I'm new... please help me... I have no one to talk to...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: New England
Posts: 7
I'm new... please help me... I have no one to talk to...
So I have been with my boyfriend for a year and a half. Things started off wonderfully, he was funny, sweet, romantic, and considerate. He was very open and honest about his past using illegal drugs as a substitute for pain management. When we started dating he told me he had been clean for about 9 years. His pain and addiction were being treated/controlled with methodone. Though it was difficult to accept at first (I was very prejudiced), I came to terms with his past, accepted it as part of the road that led him to me. About 6 months ago he began to change, he was unmotivated, withdrawn, etc. Never cruel or violent, never physically hurt me or emotionally abused me. I attributed his change in behavior to loss of his job (stupid, evil economy) and the changing of the seasons (fall to winter). However, even as we found him a new job his personality did not return to the man I fell in love with... well come to find out, he self-diagnosed himself with depression/anxiety and has been buying prescription meds off the streets... I am reeling... his family and I have had quite a scare, and it been about a week since we found out... he claims to be still suffering from withdrawals and doesn't want to talk, though he has expressed a commitment to treatment, inpatient or out, depending on where he can get in without insurance.
My trouble is... where do I go from here... I wonder if the man I love is still locked in there, or was he simply an addict's manipulation? I don't want to spend the rest of my life checking the odometer of his car to make sure he didn't go buy drugs on his way home from work. I don't want to have to lie to all the other parents at parent night "Oh, he's away on business" when he's really back in rehab... I accept that this is a disease, and it is treatable... but I know this will be a life long battle.... I don't know what to say or do or where to be... there is no one I can talk to? I am looking for the realities here... successes and failures... should I stay or should I go? I know there is no cure... I accept that... but what are the odds of him/us living a semi-normal life? He says is wants to change, that he hates himself for what he has done... do I believe him? I don't want to write him off, I believe that everyone (well 99% of people) deserve to be loved... I know I will need to be strong.... If I choose to move forward what do I do? I am in uncharted waters and could use some guidance... Give me the good, the bad, and the ugly... I want to go into this with both eyes open. The sooner the better, because I am climbing the walls.
My trouble is... where do I go from here... I wonder if the man I love is still locked in there, or was he simply an addict's manipulation? I don't want to spend the rest of my life checking the odometer of his car to make sure he didn't go buy drugs on his way home from work. I don't want to have to lie to all the other parents at parent night "Oh, he's away on business" when he's really back in rehab... I accept that this is a disease, and it is treatable... but I know this will be a life long battle.... I don't know what to say or do or where to be... there is no one I can talk to? I am looking for the realities here... successes and failures... should I stay or should I go? I know there is no cure... I accept that... but what are the odds of him/us living a semi-normal life? He says is wants to change, that he hates himself for what he has done... do I believe him? I don't want to write him off, I believe that everyone (well 99% of people) deserve to be loved... I know I will need to be strong.... If I choose to move forward what do I do? I am in uncharted waters and could use some guidance... Give me the good, the bad, and the ugly... I want to go into this with both eyes open. The sooner the better, because I am climbing the walls.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: twilight zone,usa
Posts: 3,909
staying with him or not is your choice. the road with an addict is really hard. they say they want to change but it takes a miracle for them to quit the drugs. if he really wants to get clean he will find a way. he will find the rehab & he will go in. it is his problem let him solve it. you do not believe anything an addict tells u. they will lie, cheat & steal for the drug. take care of yourself & keep coming back. we care!!!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
Welcome to SR, though sorry for what brought you here. (((Hope))) is right..no one can tell you whether to let him go or not. That has to be your decision, and I couldn't make it until my heart, head, and gut had had enough.
FWIW, I'm an RA (recovering addict) and a codie (codependent) with several loved ones who are A's (addicts/alcoholics). When I first found SR, I lurked for about a year, but I read post after post after post of what others have been or are going through.
Not only did I find out I am far from alone, but I saw so many similarities, and got to where I'd had enough, so I used some of their experience to work my way out of my last relationship (3rd addict bf).
Can addicts stay in recovery? Absolutely, as long as they hold that as a top priority. Can you tell if they feel that way? Nope. It's best to pay attention to their actions. We A's can talk a good talk, but often it's just telling you what you want to hear. Action speaks volumes louder.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
FWIW, I'm an RA (recovering addict) and a codie (codependent) with several loved ones who are A's (addicts/alcoholics). When I first found SR, I lurked for about a year, but I read post after post after post of what others have been or are going through.
Not only did I find out I am far from alone, but I saw so many similarities, and got to where I'd had enough, so I used some of their experience to work my way out of my last relationship (3rd addict bf).
Can addicts stay in recovery? Absolutely, as long as they hold that as a top priority. Can you tell if they feel that way? Nope. It's best to pay attention to their actions. We A's can talk a good talk, but often it's just telling you what you want to hear. Action speaks volumes louder.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: New England
Posts: 7
I know it will vary from person to person... but does this work out (more often than a Cinderella percentage)? If I choose to proceed I am planning to lay down conditions... one of the conditions will be no alcohol ever again... but does that mean 1 beer on the fourth of July and I chuck him? Do people like this ever return to their "normal" selves or will they spend the rest of their lives tortured by their demons? I don't want to be with someone suffering... Hope213, you said HE has to find a program... his folks found one and he says he wants to go... but should we have made him do all the leg work??? (we've been in crisis mode and he's been so sick we've been trying to get him help as fast as possible calling everywhere we could think of within a 400-mile radius, we live in one of the worst states for mental health support by the way)... Is his expression of wanting help enough? I'm worried that if we don't get him in soon, he will stop being scared and change his mind... What is the thought process behind an addict wanting to recover? Do they need to find something that makes their life worth living (NO, I am not planning on getting myself pregnant)? Do they just need to feel sorry enough for what they have done? Does it have to be a family member saying "I love you, but if you continue to do this to yourself and to us, you're gone until you come back clean?" I know I can't make him want it... I wish I could. I feel so helpless and confused all the time... sometimes I am angry for the lying and abuse of trust, sometimes I am happy that he's still alive and its out in the open, mostly I am just sad. His folks are being very supportive of me... they say it is all entirely my decision to stay or go... no hard feelings either way. All he has are his parents and me... he lost all his old friends when he got clean the first time... and as a coping mechanism became an introvert to avoid temptation... What does he need of me (I understand that I need to look out for myself as well)... Those of you who have been "through the looking glass:" What did you need from your SO at that point? I am sorry for the long confused reply and all the questions... I have never felt so lost or adrift in my whole life... I am usually very together, organized and methodical... but this is SO far out of my league...
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 13,497
Hope,
Hello and welcome to SR. I am sorry that life has brought you here, but it is a terrific place to learn about addiction and about self care. you can learn how to take care of yourself, and about letting go of the reins of your loved ones recovery.
What I have learned from here is that we cannot control what the sick one wants. We cant cure them. and we did not cause it.
I surely understand your feeling lost. Dealing with an addict\alcoholic will surely be confusing business. it is hard to keep from trying to fix what we think we can , in their lives.
you will find many recovering A's/addicts here, and most of them have attested to the fact that they had to want to get better. and it was because they were miserable, and wanted to feel better. It seems rare that one is influenced by a loved ones words, or promises, or enabling actions (fixing their problems).
your boyfriend is able to know how he feels, right? he knows that you all love him, and that you will help him if he wants help, right? i know that i have often thought that my son is helpless, and unable to ask for help. but i dont believe that anymore. perhaps he wont want help if most of the consequences of his actions are cushioned. so, i have to step back, and let him fall. it is hard. it seems wrong not to help. but what is help, anyway? is it as the old saying implies, teach him to fish, instead of giving him a fish a day?
I know it is frightening. but you dont have to decide anything today. you can stand back a bit, let him do some of the work, and see if he is really sincere. If you want guarantees that he will live a healthy life without relapse, or incident, then please read the stickies here, talk to other recovering a's/addicts. there are no guarantees. but, you can take care of yourself, and if that means stepping back a bit from the situation, then dont feel badly about that. if he wants to recover, he will do it with or without you. perhaps if he sees what happens to his relationships when he abuses his self, he may learn from that, and want to change that.
i wish you luck and your boyfriend too. it is ok if you want to stand back, and let him make his own mind up. you will know if he is sincere or not, by his actions.
sometimes i think we would be better off if we could plug our ears, and just watch the action- it speaks more truth than any words or promises.
my best to you,
chicory
Hello and welcome to SR. I am sorry that life has brought you here, but it is a terrific place to learn about addiction and about self care. you can learn how to take care of yourself, and about letting go of the reins of your loved ones recovery.
What I have learned from here is that we cannot control what the sick one wants. We cant cure them. and we did not cause it.
I surely understand your feeling lost. Dealing with an addict\alcoholic will surely be confusing business. it is hard to keep from trying to fix what we think we can , in their lives.
you will find many recovering A's/addicts here, and most of them have attested to the fact that they had to want to get better. and it was because they were miserable, and wanted to feel better. It seems rare that one is influenced by a loved ones words, or promises, or enabling actions (fixing their problems).
your boyfriend is able to know how he feels, right? he knows that you all love him, and that you will help him if he wants help, right? i know that i have often thought that my son is helpless, and unable to ask for help. but i dont believe that anymore. perhaps he wont want help if most of the consequences of his actions are cushioned. so, i have to step back, and let him fall. it is hard. it seems wrong not to help. but what is help, anyway? is it as the old saying implies, teach him to fish, instead of giving him a fish a day?
I know it is frightening. but you dont have to decide anything today. you can stand back a bit, let him do some of the work, and see if he is really sincere. If you want guarantees that he will live a healthy life without relapse, or incident, then please read the stickies here, talk to other recovering a's/addicts. there are no guarantees. but, you can take care of yourself, and if that means stepping back a bit from the situation, then dont feel badly about that. if he wants to recover, he will do it with or without you. perhaps if he sees what happens to his relationships when he abuses his self, he may learn from that, and want to change that.
i wish you luck and your boyfriend too. it is ok if you want to stand back, and let him make his own mind up. you will know if he is sincere or not, by his actions.
sometimes i think we would be better off if we could plug our ears, and just watch the action- it speaks more truth than any words or promises.
my best to you,
chicory
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Welcome to SR.....we've all felt the scared helpless anxious feeling that you are currently experiencing. It can get better.
I don't want to paint a rosie picture here. There is nothing rosie about loving an addict BUT there is something that I am very grateful for regarding addiction. I will never ever ever be grateful for the addiction itself but I am eternally grateful that it brought me to a point where I found Naranon and Alanon. These programs are helping me to unravel lifelong issues with myself. Many of which have nothing at all to do with addiction.
Regardless of whether your boyfriend elects to seek treatment, you can seek help for yourself. Addiction (as you are learning) doesn't just affect the addict. It affects everyone who loves them. When we get help and begin to understand our own behavior, we interact with the addict in a healthier manner. Naranon/Alanon meetings help me do that.
I am working the program that I wish the addict in my life would work. He is still using but I am ok. In fact, in many ways, I'm doing better than I have in my entire life. My attitude is better. My thought processes are healthier. My mind is clearer. I'm taking care of me. And it feels really really good.
So....to answer your questions.....can things work out with an addict? Sure. But you cannot control the addict and you cannot control his addiction. You can only control yourself and your reactions/interactions. Maintaining a healthy perspective is difficult when dealing with active addiction. We can become as sick (or sicker) than the addict.
In Naranon, we are able to find serenity whether the addict is using or not.
Stick around. Read. Educate yourself about addiction and codependency. Then you'll be better prepared to make a clear headed decision on whether to stay or go.
I'm glad you found us. You are not alone.
gentle hugs
ke
I don't want to paint a rosie picture here. There is nothing rosie about loving an addict BUT there is something that I am very grateful for regarding addiction. I will never ever ever be grateful for the addiction itself but I am eternally grateful that it brought me to a point where I found Naranon and Alanon. These programs are helping me to unravel lifelong issues with myself. Many of which have nothing at all to do with addiction.
Regardless of whether your boyfriend elects to seek treatment, you can seek help for yourself. Addiction (as you are learning) doesn't just affect the addict. It affects everyone who loves them. When we get help and begin to understand our own behavior, we interact with the addict in a healthier manner. Naranon/Alanon meetings help me do that.
I am working the program that I wish the addict in my life would work. He is still using but I am ok. In fact, in many ways, I'm doing better than I have in my entire life. My attitude is better. My thought processes are healthier. My mind is clearer. I'm taking care of me. And it feels really really good.
So....to answer your questions.....can things work out with an addict? Sure. But you cannot control the addict and you cannot control his addiction. You can only control yourself and your reactions/interactions. Maintaining a healthy perspective is difficult when dealing with active addiction. We can become as sick (or sicker) than the addict.
In Naranon, we are able to find serenity whether the addict is using or not.
Stick around. Read. Educate yourself about addiction and codependency. Then you'll be better prepared to make a clear headed decision on whether to stay or go.
I'm glad you found us. You are not alone.
gentle hugs
ke
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
I believe that anything is possible with a strong recovery program, and a burning desire to stay clean for life.
I also believe that it is a lifelong battle, one that has many caveats and setbacks. This recovery thing is not written in black and white, there are many grey areas that continually have to be addressed.
Even if he finds recovery, that is not going to change the core of who he is. If he is immature, he will continue to be immature, if he is a lier, he will continue to lie, if he is lazy, he will continue to be lazy and so on.
I cannot tell you what to do, however, I would look deep into myself and decide exactly what I want out of life and whether living with an addict fits into the scheme of things....as he will always be an addict, it will just be a matter of whether he is currently using or not.
I would also suggest that you read Codependent No More and start attending Alanon meetings, helped me, might help you.
Take care,
I also believe that it is a lifelong battle, one that has many caveats and setbacks. This recovery thing is not written in black and white, there are many grey areas that continually have to be addressed.
Even if he finds recovery, that is not going to change the core of who he is. If he is immature, he will continue to be immature, if he is a lier, he will continue to lie, if he is lazy, he will continue to be lazy and so on.
I cannot tell you what to do, however, I would look deep into myself and decide exactly what I want out of life and whether living with an addict fits into the scheme of things....as he will always be an addict, it will just be a matter of whether he is currently using or not.
I would also suggest that you read Codependent No More and start attending Alanon meetings, helped me, might help you.
Take care,
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 273
Welcome.
Please take time to read, read, read!
There are so many people here with experiences to share.
My responses are in bold below your questions. They are just MY opinions of what I would do.
best of luck
keep coming back
Please take time to read, read, read!
There are so many people here with experiences to share.
My responses are in bold below your questions. They are just MY opinions of what I would do.
Originally Posted by Hopeisallihave 
If I choose to proceed I am planning to lay down conditions... one of the conditions will be no alcohol ever again... but does that mean 1 beer on the fourth of July and I chuck him?
For Me yes, I would have to "chuck him" if that was my boundary otherwise my boundaries are meaningless.
Do people like this ever return to their "normal" selves or will they spend the rest of their lives tortured by their demons?
It is different for different people.
. but should we have made him do all the leg work???
In my opinion yes, he should be doing the leg work. In my life when I am really serious about something I do all the leg work.
. What is the thought process behind an addict wanting to recover?
Again it is different for different people.
Those of you who have been "through the looking glass:" What did you need from your SO at that point?
More than he was ever capable of giving, and when I thought about it, that wasn't really very much.
For Me yes, I would have to "chuck him" if that was my boundary otherwise my boundaries are meaningless.
Do people like this ever return to their "normal" selves or will they spend the rest of their lives tortured by their demons?
It is different for different people.
. but should we have made him do all the leg work???
In my opinion yes, he should be doing the leg work. In my life when I am really serious about something I do all the leg work.
. What is the thought process behind an addict wanting to recover?
Again it is different for different people.
Those of you who have been "through the looking glass:" What did you need from your SO at that point?
More than he was ever capable of giving, and when I thought about it, that wasn't really very much.
keep coming back
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 59
Hope - I'm sorry you are going through this, I have experienced a similar situation a little over 1 month ago.
Listen to the other members, read as many threads as you can. You may not completely feel or really understand what there saying immediately, but once you start working on you and really understanding addiction, you will realize all of the truth from the members here.
Immediately after the fallout I reached out for help - I have been attending group counseling (similar to Naranon) and one on one counseling in a local substance abuse center, reading, and researching. Hopefully what I've learned in this short time will help:
"I wonder if the man I love is still locked in there, or was he simply an addict's manipulation?" - Sure he's still somewhere in there but he's not there right now. (the hardest thing to really absorb IMO) You can't be that person to bring him back, he has to want it.
"I don't want to spend the rest of my life checking the odometer of his car to make sure he didn't go buy drugs on his way home from work." "I accept that this is a disease, and it is treatable... but I know this will be a life long battle...." - Your decision whether to stay or go is up to you. Just know, that no matter how much you control - lock money down - make things inconvenient for him. He will find a way to use if he really wants to. So you probably will be checking the odometer. You have to work on you, find out who you want to be and how you want to live, and really mean it. Then everything will slide into place.
"He says is wants to change, that he hates himself for what he has done... do I believe him?" -- He probably does want to change and hates himself for doing this to you too, I know my AH does. But is he really there and ready for change? You will have to see. Its not a matter of ultimatums or conditions you set for him or how much he loves you (I'm sure he does). You cannot control this outcome -- you can, however, control your own recovery.
In a whole, life will go the way it needs to go, he will do what he needs to do - or not, but you need to get you to a healthy place (together or not) where his actions don't make or break your day. Sorry for being all over the place
I wish you peace. I know all the feelings you're going through right now. I'm finding my peace and life is starting to look up!
Listen to the other members, read as many threads as you can. You may not completely feel or really understand what there saying immediately, but once you start working on you and really understanding addiction, you will realize all of the truth from the members here.
Immediately after the fallout I reached out for help - I have been attending group counseling (similar to Naranon) and one on one counseling in a local substance abuse center, reading, and researching. Hopefully what I've learned in this short time will help:
"I wonder if the man I love is still locked in there, or was he simply an addict's manipulation?" - Sure he's still somewhere in there but he's not there right now. (the hardest thing to really absorb IMO) You can't be that person to bring him back, he has to want it.
"I don't want to spend the rest of my life checking the odometer of his car to make sure he didn't go buy drugs on his way home from work." "I accept that this is a disease, and it is treatable... but I know this will be a life long battle...." - Your decision whether to stay or go is up to you. Just know, that no matter how much you control - lock money down - make things inconvenient for him. He will find a way to use if he really wants to. So you probably will be checking the odometer. You have to work on you, find out who you want to be and how you want to live, and really mean it. Then everything will slide into place.
"He says is wants to change, that he hates himself for what he has done... do I believe him?" -- He probably does want to change and hates himself for doing this to you too, I know my AH does. But is he really there and ready for change? You will have to see. Its not a matter of ultimatums or conditions you set for him or how much he loves you (I'm sure he does). You cannot control this outcome -- you can, however, control your own recovery.
In a whole, life will go the way it needs to go, he will do what he needs to do - or not, but you need to get you to a healthy place (together or not) where his actions don't make or break your day. Sorry for being all over the place
I wish you peace. I know all the feelings you're going through right now. I'm finding my peace and life is starting to look up!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: New England
Posts: 7
Thank you all for all your thoughts and kind words, and information... the trouble is... the more I read, the more hopeless I become... From what I am reading... this is only the beginning of a long line of these events... I have not found one story of someone who gets clean on the first or second shot.... I don't have a lot of faith or belief in a higher power so something like Alanon or Naranon is not for me... not to mention, I need to keep this a secret from my family, friends, and new job (I would like to believe that the "Anon" bit works... but I am too cynical for that).
Now my only hope point is... he was never using drugs for recreation (or so it seems) what he has been using lately has been his attempt to fix a problem he believes he has... as far as I know you can't get "high" off zoloft. Maybe you can... I could be completely naive... and that feeling just adds to the horror of this whole situation.
I'm angry, sad, and scared. My heart is breaking. I can't eat or sleep. I feel like I want to puke constantly. My parents are starting to see thought the story I told them and are close to forbidding me to see/talk to him or his parents (I am in my late 20's but am living at home for financial reasons, which pretty much makes them think they own me and can boss me around like I am 15). The extra stress and pressure from them is making this 10,000 times worse.
I confided in one friend about everything that is going on... and now I ever regret that. He is getting frustrated with me for not cutting and running. What I really need is to talk to my BF, but he's still not up for that... by all accounts he is still having withdrawals coming off the benzos (the doctors said up to two weeks) and does not feel up to talking. I am trying to be understanding, but I am starting to lose my mind.
In a perfect world, I would see him through recovery and then we can decide about our future... but I am not sure if I can spend the next 6-12 months in this state of mind. I am supposed to start a new job and move across the state at the end of August... (only 40 miles, it's a small state). We were supposed to go together, and I am beginning to accept that he won't be coming with me... but at the same time... I no longer have any desire to go (which I know is totally irrational). I am afraid that all this stress will render me unable to succeed. I am also afraid that the ghosts of what should have been will haunt me while I am there alone.
I am not a patient person... not even close... I know he needs time, I know he needs me... but I am not sure I am strong enough for this... I want the man I love, I want him to get better, and I want to move on with our lives. But that is not going to happen is it? I cannot move forward I cannot go back... I am stuck... and I am afraid it may kill me.
:o(
Now my only hope point is... he was never using drugs for recreation (or so it seems) what he has been using lately has been his attempt to fix a problem he believes he has... as far as I know you can't get "high" off zoloft. Maybe you can... I could be completely naive... and that feeling just adds to the horror of this whole situation.
I'm angry, sad, and scared. My heart is breaking. I can't eat or sleep. I feel like I want to puke constantly. My parents are starting to see thought the story I told them and are close to forbidding me to see/talk to him or his parents (I am in my late 20's but am living at home for financial reasons, which pretty much makes them think they own me and can boss me around like I am 15). The extra stress and pressure from them is making this 10,000 times worse.
I confided in one friend about everything that is going on... and now I ever regret that. He is getting frustrated with me for not cutting and running. What I really need is to talk to my BF, but he's still not up for that... by all accounts he is still having withdrawals coming off the benzos (the doctors said up to two weeks) and does not feel up to talking. I am trying to be understanding, but I am starting to lose my mind.
In a perfect world, I would see him through recovery and then we can decide about our future... but I am not sure if I can spend the next 6-12 months in this state of mind. I am supposed to start a new job and move across the state at the end of August... (only 40 miles, it's a small state). We were supposed to go together, and I am beginning to accept that he won't be coming with me... but at the same time... I no longer have any desire to go (which I know is totally irrational). I am afraid that all this stress will render me unable to succeed. I am also afraid that the ghosts of what should have been will haunt me while I am there alone.
I am not a patient person... not even close... I know he needs time, I know he needs me... but I am not sure I am strong enough for this... I want the man I love, I want him to get better, and I want to move on with our lives. But that is not going to happen is it? I cannot move forward I cannot go back... I am stuck... and I am afraid it may kill me.
:o(
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
Well, I found that being honest with family was a very important part of my recovery from codependency. I was honest with them and they were honest with me. No, I did not agree with everything they said, but, I must admit that they took the emotion out of the equation and were more right than wrong. And, I could have saved myself alot of heartache if I had listened to them.
I must add that addicts lie, they lie about how long they've use, they lie about what they have and are using, and how much they actually use. They all do this, it is done to protect their addiction.
As for meetings, for me, they were a wonderful source of support and education.
The new job? May be just what your relationship with him needs, time apart. I don't see what the hurry is to live together, you are young, there is plenty of time for that in the future, if he can stay clean and work a strong recovery program....lets say for a year or so!
Believe me, you won't die from this, if so, there wouldn't be one codie here to offer support, we survived and so can you!
Just my thoughts, keep posting, keep reading others posts, it will help.
I must add that addicts lie, they lie about how long they've use, they lie about what they have and are using, and how much they actually use. They all do this, it is done to protect their addiction.
As for meetings, for me, they were a wonderful source of support and education.
The new job? May be just what your relationship with him needs, time apart. I don't see what the hurry is to live together, you are young, there is plenty of time for that in the future, if he can stay clean and work a strong recovery program....lets say for a year or so!
Believe me, you won't die from this, if so, there wouldn't be one codie here to offer support, we survived and so can you!
Just my thoughts, keep posting, keep reading others posts, it will help.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 598
Originally Posted by Hopeisallihave
If I choose to proceed I am planning to lay down conditions... one of the conditions will be no alcohol ever again... but does that mean 1 beer on the fourth of July and I chuck him? Do people like this ever return to their "normal" selves or will they spend the rest of their lives tortured by their demons? I don't want to be with someone suffering... Hope213, you said HE has to find a program... his folks found one and he says he wants to go... but should we have made him do all the leg work??? (we've been in crisis mode and he's been so sick we've been trying to get him help as fast as possible calling everywhere we could think of within a 400-mile radius, we live in one of the worst states for mental health support by the way)... Is his expression of wanting help enough? I'm worried that if we don't get him in soon, he will stop being scared and change his mind... What is the thought process behind an addict wanting to recover? What does he need of me
My husband and I were helped in the fact the judge ordered rehab (or jail) for our son. Our son at that point in time did not do anything to help himself find a facility, but from what I've read that is not uncommon. It's not that our son didn't want to get help badly enough. I think he did. So my husband and I researched rehabs for him on-line and chose a place an hour and a half from where any of his friends lived. It's not that we purposefully looked for places that far away from his home, but in retrospect I'm glad it was far enough away that nobody visited him the entire time he was in rehab. Our son's counselor told us to not visit the first 30 days he was there if at all possible and that's what we did. Our son did express sadness that all the other A's had family/friends visiting and he didn't, but I think our not visiting was important. It gave him some time to think long and hard about his life and where he was headed.
Early in his rehab, my son said to me that he would never be able to use any kind of mind altering substance ever again. Where I could have one or two drinks and stop without any difficulty, he can't. He may drink 8 or 10 and then follow them up with cocaine. So, no, your boyfriend if he is truly recovered will not be able to have that one beer on the 4th of July.
My son in his rehab at this point in time (and I know time will tell the truth of this next statement) is a different young man than the one he was when he went into rehab. Those demons you mentioned are silent for the moment, but I'm sure they will raise their ugly heads soon enough.
My son said the answer to addiction is actually quite simple. It's found in helping others. As long as he comes out of rehab determined to work his recovery and help others, he will succeed. It is up to him. No one can do it for him. We're hoping for the best. We will have to be on guard in the future for any signs he's relasping, but we are hopeful he will be one of the fortunate ones who turns what the devil meant to destroy his life and others with and allows God to bring forth good.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: twilight zone,usa
Posts: 3,909
being honest & open about his drug use is part of recovery. you can not pretend or act like it does not exist. it does exist & it will not go away until HE decides to do something about it. i promise you there is life without the addict. a good life. it is up tio yu if you want to throw it all away for him. let go or get dragged....
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Posts: 1,691
Hi Hope....
I'm sorry for what you are going through. I agree with what everyone above me has said. If you have never been involved with an addict it is overwhelming at first as you learn what all that means.
When I started out with my husband I was overwhelmed with his attentiveness and charm. It was intoxicating. Our connection was so intense that I just knew that it was fate and destiny that had brought us together. I knew that together we could conquer the demon of addiction.
I was fortunate and ended up in Alanon/Naranon. Also, I was in counseling (individual and group), and had input from a relapse prevention counselor. I was told that the only way our relationship would work is if we both worked a strong recovery. The best thing that I did was work the recovery that I wished that he would. I've been at it for over 6 years now. My husband got sober 6 years ago but a recovery program just never "clicked" for him.
Although he has been sober, the attributes and characteristics that led him into addiction remain. The best way that I have to describe him is that he is a dry drunk. He chooses to tell the truth when it suits his purposes. He manipulates to get what he wants, and he is focused on himself.
And now he is alone because I left him the last of May. I hoped and prayed for a good outcome. I compromised almost all of my hopes and dreams to make it work with him. I began to settle for less and less. And I became more and more unhappy. I do believe that if he had really worked a recovery that we could have made our relationship work. But.....my strong recovery was not enough. We BOTH needed to do it. I'm sure that I stepped over the line at times trying to push him to work his program. No matter how badly I wanted him to do it in order for our relationship to survive I was unable to make it happen. Recovery is something a person has to chose and want for himself. He went to meetings and worked with a sponsor for about 18 months. And then it all dwindled away. Meetings were boring, AA/NA was a cult, "I don't have the urge to use anymore", "I don't need them to stay sober". He needed someone to help him learn to live sober though and the only person that he chose to listen to was himself....not a very good teacher.
So I guess what I am saying is that I do believe that it can work but only if BOTH people work a strong recovery. And the catch is, you both have to do it because it is what you want individually. And you have to stay out of each other's program. There are a lot of variables to it all and it really does take a lot of work. I can't even begin to count the hours that I have spent working with a sponsor, reading, going to meetings, etc. I'm glad for every minute of it though - and I needed it.
Each person has to decide what is best for them. There was nothing that was going to talk me out of trying....by the time I realized what I was into it was just too late. I didn't have the strength to set the boundaries that I needed to set and keep them. But...with the help of recovery I was able to grow and get stronger. I so wish that I had not put myself what I went through but I also understand how it happens.
No matter what you decide we will be here for you. Keep posting. I know it sounds discouraging but I think everyone is just trying to be realistic and share their own experiences. Life with an addict/recovery addict is tough and it is probably harder than anyone realizes it's going to be. I know that was the case for me.
Gentle hugs.
I'm sorry for what you are going through. I agree with what everyone above me has said. If you have never been involved with an addict it is overwhelming at first as you learn what all that means.
When I started out with my husband I was overwhelmed with his attentiveness and charm. It was intoxicating. Our connection was so intense that I just knew that it was fate and destiny that had brought us together. I knew that together we could conquer the demon of addiction.
I was fortunate and ended up in Alanon/Naranon. Also, I was in counseling (individual and group), and had input from a relapse prevention counselor. I was told that the only way our relationship would work is if we both worked a strong recovery. The best thing that I did was work the recovery that I wished that he would. I've been at it for over 6 years now. My husband got sober 6 years ago but a recovery program just never "clicked" for him.
Although he has been sober, the attributes and characteristics that led him into addiction remain. The best way that I have to describe him is that he is a dry drunk. He chooses to tell the truth when it suits his purposes. He manipulates to get what he wants, and he is focused on himself.
And now he is alone because I left him the last of May. I hoped and prayed for a good outcome. I compromised almost all of my hopes and dreams to make it work with him. I began to settle for less and less. And I became more and more unhappy. I do believe that if he had really worked a recovery that we could have made our relationship work. But.....my strong recovery was not enough. We BOTH needed to do it. I'm sure that I stepped over the line at times trying to push him to work his program. No matter how badly I wanted him to do it in order for our relationship to survive I was unable to make it happen. Recovery is something a person has to chose and want for himself. He went to meetings and worked with a sponsor for about 18 months. And then it all dwindled away. Meetings were boring, AA/NA was a cult, "I don't have the urge to use anymore", "I don't need them to stay sober". He needed someone to help him learn to live sober though and the only person that he chose to listen to was himself....not a very good teacher.
So I guess what I am saying is that I do believe that it can work but only if BOTH people work a strong recovery. And the catch is, you both have to do it because it is what you want individually. And you have to stay out of each other's program. There are a lot of variables to it all and it really does take a lot of work. I can't even begin to count the hours that I have spent working with a sponsor, reading, going to meetings, etc. I'm glad for every minute of it though - and I needed it.
Each person has to decide what is best for them. There was nothing that was going to talk me out of trying....by the time I realized what I was into it was just too late. I didn't have the strength to set the boundaries that I needed to set and keep them. But...with the help of recovery I was able to grow and get stronger. I so wish that I had not put myself what I went through but I also understand how it happens.
No matter what you decide we will be here for you. Keep posting. I know it sounds discouraging but I think everyone is just trying to be realistic and share their own experiences. Life with an addict/recovery addict is tough and it is probably harder than anyone realizes it's going to be. I know that was the case for me.
Gentle hugs.
Trudging that road.
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Seattle Wa
Posts: 6,840
It is a Family Disease
Lol I needed my brain washed by the time I made it to recovery.
I have a few comments after reading your post. 1st I want to say Contempt prior to investigation. That is what I think when I hear people say that AA, NA, or Al-anon isn't for me. Unless you have gone to at least 6 or so meetings how do you truly know?
You saying you don't believe in God and this is the reason for not going, well how is that any different than your boyfriend not doing anything for his recovery. You don't seem to want to do anything to get help for your self?
I don't mean to be harsh or unfeeling, I know how much pain you are in and I truly am sorry for that, but I have to speak the truth and not sugar coat it.
Anyone that has to monitor another's actions like checking his miles on his car needs help in not becoming lost in the addicts addiction.
Many times in families the non-addict needs just as much help if not more than the addict!!
I know women that go to Al-anon that are agnostics, and have very high profile jobs like judges, and that does not stop them. It is a family disease and everyone in the family needs help, or it won't work.
You can lead by example, if he sees you going for help that may encourage him to do the same.
There are no simple answers sorry, but at least you have found SR that can be your 1st step in reaching out for help.
I have a few comments after reading your post. 1st I want to say Contempt prior to investigation. That is what I think when I hear people say that AA, NA, or Al-anon isn't for me. Unless you have gone to at least 6 or so meetings how do you truly know?
You saying you don't believe in God and this is the reason for not going, well how is that any different than your boyfriend not doing anything for his recovery. You don't seem to want to do anything to get help for your self?
I don't mean to be harsh or unfeeling, I know how much pain you are in and I truly am sorry for that, but I have to speak the truth and not sugar coat it.
Anyone that has to monitor another's actions like checking his miles on his car needs help in not becoming lost in the addicts addiction.
Many times in families the non-addict needs just as much help if not more than the addict!!
I know women that go to Al-anon that are agnostics, and have very high profile jobs like judges, and that does not stop them. It is a family disease and everyone in the family needs help, or it won't work.
You can lead by example, if he sees you going for help that may encourage him to do the same.
There are no simple answers sorry, but at least you have found SR that can be your 1st step in reaching out for help.
Last edited by newby1961; 07-09-2011 at 10:19 AM. Reason: spelling what else lol
Member
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Alabama
Posts: 7
I really can't offer advice, but if you need someone to talk to, send me a private message.
They have online Al-Anon/Nar-Anon meetings. Due to my work schedule and a few other factors (no Nar-Anon in my area, my abusive ex goes to the only AA in my area, we have no vehicle at the moment), I am going this route before trying F2F meetings. I don't think it's a cult, and no one will out you for going there. You would be surprised how many professional people are in recovery for something. Anyway, online meetings would be more "anonymous" for you. And your HP is what you want it to be; you don't have to believe in a specific God or anything. There are also 12-step programs for atheists/agnostics.
They have online Al-Anon/Nar-Anon meetings. Due to my work schedule and a few other factors (no Nar-Anon in my area, my abusive ex goes to the only AA in my area, we have no vehicle at the moment), I am going this route before trying F2F meetings. I don't think it's a cult, and no one will out you for going there. You would be surprised how many professional people are in recovery for something. Anyway, online meetings would be more "anonymous" for you. And your HP is what you want it to be; you don't have to believe in a specific God or anything. There are also 12-step programs for atheists/agnostics.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 77
A secular recovery organization might be a better fit for you. Here is a link to the SMART Recovery online support meeting for family and friends: Family & Friends - An Alternative to Al-Anon and Intervention
I don't participate in the SMART Recovery online group--I like being here at SoberRecovery--but I am reading a SMART Recovery book about addiction and I listen to their podcasts.
You might also look at the LifeRing and SOS websites: http://lifering.org/ and drug - alcohol - addiction - SOS-Save Our Selves - Non 12 Step
I don't participate in the SMART Recovery online group--I like being here at SoberRecovery--but I am reading a SMART Recovery book about addiction and I listen to their podcasts.
You might also look at the LifeRing and SOS websites: http://lifering.org/ and drug - alcohol - addiction - SOS-Save Our Selves - Non 12 Step
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: New England
Posts: 7
Good-ish day today... saw him for a little while before I went to work this morning... we talked for about a half an hour. He has an intake tomorrow for an intensive out-patient rehab (inpatient won't take him until he is off the methodone whereas this program will help him get off that and support him while he does that), and he can stay at his job. A lot of doctors counseled us to go with out-patient because it forces them to deal with the real world and the temptations but there is still the support. Any one have any thoughts?
I ate three meals today for the first time in a week... incidentally, it coincided with his first week sober... sadly he still feels sick... Now I just need to work on the sleeping...
Pretty good conversation today... We are not making any long term plans at the moment... it looks like I will be moving alone, but a long-term goal (Christmas maybe) is for him to join me... I still am confused and hurting, but feel more hopeful today... I told him we will need to talk more and that there are things I still want and need to know (or should I avoid probing for specifics???)... I told him he is going to be at trust ground zero for a while. I told him we're going to take it slow and not make any hasty decisions... I told him not to stay with me out of guilt... I told him that I love him... (a mistake???)
I love him. I accept that this is a disease... I accept that our chances of success are minimal (well, I am trying to accept that fact) (I am yet to read a single encouraging story on here)... Let the chips fall where they may... I'll probably be back on here in six months sobbing my eyes out because it didn't work out...
I am going to try to find a group after I move... there is only one group in my area and it meets on Wednesday nights and I work late on Wednesdays and cannot attend (not an excuse, but legit). Maybe in a new place I won't be so fearful about being judged. Maybe I will seek counseling once I am out there (I just tried here, and with my insurance ending and the time it takes to get in I'll get one session in before i move).
My parents are still being difficult... but I cannot tell them... they are extremely judgmental people and IF IF IF IF IF this were to work out... they would never see beyond this time. My mom is like that and so that is a risk I am not willing to take.
Might see him tomorrow before his intake... he might start with the program as early as Tuesday... It's 4 hours a night, 5 nights a week... weekends off... optional extra sessions with individual counselors...
Am I wrong to be hopeful? I may wake up angry again tomorrow... I am still all mixed up... :o/ :o) :o( :o?
kmangel: How did today turn out?????
I ate three meals today for the first time in a week... incidentally, it coincided with his first week sober... sadly he still feels sick... Now I just need to work on the sleeping...
Pretty good conversation today... We are not making any long term plans at the moment... it looks like I will be moving alone, but a long-term goal (Christmas maybe) is for him to join me... I still am confused and hurting, but feel more hopeful today... I told him we will need to talk more and that there are things I still want and need to know (or should I avoid probing for specifics???)... I told him he is going to be at trust ground zero for a while. I told him we're going to take it slow and not make any hasty decisions... I told him not to stay with me out of guilt... I told him that I love him... (a mistake???)
I love him. I accept that this is a disease... I accept that our chances of success are minimal (well, I am trying to accept that fact) (I am yet to read a single encouraging story on here)... Let the chips fall where they may... I'll probably be back on here in six months sobbing my eyes out because it didn't work out...
I am going to try to find a group after I move... there is only one group in my area and it meets on Wednesday nights and I work late on Wednesdays and cannot attend (not an excuse, but legit). Maybe in a new place I won't be so fearful about being judged. Maybe I will seek counseling once I am out there (I just tried here, and with my insurance ending and the time it takes to get in I'll get one session in before i move).
My parents are still being difficult... but I cannot tell them... they are extremely judgmental people and IF IF IF IF IF this were to work out... they would never see beyond this time. My mom is like that and so that is a risk I am not willing to take.
Might see him tomorrow before his intake... he might start with the program as early as Tuesday... It's 4 hours a night, 5 nights a week... weekends off... optional extra sessions with individual counselors...
Am I wrong to be hopeful? I may wake up angry again tomorrow... I am still all mixed up... :o/ :o) :o( :o?
kmangel: How did today turn out?????
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
Sounds like a good plan, I am relieved that you are going forward with your new job and the move. I really think that it will help you to sort through everything. And, going to meetings are really a bonus.
I wouldn't probe too much into his issues, let him share what he feels comfortable telling you. Nothing will be gained by trying to extract promises out of him, addicts are unable to keep promises, it is part of the disease.
No, you are not wrong to be hopeful, try not to project into the future and take each day as it comes.
If you feel the need to post again, we are here for you.
I wouldn't probe too much into his issues, let him share what he feels comfortable telling you. Nothing will be gained by trying to extract promises out of him, addicts are unable to keep promises, it is part of the disease.
No, you are not wrong to be hopeful, try not to project into the future and take each day as it comes.
If you feel the need to post again, we are here for you.
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