Separation/divorce - what do I need to be doing now?
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 19
Separation/divorce - what do I need to be doing now?
Hi all. My AH is continuing his tear of financial irresponsibility. He received his last check from his last job (it was just a partial check, so only a small amount) and went and spent it on wine, soda, and ice cream. I've about had it. I told him this morning that I can't keep living this way and he launched into a series of, "It's not my fault that the job market is hard!" 
Anyway. I found a divorce attorney online that is local to me and looks good, based on her website. She seems to favor arbitration/mediation rather than going to court which I like. She offers a 30 minute consultation but I'm not quite ready to take the step of contacting her. From those of you who have been there, is there anything I should or could be doing now to prepare for this in my future?
AH has been to the ER for withdrawal in the past and also seen his own doctor for problems with depression and alcohol, so I'm guessing that will be enough documentation of his alcoholism, right? Do I need to be documenting anything, saving anything, writing anything down, taking pictures of anything to have a "case"? I did some research this morning and I live in a "no fault" state which I guess means that I don't have to prove that the marriage failed due to someone's fault. We do have young kids so I'm not sure if I should be doing anything now to later prove something for custody.
This was so not how my life was supposed to work out.
Anyway. I found a divorce attorney online that is local to me and looks good, based on her website. She seems to favor arbitration/mediation rather than going to court which I like. She offers a 30 minute consultation but I'm not quite ready to take the step of contacting her. From those of you who have been there, is there anything I should or could be doing now to prepare for this in my future?
AH has been to the ER for withdrawal in the past and also seen his own doctor for problems with depression and alcohol, so I'm guessing that will be enough documentation of his alcoholism, right? Do I need to be documenting anything, saving anything, writing anything down, taking pictures of anything to have a "case"? I did some research this morning and I live in a "no fault" state which I guess means that I don't have to prove that the marriage failed due to someone's fault. We do have young kids so I'm not sure if I should be doing anything now to later prove something for custody.
This was so not how my life was supposed to work out.
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Alaska
Posts: 2,913
Hugs, Lemonade. It's a hard decision; when you're ready to contact a lawyer, they'll be able to give you advice on what you may need for your case.
Before I'd even thought of separating from XAH, I had made sure I had my own bank account. XAH was spending all of his paychecks on who-knew-what and then would start in on mine because it was in a joint account.
I started my divorce filing on my own. I went to the state's website and downloaded the paperwork from there and it gave me a fairly good idea of where to start.
Then I started trying to figure out what would make me feel at least marginally better about letting DS visit with his father. I set up a best case scenario - the ideal of what I thought would protect DS while still allowing him to know is father. Then I listed concessions that I would be willing to make.
We'd been living apart for a while by the time I filed. Part way through, I started keeping track of the days he promised to visit DS, the days he actually showed up, the days he was drunk when dropped DS back off.
We didn't have much (a couple cars) by way of property to split, but if you do, you might want to draw up a list (there's usually a value minimum - may vary by state) and whether it was marital/separate and who you think it should go to in the divorce.
Research, research, research. Start making a list of questions to ask the prospective lawyer.
Above all, be gentle with yourself during all this. Remember to take care of yourself.
Before I'd even thought of separating from XAH, I had made sure I had my own bank account. XAH was spending all of his paychecks on who-knew-what and then would start in on mine because it was in a joint account.
I started my divorce filing on my own. I went to the state's website and downloaded the paperwork from there and it gave me a fairly good idea of where to start.
Then I started trying to figure out what would make me feel at least marginally better about letting DS visit with his father. I set up a best case scenario - the ideal of what I thought would protect DS while still allowing him to know is father. Then I listed concessions that I would be willing to make.
We'd been living apart for a while by the time I filed. Part way through, I started keeping track of the days he promised to visit DS, the days he actually showed up, the days he was drunk when dropped DS back off.
We didn't have much (a couple cars) by way of property to split, but if you do, you might want to draw up a list (there's usually a value minimum - may vary by state) and whether it was marital/separate and who you think it should go to in the divorce.
Research, research, research. Start making a list of questions to ask the prospective lawyer.
Above all, be gentle with yourself during all this. Remember to take care of yourself.
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
In my opinion going for a free consultation will help you better understand what your options are. Look at it as fact finding mission. Doesn't mean that you have to go forward with anything today or tomorrow.
Financial issues are primary, having money of your own, if you do not have a job, it may be time to start looking, even if it only ends up being a part time job, it will help. Gather all important documents. Record all his behavior, keep a journal by date.
The bottom line is, try and be prepared for whatever comes your way.
Financial issues are primary, having money of your own, if you do not have a job, it may be time to start looking, even if it only ends up being a part time job, it will help. Gather all important documents. Record all his behavior, keep a journal by date.
The bottom line is, try and be prepared for whatever comes your way.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 111
Heres a list I made
income tax returns
income payroll stubs
personal prop tax
banking info like CDs, 401ks, savings
life insurance info
health insurance info
outstanding debts
house deed
mortgage statement
home equity statement if applicable
this may sound really harsh but I had a friend recommend I video my AH when he is drunk. I didnt do it. My attorney said pictures arent much use as they can be staged. Also be careful what you post on facebook.
income tax returns
income payroll stubs
personal prop tax
banking info like CDs, 401ks, savings
life insurance info
health insurance info
outstanding debts
house deed
mortgage statement
home equity statement if applicable
this may sound really harsh but I had a friend recommend I video my AH when he is drunk. I didnt do it. My attorney said pictures arent much use as they can be staged. Also be careful what you post on facebook.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 19
Originally Posted by theuncertainty 
Above all, be gentle with yourself during all this. Remember to take care of yourself.
Originally Posted by dollydo
In my opinion going for a free consultation will help you better understand what your options are. Look at it as fact finding mission. Doesn't mean that you have to go forward with anything today or tomorrow.
Originally Posted by Leaping
this may sound really harsh but I had a friend recommend I video my AH when he is drunk. I didnt do it. My attorney said pictures arent much use as they can be staged. Also be careful what you post on facebook.
Thanks, all, for your tips. *hugs*
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