Need advice please....

Old 07-08-2011, 04:46 AM
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Need advice please....

I'm looking for advice on the situation with my son. He came to me in May with his addiction to percocets that he had been taking for about 8 months. The next day we got him into a detox. Upon release he was fearful of the outpatient option and decided to call a place that one of the counselors had told him about. The next day he was on a flight, at their expense to this place that I thought was a Godsend. Now 45 days later they are recommending a halfway house for him there. I'm not against that at all, but I'm now questioning their motives. The halfway house there would mean that they would still be handling his treatment, and I have actually seen less forward movement in his recovery now than when he first got there. He left here knowing and saying that although it was going to be hard but he knew he would have to leave behind most of his friends. Then he called one of them this week. He rarely calls his family, and his girlfriend that he knows is unhealthy for him dangles as he started that conversation and then left her confused. I'm new to this so correct me if I'm wrong, but shouldn't they be helping him learn to face these issues while he's there before they release him? The other thing they keep telling me is that coming back to school because he's in college would be too stressful for him, but a halfway house would require him to get a full time job and pay all his bills. Wouldn't that be just as stressful?..
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Old 07-08-2011, 04:54 AM
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Please let me add that I'm not thinking he can come home and all will be great. He would be in an outpatient program here where we live, and he would be living at home rather than on his own as he had been. I called the center and asked if he was made aware of that option and they made me feel like they were talking in circles around it. I know he must be scared and I just want him to know he has support and choices.
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Old 07-08-2011, 05:00 AM
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Welcome to SR and the world of recovery. You do not say how old your son is. I'm assuming he is of legal age.

Going into a halfway house is a very good option. Not going to college right now sounds like good advice to me. Living around other people serious about sobriety, challenging each other on their behaviors that could lead to relapse is a very good thing. You see, your son's brain has been damaged by the chemicals he took. It took a while for that damage to happen, and it is going to take a while for his brain to heal. Working full-time and being responsible for his bills is a great way to start back into the world of sober living while at the same time living 24/7 with other people striving to do the same is a very good thing.

My advice for you is to read the stickies at the top, educate yourself on alcohol and other drugs and their effect on the brain and the person's behavior, the family's response to all of that, and VERY IMPORTANT to find yourself Alanon and/or Naranon meetings to become involved in. Oh, and don't forget this site also.

Again, welcome to SR and the world of recovery.
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Old 07-08-2011, 05:36 AM
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asharin - welcome, although i am sorry you find the need for this type of help- we are all unwilling participants, but we certainly all understand your concerns - the thing about addiction is that it not only effects the addict's brain and behaviors, but it causes us who love that addict to have to skew our thinking especially if we are the parents - it took me a looong time to really grasp the idea that i cannot think about what my son needs to do or what i need to do as his mother in a "normal" way - sojourner's advice is really good - an addict has to relearn how to live and that has to be his desire for it to be successful - the more people he has around him that understand what he is dealing with the better - please continue to come back and share - we all depend on each other here to encourage, share and sometimes give us a kick in the pants if needed -
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Old 07-08-2011, 05:41 AM
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how i wish my addict son would choose to move away from all his friends & make a new start & work HIS recovery. i know we both want our sons around us but as of now his recovery comes first. without recovery there will be no college. this disease has to be treated everyday or it only grows worse. it take a lot for an addict to stay clean. he has to learn how. it is more than just wanting to. find naranon for you & keep coming back here. hugs & prayers,
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Old 07-08-2011, 08:56 AM
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Rehab/treatment does not cure addiction. At best it can teach a highly motivated addict about the tools of recovery. The really hard part is learning to cope with life as is/where with out substance in the real world.

Moving into a sober living enviornment that compels their guests to take responsibility for themselves is a huge stepping stone to maturity.
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Old 07-08-2011, 09:03 AM
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One of the best things that ever happened to me was finding myself the single parent of an 8-year-old daughter after I got out of rehab, and starting over in a new place.

I was pounding the pavement the day after discharge from rehab, landed a full-time job within a week, and in a month's time had a rental for my daughter and myself. I had to be responsible for the two of us.

Getting a job and being responsible is a great way to help a recovering addict find self-worth and continue moving forward in recovery.

Trust the process!
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Old 07-08-2011, 04:50 PM
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Thank you all for your posts. Today was quite eye opening for me. I found out more about what is actually going on. I didn't mention this in my first post but my son was put on ADHD meds as soon as he got to the facility. This was a surprise to me because he had never seemed like he needed them. Anyway, they were helping him so I was ok with it. Last week he said he stopped taking them because they kept increasing his dose when he said they put in a fog. That I was told about. What I wasn't told about was that he had bought energy drinks while grocery shopping and had been drinking them which wasnt allowed so he was basically bouncing off the walls. He has not been focused, and when asked to extend his stay, told his therapist that he needed to go. This was where the suggestions came in for the halfway house. Once I was finally told the truth about what was going on, I thought that would be better than coming home. Then they told me that I would have to pay for it until he got a job. Unfortunately, I cant afford that right now. That immediately made his counselor change his tune and say then he will be coming home. Now I'm facing my 22-year old son coming home when he doesn't want to and should really still be in the program he's in now. His counselor is going to find him a program where we live and set up his first appt., but now I'm terrified that it's going to go really bad. I'm flying down there next Friday and bringing him home with me but I'm hoping that sometime between now and when we get on that plane I cam convince him to stay. I know I cant make him do what he doesn't want to, but he just started a new med so I'm really praying.. Wow, I'm sorry this is so long....
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Old 07-08-2011, 06:16 PM
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i am surprised they put him on that medication. my addict g-son is on it & no rehab will take him because he is on it. they claim he can not b clean & sober if he is on a drug. it really does not matterr what for. it is a very hard & some times a long road with an addict. that is the reason we have to learn to take care of our selves. hugs & prayers,
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Old 07-09-2011, 06:27 AM
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They actually put him on 4 different meds. Strattera for ADHD which is a non stimulant, then propanolol, gababentin, and seroquel xr. The second two for anxiety and the third for sleeping? Since he didn't do well on the Strattera, they now have him on Wellbutrin for his ADHD.
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Old 07-09-2011, 10:24 AM
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You don't have to bring your son home and, since he's not stabilized or done seeking a high, it doesn't sound like a good idea at all. He and the rehab can figure something out, that is both their job. If you remove yourself as an option, they'll have to seek alternate solutions.
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Old 07-09-2011, 11:54 AM
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By law, they can't just dump him in the streets. So, as Chino said, if you remove yourself as an option they will need to come up with something else.

You forget that YOU have options, too. YOU have a choice when it comes to having him in your home. Even if he returns to your home state, you STILL have choices. Check into sober living homes in your area.
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Old 07-09-2011, 12:52 PM
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I need some clarification, if he is 22, an adult, why are you responsibile for paying for a halfway house? Also, why do you need to fly there and pick him up?

He can go to a salvation army program and it is free. The local one here is a four to six month program, yes, they do require that one gets a job or works inside the facility.

Thanks for the update.
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Old 07-11-2011, 07:51 PM
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Yes he is 22 but he's also a student and has no money. I don't need to fly there, I was planning on going down there regardless of whether he was coming home or not. In my first post I was wondering if this place was doing anything for him at all or if they just wanted the insurance money. Well he actually overheard them talking right in front of him about a business arrangement with one of the halfway houses. To me that's doing what's in his best interest, it's what's going to make them more money. I know this will be difficult but I'm also not willing to walk away from him right now. He came to me for help and as long as I see that he is trying I won't turn my back on him. I talked to him for a long time on Sat. and he said that it was his choice not to go to the halfway house after he heard them talking about them. I asked if his therapist had said anything to him and he said no. I'm suspect about this place again now. I'm just going to take it one day at a time. There isn't much more I can do but pray that this is really what he wants to do and that he's going to put everything he has into it.
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Old 07-11-2011, 08:23 PM
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Originally Posted by Asharin View Post
Well he actually overheard them talking right in front of him about a business arrangement with one of the halfway houses.
I wonder if this is in the addict handbook. My daughter, back when, said the same thing. She used it to convince me to allow her to come back home instead of going into a sober living enviornment.

She relapsed the day she returned home.

Your son may relapse or not. Absolutely nothing you say or do can prevent or cause this. The rest of his life is his responsibility.
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Old 07-12-2011, 04:49 AM
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Ok, thank you for the reply. My exabf used some of the same lines to get back in the house. Try and keep in mind that addicts lie and are very good at manipulation.

Sincerely hope this all works out ok for you.
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Old 07-12-2011, 06:27 AM
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Asharin: You are going to do this even though you have yet to get confirmation that it is a good idea.

Your recovery is a journey just like it has been for all of us who have posted here. Please remember that no matter what you are welcome to keep coming back here for reading and posting. Also, it is very important for you to find and go to face-to-face meetings of Alanon and/or Naranon (many of us do both). This will not only help you but it will also help your son.

Again, welcome to the world of recovery!!

BTW, what your son is doing right now is called fragmenting - that is, he talks to you and you believe him instead of checking it out with the other people in the story (in this case, the people at the treatment center). I'll bet that when you think about it, for a long time he has been telling you this and that about his woes and you have not (or could not) confirmed the story with anyone else involved yet you believed him. It is an across-the-board behavior coming from the addicted brain. Those of us who have taken a front-row seat to someone's addiction have come to believe (by trial and error) that it is true when they say, "How can you tell if an addict is lying? His lips are moving!"
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Old 07-12-2011, 07:33 PM
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I do know that addicts lie, but I also know that im not going to walk away from him at this point. He did want to go to a halfway house but I don't have the money and he doesn't have the money so it's not going to happen at this point from the facility that he's in. I'm not believing everything he says, and I'm not living in some dream world that this is going to be easy. I realize that you have all experienced this first hand and I'm new to this. However, every situation is different. I know I cannot stop him from doing anything but again he did come to me for help so I'm going to at the very least see where this goes. I realize that you are all trying to help but I feel like I'm being attacked every time I post something. I really don't feel as though there is any story to check out there. As soon as I told his therapist I didn't have the money for the deposit he changed his tune and said well then he's coming home. As long as my insurance is paying them he was welcome to stay. After that they would've put him on a plane anyway. There are people who stay clean so it can be done. You may have all given up on your loved ones but this is still new to me and I'm just not there yet. I have not stopped living my own life and I don't plan on it.
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Old 07-12-2011, 07:52 PM
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Asharin, I am so sorry you feel you are being attacked. I know that sometimes I am guilty of being overly passionate about something based on my experiences, and that could very well be misinterpreted as an attack.

I hope you continue to post. Gentle hugs from Kansas!
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Old 07-12-2011, 08:27 PM
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Originally Posted by Asharin View Post
I do know that addicts lie, but I also know that im not going to walk away from him at this point. He did want to go to a halfway house but I don't have the money and he doesn't have the money so it's not going to happen at this point from the facility that he's in. I'm not believing everything he says, and I'm not living in some dream world that this is going to be easy. I realize that you have all experienced this first hand and I'm new to this. However, every situation is different. I know I cannot stop him from doing anything but again he did come to me for help so I'm going to at the very least see where this goes. I realize that you are all trying to help but I feel like I'm being attacked every time I post something. I really don't feel as though there is any story to check out there. As soon as I told his therapist I didn't have the money for the deposit he changed his tune and said well then he's coming home. As long as my insurance is paying them he was welcome to stay. After that they would've put him on a plane anyway. There are people who stay clean so it can be done. You may have all given up on your loved ones but this is still new to me and I'm just not there yet. I have not stopped living my own life and I don't plan on it.
Asharin,

I understand how you feel. Every situation is different, each person is different. you have to make the choices that you feel are right. My heart hurts for you, for I know that this is a tough situation.
I encourage you to find out if there is an al-anon/nar-anon meeting close to you. It is a good support, and you will most likely need it, for this situation will probably get tougher yet.
This is a great place, and I know how it was when i first came and shared my story. some were tough on me, and I felt hurt, cause i needed some support, not pushing and shaming. A lot of people here have been where you are, and they have a lot of experience dealing with addicts/alcoholics. For the most part, the tough sharing is meant in good will, to help. it is not easy to hear some of the viewpoints. But you will find many here who will give you support and understanding. And we will be here when you need to talk. You are facing a major event, and I wish you well.
Perhaps there is a place near by, that does not charge . there are such places. tho there is usually a waiting list. call salvation army, they have a lot of programs. free ones. I dont trust every group out there, and i think that a lot of places are money makers.

I hope that he gets his life together. I have learned that the best teacher for him is suffering the consequences of his behaviors. Not making things easy for him, not letting him tell you things that may not be accurate. Be strong, and stilck around. read the stickies here, on enabling, on addiction and recovery. there is much here that is helpful. he has to be the one to want to be well. you cant guide him into it. so, my thoughts are with you, and as i said, we are here for you.
hugs.
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