FreeDance

Hi all --

I was here and doing well just a couple of months ago. Had a stressful experience traveling and indulged in two glasses of wine; gave in to a little more and a little more; now it's my same pattern. I'm not getting wasted every night or missing work or anything like that, but it's hard to calm down without it, I think.

Tonight the issue is something I didn't mention when I was here before. My daughter -- a beautiful young woman of 24 -- has had her life destroyed by heroin addiction for at least six years, perhaps more. I go to Nar-Anon meetings almost every week (which is where I finally decided to seek support for my alcohol abuse), so I'm working on the "co-dependency" issues.

Yet -- mothers will understand this -- it's nearly impossible to make your brain overcome your heart and your every instinct when it comes to your children, and she is my one and only. A stressful life/death hope/no-hope or even low risk/high risk situation with her seems to correlate with me feeling I need alcohol to calm me down enough to get to bed, no matter which way her battles end up.

I know... I need to work on me. How is it I can drink nothing sometimes, one or two glasses other times, and then other times feel a need for more??

I just know when I don't drink at ALL, I don't have to worry about these ups and downs... I lose the use of my drug to calm me, or do whatever it is I get from it, but I also get to "lose" the downsides -- the unpredictability, the hangovers, my husband's concern and apparent anger...

I confess I'm drinking as I write this, but I've avoided this board for many weeks now so there must be a reason I wanted to come here tonight...

I feel responsible for my daughter's addiction, and underlying mental illnesses (they're biological in my family)... It all hurts so badly, and what does drinking do to "help?" Moment by moment, it seems like it's calming me... but the guilt sets in.

So I don't know why I came back to post, except to seek help...? And I think I need to post on the boards for family of addicts, too....

Sorry... Thanks for indulging me...

(And for anyone who thinks two glasses of wine, one time, won't set the wheels spinning again? Think again. This slope is slippery indeed.)

Zencat

I used to think alcohol helped me cope too. Then the problems created by drinking negated every bit of progress I thought alcohol was helping me make. Until I was overwhelmed with nothing but alcohol related problems

Its good that your looking to sober up, being here at SR can help with that.

Dee74

I was reminded this last week how strong the pull still can be of wanting not to feel the way I was feeling.

But I know it's a lie turning to drugs or booze...- it's not a solution - it's an absence of a solution...it's the equivalent of spinning our wheels...

Facing whatever our pain is, is hard...but I think staying sober gives us the chance to get through it...and to come out the other side

I think staying sober also allows us to be there fully for those who need us.

For what it's worth FD...my family history is riddled with alcoholism too - but I've never blamed anyone since I've gotten into recovery, because I know this is one malady we can do everything about

Prayers for you both

D

BackToSquareOne

That's the grand delusion with alcohol, it does provide that warm glow and brief period of calmness. The problem is that it quickly wears off and your nervous system gets thrown into a state of hypervigilance, as Zencat said above it will quickly negate the good effects you thought you were getting. In my mind it's like trying to put out a fire by throwing gasoline on it.