. Just try to put him aside for now, really, you can never go wrong if you take care of yourself.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Yup, it isn't your job to "encourage him to go to meetings". Nothing he did is your fault.
Focus on healing yourself and your family right now. He may get back on the recovery track (hope he does, for his child's sake), but regardless of what he does, you can take care of you and your kiddos.
He has financial obligations toward his own child. I suggest you talk with a lawyer as soon as possible (many will give free or low-cost consultations) or barring that, go to family court and ask for a pro se (representing yourself) packet on how to apply for child support. The court is unlikely to order "back support" pre-dating the time you file, so you don't want to sit on this for too long.
Hugs,
Focus on healing yourself and your family right now. He may get back on the recovery track (hope he does, for his child's sake), but regardless of what he does, you can take care of you and your kiddos.
He has financial obligations toward his own child. I suggest you talk with a lawyer as soon as possible (many will give free or low-cost consultations) or barring that, go to family court and ask for a pro se (representing yourself) packet on how to apply for child support. The court is unlikely to order "back support" pre-dating the time you file, so you don't want to sit on this for too long.
Hugs,
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Wow - great posts here already. All I can do is second everyone else. Time to get proactive instead of reactive. Someone needs to take care of that family, and right now it looks like you. And sounds like you have the skills to manage things yourself.
I'm sorry this is happening, but believe things happen for a reason that isn't always clear at first.
Stay strong!
~T
I'm sorry this is happening, but believe things happen for a reason that isn't always clear at first.
Stay strong!
~T
Member
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Central Texas
Posts: 63
Thanks for sharing, Digby. I needed to know I'm not alone and to hear the helpful support from other members. I was just left high and dry by my boyfriend after moving (He came up with us then left after one day) and am struggling to understand and move on.
I think the hardest part is why I was spending time with him to begin with. He treated me like crap. He would be kind and helpful up to a certain point, then when it really matters, he would abandon me.
It makes me feel that there is something very, very wrong with me to be attracted to someone like that. But it's not me, it's his addictive personality. He, too, stopped going to meetings for a while, but then started back up. So when he had an urge to drink, it was because everyone else and everything else is "crazy" and he's not "buying into the insanity" anymore.
My kids are heartbroken like me, he has been a huge part of our lives for the past year and a half...
But he really did do me a FAVOR. I initiated no contact in the past, but he would call me after a while, and I would...answer. I just "knew" that he loves us, he just doesn't know how to show it... I was constantly making excuses for his behavior, and also holding on to someone that he COULD be, not who he actually is. Though he is that person SOME of the time, abandonment does not constitute a good quality in a person for me anymore.
I am sure he is already working on finding an enabling, codependent girlfriend. I know that he is because I saw him on a dating website. I was checking up on him, of course, because I have to punish myself more!!! ARGH!
I have to return to my serenity. And maybe now I can.
I think the hardest part is why I was spending time with him to begin with. He treated me like crap. He would be kind and helpful up to a certain point, then when it really matters, he would abandon me.
It makes me feel that there is something very, very wrong with me to be attracted to someone like that. But it's not me, it's his addictive personality. He, too, stopped going to meetings for a while, but then started back up. So when he had an urge to drink, it was because everyone else and everything else is "crazy" and he's not "buying into the insanity" anymore.
My kids are heartbroken like me, he has been a huge part of our lives for the past year and a half...
But he really did do me a FAVOR. I initiated no contact in the past, but he would call me after a while, and I would...answer. I just "knew" that he loves us, he just doesn't know how to show it... I was constantly making excuses for his behavior, and also holding on to someone that he COULD be, not who he actually is. Though he is that person SOME of the time, abandonment does not constitute a good quality in a person for me anymore.
I am sure he is already working on finding an enabling, codependent girlfriend. I know that he is because I saw him on a dating website. I was checking up on him, of course, because I have to punish myself more!!! ARGH!
I have to return to my serenity. And maybe now I can.
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