Jessicajaye13

I am 22 years old and ever since I can remember my father has been an alcoholic. When I was 13 I was removed from his care by child protective services and placed in a children's home. My entire childhood was flooded with abuse both verbally, physically, and mentally. However each move/decision I've ever made in life has been centered around being near my father in order to take care of him. I even chose a college in the city he was living in and moved in next door so I could be close to him. I figured if I was there he wouldn't be lonely and maybe he wouldn't drink. Of course I was sadly mistaken and my college years that are supposed to be 'the best years' were plagued with disappointment, sadness, and anger because on my fathers continued relapse despite how much I was there for him. This month I graduated from college and I'm ready to move to ____ in order to attend my dream school for my masters degree. He had originally decided to move to the same city to remain close to me. Despite my concerns to relive the past I of course agreed out of the need to help my father. However, we were supposed to be moving at the end of the month but he has started a new drinking binge. He has been completely wasted for 2 weeks and is worse off then I've ever seen him. My usual routine is to march into his house guns blazing, pour everything out, hide his keys, and sit on a chair in front of him till he sobers up. When I tried it this time it failed. He just got angry and screamed and called the cops on me. And of course the cops told me that if he wants to drink himself to death there is nothing they could do and that if he didn't want me in his house than I couldn't be. I went back to check on him today and he was passed out in the bathroom with urine all over him and in the same clothes for two weeks. I have been an emotional wreck forever. I tear myself up inside because I always believe there is something more I could be doing. I feel like if I do nothing and he dies it will be my fault because I didn't try hard enough. My mom is begging me to just walk away and be done with it. She thinks that the constant verbal abuse is damaging my mental health. And I think she could be right. I've always been a very organized driven person but this past month I'm losing it. I just don't know how to be in control anymore. I have four sisters and although I know they love me and my father they pretty much aren't around for him and all the burden is on my shoulders. And being the youngest at 22 I just feel it to be overwhelming and unfair.

So I guess what I'm asking is when is it finally time to walk away from my father? It feels like if I do I will be responsible. When is enough enough? I'm starting to become worried over my sanity and my future relationship with men. I'm worried that I'll continue to lash out because that is what I learned growing up.

What do I do?!?
Please help before it's too late!

micealc

You have been so Strong....I can hear it and See it in you Post.
Take it from me.....he wont change,you have done your part.
Its time you let him be responsible for himself.
Please get to an Al Anon Meeting for yourself or Call someone connected with said meetings.
Later on you May Need to Go To ACA and also get Counciling for yourself.
Let your older Siblings look after him for a change ,he is using you.

Has He ever admitted to Been An Alcoholic,or attended AA.
Heres Wishing you the Best for you,take care for now.

dollydo

I am sorry for your pain.

However, there is nothing you can do to save him. This is his issue to resolve, you did not cause it, you cannot control it and you definately cannot cure it.

Alcoholism is a disease of the family, affecting not only the alcoholic, but, the entire family. Children of alcoholics feel painfully responsible for the actions of the addict, many can never relax into their own lives. This sounds like what has happend to you.

Some children of alcoholics in adulthood suffer from, depression, anxiety, aggression, impulsive behavior and a negative self image. Others, develop a pattern of compulsive behavior, not necessarily becoming an alcoholic or drug addict, they become overeaters, workalcoholics, and so on.....and a large number of us become codependent (that's me).

Ok, so now what? I would suggest that you read Codependent No More, by Melodie Beattie, I would also highly recommend attending Alanon meetings both are a good starting point for you to recover from the trauma that you have suffered due to his addiction.

I would recommend that you start distancing yourself from him, living with or close to him is very toxic for you, and will do nothing to stop him from drinking. He will have to fall to his knees before he will ever consider recovery. His recover is his choice, he must want to stop drinking more than anything else in the world, and he will need a strong recovery program, one that he will have to embrace for the rest of his life. Remember, he will always be an alcoholic, it is just a matter of whether he is drinking or not.

I am the daughter of two alcoholics, my father stopped drinking 20 years ago, without a recovery program, he was a dry drunk and died last year. My mother is 85 and still drinks to this day, she is manipulative, abusive and just plain nasty. There have been 2 times in my life when I have gone totally no contact with her, once for 2 years and the other for 10 years, those were the most peaceful years of my life.

You sound like an intellegent person, save yourself, there is nothing you can do to save him.

Keep posting, read around the other boards, such as family and friends of alcoholics, lots of great information being shared there.

lifeonerth

I just wrote this huge, long, well thought out reply to this post and then hit the wrong button and it was gone... aarrrggghhhh!!!! Oh well. In short, I am in the same position as you right now, deciding whether to cut ties with my Mom the abusive alcoholic. I wanted to highly recommend ACA over Alanon because Alanon seems mainly focused on spouses and partners of alcoholics who have chosen those relationships and are responsible for that. As children, we did NOT choose anything about our alcoholic parents and our relationship with them, and we were victims of their abusive behavior. As adults, we can now make choices, but we are forever changed by the way our alcoholic parents raised us. The dynamic is totally different, and ACA recognizes and addresses this as no other 12-step program I have seen does. I highly recommend that you seek out an ACA meeting, or failing that, you can get their Big Red Book and accompanying workbook from their website. The site also has forums, etc. There might be web-based meetings, I don't know- maybe we should start one if not. :-) I like to approach these kinds of problems as a cost-benefit analysis. What benefits do you gain from your relationship with your father, if any? What are the costs to you personally? If you write it out in two columns, it can be a very enlightening exercise. That may help you decide. I have to echo the others here, YOU ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR YOUR FATHER'S ACTIONS!!!! This is a common trap of the unique kind of codependency developed by the child of an alcoholic. He is an adult and it is his choice to continue drinking, even if it kills him, and it has NOTHING to do with you WHATSOEVER. You deserve happiness and freedom from this. Your life is yours to lead as you choose, but I am pulling for you to go do your Masters program and let go of the need to "fix" him or "control" him, because you cannot do either. He has to figure out his own life for himself, just like my mother. If they kill themselves with drink, it was their choice. It will be painful, but you must be free to find and heal your authentic self and grow into the beautiful, strong person you were meant to be. I am saying this for both of us. :-) I wish you love and compassion for YOURSELF, because you need it the most out of the two of you!

GingerM

Echoing what was said above: you are not responsible for the actions of others.

Try thinking of it this way: To assume you have the ability to control the actions of others is to assume that you are omnipotent and omnipresent. These are characteristics usually ascribed to God. Do you really believe you have so much power over your father that you are God-like?

This is what you're expecting of yourself when you think you can change his behavior or that his condition will be different (better or worse) if you're not there. That expectation leads, inevitably, to failure.

You are simply not that powerful. Let's face it, if you were, you would have already changed it. It is not your responsibility to take care of your father. You do not have the power to make him change. You are not omnipotent nor omnipresent. He will do as he feels. The police were correct. It is his choice.

Here are the things you are required to do for your father:
1. If you are aware that he is severely injured, you must call an ambulance.
2. If you believe he is suicidal, you must call the police.
3. If you believe he is dead, you must call the police.

That's it. Not only are those the only things you're responsible for, those are legal requirements.

And if you move away and leave him behind? You are no longer burdened even with those requirements - they become someone else's. Everyone has the right to choose how they are going to poison themselves - some choose food, some choose work, some choose toxic relationships, some choose alcohol/drugs. But it is their choice to make - not yours.

When do you know it's time to walk away? That depends entirely on how emotionally wrapped up you are in believing that you can change things. The time to walk away is when you fully believe that you did not cause the situation, you cannot change the situation and you cannot cure your father. Until you fully believe that, you are meeting some need of your own by care-giving for him. What need is it? A desire to have the father you think you "should" have? A need to feel like your father isn't a lost cause? A need to not acknowledge that it is hopeless? These are all YOUR needs - not his.

When you find a way to either meet your own needs without your father, or to eliminate them as needs, then you will be ready (and perhaps even eager) to walk away.

GG733

Walk away. It may be the impetus he needs. MAY. This relationship isn't just toxic for you, it's toxic for him too. As long as you're there to pull him out of self imposed morass after self imposed morass he'll never hit bottom. His choices, then (and now), are not your burdens to bare.

MMkM

I also stayed around and helped my Mom through her alchoholism and it really truly does not stop them from drinking, also tried to force siblings to do things and this just started a worse dysfunctional family pattern that we struggle with now.

It just makes you stressed out.

Here you are ready to go move and start a Master's Degree, that should be an exciting time in your life and obviously for your career.

You do need Al anon or ACoA or both and possibly a therapist (there may be one at your college you are about to attend) and post here and read.

A fact about alcoholism - AA is probably the best organization in the world - they would respond to your father's phone call and best direct him on what to do, where to go and follow up if he wanted them to do so. If he was ready to do meetings most likely someone would take him to them.

Leave him the AA phone numbers in your area.

It is his decision to call and he would get help but this is the best help out there and you are leaving the contact numbers for him to call and that is all.

There is not any way you can force or threaten or even intervention this (they easily return to their drinking).

You have other siblings that have successfully turned away from this - it is their turn (as someone mentioned) to help if they want to do so, but you can't force this either.

You need to work on you now.

Jessicajaye13

Thank you all so very much for your kind words. It is unbelievable how much better I feel just know that other people have gone through this and are going through this now. This kind of depression truly makes you feel isolated and it is really wonderful to be able to share how I really feel with y'all. I've tried to talk to my boyfriend about it but he just can't comprehend what exactly it is to have an alcoholic parent. He constantly calls me crazy because I tend to get overstressed then just break down. Ive also been noticing his drinking a lot lately and have realized I am dating someone who could potentially become just like my father. It's heartbreaking. I've been with him four years and now I'm trying to help him too. Another's problems on my shoulders. Maybe I do have some need to help others I don't know. I'm just so stressed. I literally looked up on the Internet whether or not stress could cause a heart attack because that's the level of stress I feel.

It's becoming so clear that I need to get away from this cycle. I want to be HAPPY!!! That's it. Now I just have to come up with the money to make the move and I will. That's the only way.

Please keep posting everyone. It's wonderful to talk to people who understand!!

dollydo

As a little side note, here is a statistic for you:

50% of children who had one or more parent who was/is an alcoholic marry alcoholics.

Count me in, I married two!

We are here for you.

MMkM

JessicaJay you also might want to read in the Friends and Family of Alchohics forum.

It is useful for ACoA, but also has a lot of info on relationships with alcoholics and you might find out your boyfriend's drinking is something you don't want to be around after what you are going through.

That section is really helpful.

And you will find people dealing with the stress of a relationship with alcoholics in their family or friends.

One of the skills you will learn is no contact, setting boundaries, another is detaching, and most importantly working on you and your life and your wants and needs.

You really should get in a program of recovery as soon as possible and you will find more peace about this situation.

In Family and Friends there are some posts on the steps of AlAnon that is very helpful.

Also, don't forget about the stickies at the top in each forum with lots of information.