sistertrouble

So, if a RA sets up a boundary and says that "I don't want to interact with you or your family ever again" and the RA is your family member that you see IN PUBLIC all the time....

Do I ignore the fact that she is sitting in a chair at the pool 3 feet from me? Do I say hello and then walk on by?

I know this probably comes across as a dumb, first timer question. It may even come across as snide. I am NOT trying to be either of those things. Really. I have my boundaries and am working through this and will be working on myself in the many days/weeks/months/years to come.

I have done lots of reading on this board and am trying desperately to educate myself. My first Al-Anon meeting will be next week. I just feel like there are 'rules' on how I am supposed to interact/react or not interact/not react and I don't know what they are!

Seren

I imagine it would be hard if you share the same public spaces. But, as counterintuitive as it seems, perhaps it would be best to treat her as if she is someone you don't know?

How would you interact (or not) if you were 3 feet away from a stranger? This does seem like a silly question, but perhaps something to think about when deciding what to do......

Hugs, HG

sistertrouble

I was leaning the way of treating her as a stranger as well. Just didn't know if I was losing it.

My problem is that I tend to speak to everyone around me-- and at our pool I know everyone. So, I guess it will be a casual 'hello'... and then move on.

I feel like I am in quicksand these days.

Thanks.

sistertrouble

Just one more thing (for now, anyway).

What do I say to my children (6 and 7 yrs old) when their aunt acts like they don't exist? Found out today she wouldn't speak to my girls when they were at the pool w/ the sitter. They are quite confused.

fedup3

Boy, they do love DRAMA! It's hard to explain to a child that a grown up is acting more childish than they are. Take deep breaths and put your thoughts on you and your family.

LexieCat

How about smiling and nodding? This is an non-hostile acknowledgement of her existence, without "interacting". It also minimizes the likelihood (STRONG likelihood) that one of these days she will accuse you of ignoring her.

kittykitty

I would definitely try to explain something to your kids, hopefully someone will give you some ideas. We can process how the A is acting, but young kids can take that stuff pretty badly, especially from a family member. Maybe someone here or in alanon can suggest something. Being mean to the kids, that's just not cool. Sounds like your RA is working one hell of a program!

Cyranoak

Tell your kids the truth. They may not understand it, but over time they will.

gowest

This is just my opinion.

It is "their" boundary not yours. They cannot control you. They cannot set your boundaries.

I would do what I felt was necessary for me to feel good about myself. This is "my" boundary.

So if I were you, I would say hello and then move on.
For me, it would not feel comfortable to blatantly ignore a family member or really anybody that I know in a rude way. I've done it and I always feel "yucky" afterwards. This is just me.

I don't have to engage in any major way, just rudimentary politeness. I would not expect a response as they have clearly stated their boundary.

I agree with cryanoak that I would tell the kids the truth and explain that they should do what they feel comfortable doing.

Sorry these kinds of things suck.

Cyranoak

...but she is the boss of her. Let her be how she wants to be. You be how you want to be while respecting, as much as possible, her wishes.

If she doesn't like how you do that, tough for her.

Take what you want and leave the rest.

Cyranoak