Jaguar55

There is so much that makes no sense to me. Why does my ABF (ex BF or whatever he is at the moment) hate on me? He finds something to hate about me every day. He is ALWAYS angry at me about something. No matter how hard I try he finds some reason to be furious with me and his anger is outrageously out of proportion to whatever I did. If he can't find a reason to be angry he will attempt to create a situation. And always I am told how I brought it on myself and if only I had...... The fervor with which he hates and rages at me is astonishing. The fact that he apparently believes I actually deserve it is even more astonishing. I am to blame for EVERYTHING. We've been "together" for going on eight years. He says I make him hate me. I tell him hate is a choice, a path that he chooses. He's now angry with me for how I dealt with him being angry with me for when he was angry with me for how I dealt with him being angry with me when he was angry with me for how I............ This goes back for more than two years! The original thing he was upset with me about was more than TWO YEARS ago!

I know the blame shifting is part of the addiction. What's with the rage and hatred? How does that fit in? He has so demonized me that I'm no longer a human in his eyes. Of course he blames me for that too. According to him I have brought all this pain and anguish on myself. His primary issue is that I won't "shut the **** up". This is apparently punishable to the extreme. Now he just wants me to "go away" and I'm working on doing just that. You'd never guess we've been together for so many years or that he supposedly loved me so much. He acts like I'm a piece of excrement crusted toilet paper that got stuck to his shoe.

I JUST CAN'T GET OVER how he ardently believes I DESERVE all the pain and loss I'm experiencing, the verbal abuse, the hatred. What does hating me so much do for him, the alcoholic? I think he's actually addicted to hating me!

Jaguar55

I'm busy reading through the threads on abuse and trying to give myself a reality check. Why did I have to fall in love with an abusive alcoholic? What utterly ****** luck. No body deserves something like this to happen to them. I know, life isn't fair......

BackToSquareOne

Jaguar55, life is much too short to waste it in such a relationship. You can't just "change" the essence of a man. From what you describe a complete overhaul would be required and I doubt that's possible. I'd dump him and move on.

Eight Ball

Abusive and alcoholic - two separate entities. He is not abusive because he is an alcoholic - he is abusive full stop. You have two HUGE toxic behaviors to deal with. I would recommend 'Why Does He Do That - Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men' by Lundy Bancroft. Its extremely insightful and if you start recognising your BF in the pages, then it will help you make sense of what you are going through and hopefully lead you down the path of healing yourself and walking away!

I am just coming to terms with the end of my marriage to a verbally abusive alcoholic. For 23 yrs I blamed the abuse on his drinking and remained in a toxic marriage thinking everything would be ok because for 75% of the time, we were happy and had a relative 'normal life'. Following 18 months of therapy, visits to SR, Al-anon and reading plenty of books I have come to the decision that I am an extremely important person and my health is extremely important to me and I cant understand how I ever put up with an 75% marriage as I deserve so much better.

You deserve better too. Keep reading the threads and educate yourself on Abusive and alcoholism. Its an extremely toxic mix for a relationship. I left 4 weeks ago, I still love my husband despite everything he has put me though, but I now love me more. No contact is working for me.

look up 'fear of abandonment' too. Thats what kept me stuck or going back for more.

simplyfab

I can only speak for myself and why I did some of the things (not to that extent) you described, like blaming him for MY unhappiness and reason for drinking. I did it because as long as I was blaming him, it gave me (in my alcoholic brain) validation to continue drinking.
If everything was his fault, then it wasn't mine and my hands were clean of it. Almost like I had a right to drink.
Other times it was put downs and those were because I was unhappy with myself, and like a bully, point out their faults to make me feel better.
Sometimes not even faults. Sometimes pulling something out of my a** just for the sake of talking crap.
These incidents happened when he'd confront me about my drinking. It wasn't about everyday little things, and I did it for the reasons I described and as a defense mechanism. (not that that's a valid reason to do so)

What you've described sounds like he's just a bully, period.
And just like BTSO said, "you can't change the essence of a man".
Hearing you describe how he feels about you, treats you and speaks to you everyday, all day, is hard to read. Its abuse and you should get out as soon as you can. Sooner rather than later.
Did I read this right? "This is apparently punishable to the extreme"
I'm sorry if I'm about to sound naive here, but has he already gotten physical with you?
Either way, even if he hasn't, it sounds like he's about one drink away from doing so.
I hope you get out of that situation soon and know that you deserve a happy and healthy life.

Seren

Hello jaguar,

You do not deserve abuse of any kind. I hope that you will believe that.

Hugs, HG

dollydo

I believe at the core of his abuse towards you is....his self hatred....he hates himself and you are just a convenient target.

With that said, he is not going to stop, he knows that you will take the abuse and that adds more fuel to the fire. Until you, youself, have had enough and reach your bottom nothing will change.

I am glad that you have come here, keep reading around and posting.

transformyself

I went through this too until I snapped out of it and started respecting myself-and demanding AH did too.

Actually, no I did not demand AH respect me because that's not possible. I cannot make anyone respect me. All i can do is choose who I spend my time with, who I spend my energy on in building a relationship, whether it's professional or personal.

So the real turning point for me was when I finally gave up on trying to figure out why AH behaved the way he does and started turning my time and energy towards myself. figuring out why I do the things I do and how to make my life better.

It's hard work, but it really pays off.

Welcome!

TeM

Just an observation, garnered from several busted relationships; it's amazing that we often find ourselves absolutely hating someone for whom we had great affection only a short time before. The love of your life morphs into your mortal enemy.

I suppose it's one of those foibles of human psychology, a defense mechanism of some sort. It's always troubling, no matter how many times we experience it.

FreeingMyself

My stbxah and your bf must be the same person!! I know exactly where you are coming from, and I have tried SO hard to understand. The only thing I can say that helped me was that it is IMPOSSIBLE to try to understand such irrational behavior! I am still working on trying to focus on how I got myself into this relationship and how I can get myself out. He is going to do what he does, and as long as I allow him to do it...it continues. The only thing I have found that works for me is getting away from him/it. I knw how much this type of behavior hurts....take care and hugs to you!

Sylvie66

That sounds so maddeningly frustrating! My A(BF) met me on Tuesday morning with 'What is wrong with you?' after he essentially said we were over on Sunday afternoon. I deleted all the other phone calls from Tuesday, but one from last night : 'I still don't know what your problem is, but I suppose you have your reasons.'

And he is not a vicious abuser - just a regular confused scared jerk. I'm practicing withdrawing from the Drama, without explanation. I figure the only time I need to talk to him now is to let him know when I'll need the car (I moved out almost 3 months ago). After I talk to a therapist, I might be able to talk to him. But not if I'm met with 'What is wrong with you?!'

You are a valuable person in your own right - and you can choose how to interact with someone who talks to you like he does. If he were some guy on the bus, what would you do? Get off the bus, girl!

- Sylvie

blueblooms14

And I dated him too! (Although he looked different the three times I dated him) :-D

I agree to read, "Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft
and another book that was extremely helpful to me was
"Controlling People" by Patricia Evans.

My most recent XABF (chagrin) used to watch FoxNews simply to get pissed off and then he would start picking and saying provocative things. If I didn't fight, he would get more enraged and push harder and harder. It had nothing to do with alcohol- he did it drunk or sober.

Patty Evans also coined the term "verbal abuse"- some attribute it to her. She says that in her experience verbally abusive men can change. (She also says that verbally abusive women are much harder to change and that she has never seen it. Isn't that interesting?) She has a book about how that can be done. But, to me, investing in that "what if" or "if I can only get him to go down that road, make him really see" is the danger of codependence. Poof, our lives disappear in the morass of trying to change someone (at least for me, since I go down the rabbit hole when I get enmeshed in someone else's changing). And add verbal abuse to alcoholism? Might as well set out to build a pyramid.

Panther

Jaguar,

Alcohol does MAJOR damage to someone's brain. That includes the emotional and rational parts of the brain. You have to remember that he is very sick. But that does NOT mean you should tolerate the abuse. Abuse even by an out of control sick person is still damaging. If you live with him you should find some where else to live. If not, you should limit your contact with him. You should only be around him when he is calm.

Don't try to psycho-analyze him. Believe me, I tried it and it only lead to frustration. You will not be able to understand his actions or behavior.

Panther

This is what an alcoholic brain looks like.

Freedom1990

Indeed! Self-hatred misdirected at an easy target is common with active addicts. As long as he's abusive and angry towards you, he doesn't have to look at himself.

I hope you realize you deserve so much better. Abuse whittles away at us a little bit at a time. It's ugly.

Sending you lots of hugs from Kansas!

jamaicamecrazy

So many good responses. My AH was the most loving man ever. Then he changed. I think the alcohol made him change. He never had abuse issues in the past. The last time I saw him he did all the classic things abusive partners do. Belittled my emotions, threatened to hit me, told me to shut up, yelled and cursed at me, brought up all the reasons why he hates me. It was like I needed to see that from a different perspective to understand how sick he is and how I don't want that in my life. I think he is so unhappy in his life- the life he is creating for himself, and still needs to blame me for all of it. Otherwise he might have to look inward and address why his life is spiraling out of control. Control is a big thing for him right now. "Don't tell me what to do!" He thinks he has control over the alcohol and he wants to have control over other parts of his life. So he is exerting his control whenever he can. He is not ready to admit just how powerless he is over alcohol.

skippernlilg

I know it's hard when you've been with someone so long. "just dump him" words did not work for me. If he is physically abusive, please immediately contact domestic abuse hotline: 800.799.SAFE

Your safety comes first and foremost. Once you're in a safe place, you will be able to see clearly what steps you may take to heal yourself from physical and emotional wounds.

If it's verbal and emotional abuse in addition to physical abuse, or instead of (for now), your safety, once again, is of the highest priority. It's important for you to be in a place where you are not within earshot of abusive untruths. The damage sustained by hearing these things in a formerly loving relationship can last for years to come.

Once you are in a safe place, it is (not easy but) easier to have some clarity. You will be able to see more clearly what kinds of boundaries are comfortable for you.

It helped me tremendously to try out different thoughts and ideas here on SR, within my regular Al-anon meetings, and to pore through some recommended reading materials to come up with boundaries that are working for me. I'm allowed to develop those boundaries and to shape them into my own goals of self-respect and spirituality as I see fit.

I hope this helps.

You know it doesn't feel right to be abused, and that is a good first step in finding yourself not being abused anymore.

Serenity8

This was my exh, he was so full of hate and anger towards me. Sometimes I think it was separate from his addiction and sometimes I think he would cause the anger/fights to justify getting high. We've been divorced for 2 years now and I don't miss him!! We do share 2 young kids who he sees every other weekend and they are starting to say they don't want to see him (well, my older one, who is 9 years old, is saying this). I feel for them, because he really is just miserable.

No one deserves that, please know that.

MeredithD1

I've seen that horror movie, too. It's living a nightmare IMHO. Your life is worth so much more than that. It took me a while to extracate myself from my XAH. I wouldn't wish the experience on anyone. There is no reasoning with someone who's on the attack vector like that. They want their piece of you; you're their prey.

No amount of figuring out "WHY" he is hateful will STOP him from being hateful. It's tough for a "Fixer" (which I've been prior to Al-Anon) to just let that go and realize there is nothing to be done. Getting out of the way is your best bet.

Tuffgirl

Everyone here is spot on - I have nothing to add except I've been there and I hear you - it sucks. But these folks here are right...it has NOTHING to do with you and your actions and everything to do with what's going on inside him. Don't take it personally. It's his issue.

Hang in there!
~T