Isola

I made a few mistakes a couple of years back, and I have tried my hardest to move on and avoid the people and places connected to it. I don't want to upset them anymore than I have, and I regret it so much that it is too hard for be to be around them.

But, even now I sometimes see them, or hear that they are talking about me and what happened to people who know me today. So there is every chance my new life and new friends will be messed up because of a mistake I made years ago.

I know some people will think I deserve it, but i regret it and have tried hard to change. Why should I always suffer for it

It's made me so anxious, unworthy, unlovable and just generally rubbish about myself. All I want to go crazy - drink and whatever else and forget it all. Forget it, or try to show myself that I haven't actually changed at all, and deserve everything I get.

Zencat

Sometimes I have to completely tune out people. I let them have their say, believe what they will and go on my way. I can forgive them for being the way they are even if they are hurtful to me. I can also forgive myself from past mistakes.

Drinking would put all this that I do to remain guilt free, sane and peaceful.

Keep working through your troubles. Release those that would do harm to you from your mind. Remain sober and find new ways of dealing with the problems you face. You can do this.

DoubtfulDebs

i know nothing about you so i might be so far off the mark it's making my reply irrelevant.... but what came to mind reading this is, are they scapegoating you?

ie making your actions (long ago from what you said) the cause for their current problems/whatever, just because you were an easy target because of your former addiction?

and/or are they using you as a kind of shorthand for 'bad person it's safe to feel superior to' which is something i think we're all capable of doing, way out of proportion to the actual actions of that person?

either way it seems to me like they are the ones with the problem, trying to damage your new life and new friendships, but yet again i want to say that's just going by what you posted and i obviously don't know the situation very well.

Boleo

Even if you don't like 12 step recovery, it would behoove you to try some self-appraisal, confession and make some amends. It's not just about abstinence. Recovery involves liberation from our past emotions.

recycle

I struggle with the difference between blame and responsibility a lot. It is like I am hard wired to pin blame somewhere, and I am finding it is a pointless activity. So what is the difference between blame and responsibility? Not much really, blame is just feeling bad about something you are responsible for. That feeling keeps me rooted in the past, and makes it difficult to make amends for what I am responsible for. My first step in moving from blame to responsibility is to stop seeing these events as problems. All problems are really opportunities. Reminding myself of that helps me dissipate the bad feeling and apply my resources more effectively.