First Nar-Anon Meeting
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First Nar-Anon Meeting
Hello everyone,
My husband and I went to our first Nar-Anon meeting last night. We are thankful to have this meeting in our area and plan to stick with it awhile before coming to any conclusions. There is also a Celebrate Recovery group that meets on Fridays. We plan to attend this one as well and hopefully between the two, gain encouragement and support.
I want to be honest and say that I am struggling with some of the ideas and "slogans" that come out of Nar-Anon. Not that I disagree with them so much but it sometimes feels as if people are parroting them without really thinking about the weight of what they are saying. Or worse, using them as an excuse to grow numb or lazy in their own life and recoveries. Perhaps it is just my current perspective.... and time will bring clarity.
Some of these sayings have to do with how 'love cannot cure an addict' and how 'there is nothing we as parents can say or do to help our addicts'. And how 'there is no point in telling them what is right or wrong and/or how to live their life'. I agree with these to a point, without a doubt. But (for me) the truth is, while love may not cure, it is so much MORE important to remember that I MUST keep loving her in whatever way my HP directs, whether 'results' come or not. In fact it is not even my duty to be watching for results, only remaining obedient to my HP. This takes commitment on our parts. Untiring, faithful, commitment - foremost to our HP, then to ourselves, then to our addicts.
Also, while there may be no point in telling them how to live or what is right, is it so misguided to act as a light and a voice of reason in their life, when the opportunity arises? I don't think so. Just because they do not accept it in that moment, does not cancel out my responsibility to share goodness and truth, in love. Not to mention, who knows in what dark and lonely moment our words may revisit them, and bring a ray of comfort and hope?
Also, part of me struggles with "I am powerless" because, according to my HP, "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." Depending upon which of these lines of thought we subscribe to, I think it can make a huge difference in how we view and live our lives. I just think it CAN be dangerous for a person to fall into this 'I am powerless' trip. Indeed we are, on our own, but if we truly are surrendered and joined to our HP, who is to say what He may choose to accomplish through us!
Where my AD is concerned, I feel the need to detach... yet stay close enough to see miracles happen. Even little ones. Some of which might be worked out not only IN me, but through me.
Thanks for letting me share. I welcome your thoughts.
Hope
My husband and I went to our first Nar-Anon meeting last night. We are thankful to have this meeting in our area and plan to stick with it awhile before coming to any conclusions. There is also a Celebrate Recovery group that meets on Fridays. We plan to attend this one as well and hopefully between the two, gain encouragement and support.
I want to be honest and say that I am struggling with some of the ideas and "slogans" that come out of Nar-Anon. Not that I disagree with them so much but it sometimes feels as if people are parroting them without really thinking about the weight of what they are saying. Or worse, using them as an excuse to grow numb or lazy in their own life and recoveries. Perhaps it is just my current perspective.... and time will bring clarity.
Some of these sayings have to do with how 'love cannot cure an addict' and how 'there is nothing we as parents can say or do to help our addicts'. And how 'there is no point in telling them what is right or wrong and/or how to live their life'. I agree with these to a point, without a doubt. But (for me) the truth is, while love may not cure, it is so much MORE important to remember that I MUST keep loving her in whatever way my HP directs, whether 'results' come or not. In fact it is not even my duty to be watching for results, only remaining obedient to my HP. This takes commitment on our parts. Untiring, faithful, commitment - foremost to our HP, then to ourselves, then to our addicts.
Also, while there may be no point in telling them how to live or what is right, is it so misguided to act as a light and a voice of reason in their life, when the opportunity arises? I don't think so. Just because they do not accept it in that moment, does not cancel out my responsibility to share goodness and truth, in love. Not to mention, who knows in what dark and lonely moment our words may revisit them, and bring a ray of comfort and hope?
Also, part of me struggles with "I am powerless" because, according to my HP, "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." Depending upon which of these lines of thought we subscribe to, I think it can make a huge difference in how we view and live our lives. I just think it CAN be dangerous for a person to fall into this 'I am powerless' trip. Indeed we are, on our own, but if we truly are surrendered and joined to our HP, who is to say what He may choose to accomplish through us!
Where my AD is concerned, I feel the need to detach... yet stay close enough to see miracles happen. Even little ones. Some of which might be worked out not only IN me, but through me.
Thanks for letting me share. I welcome your thoughts.
Hope
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Also, while there may be no point in telling them how to live or what is right, is it so misguided to act as a light and a voice of reason in their life, when the opportunity arises?
Also, part of me struggles with "I am powerless" because, according to my HP, "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me."
I am powerless over others because I am not God.
Christ strengthens me, but he's still not gonna give me power over others.
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 128
You wrote,
Also, while there may be no point in telling them how to live or what is right, is it so misguided to act as a light and a voice of reason in their life, when the opportunity arises? I don't think so. Just because they do not accept it in that moment, does not cancel out my responsibility to share goodness and truth, in love.
There is a difference between sharing wisdom, values, opinions, etc. and telling someone what she should do. The problem comes when there is an expectation that the other person should do as we say.
You also wrote,
Also, part of me struggles with "I am powerless" because, according to my HP, "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." Depending upon which of these lines of thought we subscribe to, I think it can make a huge difference in how we view and live our lives. I just think it CAN be dangerous for a person to fall into this 'I am powerless' trip. Indeed we are, on our own, but if we truly are surrendered and joined to our HP, who is to say what He may choose to accomplish through us!
I, too, believe I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. But that does not mean my HP imparts some sort of super powers to me that allow me to control the thinking of my addict son. To me, believing that I can do all things through Christ means that I can handle my life regardless of the fact that my son is an addict. I can find happiness. I can be a good mother to my other children. I can remain productive and purposeful. It does not mean I can fix my son. That is for God to do. My son must subscribe to the same belief system in that HE can do all things through Christ who strengthens HIM. My son's burden is addiction. His HP will help him with that. My burden is my son. My HP will help me with him.
I do understand what you mean about people maybe using some of the concepts to just throw their hands up and say oh well, not my problem. But that's an error in the interpretation of the concepts. Nar Anon or Al Anon or Families Anonymous or CR are groups that help loved ones learn about themselves and their role in the family disease of addiction/alcoholism.
It's wonderful that you went to your first meeting. As you continue to go to meetings many things will become clearer. Your questions are appropriate and I'm glad you shared your thoughts! Keep coming back. :-)
Also, while there may be no point in telling them how to live or what is right, is it so misguided to act as a light and a voice of reason in their life, when the opportunity arises? I don't think so. Just because they do not accept it in that moment, does not cancel out my responsibility to share goodness and truth, in love.
There is a difference between sharing wisdom, values, opinions, etc. and telling someone what she should do. The problem comes when there is an expectation that the other person should do as we say.
You also wrote,
Also, part of me struggles with "I am powerless" because, according to my HP, "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." Depending upon which of these lines of thought we subscribe to, I think it can make a huge difference in how we view and live our lives. I just think it CAN be dangerous for a person to fall into this 'I am powerless' trip. Indeed we are, on our own, but if we truly are surrendered and joined to our HP, who is to say what He may choose to accomplish through us!
I, too, believe I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. But that does not mean my HP imparts some sort of super powers to me that allow me to control the thinking of my addict son. To me, believing that I can do all things through Christ means that I can handle my life regardless of the fact that my son is an addict. I can find happiness. I can be a good mother to my other children. I can remain productive and purposeful. It does not mean I can fix my son. That is for God to do. My son must subscribe to the same belief system in that HE can do all things through Christ who strengthens HIM. My son's burden is addiction. His HP will help him with that. My burden is my son. My HP will help me with him.
I do understand what you mean about people maybe using some of the concepts to just throw their hands up and say oh well, not my problem. But that's an error in the interpretation of the concepts. Nar Anon or Al Anon or Families Anonymous or CR are groups that help loved ones learn about themselves and their role in the family disease of addiction/alcoholism.
It's wonderful that you went to your first meeting. As you continue to go to meetings many things will become clearer. Your questions are appropriate and I'm glad you shared your thoughts! Keep coming back. :-)
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I wonder if I'm on the same page regarding the definition of power. Of course I cannot bring about change within a person, just like I cannot look at a rose bush and tell it to grow, and it will. That is their work, and their HP's. But - when we say to our daughter "If there are any more instances of drug use in this home, you WILL have to leave" isn't that exercising power/authority?
I am not talking about power to change someone's thinking or forcing them to do what *I* think should be done, but about becoming a vessel in which God's power can work in and through me, not only to better myself, but to be a positive influence in my daughter's life. Someone who provides healthy soil, and water, to that rosebush. A mincing of words perhaps....
Thanks for the responses!
I am not talking about power to change someone's thinking or forcing them to do what *I* think should be done, but about becoming a vessel in which God's power can work in and through me, not only to better myself, but to be a positive influence in my daughter's life. Someone who provides healthy soil, and water, to that rosebush. A mincing of words perhaps....
Thanks for the responses!
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Originally Posted by Hope44 
But - when we say to our daughter "If there are any more instances of drug use in this home, you WILL have to leave" isn't that exercising power/authority?
The words "I am powerless" are part of a complete sentence. Using the words themselves without a qualifier is taking them out of context.
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Chino, I get that. The full context is that we are powerless over the addict. Yes, I am powerless to change her inside - her heart, her thinking, her choices, her will - but I am not powerless in as far as affecting her life course. Kicking her out of the house forced her to deal with a new set of challenges, hopefully ones that will eventually lead to her freedom from drugs.
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Well, there you go! "Hopefully" means being powerless over the outcome.
I learned to be very careful about my motives. Every time I gave my daughter the boot, I fully realized her bottom could be death. Bad drugs, bad drug deal, prostitution, etc. I never kicked her out to help her reach her bottom, though, as my therapist pointed out, some people are only able to do what needs to be done with that as motivation.
I kicked her out because I couldn't allow her to treat us and our home the way she did. It was self protection. I also kicked her out because I was enabling her addiction by letting her stay, and contributing to her self destruction.
I learned to be very careful about my motives. Every time I gave my daughter the boot, I fully realized her bottom could be death. Bad drugs, bad drug deal, prostitution, etc. I never kicked her out to help her reach her bottom, though, as my therapist pointed out, some people are only able to do what needs to be done with that as motivation.
I kicked her out because I couldn't allow her to treat us and our home the way she did. It was self protection. I also kicked her out because I was enabling her addiction by letting her stay, and contributing to her self destruction.
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We had our daughter leave for the same reasons you did yours. At some point we began to feel like our giving her a roof and a bed and food were, not causing, but making it easier for her to obtain drugs, and continue her downward spiral. I could not live with myself, feeling like I had a part in this.
Also, it's been said (and I have heard countless testimonies) that when you live with crazy you become crazy. Didn't want that to happen. Didn't want to see an otherwise safe and peaceful home turn to utter chaos. Like you said - it was about protection and preservation. And I realized too much time and thought and effort were being spent trying help our daughter when in fact there was a husband, marriage, and two sons to look after as well. AND... myself.
"Hopefully" to me means God is in control. His love is such that He wants the very best for us. His wisdom is such that He knows what is best for us. And His power is such that He can make it happen.
Also, it's been said (and I have heard countless testimonies) that when you live with crazy you become crazy. Didn't want that to happen. Didn't want to see an otherwise safe and peaceful home turn to utter chaos. Like you said - it was about protection and preservation. And I realized too much time and thought and effort were being spent trying help our daughter when in fact there was a husband, marriage, and two sons to look after as well. AND... myself.
"Hopefully" to me means God is in control. His love is such that He wants the very best for us. His wisdom is such that He knows what is best for us. And His power is such that He can make it happen.
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Originally Posted by Hope44
I wonder if I'm on the same page regarding the definition of power. Of course I cannot bring about change within a person, just like I cannot look at a rose bush and tell it to grow, and it will. That is their work, and their HP's. But - when we say to our daughter "If there are any more instances of drug use in this home, you WILL have to leave" isn't that exercising power/authority?
Setting a boundary is simply stating what we will and will not put up with, and what the consequences are if the boundary is crossed.
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